32

This past Friday was my 32nd birthday. Ever since my 29th birthday I've spent the week before my big day thinking of all the things I haven't accomplished that I thought I would have by this age. It's a new form of torture I've discovered. Unfortunately the list seems to grow longer each year. Here's what I have so far: Get married, buy a house, go to Hawaii, move to another city, learn how to change a tire, increase my annual salary by 35%, run a marathon (or maybe just a 5K I mean let's get real), go to Paris, have a baby, get a new job, buy my 1st (and likely only) Louis Vuitton handbag, be comfortable in my own skin, buy a brand new car, own an iPad, have a rough draft of my 1st book, learn how to drive a stick shift, go to a Coldplay concert, overcome my fear of public speaking, & grow my hair out long enough to put it up in a sock bun. This last one makes me the saddest of all because every girl at the very least should have the option of putting her hair up in a sock bun. The interesting thing is I'm not necessarily sure that I want all of these things anymore but the fact that I haven't done them makes me kinda sad.

Regardless a birthday is the only day a year when you get to shamelessly celebrate yourself so I always make sure to do just that. I took 2 days off from work which quite honestly was gift enough but I spent Thursday at my favorite spot the spa at the Four Seasons. I went early enough so I could soak in both the whirlpool and the indoor heated pool by myself without fear of total strangers seeing me in my swimsuit. It's only April and I can't take that kind of pressure until June at the earliest. I had a wonderful massage by a woman named Nancy who was quite concerned about the amount of tension I had in my shoulders. I'm glad that someone cares about all the horrible side effects my job is causing me. I then ended my spa experience by having my lip and chin waxed. It is uncomfortable but necessary and I love any excuse to get and see Emily my favorite esthetician. She used to work for Chanel beauty so she knows all the best products to use including a $110 face moisturizer she suggested I use whenever I'm out in the sun. I would have purchased it had I not already planned on doing a little retail therapy after leaving the hotel.

After my spa services, I went upstairs to Cielo the hotel restaurant to have lunch which is always a special treat because they have the most attentive staff and delicious a la carte menu with all fresh ingredients. I enjoyed a tomato and white bean soup with pesto, a turkey sandwich with cranberry compote, bacon, and baby spinach on a ciabatta bun, truffle parmesan chips served warm, and a specialty cocktail from the bar called Lover's Potion which had red velvet vodka as one of the ingredients. I really feel like I should eat like that everyday now. To top of a wonderful lunch the general manager came to my table to wish me a happy birthday, the bar manager (a hottie named Ryan who was dressed perfectly for a casual lunch in the city on a Thursday afternoon) did the same, and their pastry team brought out a cupcake and chocolate mousse-filled waffle cone that you see pictured above. I scarfed down the entire thing in 5 minutes and let me tell you it wasn't pretty but it tasted amazing. The most entertaining part of the meal was eavesdropping on the two 60 something women at the table next to me who were also there enjoying a spa day together. They ordered a bottle of Merlot and proceeded to giggle throughout the rest of the meal enjoying each other's company. There's something so special about friendship between women and I am making it a point this year to nurture the few but meaningful friendships in my life.

After my spa day I headed over to Kate Spade where I had only intended to buy an iPhone case for my new phone but they were having their Friends & Family sale so I picked up 2 iPhone cases and an ice cream cone clutch that originally retailed for $328 but I snagged it at 60% off. I ventured down to White House Black Market looking for an adorable bow belt that had sold out online and they had one left on the mannequin in my size so I snatched that up before anyone else realized how cute it was. Finally I headed over to J.Crew to see Liz my favorite personal shopper who is now the store manager. She had waited for 3 years for that job to open up and it finally did. They were taking an additional 40% off sale items so I found a shirt with a small bedazzled bow on the neckline to buy because why not? I forgot to mention that it was raining cats and dogs the entire day but it didn't even bother me because I was in the city and I was enjoying myself.

My actual birthday was the next day and it was much less glamorous. It was 30 degrees outside and I actually saw snow flurries. Ridiculous. My mother took me out to breakfast and then I went back home to watch some TV and take a nap which was peaceful and I was grateful for the time to relax. I was at my parents' house and saw my father that day but he didn't wish me a happy birthday nor did he attempt to celebrate with us but it's been that way for the past 5 years so at least he's consistent. We then drove an hour out of town to have dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant only to find that it had closed a month ago due to a failed health inspection. I was disappointed because I had my heart set on going there for the past 3 weeks and it was also quite unsettling to know the reason why it wasn't open. I drove an hour back home starving and had fast food for my birthday dinner. It was quite depressing so I have chosen to remember the day before my birthday as my actual 32nd birthday.

It should be noted that the one bright spot in my day outside of gratuitous Facebook greetings, was a special package I received from my dear friend Sarah and her 3 adorable little girls. They sent me several small gifts each with a card attached explaining its significance and I loved every single part of it. Giving a gift like that took thought and time and it is rare to have someone show kindness to me in such a way. I'm not sure what lies ahead of me this year but hopefully I will be able to check a few things of the list of things I didn't do when I was 31. I think I should start with being comfortable in my own skin. This might take awhile.

This week's obsession is this black and white contrast belt that I got from Black House White Market. Isn't it cute? I plan on pairing this with just about everything. It makes my waist look smaller and it adds a little chicness to the overall outfit. It retails at $48 so real people can afford it. Hurry and get one before they're gone!

I Quit

As I was leaving the office early on Friday to enjoy some much needed time off I was asked a very poignant question by one of my co-workers. "Why do you spend so much time working overtime and going above and beyond when it will get you nowhere here?" Although it was asked in a very disparaging way it was a fair question. It's true that for over a year now most every day I've been arriving at work an hour early, working through much of my lunch hour, and staying at least an hour after the end of the workday.  It didn't used to be this way. When I started working there nearly 3 years ago I worked 8:00-4:30pm and seemed to get everything done that I truly needed to within that time frame. I would only occasionally work overtime which is to be expected of an exempt position. Then a year into my position, my co-worked decided to have lap band surgery which meant she would be out for 10 weeks. (You may remember her from some of my previous posts where I refer to her as lap band so for the sake of consistency I will continue to do so here.)

Initially it was quite overwhelming because she had attempted to train me for this very scenario but I never expected that she would actually take this much time off. After a few weeks playing the role of 2 employees I got used to putting in the extra hours but more importantly I became very good at my job. They even gave me a little extra money because I was taking on so much work for an extended period of time. I learned so many things that I would not have otherwise had I not been thrown into the deep end like I was. The problem was, when lap band returned from her medical leave, she never took back the duties that were meant to be handed over to me temporarily nor did I continue to receive extra pay for doing them. At first they wanted to ease her back into the daily grind so they asked me to continue to help her out while she got re-acclimated into the office. I'm not sure how long you should expect someone to do this but she most definitely did not do it within the week time frame that I expected. Over the 3 months that followed she went on 2 separate week long vacations, called in "sick" several times, and went on a series of dates thanks to her ambitious Match.com activities. This did result in her meeting the current "love of her life" who both resembles and has the social graces of Sasquatch.

Since she now had a boyfriend the quality of the little work she did began to slip. She was rarely prepared for meetings, she conveniently forgot to do half of the things assigned to her, and management could never find her in her office because she was usually down the hallway torturing a fellow co-worker with the details of her and Sasquatch's sexual escapades. In most cases you would assume that all this ridiculous behavior would result in discipline but you know what they say about those who assume. Instead of requiring more of her they just expected me to do everything she wasn't. This happened mainly because our boss has a soft spot for her thanks to the friendship they have outside the office but it also happened because I didn't object the way I should have. They began completely bypassing her to give me the most urgent assignments because they knew I would get it done and quickly at that. A part of me liked that because I began to get exposure to some of the top administrators in our organization and it gave me a chance to really shine but that hasn't amounted to anything besides the occasional "Thanks!".

I have no one but myself to blame for this. They have taken advantage of my talents and I let them but I have a habit of doing that in my personal life as well. My mom is the same way in her personal life so I learned by example, however, in her work life she took crap from no one so I got my strong work ethic from her as well just not the nerve to speak up for myself. I work at the same level as lap band but I haven't received a promotion to her title or salary. I was told that I would if they can find the budget for it. They haven't. In fact we had another employee resign months ago and they haven't refilled her position because they say they don't have the budget for it so now there are more of us on the team who are overworked and underpaid. Why do I continue to reward them with my amazing work ethic? Because I believe it's what I've been called to do at least for now. I prayed for years that God would give me the opportunity to work in this career field and after 7 years of prayer and working other jobs that I hated in hopes of getting my foot in the door somewhere, He finally gave me my chance. There's a reason I got this job and none of the others that I applied for at that time. When I accepted the job I don't think I could have fully understood all that I had signed up for but I guess the same could be said of marriage. From what my married friends tell me in marriage you come across things in the relationship that you never would imagine that you would be dealing with but you took a vow of for better or for worse so you try to work through it. That's what I've done in my current position but now I'm ready for a divorce.

