The Group Hang

When a friend asks to set you up with someone it means one of two things, either she knows a guy that she truly believes would be a good match for you based on knowing your personalities and common interests or she feels sorry for one of you and thinks that being together is better than being alone regardless of the train wreck that would later ensue. Based on previous experience I should always assume the latter. The day after I attended the barbecue of the year I sent a quick text to Darci the hostess thanking her for a great time and to let her know that I thought The Accountant was cute. She squealed in excitement because Kimber had told her that he said he was interested in me too. Her matchmaking skills seemed to have worked. I must admit that I got a little excited myself. I've always wanted to have a summer romance and maybe this was finally my chance to experience that. She said that she and Kimber would set up a group hang later that week so that The Accountant and I could meet again. To my surprise they came through and set up plans for dinner and bowling with The Accountant and their spouses on Thursday after work. I of course spent the next 4 days trying to plan what to wear and on the day of the group hang totally changed my mind at the last minute. I went with a pink gingham button up shirt and rolled up the sleeves then paired it with a pair of baby blue Bermuda shorts and taupe colored ballet flats. I thought it was a cute yet sensible outfit.

I purposely showed up to the bowling alley 5 minutes late hoping to make an entrance but I arrived only to find that everyone else was running a few minutes late. As I stood there completely out of my element amongst beer bellies and smokers I saw Darci, her hubby Les, and the Accountant come rushing in apologizing for being late. Apparently Les had made a series of fashion faux pas while getting ready to come so she had to put him in some decent clothing last minute and the Accountant simply got lost. Can I just refer to him as TA from now on? Good cause I was going to anyways. TA came up to me to say hello and I greeted him with a friendly hello and turned around to get my bowling shoes. I was later told that he tried to give me a hug along with his hello but I completely missed that and was afraid I offended him. Crap. This evening was not starting off as planned. Kimber and her hubby Spoons showed up a few minutes later and we got two lanes to play boys against girls. We were put in order of couples so TA and I bowled at the same time and it was so awkward. The other two couples are both young marrieds who are still very much in the honeymoon phase so they would kiss and cuddle eachother between frames while TA and I would give eachother uncomfortable glances. I tried to have some casual conversation with him but I could tell that he was pretty uncomfortable talking to me around them since they were kind of making fun of him. He caught me by myself when I went to pay my share of the second round of games and asked if he could buy me a drink. I was pleasantly surprised but declined his offer since I knew we were going to the restaurant later and I didn't want him to have to pay for a beverage that I probably wouldn't have finished. He didn't say much to me in between frames but he beat me by at least 30 points in both games that we played. I'd like to note that I actually broke 100 in the second game which is amazing since I'm a terrible bowler.

We took our awkward party down the street to Buffalo Wild Wings because they were having a $.60 wing special that night and you can't beat that deal. We sat out on the patio at my blessing because I deemed the weather not too hot to sit outside. I refuse to stay outside in the heat if I'm just going to sit there and sweat especially if I'm trying to attract someone. The waitress came around to take our drink orders and asked if TA and I were going to be on the same ticket. I wanted to make a cute joke about how cool it was that she thought we were a couple but he looked a little shy about it so I just told her we were on separate tickets. I thought I would get a chance to talk to him over dinner but he sat right next to me the entire night and barely said a word to me but he did participate in the group conversations somewhat. We were the only two at the table to request blue cheese dipping sauce for our wings which I thought that was a sign of compatibility but I guess it was not. I spent most of the night talking to Darci who took pity on me since TA was kind of ignoring me. At one point she made a joke about TA and I hooking up later that night which I nervously laughed at and told her it was a horrible thing to say because he probably didn't like that but I looked over at him and he didn't seem opposed to it. That was the funny thing, he actually seemed like a cool guy when he wasn't preoccupied with what they were saying. Occasionally he had some pretty funny comebacks at them when they would make a joke about him. At the barbecue I found that he stays up to date with top 40 music and knows who all the current pop starlets are and even humored me by watching a YouTube video on Darci's phone of Miley twerking in a bear costume. I realize that since he's a guy and she was popping her booty he didn't mind watching it but I thought it was funny nonetheless.

