Baby Invasion

This past week at work was the worst. We only have a staff of 20 people to meet the human resource needs of 1,500 employees and since our managers aren't aware that you can refuse someone's vacation request if other people have already requested the same days off, they allowed half of our staff to be out this week leaving us with quite the skeleton crew. Seeing as how my counterpart at work rarely does anything she's supposed to do, I am already accustomed to doing the work of 2 people so covering for another 5 felt just like any other day in our office. Things were so crazy I didn't even get to take a lunch break at all this week so my stress level was at an all time high. On Tuesday afternoon I went up to the reception area to mail out some letters and before I could make it across the room of my co-workers called out, "Stephanie come look at the baby!". I turned around and saw that they were all huddled around a woman that works across the hall and she was holding up a newborn just like Mufasa raised up baby Simba.

I was immediately annoyed because I was in the middle of working on 5 different things and I just wanted to go back to my office and scream but I put on a smile and went over there out of some unwritten obligation that is invisibly listed in every employee handbook across the country. When someone brings a baby into the office you must go and look at it. Unfortunately this unwritten rule does not specify how long one must stand there faking excitement and interest so I always awkwardly find a way to leave the situation about 2 minutes after I've arrived.

Don't get me wrong I don't feel this disdain for all babies just most. I make exceptions for the children of my close friends because I like them and don't feel like I should hold it against them that they have replaced a percentage of their love for me with the love of their child. Since I only consider about 5 people in this world close friends, my criteria for accepting other babies is quite strict. They have to be absurdly adorable, wearing designer layettes, smell like jasmine, or be the child of a celebrity. The problem I had with this particular infant was the fact that I didn't know her or her mother. I can usually feign interest in looking at the baby of someone I know but this baby was a complete random to me. To make matters worse, this child was the granddaughter of the woman from across the hall. Please note that I don't even know the woman's name. Our only interaction in the 3 years I've worked there happened a few weeks ago when she gave me a refund because the vending machine ate my dollar without giving me my fruit snacks. That is literally the extent of my relationship with her. This means that I was asked to stop what I was doing and admire a baby brought in by someone who doesn't even work here. I refuse to fawn over a child in the workplace if they aren't on an insurance plan paid for by our employer. This begs the question, why does society expect us to ooh and aah over the mere presence of a baby? If I don't know the child or didn't give birth to it why should I care otherwise?

The baby invasion didn't stop there. At church this morning our pastor brought his 17 day old grandson to the platform to show him off and to use him as an illustration for his sermon. He was trying to explain to the congregation that when we are born again as Christians we are essentially babies in our spiritual walk but we are meant to grow in our relationship with Christ just as babies grow. He made a very good point. He also stood there cradling his grandson for 20 minutes while I was trying to record the sermon notes posted behind him on the screen and all the baby lovers in the room cheered with each stretch of the baby's tiny arms. I couldn't handle it.

The worst thing someone can do is ask me if I'd like to hold a baby. First of all, I'm always surprised that any part of my demeanor makes them think that would be a good idea. I honestly equate seeing someone walking towards me holding a baby to seeing someone walk into the room with a bomb strapped to their chest. My anxiety level is exactly the same in both situations. Am I the only one? Babies wiggle around so much I could very easily drop it and what if I hurt it or worse what if it starts crying and won't stop? My ears can't handle that. What if I don't thoroughly sanitize my hands and I give it the sniffles? Babies are everywhere. In the booth next to me at Red Lobster. At the end of the aisle in Target. Hiding under the manicurist table at the spa. Sitting in a car seat on the floor at a midnight showing of Divergent. Nowhere is safe and there is nowhere to hide. How does one survive in the land of babes without the appropriate instructions and a guide?

The funny thing is if I see a puppy I squeal with delight and if that puppy is wearing an article of clothing and being tugged by a Burberry leash, I generally pass out with joy. What does that say about me? Actually don't answer that. In an effort to show that I'm not completely opposed to the existence of children, this week's obsessions are a few Easter outfits for kids compliments of Saks Fifth Avenue. These children are so perfectly polished and adorable there's no possible way that they are real. The boy is sporting Ralph Lauren from head to toe including an Oxford blazer, Oxford button up, seersucker shorts, and telly leather loafers. The entire outfit will set you back $290. As for the little girl, she is modeling a color block dress from Armani's kids collection made of beautiful Italian fabric which retails at $310. What better reason to refinance your home than to use the money to dress your children in designer labels?