I try my best to be a person of integrity so just because I work with people who are lazy doesn't mean that I have to be. I am friends with another co-worker who was put in the same situation but after seeing that she received nothing for her hard work she simply refused to do it. I don't blame her for that but I don't think it's fair that others have to suffer because of it. I have an obligation to serve the employees of our organization so while I'm here I will do that to the best of my ability. I refuse to conform to a life of complacency to prove a point. Call me divergent if you must. I don't plan to let this go on forever. As a matter of fact I had already started to plan my escape as a new year's resolution but I must admit it was mostly fantasy until now. After being asked this question staying indefinitely is no longer an option. We accept what we believe we deserve and I learned awhile ago that I deserve more than what I had been getting in love and the same is true for my career. I have a date in mind of when I plan to move out of state and plan to do so whether I have another job set up or not. This is quite scary but not nearly as frightening as staying would be. The only thing getting me through the day is knowing that I will relish in the looks on every one's faces when I tell them "I quit."

This week's obsession is a strapless bustier dress that comes to us courtesy of Alice & Olivia. It's pretty simple and very short but super cute and the leather trim adds a nice touch. I don't have the legs to pull this off nor the money as this retails at $396 but I guess it's nice knowing that this exists in all it's adorable glory.

Baby Invasion

This past week at work was the worst. We only have a staff of 20 people to meet the human resource needs of 1,500 employees and since our managers aren't aware that you can refuse someone's vacation request if other people have already requested the same days off, they allowed half of our staff to be out this week leaving us with quite the skeleton crew. Seeing as how my counterpart at work rarely does anything she's supposed to do, I am already accustomed to doing the work of 2 people so covering for another 5 felt just like any other day in our office. Things were so crazy I didn't even get to take a lunch break at all this week so my stress level was at an all time high. On Tuesday afternoon I went up to the reception area to mail out some letters and before I could make it across the room of my co-workers called out, "Stephanie come look at the baby!". I turned around and saw that they were all huddled around a woman that works across the hall and she was holding up a newborn just like Mufasa raised up baby Simba.

I was immediately annoyed because I was in the middle of working on 5 different things and I just wanted to go back to my office and scream but I put on a smile and went over there out of some unwritten obligation that is invisibly listed in every employee handbook across the country. When someone brings a baby into the office you must go and look at it. Unfortunately this unwritten rule does not specify how long one must stand there faking excitement and interest so I always awkwardly find a way to leave the situation about 2 minutes after I've arrived.

Don't get me wrong I don't feel this disdain for all babies just most. I make exceptions for the children of my close friends because I like them and don't feel like I should hold it against them that they have replaced a percentage of their love for me with the love of their child. Since I only consider about 5 people in this world close friends, my criteria for accepting other babies is quite strict. They have to be absurdly adorable, wearing designer layettes, smell like jasmine, or be the child of a celebrity. The problem I had with this particular infant was the fact that I didn't know her or her mother. I can usually feign interest in looking at the baby of someone I know but this baby was a complete random to me. To make matters worse, this child was the granddaughter of the woman from across the hall. Please note that I don't even know the woman's name. Our only interaction in the 3 years I've worked there happened a few weeks ago when she gave me a refund because the vending machine ate my dollar without giving me my fruit snacks. That is literally the extent of my relationship with her. This means that I was asked to stop what I was doing and admire a baby brought in by someone who doesn't even work here. I refuse to fawn over a child in the workplace if they aren't on an insurance plan paid for by our employer. This begs the question, why does society expect us to ooh and aah over the mere presence of a baby? If I don't know the child or didn't give birth to it why should I care otherwise?

The baby invasion didn't stop there. At church this morning our pastor brought his 17 day old grandson to the platform to show him off and to use him as an illustration for his sermon. He was trying to explain to the congregation that when we are born again as Christians we are essentially babies in our spiritual walk but we are meant to grow in our relationship with Christ just as babies grow. He made a very good point. He also stood there cradling his grandson for 20 minutes while I was trying to record the sermon notes posted behind him on the screen and all the baby lovers in the room cheered with each stretch of the baby's tiny arms. I couldn't handle it.

The worst thing someone can do is ask me if I'd like to hold a baby. First of all, I'm always surprised that any part of my demeanor makes them think that would be a good idea. I honestly equate seeing someone walking towards me holding a baby to seeing someone walk into the room with a bomb strapped to their chest. My anxiety level is exactly the same in both situations. Am I the only one? Babies wiggle around so much I could very easily drop it and what if I hurt it or worse what if it starts crying and won't stop? My ears can't handle that. What if I don't thoroughly sanitize my hands and I give it the sniffles? Babies are everywhere. In the booth next to me at Red Lobster. At the end of the aisle in Target. Hiding under the manicurist table at the spa. Sitting in a car seat on the floor at a midnight showing of Divergent. Nowhere is safe and there is nowhere to hide. How does one survive in the land of babes without the appropriate instructions and a guide?

The funny thing is if I see a puppy I squeal with delight and if that puppy is wearing an article of clothing and being tugged by a Burberry leash, I generally pass out with joy. What does that say about me? Actually don't answer that. In an effort to show that I'm not completely opposed to the existence of children, this week's obsessions are a few Easter outfits for kids compliments of Saks Fifth Avenue. These children are so perfectly polished and adorable there's no possible way that they are real. The boy is sporting Ralph Lauren from head to toe including an Oxford blazer, Oxford button up, seersucker shorts, and telly leather loafers. The entire outfit will set you back $290. As for the little girl, she is modeling a color block dress from Armani's kids collection made of beautiful Italian fabric which retails at $310. What better reason to refinance your home than to use the money to dress your children in designer labels?

X-Birthday

I hit a big milestone last week in my journey to move past the breakup with my ex. This past Thursday was his birthday and I didn't contact him via phone or any other social media. I know that doesn't sound like much but it was a big step for me. Keep in mind that he dumped me 3 years ago and up to this point I still contacted him every year on his birthday because I thought it was a nice thing to do. Last year I even brought him a gift and had a friend of mine that still works with him hand deliver it impeccably gift wrapped to him. It was a lifestyle book written by a contributor to GQ magazine and it gave tips on how to be and dress like a gentleman in the modern world. He texted me a thank you (how chivalrous) and asked if it was a subtle dig. It was but I also felt it was an extension of my amazing fashion sense. I know I'm an idiot for doing that but don't worry I still loathe myself for it.

During the 2 years we were together he was the luckiest bastard alive when it came to receiving gifts. We had only been dating one month when we first celebrated his birthday so we went to dinner at Cheddar's and he paid. I did get him a card but didn't feel obligated to get him anything else. Looking back I wish I would have continued to feel that way cause it would have saved me a lot of money. When he came back to my place later that night we shared our first kiss so in hindsight that was actually the best gift of all. The next year I got him a brand new Coach wallet as if a man needs a designer piece of leather to keep his money safe and warm in his back pocket. We women of course need designer handbags because they are an extension of our outfits and always serve as a conversation starter if it's a stunner. Totally different. I believe I also got him some cologne because he is obsessed with smelling good so I always made sure to get him a new one on birthdays and holidays. He loves getting the newest scent from whatever major fashion house is releasing one at the time which was always surprising to me because he is the cheapest man I've ever met.

I always love to give the perfect gift so buying nice gifts wasn't just about him. I get such a strong sense satisfaction from seeing a loved one receive a gift from me and get excited just from seeing the packaging. When they open the gift and grin from ear to ear because I got something that shows how well I know them it's like my very existence is validated. The best of course is bringing an ostentatious baby gift to a shower and having everyone gasp when the mother-to-be opens it. I feel like saying "Your welcome" to everyone for creating such a special yet unnecessary moment at a party celebrating a fetus. I mean what infant really needs to wear Ralph Lauren? Mine of course but since my uterus is not familiar with pregnancy I gift the luxury to other mothers who are brave enough to give birth and take on the responsibility of raising a human.