10:30pm rolled around and we all had to work in the morning so we ended the night with hugs all around because after all they are huggers. I went to hug TA goodbye and he apologized for not talking and said that he was embarrassed to talk to me since they were giving him such a hard time. I told him it was ok and that he was a good sport for agreeing to hangout like this in such an awkward situation. I said goodbye to everyone else and started to walk towards my car at the same time that TA was leaving. Great, this was going to be awkward right down to the very last second. At least I had a fun night but at the same time I had a pretty good feeling that I would never see him again. He caught up with me and apologized again for all the awkwardness. He seemed to be kinda pissed at the group for teasing him and that it messed up his chance to get to know me. He even pointed out the fact that they were watching us from across the parking lot. He asked if he could have my number and said that he would text me. I couldn't believe it. A minute ago I thought this had ended in disaster and now he wants my number? We exchanged numbers and continued walking. I tried to make small talk to fill the silence as we reached our cars and felt like I was getting a good vibe from him. He was smiling and seemed to be engaged in our conversation. I didn't want to keep him if he was feeling uncomfortable so I told him I would stop badgering him to which he smiled and replied "No, please keep badgering me!" I giggled and said that I would talk to him soon and drove home. I felt like a giddy school girl for the rest of the night and could barely sleep. I gave a cute guy my number and he said he would text me. Things were looking up!

Over two weeks passed and TA never contacted me. I'm talking not a text, phone call, or even a smoke signal. Every guy advice book I've ever read or dating guru I've ever heard on the radio always says that a guy will contact you pretty soon after meeting you if he's interested. I believe within 3 days is the agreed upon waiting period but it had been way longer than that. Darci asked me if he ever texted me and was shocked to find that he never did. "That's like a slap in the face!" she said and I hadn't thought of it that way because I was still foolishly hopeful that he would contact me but she was right. She said that she would text Kimber to find out what was going on but I couldn't wait because I wanted to know what happened to change his mind about me. Did my hair fall flat? Did my deodorant stop working? Was my fashion sense too out there for him? (That last one can't be true because I wore very basic colors both times I met him in an effort not to scare him away) I felt I needed to seize the opportunity and YOLO (You Only Live Once) this situation and let him know that I was interested in case he thought that I wasn't. I mean he gave me his number too so the phone works both ways right? I spent about an hour thinking of what to say that would be equal parts casual and flirty so I came up with "Hey this is Darci's friend Stephanie and I just wanted to say that it was nice meeting you and and I wish I would have gotten the chance to talk to you more because you seem like a really nice guy!" I was pleased with my message and hit send. A few hours later he responded "It was nice meeting you too. Sorry I never contacted you but I've been busy trying to figure things out at work." Did you hear the slap across my face? If not perhaps you felt the ricochet of it as you read this. This is almost identical to the text that I received from my ex that preceded a month of not speaking to me followed by a breakup via email. I'm not naive in the dating game so I know when I'm getting the brush off and that response was He's Just Not That Into You 101. I haven't heard from him since.

I don't usually get rejected before I'm even asked on a 1st date but at least now I have something new to focus on when I'm feeling masochistic. What I don't understand is why he even asked for my number in the first place. He could have walked away and never saw or spoke to me ever again and I would have been fine with that but he actually approached me and asked for it. Oh well, no summer fling this year. I guess it's just another lesson learned in the black hole of single life. Lesson #87: If a guy asks you for your number don't assume that he'll actually use it. I suppose if I didn't continue to put myself out there in these awkward situations I would have nothing to blog about and I don't want to deny anyone the humor that they find in my misery. So here's hoping that over Labor Day weekend Darci sets me up with a guy that asks me to pay for his meal on the first date.

