She's stunningly beautiful, has always been in amazing physical shape, has a smile so sincere it could literally kill evil with one glance, and was by far the most eligible bachelorette in our congregation if not the entire town until the only attractive bachelor we had finally iced her right up into wedded bliss. She appears to have the perfect life and I haven't heard any gossip to dispute this so naturally I would give anything to be her. Ok obsessed is a fairly accurate description. Anyway, since she was a unicorn being so uncharacteristically magical in our sleepy town, I never got up the nerve to actually speak to her until our paths crossed about 8 months ago during the holidays. I volunteered to help a friend make Christmas decorations for the sanctuary and the unicorn was actually her neighbor and they were friends so she had also volunteered to help. We were paired together to construct several giant trees mirrored after the ones in Whoville. She introduced herself to me and readily accepted me mainly because we had friends in common which made me feel super cool like Lisa Turtle. It was a Saturday morning and she was wearing no makeup, a sweatshirt, yoga pants, and looking like the Victoria Secret models do in those backstage promos they shoot to show us that they don't always look glamorous but it only proves that they still look better than everyone else. She was so sweet and friendly I just wanted to hug her and she even shared a video of her 2 genetically perfect children that I did not ask to see (cause who really wants to watch a video of children that aren't your own) but I didn't mind it because she in all her beauty wanted me to see it. I had become one of those enamored men.
A few months after that chance meeting she sent me a friend request on Facebook which I eagerly accepted. About a month after that she sent me a message out of the blue complimenting me on my style and asking me where I buy my clothes. Saying this to me will always work in your favor. I was so excited I think I may have done a cartwheel. She likes me! She really really likes me! We chatted back and forth about a variety of things but she started focusing the conversation on fitness. I quickly found that she was a health and fitness nut. She began to ask me about my fitness regimen and diet and whether or not I wanted to make a change. I'll never be satisfied with my body until my thighs no longer rub together when I walk so yes I'm always open to new fitness and diet ideas. Then I discovered the true reason for our fast friendship. She informed me that she was a Shakeology representative and wanted me to join her next fitness challenge class of chubbies. What the hell is Shakeology? My thoughts exactly. Shakeology is a fancy version of Slim-Fast. You replace 2 meals a day with the shake and then eat a sensible lunch or dinner. The premise is the same as Slim-Fast however while you can buy a pack of Slim-Fast at a Walmart down the street, you have to order Shakeology which costs you $130 for a 30 day supply not including shipping. I imagine the cost evens itself out over time but it hurts to pay all at once up front especially when Banana Republic is having a sale and you're in the mood to buy something nautical.
At first I was a little offended that the unicorn asked me to join because I naturally thought she considered me fat since she thought I would benefit from taking her fitness challenge. More importantly I was sad that we weren't actually friends but I was instead another one of her projects. A chubby girl with body insecurities who could use a confidence boost from kickboxing. She was a little late to that game though because Jillian Michaels has already filled that void in my life and I only have to pay her $10 per DVD through Amazon. I still wanted her to like me so I agreed to join her fitness challenge group. She called it The Breakfast Club and it was a 30 day challenge where she required all participants to post before and after pictures of themselves (torture), buy at least one 30 day supply of Shakeology, substitute 2 meals a day with the shake, and post a picture of the 3rd healthy meal that you had for the day. I put in my order for the tropical flavor of the shake and logged in to the private group site that she had set up on Facebook. There were only 4 other participants and as I was reading a little more about each of my fellow chubbies I found that most of them were trying to lose those last stubborn pounds of baby weight they had put on during their last pregnancies. What was most interesting is that I recognized one of those baby weighters to be my ex's ex-wife. God has an amazing sense of humor doesn't he?
I knew it was the ex-wife because about 3 years ago I spent one lonely Saturday night Facebook stalking the woman trying to discover why my ex was committed enough to marry her and have children with her but he wouldn't even publicly acknowledge me as his girlfriend. The thing was she was an average looking girl much like myself. She looked like the nice girl next door who got caught up with the wrong guy and was now starting over. Seeing as how he made sure she never knew I existed, I knew I could participate without any weirdness cause she didn't know who I was. She was super nice and I think we could have easily become great friends if the situation were different. She has since found love with a car salesman, had another baby, and was now ready to get back to her pre-baby weight. Every day I would log in to the group page and read about the elaborate healthy meals that the other women would make for themselves and their families. Well they weren't elaborate as much as they required use of a stove and pan which is more than I'm capable of operating. I mainly stuck to frozen bags of vegetables that I could steam in the microwave, lean cuisines, and cottage cheese. Fortunately we had a group of very honest women and most of the days they were admitting to cheating and having pizza or other delicious foods that the unicorn had sworn off. I always have my cheat days pre-planned which she also told me was a big no-no. She was very encouraging but she did not play around when it came to healthy eating.
At the end of the challenge I found that I was eating smaller portions which is great but doing the shakes was not for me. I actually ended up returning the Shakeology and got a full refund no questions asked. The unicorn found out about it (I didn't know customer service would tattle on me otherwise I would have kept it) and said she understood although I could tell she was pretty disappointed in me. I like to eat actual food and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I didn't really need to loose weight but she did share some articles that caused me to be more mindful about not eating so much processed food so I have incorporated more fresh fruits and vegetables to my daily meals. From what I can tell the others lost little to no weight but they didn't gain and it was only a 30 day challenge so I'm sure they will see greater results in the months to come. The best thing to come out of this was the abandonment of my obsession with the unicorn. I finally realized that she looked so amazing because she only took in around 600 calories a day while running around with her children and praying to the big guy upstairs. She is still a super nice person but she is completely unattainable and I've made peace with that. Besides, after she posted how guilty she felt for eating a piece of toast, a boiled egg, some air popped popcorn, and an apple slice with peanut butter on it for her cheat day I knew we could never be friends. Maybe being an average human being with a sweet potato fry addiction and cellulite isn't the worst thing in the world.
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