I never had an actual boyfriend before my relationship with the ex so being able to get a gift for "my man" was very exciting to me. I would always hear about these surprise parties and special plans that my friends would make for the men in their lives and I would take copious mental notes already preparing myself for the day I would meet a great guy worthy of doing that for. I wanted to believe that I had met that guy so I went out of my way to plan little surprise birthday parties at work for him that included me driving an hour and a half just to get the best cookie cake in the area and having it decorated in the colors of his favorite sports team, taking him to the city and indulging him in a mini shopping spree at an upscale mall, paying for dinner at his favorite restaurants, unfortunately the list goes on and on and it makes me very sad. I imagine he probably did stay with me a few months longer than he had intended just to get some more nice things and to make things worse at the time I was ok with that because I thought it would lead to something more but I'm putting that in the past and now we are moving upward and onward or something like that. Today I was told by a 27 year old douche bag that at 31 years old I am already past my prime and as I get older I fear that the odds of me meeting a great guy worthy of all this work declines everyday as does the collagen in my face. Now that I think about it, I should just date myself because at least I know I will be well taken care of.

This week's obsession is this beautiful Cameron Dress in Stripe Silk Organza from where else but my beloved J. Crew. After searching high and low for the perfect dress to wear on Easter I decided on buying this dress to wear on Easter Sunday. It came in the mail last week and it is quite stunning in person. These days people dress pretty casually to church so I will likely stand out in this piece but I think it will be for all the right reasons. Now I am on the hunt for some cute heels to go with it which surprisingly has been harder than I thought. The stores haven't released their best sandals yet even though it's Spring Break season so hopefully they will be unveiling some new stuff in the next week or two. I normally go for a cute wedge because those allow for comfortable wear all day but this dress calls for a slimmer heel that will probably kill my feet after 2 hours of wear but I will cry tears of joy if they look fierce.

Shut the F Up

Recently I've become painfully aware of my increasingly high tolerance for profanity. I grew up in a Christian home where my mother was wary of letting me listen to anything but contemporary Christian music and soft rock. Once I reached my teens she loosened the reigns a little bit and I was allowed to listen to the secular music station although let's face it I used to listen to it well before then I'd just change the station whenever she entered the room. With the freedom to listen to Satan's music also came relaxed rules when it came to movies. She let me watch Clueless when it first came out which really opened the door wide open to my obsession with designer labels and pop culture in general.

Of course with all of this society acceptable entertainment came some cursing here and there. It has been ingrained in me from birth not to curse or to tolerate cursing. Like even the word damn would be banned in my house and technically I don't think that is a curse word. Anyways, I tried to be cool and pretend not to care or notice when I would hear a bad word but inside it was like a dagger to my soul just as my mother intended. Slowly but surely I became more immune to it and even fantasized about actually saying a bad word myself just to fit in with the other church kids rebelling against their parents by listening to unedited rap and rock albums but I never did. After awhile the only word that still got a rise out of me was the F word because for some reason people deem that the worst one of all. To me shit would be the worse curse word of them all because it's synonymous with feces and I personally believe that people should never be talking about it unless they are explaining a physical issue to their primary care physician.

Fast forward to present day when I will publicly admit to having a favorite curse word and that word is the F word. Notice that I still refrain from typing the full word out simply out of respect for my mother who will never read this because she doesn't know what a blog is. After my breakup with the dreaded ex the reality of life became so harsh I no longer could filter my true feelings about anything. That's when my general acceptance of cursing came full circle. In general I still don't curse very often and most of the time it's still under my breath to myself out of respect to those around me. I also don't ever say God dammit because I don't believe that God should be damned just because I'm having a bad day. Besides I find that most people rely to much on cursing instead of using the vocabulary they spent $40,000 perfecting in college. However when I am in the company of friends that I know appreciate and engage in such realness of speech, I do let the profanity fly and I feel safe. The art of cursing appropriately is quite delicate and hard to balance but I think I've mastered it. The key is to only pull out your favorite profane word when you're feeling very passionate about whatever it is you're responding to and you've planned it for perfect comedic timing. You must always curse sparingly if you choose to curse at all.

It wasn't until going to see a performance of Jersey Boys that I realized how tolerant I'd become of cursing. I took my mom to see the show as a part of her Christmas present because she has been dying to see if for years but neither one of us were prepared for the amount of cursing they had in it. She seemed to flinch a little at times with some of the crude language but she loved the music so much she didn't even seem to care. I on the other hand laughed every time they cursed because they nailed the comedic timing of it and because it no longer phases me. As a side note, if you ever get the opportunity to see this show I highly recommend it. I imagine that when my Christian friends read this they will read me the riot act and say that I am being a bad influence in a medium that is being viewed by a lost world. That isn't entirely untrue as I readily admit to encouraging my fellow fashionistas to go without eating a meal or two before ever passing up the chance to snag a fabulous piece of clothing or a must have accessory that is out of your budget if the Spirit or Rachel Zoe leads you to do so. I don't however believe that it's ruining my witness to others because I'm being honest. I'm not exactly sure how God feels about this nasty little habit that I've acquired but I imagine that if I'm actively doing my best to do whatever it is He's called me to do He'll let a few F bombs slide right?

Today's obsession is this fit and flare strapless bridesmaid dress I just bought from J. Crew as a part of some random promotion they were running this weekend. No I am not going to be in a wedding this summer but I fell in love with the silhouette and the gorgeous color. There are hundreds of ways you could easily style this so I know I will get a lot of wear out of it. Unfortunately it's back ordered until July but given the current Polar Vortex we've been experiencing I don't expect the weather to adequately warm up until around then. Also, the description of it online says it twirls quite nicely on the dance floor and if you know me at all you know that I've never met a dance floor that I didn't like.

Put A Ring On It

This year I've been trying to embrace my singleness because I've finally come to terms with the fact that, much like my student loans, it's not going away any time soon. While embracing my singledom I feel that I must also acknowledge the varying levels of single person behavior (SPB) that I engage in. I of course partake in the usual SPB crimes such as eating in bed, falling asleep with the tv on, and deeming a jar of peanut butter a completely balanced meal but there are others I have done that I used to qualify for complete shame. In an effort to be transparent I feel the need to expose one of these behaviors so that I may ask forgiveness from the gods that solve 1st world problems while I continue to shamelessly do this. I, on occasion, wear a fake engagement ring. Go ahead and let the judgement begin.

Let me first say that I started wearing this accessory not out of desperation to fit in with all of my engaged/married friends but I wore it simply out of pure vanity. I spotted the sparkler a few years ago on QVC. Watching QVC is another SPB that I engage in whenever they have a Diamonique Epiphany Collection show because all the items are super cheap but look like the real thing. I don't normally buy anything because I just like looking at sparkly things while I eat my lean cuisines on a tv tray but for some reason that night I felt compelled to buy something. At the advice of my favorite QVC host Lisa Roberts, I hopped online and purchased a cushion 100-facet solitaire ring that was on easy pay for two payments of $24.00. I simply couldn't pass it up.

I put it on the day it came in the mail and surprisingly it sparkled on my little finger exactly like it did on my tv screen. I had planned to take it off and put it back in the box to keep it looking shiny but I completely forgot that I had it on and went to Wendy's to get something for dinner. When I pulled up to the drive-thru window some wannabe thug cashier tried to hit on me while taking my money. The second he finished giving me his lame pick up line he quickly recanted and said "Hey yo I'm sorry I didn't know you had a man." I had no idea what he was talking about until I looked down at my hand and realized I still had my new sparkler on. He thought it was an engagement ring. Not only is this ring beautiful and realistic, it scares off creeps. This is awesome! After that incident I started seeing my little investment in a whole new light. I couldn't think quick enough on my feet to make up a story about a fake fiancé so I just said thank you to anyone who assumed the ring was a real representation of a relationship.

I couldn't get away with playing this game anywhere in my little town where people know me so I wore the ring to a J. Crew in the city one day and my personal shopper congratulated me on my imaginary engagement. At the time I was in what can loosely be described as an online relationship with a complete loser and the thought of actually being engaged to him still makes me dry heave to this day but the fact that people loved the ring actually made me smile. For a few moments I knew what it felt like to be the woman that a man wanted so much he was willing to spend his hard earned money on a shallow bauble and commit his life to her. It was then understood why even people in rocky or shallow relationships flaunt their engagements, the praise they get from total strangers really helps feed their insecurities!