Let me state for the record that this is the very reason I don't ever talk to anyone about my dating/love life. Most of my married friends have been with their spouses since college days and got married shortly after graduation so they've never experienced years of dating rejection. They have no idea how embarrassing it is for me to listen to a story about how their husbands of 8 years surprised them with an overnight trip to the city for their anniversaries and then ask me to share tales of my exciting single life when the only story I have to share is that the night before I went out on a date with a balding 20 something who told me that I had giant teeth. They say married life is boring but a little stability and commitment sounds like fun to me. Going forward I'm not going to tell anyone in real life who I'm dating or am interested in until I'm engaged. Wait, I take that back because there's still a chance I'll get stood up at the alter and have to eat an entire wedding cake by myself (which actually sounds like a wonderful dream). I won't say anything to anyone until I'm married then I'll tweet about it and ask for privacy like the celebrities do.

This week's obsession is a fabulous short and tee combo from Missoni. The top is a mesh crewneck tee with cap sleeves and tweed shorts with a leather trim. These two pieces alone will set you back $800 before tax but they are made in Italy! I know that doesn't mean that it should cost that much but I'm guessing that is how they justify pricing it that high. What I wouldn't give to have my legs look like that in a pair of heels and expensive shorts. I am already on the lookout for the perfect outfit to wear to the Fashion's Night Out activities this year. It is normally the 1st Thursday in September but the temperature also tends to still be in the 80's then so I try to put together a look that allows for a breeze. This outfit would be a great contender if it happens to go on sale for about 70% off.

The Breakfast Club

There are stunningly beautiful women all over the world but finding a stunningly beautiful Christian woman is like finding a unicorn. When you're beautiful you don't have to rely on much more than your looks in most situations but these women choose to follow Jesus making them shine even brighter. These rare finds commit themselves to the Lord until they find the mate they believe that God has created just for them then they get married, build a picket fence, have beautiful children, and put all of us average looking people to shame when it comes to do-gooding cause lets face it if you were homeless wouldn't you much rather see Adriana Lima serving you food at a soup kitchen? Men become easily enamored with their looks followed by their kind giving spirits and completely loose their minds. I would sell my first born to be one of these women. We have one of these unicorn women at my church and I have been obsessed with her for the past 8 years. Well obsessed sounds a little strong.

She's stunningly beautiful, has always been in amazing physical shape, has a smile so sincere it could literally kill evil with one glance, and was by far the most eligible bachelorette in our congregation if not the entire town until the only attractive bachelor we had finally iced her right up into wedded bliss. She appears to have the perfect life and I haven't heard any gossip to dispute this so naturally I would give anything to be her. Ok obsessed is a fairly accurate description. Anyway, since she was a unicorn being so uncharacteristically magical in our sleepy town, I never got up the nerve to actually speak to her until our paths crossed about 8 months ago during the holidays. I volunteered to help a friend make Christmas decorations for the sanctuary and the unicorn was actually her neighbor and they were friends so she had also volunteered to help. We were paired together to construct several giant trees mirrored after the ones in Whoville. She introduced herself to me and readily accepted me mainly because we had friends in common which made me feel super cool like Lisa Turtle. It was a Saturday morning and she was wearing no makeup, a sweatshirt, yoga pants, and looking like the Victoria Secret models do in those backstage promos they shoot to show us that they don't always look glamorous but it only proves that they still look better than everyone else. She was so sweet and friendly I just wanted to hug her and she even shared a video of her 2 genetically perfect children that I did not ask to see (cause who really wants to watch a video of children that aren't your own) but I didn't mind it because she in all her beauty wanted me to see it. I had become one of those enamored men.