After having a little fun I realized that I would have to really limit the amount of time I wore the ring because I certainly couldn't keep up the charade of an engagement to a man who didn't exist. The funny thing is I refuse to try on wedding dresses or real diamond rings just for fun because I am certain that it will jinx me and I'll never actually get married. I now only wear the ring at home every now and then when I'm feeling low. It still gives me a little sense of comfort that one day it still might happen for me and what it might feel like. I also get to imagine that any man I want is my fiancé. Currently I imagine that it's Chris Pine. I'm glad to finally have that off my chest. Just so you know I fully plan on continuing to wear it at home while cleaning, eating, sleeping, praying, dancing, laughing, or just dreaming because I'm single and I can do whatever I want.

To stay with the ring theme, this week's fashion find is this Epiphany Diamonique Double Halo Pink Ring courtesy of QVC. I would love to buy this but I haven't yet had a moment low enough in my life this year where I thought buying this was a good idea. It's actually on clearance for $48 but I've been eyeing a pair of Coach booties that are on sale for double the cost of this fake bauble so a tough decision will have to be made but I can promise you those booties will be on my doorstep next week if they still have my size come payday. I have provided a picture of them below. Please feel free to salivate as needed.

Hello Again

Hello all,

I hope the new year finds you well. We are 5 days in and I've yet to do anything I completely regret so I still have high hopes for 2014. I've also been on vacation since Christmas so I imagine my optimisim will wane quickly when I go back to work on Monday morning. I know it has been nearly 5 months since my last post and I apologize for my silence. Life had become uncharacteristically busy for me and my blog had to take a backseat to real world commitments. Real life sucks. I'd much rather be typing out my dreams and fantasies instead of sitting at my desk at work realizing that 80% of them will probably never come true. Not to fear though I am back and anxious to share stories about the adventures I've been on during the last few months. In true fashion they include several embarrassing moments, personal failures, daily annoyances, epiphanies, and my personal favorite continued rejection from men. I used to think that God was punishing me by allowing me to have all of these embarrassing dating experiences but now I take it in stride. I'm not so unfortunate looking that men wince when they see me, they've never referred to me as crazy or clingy which I think works in my favor, and most importantly the more dates I go on, failures or not, the more opportunties I have to buy and wear fierce outfits that I don't actually need. Basically God is allowing this all to happen for your entertainment so be sure to look up and thank Him when you get a chance. See we all win.

I myself don't normally make any resolutions but I fully support others who do. Weight loss is probably the most popular one and we are all now inundated with hundreds of commercials promising incredible results if we will simply take a pill that may or may not destroy our internal organs, work out nonstop for 5 hours a day, or frolic around a field with Jessica Simpson and her Weight Watchers plan. I have been able to stick with a regular workout routine thanks to Jillian Michaels and her wealth of videos but I always like to keep my eye out on new things to break up the monotony a little because I actually hate working out and contrary to popular belief it makes me sweat not glisten. Rachel Zoe and her team like to come up with a list of chic accessories every now and then to help fashionistas get excited about physical fitness. In her latest email she provided links to 10 different items all sure to make exercise feel fabulous. Although the $135 jump rope was tempting (not at all), my favorite is the Alexander McQueen skull printed towel that I have pictured above. She suggests that you take this along with you to cool down at the gym and it will only cost you a mere $295. Seriously? I guess this is how the wealthy rid themselves of sweat after a workout. If I was going to spend that much on a towel I certainly wouldn't dry my body with it. More than likely I would use it as a throw for my couch to discourage guests from sitting there but I would still brag about that fact that it was designer. Now that I think about it I usually feel like I'm going to die after I finish a Jillian Michaels workout so if I actually do end up dying as a result of a one-handed push up I would like my family to wrap my sweaty corpse in this towel.

The Group Hang

When a friend asks to set you up with someone it means one of two things, either she knows a guy that she truly believes would be a good match for you based on knowing your personalities and common interests or she feels sorry for one of you and thinks that being together is better than being alone regardless of the train wreck that would later ensue. Based on previous experience I should always assume the latter. The day after I attended the barbecue of the year I sent a quick text to Darci the hostess thanking her for a great time and to let her know that I thought The Accountant was cute. She squealed in excitement because Kimber had told her that he said he was interested in me too. Her matchmaking skills seemed to have worked. I must admit that I got a little excited myself. I've always wanted to have a summer romance and maybe this was finally my chance to experience that. She said that she and Kimber would set up a group hang later that week so that The Accountant and I could meet again. To my surprise they came through and set up plans for dinner and bowling with The Accountant and their spouses on Thursday after work. I of course spent the next 4 days trying to plan what to wear and on the day of the group hang totally changed my mind at the last minute. I went with a pink gingham button up shirt and rolled up the sleeves then paired it with a pair of baby blue Bermuda shorts and taupe colored ballet flats. I thought it was a cute yet sensible outfit.

I purposely showed up to the bowling alley 5 minutes late hoping to make an entrance but I arrived only to find that everyone else was running a few minutes late. As I stood there completely out of my element amongst beer bellies and smokers I saw Darci, her hubby Les, and the Accountant come rushing in apologizing for being late. Apparently Les had made a series of fashion faux pas while getting ready to come so she had to put him in some decent clothing last minute and the Accountant simply got lost. Can I just refer to him as TA from now on? Good cause I was going to anyways. TA came up to me to say hello and I greeted him with a friendly hello and turned around to get my bowling shoes. I was later told that he tried to give me a hug along with his hello but I completely missed that and was afraid I offended him. Crap. This evening was not starting off as planned. Kimber and her hubby Spoons showed up a few minutes later and we got two lanes to play boys against girls. We were put in order of couples so TA and I bowled at the same time and it was so awkward. The other two couples are both young marrieds who are still very much in the honeymoon phase so they would kiss and cuddle eachother between frames while TA and I would give eachother uncomfortable glances. I tried to have some casual conversation with him but I could tell that he was pretty uncomfortable talking to me around them since they were kind of making fun of him. He caught me by myself when I went to pay my share of the second round of games and asked if he could buy me a drink. I was pleasantly surprised but declined his offer since I knew we were going to the restaurant later and I didn't want him to have to pay for a beverage that I probably wouldn't have finished. He didn't say much to me in between frames but he beat me by at least 30 points in both games that we played. I'd like to note that I actually broke 100 in the second game which is amazing since I'm a terrible bowler.

We took our awkward party down the street to Buffalo Wild Wings because they were having a $.60 wing special that night and you can't beat that deal. We sat out on the patio at my blessing because I deemed the weather not too hot to sit outside. I refuse to stay outside in the heat if I'm just going to sit there and sweat especially if I'm trying to attract someone. The waitress came around to take our drink orders and asked if TA and I were going to be on the same ticket. I wanted to make a cute joke about how cool it was that she thought we were a couple but he looked a little shy about it so I just told her we were on separate tickets. I thought I would get a chance to talk to him over dinner but he sat right next to me the entire night and barely said a word to me but he did participate in the group conversations somewhat. We were the only two at the table to request blue cheese dipping sauce for our wings which I thought that was a sign of compatibility but I guess it was not. I spent most of the night talking to Darci who took pity on me since TA was kind of ignoring me. At one point she made a joke about TA and I hooking up later that night which I nervously laughed at and told her it was a horrible thing to say because he probably didn't like that but I looked over at him and he didn't seem opposed to it. That was the funny thing, he actually seemed like a cool guy when he wasn't preoccupied with what they were saying. Occasionally he had some pretty funny comebacks at them when they would make a joke about him. At the barbecue I found that he stays up to date with top 40 music and knows who all the current pop starlets are and even humored me by watching a YouTube video on Darci's phone of Miley twerking in a bear costume. I realize that since he's a guy and she was popping her booty he didn't mind watching it but I thought it was funny nonetheless.

10:30pm rolled around and we all had to work in the morning so we ended the night with hugs all around because after all they are huggers. I went to hug TA goodbye and he apologized for not talking and said that he was embarrassed to talk to me since they were giving him such a hard time. I told him it was ok and that he was a good sport for agreeing to hangout like this in such an awkward situation. I said goodbye to everyone else and started to walk towards my car at the same time that TA was leaving. Great, this was going to be awkward right down to the very last second. At least I had a fun night but at the same time I had a pretty good feeling that I would never see him again. He caught up with me and apologized again for all the awkwardness. He seemed to be kinda pissed at the group for teasing him and that it messed up his chance to get to know me. He even pointed out the fact that they were watching us from across the parking lot. He asked if he could have my number and said that he would text me. I couldn't believe it. A minute ago I thought this had ended in disaster and now he wants my number? We exchanged numbers and continued walking. I tried to make small talk to fill the silence as we reached our cars and felt like I was getting a good vibe from him. He was smiling and seemed to be engaged in our conversation. I didn't want to keep him if he was feeling uncomfortable so I told him I would stop badgering him to which he smiled and replied "No, please keep badgering me!" I giggled and said that I would talk to him soon and drove home. I felt like a giddy school girl for the rest of the night and could barely sleep. I gave a cute guy my number and he said he would text me. Things were looking up!

Over two weeks passed and TA never contacted me. I'm talking not a text, phone call, or even a smoke signal. Every guy advice book I've ever read or dating guru I've ever heard on the radio always says that a guy will contact you pretty soon after meeting you if he's interested. I believe within 3 days is the agreed upon waiting period but it had been way longer than that. Darci asked me if he ever texted me and was shocked to find that he never did. "That's like a slap in the face!" she said and I hadn't thought of it that way because I was still foolishly hopeful that he would contact me but she was right. She said that she would text Kimber to find out what was going on but I couldn't wait because I wanted to know what happened to change his mind about me. Did my hair fall flat? Did my deodorant stop working? Was my fashion sense too out there for him? (That last one can't be true because I wore very basic colors both times I met him in an effort not to scare him away) I felt I needed to seize the opportunity and YOLO (You Only Live Once) this situation and let him know that I was interested in case he thought that I wasn't. I mean he gave me his number too so the phone works both ways right? I spent about an hour thinking of what to say that would be equal parts casual and flirty so I came up with "Hey this is Darci's friend Stephanie and I just wanted to say that it was nice meeting you and and I wish I would have gotten the chance to talk to you more because you seem like a really nice guy!" I was pleased with my message and hit send. A few hours later he responded "It was nice meeting you too. Sorry I never contacted you but I've been busy trying to figure things out at work." Did you hear the slap across my face? If not perhaps you felt the ricochet of it as you read this. This is almost identical to the text that I received from my ex that preceded a month of not speaking to me followed by a breakup via email. I'm not naive in the dating game so I know when I'm getting the brush off and that response was He's Just Not That Into You 101. I haven't heard from him since.

I don't usually get rejected before I'm even asked on a 1st date but at least now I have something new to focus on when I'm feeling masochistic. What I don't understand is why he even asked for my number in the first place. He could have walked away and never saw or spoke to me ever again and I would have been fine with that but he actually approached me and asked for it. Oh well, no summer fling this year. I guess it's just another lesson learned in the black hole of single life. Lesson #87: If a guy asks you for your number don't assume that he'll actually use it. I suppose if I didn't continue to put myself out there in these awkward situations I would have nothing to blog about and I don't want to deny anyone the humor that they find in my misery. So here's hoping that over Labor Day weekend Darci sets me up with a guy that asks me to pay for his meal on the first date.

Let me state for the record that this is the very reason I don't ever talk to anyone about my dating/love life. Most of my married friends have been with their spouses since college days and got married shortly after graduation so they've never experienced years of dating rejection. They have no idea how embarrassing it is for me to listen to a story about how their husbands of 8 years surprised them with an overnight trip to the city for their anniversaries and then ask me to share tales of my exciting single life when the only story I have to share is that the night before I went out on a date with a balding 20 something who told me that I had giant teeth. They say married life is boring but a little stability and commitment sounds like fun to me. Going forward I'm not going to tell anyone in real life who I'm dating or am interested in until I'm engaged. Wait, I take that back because there's still a chance I'll get stood up at the alter and have to eat an entire wedding cake by myself (which actually sounds like a wonderful dream). I won't say anything to anyone until I'm married then I'll tweet about it and ask for privacy like the celebrities do.

This week's obsession is a fabulous short and tee combo from Missoni. The top is a mesh crewneck tee with cap sleeves and tweed shorts with a leather trim. These two pieces alone will set you back $800 before tax but they are made in Italy! I know that doesn't mean that it should cost that much but I'm guessing that is how they justify pricing it that high. What I wouldn't give to have my legs look like that in a pair of heels and expensive shorts. I am already on the lookout for the perfect outfit to wear to the Fashion's Night Out activities this year. It is normally the 1st Thursday in September but the temperature also tends to still be in the 80's then so I try to put together a look that allows for a breeze. This outfit would be a great contender if it happens to go on sale for about 70% off.

The Breakfast Club

There are stunningly beautiful women all over the world but finding a stunningly beautiful Christian woman is like finding a unicorn. When you're beautiful you don't have to rely on much more than your looks in most situations but these women choose to follow Jesus making them shine even brighter. These rare finds commit themselves to the Lord until they find the mate they believe that God has created just for them then they get married, build a picket fence, have beautiful children, and put all of us average looking people to shame when it comes to do-gooding cause lets face it if you were homeless wouldn't you much rather see Adriana Lima serving you food at a soup kitchen? Men become easily enamored with their looks followed by their kind giving spirits and completely loose their minds. I would sell my first born to be one of these women. We have one of these unicorn women at my church and I have been obsessed with her for the past 8 years. Well obsessed sounds a little strong.

She's stunningly beautiful, has always been in amazing physical shape, has a smile so sincere it could literally kill evil with one glance, and was by far the most eligible bachelorette in our congregation if not the entire town until the only attractive bachelor we had finally iced her right up into wedded bliss. She appears to have the perfect life and I haven't heard any gossip to dispute this so naturally I would give anything to be her. Ok obsessed is a fairly accurate description. Anyway, since she was a unicorn being so uncharacteristically magical in our sleepy town, I never got up the nerve to actually speak to her until our paths crossed about 8 months ago during the holidays. I volunteered to help a friend make Christmas decorations for the sanctuary and the unicorn was actually her neighbor and they were friends so she had also volunteered to help. We were paired together to construct several giant trees mirrored after the ones in Whoville. She introduced herself to me and readily accepted me mainly because we had friends in common which made me feel super cool like Lisa Turtle. It was a Saturday morning and she was wearing no makeup, a sweatshirt, yoga pants, and looking like the Victoria Secret models do in those backstage promos they shoot to show us that they don't always look glamorous but it only proves that they still look better than everyone else. She was so sweet and friendly I just wanted to hug her and she even shared a video of her 2 genetically perfect children that I did not ask to see (cause who really wants to watch a video of children that aren't your own) but I didn't mind it because she in all her beauty wanted me to see it. I had become one of those enamored men.

A few months after that chance meeting she sent me a friend request on Facebook which I eagerly accepted. About a month after that she sent me a message out of the blue complimenting me on my style and asking me where I buy my clothes. Saying this to me will always work in your favor. I was so excited I think I may have done a cartwheel. She likes me! She really really likes me! We chatted back and forth about a variety of things but she started focusing the conversation on fitness. I quickly found that she was a health and fitness nut. She began to ask me about my fitness regimen and diet and whether or not I wanted to make a change. I'll never be satisfied with my body until my thighs no longer rub together when I walk so yes I'm always open to new fitness and diet ideas. Then I discovered the true reason for our fast friendship. She informed me that she was a Shakeology representative and wanted me to join her next fitness challenge class of chubbies. What the hell is Shakeology? My thoughts exactly. Shakeology is a fancy version of Slim-Fast. You replace 2 meals a day with the shake and then eat a sensible lunch or dinner. The premise is the same as Slim-Fast however while you can buy a pack of Slim-Fast at a Walmart down the street, you have to order Shakeology which costs you $130 for a 30 day supply not including shipping. I imagine the cost evens itself out over time but it hurts to pay all at once up front especially when Banana Republic is having a sale and you're in the mood to buy something nautical.

At first I was a little offended that the unicorn asked me to join because I naturally thought she considered me fat since she thought I would benefit from taking her fitness challenge. More importantly I was sad that we weren't actually friends but I was instead another one of her projects. A chubby girl with body insecurities who could use a confidence boost from kickboxing. She was a little late to that game though because Jillian Michaels has already filled that void in my life and I only have to pay her $10 per DVD through Amazon. I still wanted her to like me so I agreed to join her fitness challenge group. She called it The Breakfast Club and it was a 30 day challenge where she required all participants to post before and after pictures of themselves (torture), buy at least one 30 day supply of Shakeology, substitute 2 meals a day with the shake, and post a picture of the 3rd healthy meal that you had for the day. I put in my order for the tropical flavor of the shake and logged in to the private group site that she had set up on Facebook. There were only 4 other participants and as I was reading a little more about each of my fellow chubbies I found that most of them were trying to lose those last stubborn pounds of baby weight they had put on during their last pregnancies. What was most interesting is that I recognized one of those baby weighters to be my ex's ex-wife. God has an amazing sense of humor doesn't he?