A few months after that chance meeting she sent me a friend request on Facebook which I eagerly accepted. About a month after that she sent me a message out of the blue complimenting me on my style and asking me where I buy my clothes. Saying this to me will always work in your favor. I was so excited I think I may have done a cartwheel. She likes me! She really really likes me! We chatted back and forth about a variety of things but she started focusing the conversation on fitness. I quickly found that she was a health and fitness nut. She began to ask me about my fitness regimen and diet and whether or not I wanted to make a change. I'll never be satisfied with my body until my thighs no longer rub together when I walk so yes I'm always open to new fitness and diet ideas. Then I discovered the true reason for our fast friendship. She informed me that she was a Shakeology representative and wanted me to join her next fitness challenge class of chubbies. What the hell is Shakeology? My thoughts exactly. Shakeology is a fancy version of Slim-Fast. You replace 2 meals a day with the shake and then eat a sensible lunch or dinner. The premise is the same as Slim-Fast however while you can buy a pack of Slim-Fast at a Walmart down the street, you have to order Shakeology which costs you $130 for a 30 day supply not including shipping. I imagine the cost evens itself out over time but it hurts to pay all at once up front especially when Banana Republic is having a sale and you're in the mood to buy something nautical.

At first I was a little offended that the unicorn asked me to join because I naturally thought she considered me fat since she thought I would benefit from taking her fitness challenge. More importantly I was sad that we weren't actually friends but I was instead another one of her projects. A chubby girl with body insecurities who could use a confidence boost from kickboxing. She was a little late to that game though because Jillian Michaels has already filled that void in my life and I only have to pay her $10 per DVD through Amazon. I still wanted her to like me so I agreed to join her fitness challenge group. She called it The Breakfast Club and it was a 30 day challenge where she required all participants to post before and after pictures of themselves (torture), buy at least one 30 day supply of Shakeology, substitute 2 meals a day with the shake, and post a picture of the 3rd healthy meal that you had for the day. I put in my order for the tropical flavor of the shake and logged in to the private group site that she had set up on Facebook. There were only 4 other participants and as I was reading a little more about each of my fellow chubbies I found that most of them were trying to lose those last stubborn pounds of baby weight they had put on during their last pregnancies. What was most interesting is that I recognized one of those baby weighters to be my ex's ex-wife. God has an amazing sense of humor doesn't he?

I knew it was the ex-wife because about 3 years ago I spent one lonely Saturday night Facebook stalking the woman trying to discover why my ex was committed enough to marry her and have children with her but he wouldn't even publicly acknowledge me as his girlfriend. The thing was she was an average looking girl much like myself. She looked like the nice girl next door who got caught up with the wrong guy and was now starting over. Seeing as how he made sure she never knew I existed, I knew I could participate without any weirdness cause she didn't know who I was. She was super nice and I think we could have easily become great friends if the situation were different. She has since found love with a car salesman, had another baby, and was now ready to get back to her pre-baby weight. Every day I would log in to the group page and read about the elaborate healthy meals that the other women would make for themselves and their families. Well they weren't elaborate as much as they required use of a stove and pan which is more than I'm capable of operating. I mainly stuck to frozen bags of vegetables that I could steam in the microwave, lean cuisines, and cottage cheese. Fortunately we had a group of very honest women and most of the days they were admitting to cheating and having pizza or other delicious foods that the unicorn had sworn off. I always have my cheat days pre-planned which she also told me was a big no-no. She was very encouraging but she did not play around when it came to healthy eating.

At the end of the challenge I found that I was eating smaller portions which is great but doing the shakes was not for me. I actually ended up returning the Shakeology and got a full refund no questions asked. The unicorn found out about it (I didn't know customer service would tattle on me otherwise I would have kept it) and said she understood although I could tell she was pretty disappointed in me. I like to eat actual food and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I didn't really need to loose weight but she did share some articles that caused me to be more mindful about not eating so much processed food so I have incorporated more fresh fruits and vegetables to my daily meals. From what I can tell the others lost little to no weight but they didn't gain and it was only a 30 day challenge so I'm sure they will see greater results in the months to come. The best thing to come out of this was the abandonment of my obsession with the unicorn. I finally realized that she looked so amazing because she only took in around 600 calories a day while running around with her children and praying to the big guy upstairs. She is still a super nice person but she is completely unattainable and I've made peace with that. Besides, after she posted how guilty she felt for eating a piece of toast, a boiled egg, some air popped popcorn, and an apple slice with peanut butter on it for her cheat day I knew we could never be friends. Maybe being an average human being with a sweet potato fry addiction and cellulite isn't the worst thing in the world.