I knew it was the ex-wife because about 3 years ago I spent one lonely Saturday night Facebook stalking the woman trying to discover why my ex was committed enough to marry her and have children with her but he wouldn't even publicly acknowledge me as his girlfriend. The thing was she was an average looking girl much like myself. She looked like the nice girl next door who got caught up with the wrong guy and was now starting over. Seeing as how he made sure she never knew I existed, I knew I could participate without any weirdness cause she didn't know who I was. She was super nice and I think we could have easily become great friends if the situation were different. She has since found love with a car salesman, had another baby, and was now ready to get back to her pre-baby weight. Every day I would log in to the group page and read about the elaborate healthy meals that the other women would make for themselves and their families. Well they weren't elaborate as much as they required use of a stove and pan which is more than I'm capable of operating. I mainly stuck to frozen bags of vegetables that I could steam in the microwave, lean cuisines, and cottage cheese. Fortunately we had a group of very honest women and most of the days they were admitting to cheating and having pizza or other delicious foods that the unicorn had sworn off. I always have my cheat days pre-planned which she also told me was a big no-no. She was very encouraging but she did not play around when it came to healthy eating.

At the end of the challenge I found that I was eating smaller portions which is great but doing the shakes was not for me. I actually ended up returning the Shakeology and got a full refund no questions asked. The unicorn found out about it (I didn't know customer service would tattle on me otherwise I would have kept it) and said she understood although I could tell she was pretty disappointed in me. I like to eat actual food and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I didn't really need to loose weight but she did share some articles that caused me to be more mindful about not eating so much processed food so I have incorporated more fresh fruits and vegetables to my daily meals. From what I can tell the others lost little to no weight but they didn't gain and it was only a 30 day challenge so I'm sure they will see greater results in the months to come. The best thing to come out of this was the abandonment of my obsession with the unicorn. I finally realized that she looked so amazing because she only took in around 600 calories a day while running around with her children and praying to the big guy upstairs. She is still a super nice person but she is completely unattainable and I've made peace with that. Besides, after she posted how guilty she felt for eating a piece of toast, a boiled egg, some air popped popcorn, and an apple slice with peanut butter on it for her cheat day I knew we could never be friends. Maybe being an average human being with a sweet potato fry addiction and cellulite isn't the worst thing in the world.

This week's obsession is this breathtaking Illusion Top dress with lace embroidery brought to us by the legendary Oscar de la Renta who also happens to be celebrating his 81st birthday today. He is one that certainly proves age ain't nothin' but a number as he shows that he still has an eye for some insanely gorgeous pieces. For a mere $8890 you could own this dress and have to where it to every wedding and party for the rest of your natural life in order to justify the cost. This is the ultimate party girl dress and somewhere I'm sure there's a spoiled 16 year old society girl who just purchased this dress in anticipation of fall's first premiere event where she'll wear it for about an hour before she gets drops of puke on it after throwing up the bottle of vodka she stole from her mother's wet bar. Clearly I've watched to many episodes of Gossip Girl may it rest in peace.

Barbecue of the Year

The 4th of July is best known for freedom, fireworks, pool parties, barbecues, and a paid day off (for those of us not working in retail or the hospitals). For the past few years I have spent the day in bed because I usually had to work the next day and because my family is lame and hasn't done anything for the holiday since I was in college. This year I was fortunate enough to be invited to the party of the year. Darci is the most popular girl in our office and probably the most popular girl in town. I had worked in my current job for over a year before I really got to know her. She accepted another position in our office that required us to work together occasionally and the more I got to know her the more I could tell why everyone loved her. She's very outspoken but has the most hilarious delivery and she is easily one of the nicest people I've ever met. I began to notice her facial expressions in reactions to other's discussions during our weekly team meetings and once I discovered that we both found the same people to be outstandingly ridiculous I knew we were meant to be friends.

A few months ago she sent me a random Facebook message on St. Patrick's Day saying she knew a nice single guy that was looking to date and wanted to know if I was interested. At first I thought she had been out drinking and this was some kind of stupid joke but when I asked her about it at work the following day she was totally serious. All she told me was that he was her husband's college friend, that he was an Accountant who was working on his Master's degree while studying for the CPA exam, and that he was very tall. Tall and nerdy is right up my alley so I wanted to know more. She had shown him a picture of me and I'm told he said I was cute and I saw a blurry picture of him and said he could be cute if I could actually see him. I was very nervous to accept this offer because I have been out of the dating game for over 2 years now so I don't even know how to date anymore but I haven't had any males looking my way in a very long time and didn't know if or when this type of opportunity would come up again so I thought hey why not. We set up a day to go bowling after work a few weeks later with another couple who Darci also knew from college. Apparently he is always the 5th wheel when they go out so I was invited to even out the couples or something like that. Unfortunately we had to cancel the bowling night due to conflicting work schedules among the group so I never heard much about him after that until July rolled around.

Darci and I have inadvertently started a weekly ritual where I go into her office and we spend about 20 minutes discussing all the things that irritate us about our jobs and the people we work with. During one of our latest venting sessions she casually mentioned that she and her husband were hosting a barbecue at their house over the holiday weekend and that they were inviting family and friends most notably the Accountant friend that I never had the chance to meet. She followed up by sending out an invite through Facebook so I knew it was official. The details stated that the party would start at 6pm and would end at ??? Everyone was asked to bring a side or dessert to share as well as their drink of choice. I saw that at least 30 people were being invited but none of them were the Accountant meaning that I wouldn't have the luxury of Facebook stalking him prior to meeting him. Fair enough. I anxiously RSVP'd to the event of the summer because I didn't know what food to bring since I don't cook and I of course had no idea what to wear. Mind you this was about 3 weeks before the party but I like to plan ahead.

The big day came and the weather was beautiful so I had a good feeling about things. At the very last minute I found a very simple recipe for mini fruit pizzas so I went to the store to get the ingredients and took a catnap before making them. I decided that I would leave my house at 6pm since Darci's place is only 5 minutes away. I of course was still frosting cookies at 6pm and hadn't decided what to do with my hair so I didn't leave until closer to 6:30pm but at least now I could make an entrance. I decided to wear this super cute navy and white striped silk romper that I got at J.Crew Factory a few years ago and my gold jeweled Gianni Bini sandals. I put the top part of my hair up in a little ponytail to keep some of the hair out of my face so I wouldn't sweat as much and sprayed so much body splash on I was just asking mosquitoes to come and bite me. I arrived at the party and saw about 35 people in the backyard eating, mingling, and grooving to Top 40 hits but I didn't recognize a single person there until her cousin Amanda who I had gone to high school with spotted me from across the yard. I felt immediately at ease when she came over to talk to me and then Darci appeared with a pan full of meat and offered to show me around the house. Everyone there was young and attractive just like all the parties they had on The Hills. I wasn't even sure if I belonged there but I earned an invite so I was staying. She introduced me to her husband who instead of accepting my handshake embraced me in a bear hug informing me that they were hugging people. Ironically I am not. After I got the tour of the house she brought me back out to meet Kimber & Richard (who they have affectionately nicknamed Spoons) the other couple that we had planned to go bowling with and then turned me around to meet The Accountant.

There he was a tall drink of water standing at 6'7" wearing a green t-shirt, glasses, and buzzed red hair. Prior to this introduction I had only seen a very blurry picture of him so I was pleased at the tall cutie standing in front of me. We shook hands and then I bolted for the food table because I was starving. There was so much food you would have thought the entire city was invited but I limited myself to a hot dog and a couple of chips because you can't pig out in front of a guy you just met right? I had some light conversation with Kimber & Spoons while I was eating and then she suggested we get the party started by being the first to play a game so the 4 of us went out in the yard to play bags and we decided to play girls against boys. I think technically the boys won but I had a pretty good arm on me so I got in a few good attempts. Everyone at the party was watching us play and it was kind of cool to be the center of attention for a change. I suspect they even thought we were a couple (gasp). I was having fun so my nerves somewhat subsided but I was also starting to sweat and someone had just come in with shrimp so we stopped playing to get some more food. The Accountant brought me a drink (because Kimber told him to) and we continued to have a conversation on the deck. He was pretty quiet most of the time so I didn't really learn much about him that I didn't already know but he did tell me that he was shy and feeling a little awkward about the situation which I could totally relate to. I had to leave around 9pm because I had plans to go to the movies that night but I felt like it was the perfect opportunity to keep him wanting more....at least that's what they say in Cosmo.

I grabbed my purse and said goodbye to everyone and we all made tentative plans to hangout on Thursday after work. I went to shake The Accountant's hand goodbye but he went in for a hug instead because remember they are hugging people. I was pleasantly surprised by this action on his part but a little freaked out because I smelled like outside and my hair had frizzed up from the sweat so I don't know how pleasant it was for him. He is so tall that I basically hugged his stomach because I couldn't reach around his arms but it felt nice just the same. I bounced out of the party hoping and praying that a group hang was in the works because I am very interested in meeting him again. I was told afterwards that the last party guests didn't leave until 2am and most of the food went to waste but a fun time was had by all. Of course the only thing I was concerned about what whether or not The Accountant liked me. Apparently he hadn't said anything about meeting me but I'm also told that he is a man of few words when it comes to this sort of thing because they embarrassed him but he did agree to participate in the group hang so I guess I didn't scare him off completely. I'm of course now already nervous and attempting to plan what one wears when trying to attract someone while wearing hideous bowling shoes. That is a feat even this fashionista may not be able to master.

This week's obsession is not a clothing item but I'm just as head over heels for it. Chanel makes dumbbells! Of course Rachel Zoe was the one to inform me of this completely unnecessary accessory but this takes chic to a whole new level....the gym. Can you imagine actually seeing someone lifting a 2lb weight covered in quilted calfskin and take them seriously? These are actually so expensive they won't even post the price so you must call one of their boutiques directly to inquire about purchasing them. I love incorporating fashion into every aspect of my life but I don't think I can get on board with designer sport accessories. I mean don't get me wrong I make a point to look as adorable as one possibly can while sweating profusely during workout but I can't justify getting sweat on these beauties. I'm sure I will only see the likes of Jennifer Lopez using these but it's fun to know they actually exist.

The Package Tour

Last night The Sleeve and I went to a concert together. Yes this actually happened. In my defense I must explain that we made plans to go to this event over 6 months ago and at the time she was only mildly annoying but has since progressed to a level of annoyance normally reserved for teenage couples who suck face in public. The Sleeve and I only have two things in common. We are both single and we both grew up loving boy bands. Since she is now dating (as she reminds me everyday) we now only have the love of bubblegum pop music in common. She found out that the New Kids on The Block were going on tour after a long hiatus and asked if I was interested in going. The answer was simple because I never had the chance to see them in concert 25 years ago and Boys II Men and 98 degrees would be joining them so I couldn't miss this opportunity. What I didn't realize at the time was that committing to this would mean we would have to spend an uninterrupted 10 hours together but I knew it would give me enough material for a blog post.

We started out our adventure at 3:30pm since it was a nearly 2 hour trip to the concert venue. I took a nap earlier in the day to ensure I wouldn't be crabby because I expected to encounter hours of mindless chatter. The conversation on the way there went surprisingly well. I thought I would have to endure story after story about her troll of a boyfriend but she actually focused most of her time talking about her twin sister and there's always mildly interesting drama there since she hates her husband. We had planned to get a good parking space by getting there early and then walking down the street to eat at a fabulous restaurant like chic city girls while we waited for the doors to open. Things of course did not go as planned.

We got there early and did get a great parking spot but the chic dinner we had planned didn't happen. We read online that there was a plethora of eating places just a few blocks from the venue so we walked down there in the rain only to find that everything had either closed early because it was Sunday or had closed months ago and never reopened. Our last option was the Hard Rock Cafe which is known for having terrible food but at least it has a fun atmosphere. We walked over there only to find that they had a 2 hour wait and that would make us late for the show so that was also a no go. We walked back to the venue hungry and decided to just nibble on something at the concession stand when the doors opened which of course was still an hour away so we stood outside in the humid air huddled close to the door to shield us from the rain. I had to endure a play-by-play of every text that her man was sending her and the only thing that got me through the longest 60 minutes of my life was the opportunity to people watch.

Going into this I wasn't sure about the type of people I would see there because the original New Kids fans would be in their 40's now with a few outliers like myself who were probably too young to be listening to them who were just now reaching 30. They have come out with a few new albums over the past few years and with the addition of Boyz II Men and 98 degrees, I imagined that there would be people of all ages here. From simple observation I can say that I found the average New Kids fan to be middle aged, overweight, and a lover of crocs. I normally don't really notice other people's fashion sense unless it's outlandishly bad or incredibly fabulous. Most people fall somewhere in between which is were I fall most of the time but I must say that a good 80% of the concertgoers were dressed so horribly I silently wept in honor of all the tasteful pieces of clothing that would be shipped off to outlet shopping centers and die there on the rack while these people chose to stuff boobs, butts, and other body parts I don't care to see into glittery spandex and calling it cute. The other 20% was a mix consisting of chicly dressed women (and a few men who they drug in with them) and some ambitious girls dressed in Bebe and 5 inch Steve Madden heels who probably hoped to get backstage.

The concert was called The Package Tour (insert giggles here). I believe it was titled this because there were 3 formerly popular boy bands all wrapped up into one hot little package for all the fans. Of course when I first heard the title something much more inappropriate came to mind but take from that what you will. The show promptly began at 7:30pm with Boyz II Men opening the show followed by 98 Degrees who each played about a 35 minute set. Boyz II Men were great as you would imagine but 98 degrees was just ok....vocally that is. Physically they were insane! I've always felt that Nick Lachey is kind douchebag but his body is tight. Anyway, at promptly 9:00pm one of my childhood dreams finally came to fruition.

The New Kids On the Block hit the stage and for two blissful hours I was merely feet away from the very 1st love of my life Joey McIntyre. I know I'm supposed to say that my father was the first man I ever loved but he was not nearly as cute nor did he show his emotions through song like Joey. My one-sided love affair with him began when I was merely 7 years old. It was legal because he was the youngest one in the group at age 16 but it was wildly inappropriate mainly because I actually wore pajamas with his face on it. He was the cause of my first impure thought. It wasn't grossly sexual because I didn't know what sex was at the time but I knew that I wanted to kiss him and do whatever else went along with that which I was told only grownups did. I would always dream that he was singing all those songs directly to me just like I did last night at the concert only now he's 40 years old and married to a model/real estate agent with 3 kids. I tried not to think about that while I was jumping up and down like a fool belting out syrupy pop ballads and grinning from ear to ear. Let me also give Mr. Jordan Knight an honorable mention here because he has a falsetto that could rival Justin Timberlake's and he also took off his shirt while singing a Prince medley. That dude is ripped and I was grateful. I have to hand it to all 5 of them because they sang and danced on a stage that spun, spit fire, smoke, and strobe lights while rising several feet in the air at separate intervals throughout the show and they never missed a beat. If I ever meet the 40 something man of my dreams I will expect him to do this now that I know it's possible. They sang all of my favorite songs from the past and present and even had 4 different clothing changes....ultimate turn on.

We left the venue with strained voices from all the screaming we did and silly grins after being in the presence of our childhood crushes. We were able to get out of the parking garage fairly quickly because we were parked close to the exit and we were headed towards the highway while the majority of the concertgoers will still exiting the building. Unfortunately, we didn't truly get a head start because the exit we needed to take was closed. The Sleeve proceeded to try and find the right detour but only got frustrated when she couldn't and began to yell, curse, and bang the steering wheel. I always thought that she was crazy but now I had visible evidence of it. At one point it got so uncomfortable that I thought she was going to kill someone and since I was the only other person in the car I quickly realized my fate. She eventually decided to go back and go the only other way she knew which took an extra 30 minutes but at least we got to the right exit and found a McDonald's that was still open so we could finally eat. It wasn't a perfect evening but totally worth the $100 I paid for the ticket.

This week's obsession is the Amada Maxi Dress from Lily Pulitzer. I am a nut for anything nautical and this piece screams yacht chicness. If only I knew someone with a yacht that would invite me aboard I would have the perfect dress. It dips into a V-neck in the front but the big blue bow on the back is what took this dress from love to obsession. I am on the shorter side so I would probably have to have it taken up a little bit if I wanted to wear flat sandals with it but it would be worth the investment because this is a piece that can be worn for years to come. Swoon!

I Suck

Since my regular work schedule has consisted of 50 + hours a week for the past 6 months I've been feeling pretty miserable most of the time but on occasion I actually have a good day. The sun shines, the temperature is warm enough for me to wear cute sandals but not so hot I sweat ridiculously, employees and administrators take the advice I give them in a meeting at work, and my back fat is easily hidden by a dark colored cami. Yes sometimes I have a good day but then God gets wind of it and brings me back to reality. I am convinced that He must have some grand plan for my  life that requires me to be humble so he makes sure that I have a library of examples in my brain to remind me that I am human and that I suck. Here's the latest example.