This week's obsession is this breathtaking Illusion Top dress with lace embroidery brought to us by the legendary Oscar de la Renta who also happens to be celebrating his 81st birthday today. He is one that certainly proves age ain't nothin' but a number as he shows that he still has an eye for some insanely gorgeous pieces. For a mere $8890 you could own this dress and have to where it to every wedding and party for the rest of your natural life in order to justify the cost. This is the ultimate party girl dress and somewhere I'm sure there's a spoiled 16 year old society girl who just purchased this dress in anticipation of fall's first premiere event where she'll wear it for about an hour before she gets drops of puke on it after throwing up the bottle of vodka she stole from her mother's wet bar. Clearly I've watched to many episodes of Gossip Girl may it rest in peace.

Barbecue of the Year

The 4th of July is best known for freedom, fireworks, pool parties, barbecues, and a paid day off (for those of us not working in retail or the hospitals). For the past few years I have spent the day in bed because I usually had to work the next day and because my family is lame and hasn't done anything for the holiday since I was in college. This year I was fortunate enough to be invited to the party of the year. Darci is the most popular girl in our office and probably the most popular girl in town. I had worked in my current job for over a year before I really got to know her. She accepted another position in our office that required us to work together occasionally and the more I got to know her the more I could tell why everyone loved her. She's very outspoken but has the most hilarious delivery and she is easily one of the nicest people I've ever met. I began to notice her facial expressions in reactions to other's discussions during our weekly team meetings and once I discovered that we both found the same people to be outstandingly ridiculous I knew we were meant to be friends.

A few months ago she sent me a random Facebook message on St. Patrick's Day saying she knew a nice single guy that was looking to date and wanted to know if I was interested. At first I thought she had been out drinking and this was some kind of stupid joke but when I asked her about it at work the following day she was totally serious. All she told me was that he was her husband's college friend, that he was an Accountant who was working on his Master's degree while studying for the CPA exam, and that he was very tall. Tall and nerdy is right up my alley so I wanted to know more. She had shown him a picture of me and I'm told he said I was cute and I saw a blurry picture of him and said he could be cute if I could actually see him. I was very nervous to accept this offer because I have been out of the dating game for over 2 years now so I don't even know how to date anymore but I haven't had any males looking my way in a very long time and didn't know if or when this type of opportunity would come up again so I thought hey why not. We set up a day to go bowling after work a few weeks later with another couple who Darci also knew from college. Apparently he is always the 5th wheel when they go out so I was invited to even out the couples or something like that. Unfortunately we had to cancel the bowling night due to conflicting work schedules among the group so I never heard much about him after that until July rolled around.

Darci and I have inadvertently started a weekly ritual where I go into her office and we spend about 20 minutes discussing all the things that irritate us about our jobs and the people we work with. During one of our latest venting sessions she casually mentioned that she and her husband were hosting a barbecue at their house over the holiday weekend and that they were inviting family and friends most notably the Accountant friend that I never had the chance to meet. She followed up by sending out an invite through Facebook so I knew it was official. The details stated that the party would start at 6pm and would end at ??? Everyone was asked to bring a side or dessert to share as well as their drink of choice. I saw that at least 30 people were being invited but none of them were the Accountant meaning that I wouldn't have the luxury of Facebook stalking him prior to meeting him. Fair enough. I anxiously RSVP'd to the event of the summer because I didn't know what food to bring since I don't cook and I of course had no idea what to wear. Mind you this was about 3 weeks before the party but I like to plan ahead.

The big day came and the weather was beautiful so I had a good feeling about things. At the very last minute I found a very simple recipe for mini fruit pizzas so I went to the store to get the ingredients and took a catnap before making them. I decided that I would leave my house at 6pm since Darci's place is only 5 minutes away. I of course was still frosting cookies at 6pm and hadn't decided what to do with my hair so I didn't leave until closer to 6:30pm but at least now I could make an entrance. I decided to wear this super cute navy and white striped silk romper that I got at J.Crew Factory a few years ago and my gold jeweled Gianni Bini sandals. I put the top part of my hair up in a little ponytail to keep some of the hair out of my face so I wouldn't sweat as much and sprayed so much body splash on I was just asking mosquitoes to come and bite me. I arrived at the party and saw about 35 people in the backyard eating, mingling, and grooving to Top 40 hits but I didn't recognize a single person there until her cousin Amanda who I had gone to high school with spotted me from across the yard. I felt immediately at ease when she came over to talk to me and then Darci appeared with a pan full of meat and offered to show me around the house. Everyone there was young and attractive just like all the parties they had on The Hills. I wasn't even sure if I belonged there but I earned an invite so I was staying. She introduced me to her husband who instead of accepting my handshake embraced me in a bear hug informing me that they were hugging people. Ironically I am not. After I got the tour of the house she brought me back out to meet Kimber & Richard (who they have affectionately nicknamed Spoons) the other couple that we had planned to go bowling with and then turned me around to meet The Accountant.

There he was a tall drink of water standing at 6'7" wearing a green t-shirt, glasses, and buzzed red hair. Prior to this introduction I had only seen a very blurry picture of him so I was pleased at the tall cutie standing in front of me. We shook hands and then I bolted for the food table because I was starving. There was so much food you would have thought the entire city was invited but I limited myself to a hot dog and a couple of chips because you can't pig out in front of a guy you just met right? I had some light conversation with Kimber & Spoons while I was eating and then she suggested we get the party started by being the first to play a game so the 4 of us went out in the yard to play bags and we decided to play girls against boys. I think technically the boys won but I had a pretty good arm on me so I got in a few good attempts. Everyone at the party was watching us play and it was kind of cool to be the center of attention for a change. I suspect they even thought we were a couple (gasp). I was having fun so my nerves somewhat subsided but I was also starting to sweat and someone had just come in with shrimp so we stopped playing to get some more food. The Accountant brought me a drink (because Kimber told him to) and we continued to have a conversation on the deck. He was pretty quiet most of the time so I didn't really learn much about him that I didn't already know but he did tell me that he was shy and feeling a little awkward about the situation which I could totally relate to. I had to leave around 9pm because I had plans to go to the movies that night but I felt like it was the perfect opportunity to keep him wanting more....at least that's what they say in Cosmo.

I grabbed my purse and said goodbye to everyone and we all made tentative plans to hangout on Thursday after work. I went to shake The Accountant's hand goodbye but he went in for a hug instead because remember they are hugging people. I was pleasantly surprised by this action on his part but a little freaked out because I smelled like outside and my hair had frizzed up from the sweat so I don't know how pleasant it was for him. He is so tall that I basically hugged his stomach because I couldn't reach around his arms but it felt nice just the same. I bounced out of the party hoping and praying that a group hang was in the works because I am very interested in meeting him again. I was told afterwards that the last party guests didn't leave until 2am and most of the food went to waste but a fun time was had by all. Of course the only thing I was concerned about what whether or not The Accountant liked me. Apparently he hadn't said anything about meeting me but I'm also told that he is a man of few words when it comes to this sort of thing because they embarrassed him but he did agree to participate in the group hang so I guess I didn't scare him off completely. I'm of course now already nervous and attempting to plan what one wears when trying to attract someone while wearing hideous bowling shoes. That is a feat even this fashionista may not be able to master.