As I was reading the church bulletin during service last week in an effort to stay awake during a long winded sermon, I came across a blurb about a young girl's conference that our church would be hosting this summer. The premise of the conference is for girls to recognize their inner beauty and strength and to learn how to prepare themselves for the difficulties of teen life. All women including mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, friends, and neighbors are encouraged to invite any girl ages 12 to 21 that they think could benefit from the content that will be presented. I immediately connected with this event because I grew up always feeling like I would never truly fit in just being myself and I could have truly benefited from something like this. I have also been looking for an opportunity to volunteer my time to something this summer so I thought this would be a great opportunity. I went to the volunteer informational meeting the following Tuesday after work and met a group of really great women. They were friendly, charismatic, and passionate about enriching the lives of young girls. I began to pat myself on the back for taking the initiative to join this cause, then the meeting began and I quickly discovered that I couldn't have been more out of place.

The woman who was coordinating the conference began to share a little bit about herself and how she became involved with this group. We then went around the room and everyone introduced themselves and explained what brought them to the group. One by one each woman shared how many children she had and her fears for the things in the media influencing her teenage or soon to be teenage daughters. The woman coordinating the event had 3 daughters ages 14-21, the next woman had a son and daughter ages 6 & 10, the woman sitting next to her had 5 children 4 daughters and 1 son ages 5-18, the next woman actually had 3 sons and I'm sitting there thinking what did I just walk into? I did not realize how focused this was on parents trying to connect with their children so I started to think that maybe I was not the ideal volunteer for this event. I later found that they were even having special sessions during the conference just for the mothers.

As they continued around the room to each woman and her litter of children, I quickly began to plan my escape. Was there a way I could duck out of this meeting completely unnoticed before I had to admit in front of all God's children that I have none of my own? Before I could come up with a decent escape route it was my turn to introduce myself. I told everyone my name and why I wanted to be a part of the event then the inevitable question came blaring from the other side of the room. "Do you have any kids?" I had to confess that I had no children and without skipping a beat the coordinator smiled said "Well that's alright because we need all types of people here." All the other women quickly nodded their heads in agreement and support of the childless girl in their midst. I'm still not really sure what she meant by her statement. Did they need single people? African-American people? Vain people? Wildly uncomfortable people? Lucky for them I'm all 4 wrapped up in one inadequate volunteer. As the meeting went on my ovary hung its head in shame.

When I got home that night I decided to scroll through the news feed on my Facebook page because I had not yet adequately destroyed my self-confidence for the day. I came across a photo posted on the page of a girl I knew in high school. I think it's safe to say that we were friends at the time but we haven't kept in touch. She moved to Tennessee for college, met the man of her dreams, and stayed there. They've been married for 7 years and had their 1st child a year ago. I heard through the grapevine that they were buying a new house because these are the things that married people talk to me about as if I can somehow relate. Her parents went there to help her move in and posted a picture of her new house. Actually the correct term for what was pictured is a mini mansion. I'm talking it looked like the Kardashian's starter home. It had an impeccably manicured lawn, vaulted ceilings, and a walk-in closet worthy of all my envy. I am 6 months older than she is and the only thing I own is 6 years of student loans. She lives the life of a respectable adult, the kind of life I actually imagined that I would have by now but thanks to layoffs, heartbreak, and reality I am more of a fabulous nomad still trying to figure it all out. It was in that moment that I remembered how much I suck.

This week's obsession is this fantastic polka-dot linen blazer from J.Crew. I've been completely obsessed with this jacket since it made its debut on the website about a month ago. It is currently on a promotional sale this weekend for $168 but as every savvy J.Crew shopper knows if you wait a few weeks for an additional price drop and keep your eye out for their standard additional 30% off weekend sales you can snag this beauty for at least half price and since I have already called to confirm that they are fully stocked with my size that is exactly what I will be doing.

Please also notice those cute ribbon sandals that the model is sporting. I called to inquire about the price only to find out that they had completely sold out online. I never even saw them featured (still not sure how this is possible) so obviously theses sandals were so hot they couldn't even keep them in stock. They quickly went from cute to must have. They did a store search and found them for me in one of their New York stores so I will be testing these out when little brown shorts (my UPS guy) drops them off at my front door next week. I got them 25% off which isn't great but it may seem totally worth it when I slide my feet into them.

Oh Mother

We celebrated Mother's Day recently and no one can say that I didn't do my part. Normally I take my mom out to brunch after church and gift her with whatever ridiculously inexpensive gift she asked for insisting that I not spend too much on her. This year I thought I would step things up a notch and I treated her to a weekend of shopping in the city. I booked a nice hotel room and even got tickets to the ballet. She's not a fan of the ballet particularly modern pieces but she went to appease me. After a late night watching beautiful people leap around the stage in point shoes (which I love by the way), a breakfast buffet built for champions (which it should be because it cost $13 a person) and 4 hours of shopping later she told me that she had a great time. She's a liar. I said it, my mother lied to me. There's no possible way she could have enjoyed spending 36 continuous hours with me because other than the fact that she gave birth to me, we have nothing in common.

I must admit that penchant for shopping is completely my mother's fault. I was practically raised in a mall. There was a cafeteria in our local mall that had tasty reasonably priced meals so we would go there every Thursday after my mom got off of work and picked me up from school. After dinner we would walk around the mall and window shop. Sears was her sanctuary so we would always go in there first and one of us would normally end up trying on clothes. We wouldn't always buy anything and even if we did there was a 50% chance my mother would return it because she was so indecisive. Once she became brave enough to drive on the highway we would go to the city for the day about once a month and go to one of the shopping center's there. It was our way of bonding.

Around the age of 12 I started to come into my own sense of style which was completely different than my mother's. She dressed like an old school church lady and I dressed like someone who was obsessed with The Limited Too because I was. It was then I realized how different we were. I became obsessed with Enrique Iglesias' Escape album but my mother made fun of me because she said he sounded like he was crying on his most popular song Hero. The woman couldn't even show me the Enrique love. She was attracted to men with long flowy hair and I loved preppy guys with a crew cut. (My father is bald by the way). She loves to sing in front of people I lip sync in all situations as to not embarrass myself. She despises reality TV I cannot get enough of it. She would prefer to only wear the colors black and brown and I have an aversion to wearing anything that isn't bright, bold, or a print. She has enough money in the bank to live off of for years I have enough to live off of until the end of this day. She eats ice cream even though she is lactose intolerant and I eat ice cream even though I have cellulite. Well that last one doesn't really count I guess.

We eat dinner together every Friday and after we have finished our appetizers we usually sit in silence because we have run out of things to say. Isn't that the saddest thing ever? I used to think I might be adopted and was abandoned by a Hollywood has been who wouldn't keep me because the pregnancy gave her stretchmarks and she would never forgive me. I would imagine that there was a mansion in California that was my birthright and I would get a jeep and a tight Calvin Klein dress like Cher did in Clueless but Dion was the black girl so I guess I should have dreamed of having braids and a tumultuous relationship with Donald Fasion. But alas those dreams would never come true because I very closely resemble my cousins so that theory is out.

I love my mother more than I can adequately put into words because I only now realize by watching my friends with their children how much she sacrificed for me. She's the only person I will ever trust 100% and the thought of her retiring in the next year frightens me because it is now becoming my role to take care of her. I would do anything for her but realizing that one day she won't be able to take care of herself is unsettling to say the least. She's always been so fiercely independent that I can't imangine her ever needing anyone for anything. How could the woman who always took care of everything now be forced to rely on me who takes care of nothing. The thought of having children scares me most of all because I know I'm not capable of being the mother she's been to me. My gifts lie elsewhere like being able to toast a bagel without burning down the house, finding the perfect Ralph Lauren onesie for a baby who will only be able to wear it once, sleeping through meetings with my eyes open, judging reality TV stars, the list goes on and on.

 This week's obsession is this stunning creation from Charlotte Olympia. This beauty sits up at 5 3/4 inches and is currently on sale for $733 at Neiman  Marcus. I know the word sale and the price $733 should never be spoken together unless you are talking about a brand new computer but there are women in the world that would find that to be a great deal and I hate them. I don't have any weddings on the calendar this summer to attend but if I did I would sport these babies on the dancefloor until I could no longer walk or until the other ladies got viciously jealous of my shoes whichever happened first.