This week's obsession is not a clothing item but I'm just as head over heels for it. Chanel makes dumbbells! Of course Rachel Zoe was the one to inform me of this completely unnecessary accessory but this takes chic to a whole new level....the gym. Can you imagine actually seeing someone lifting a 2lb weight covered in quilted calfskin and take them seriously? These are actually so expensive they won't even post the price so you must call one of their boutiques directly to inquire about purchasing them. I love incorporating fashion into every aspect of my life but I don't think I can get on board with designer sport accessories. I mean don't get me wrong I make a point to look as adorable as one possibly can while sweating profusely during workout but I can't justify getting sweat on these beauties. I'm sure I will only see the likes of Jennifer Lopez using these but it's fun to know they actually exist.

The Package Tour

Last night The Sleeve and I went to a concert together. Yes this actually happened. In my defense I must explain that we made plans to go to this event over 6 months ago and at the time she was only mildly annoying but has since progressed to a level of annoyance normally reserved for teenage couples who suck face in public. The Sleeve and I only have two things in common. We are both single and we both grew up loving boy bands. Since she is now dating (as she reminds me everyday) we now only have the love of bubblegum pop music in common. She found out that the New Kids on The Block were going on tour after a long hiatus and asked if I was interested in going. The answer was simple because I never had the chance to see them in concert 25 years ago and Boys II Men and 98 degrees would be joining them so I couldn't miss this opportunity. What I didn't realize at the time was that committing to this would mean we would have to spend an uninterrupted 10 hours together but I knew it would give me enough material for a blog post.

We started out our adventure at 3:30pm since it was a nearly 2 hour trip to the concert venue. I took a nap earlier in the day to ensure I wouldn't be crabby because I expected to encounter hours of mindless chatter. The conversation on the way there went surprisingly well. I thought I would have to endure story after story about her troll of a boyfriend but she actually focused most of her time talking about her twin sister and there's always mildly interesting drama there since she hates her husband. We had planned to get a good parking space by getting there early and then walking down the street to eat at a fabulous restaurant like chic city girls while we waited for the doors to open. Things of course did not go as planned.

We got there early and did get a great parking spot but the chic dinner we had planned didn't happen. We read online that there was a plethora of eating places just a few blocks from the venue so we walked down there in the rain only to find that everything had either closed early because it was Sunday or had closed months ago and never reopened. Our last option was the Hard Rock Cafe which is known for having terrible food but at least it has a fun atmosphere. We walked over there only to find that they had a 2 hour wait and that would make us late for the show so that was also a no go. We walked back to the venue hungry and decided to just nibble on something at the concession stand when the doors opened which of course was still an hour away so we stood outside in the humid air huddled close to the door to shield us from the rain. I had to endure a play-by-play of every text that her man was sending her and the only thing that got me through the longest 60 minutes of my life was the opportunity to people watch.

Going into this I wasn't sure about the type of people I would see there because the original New Kids fans would be in their 40's now with a few outliers like myself who were probably too young to be listening to them who were just now reaching 30. They have come out with a few new albums over the past few years and with the addition of Boyz II Men and 98 degrees, I imagined that there would be people of all ages here. From simple observation I can say that I found the average New Kids fan to be middle aged, overweight, and a lover of crocs. I normally don't really notice other people's fashion sense unless it's outlandishly bad or incredibly fabulous. Most people fall somewhere in between which is were I fall most of the time but I must say that a good 80% of the concertgoers were dressed so horribly I silently wept in honor of all the tasteful pieces of clothing that would be shipped off to outlet shopping centers and die there on the rack while these people chose to stuff boobs, butts, and other body parts I don't care to see into glittery spandex and calling it cute. The other 20% was a mix consisting of chicly dressed women (and a few men who they drug in with them) and some ambitious girls dressed in Bebe and 5 inch Steve Madden heels who probably hoped to get backstage.

The concert was called The Package Tour (insert giggles here). I believe it was titled this because there were 3 formerly popular boy bands all wrapped up into one hot little package for all the fans. Of course when I first heard the title something much more inappropriate came to mind but take from that what you will. The show promptly began at 7:30pm with Boyz II Men opening the show followed by 98 Degrees who each played about a 35 minute set. Boyz II Men were great as you would imagine but 98 degrees was just ok....vocally that is. Physically they were insane! I've always felt that Nick Lachey is kind douchebag but his body is tight. Anyway, at promptly 9:00pm one of my childhood dreams finally came to fruition.

The New Kids On the Block hit the stage and for two blissful hours I was merely feet away from the very 1st love of my life Joey McIntyre. I know I'm supposed to say that my father was the first man I ever loved but he was not nearly as cute nor did he show his emotions through song like Joey. My one-sided love affair with him began when I was merely 7 years old. It was legal because he was the youngest one in the group at age 16 but it was wildly inappropriate mainly because I actually wore pajamas with his face on it. He was the cause of my first impure thought. It wasn't grossly sexual because I didn't know what sex was at the time but I knew that I wanted to kiss him and do whatever else went along with that which I was told only grownups did. I would always dream that he was singing all those songs directly to me just like I did last night at the concert only now he's 40 years old and married to a model/real estate agent with 3 kids. I tried not to think about that while I was jumping up and down like a fool belting out syrupy pop ballads and grinning from ear to ear. Let me also give Mr. Jordan Knight an honorable mention here because he has a falsetto that could rival Justin Timberlake's and he also took off his shirt while singing a Prince medley. That dude is ripped and I was grateful. I have to hand it to all 5 of them because they sang and danced on a stage that spun, spit fire, smoke, and strobe lights while rising several feet in the air at separate intervals throughout the show and they never missed a beat. If I ever meet the 40 something man of my dreams I will expect him to do this now that I know it's possible. They sang all of my favorite songs from the past and present and even had 4 different clothing changes....ultimate turn on.

We left the venue with strained voices from all the screaming we did and silly grins after being in the presence of our childhood crushes. We were able to get out of the parking garage fairly quickly because we were parked close to the exit and we were headed towards the highway while the majority of the concertgoers will still exiting the building. Unfortunately, we didn't truly get a head start because the exit we needed to take was closed. The Sleeve proceeded to try and find the right detour but only got frustrated when she couldn't and began to yell, curse, and bang the steering wheel. I always thought that she was crazy but now I had visible evidence of it. At one point it got so uncomfortable that I thought she was going to kill someone and since I was the only other person in the car I quickly realized my fate. She eventually decided to go back and go the only other way she knew which took an extra 30 minutes but at least we got to the right exit and found a McDonald's that was still open so we could finally eat. It wasn't a perfect evening but totally worth the $100 I paid for the ticket.

This week's obsession is the Amada Maxi Dress from Lily Pulitzer. I am a nut for anything nautical and this piece screams yacht chicness. If only I knew someone with a yacht that would invite me aboard I would have the perfect dress. It dips into a V-neck in the front but the big blue bow on the back is what took this dress from love to obsession. I am on the shorter side so I would probably have to have it taken up a little bit if I wanted to wear flat sandals with it but it would be worth the investment because this is a piece that can be worn for years to come. Swoon!

I Suck

Since my regular work schedule has consisted of 50 + hours a week for the past 6 months I've been feeling pretty miserable most of the time but on occasion I actually have a good day. The sun shines, the temperature is warm enough for me to wear cute sandals but not so hot I sweat ridiculously, employees and administrators take the advice I give them in a meeting at work, and my back fat is easily hidden by a dark colored cami. Yes sometimes I have a good day but then God gets wind of it and brings me back to reality. I am convinced that He must have some grand plan for my  life that requires me to be humble so he makes sure that I have a library of examples in my brain to remind me that I am human and that I suck. Here's the latest example.

As I was reading the church bulletin during service last week in an effort to stay awake during a long winded sermon, I came across a blurb about a young girl's conference that our church would be hosting this summer. The premise of the conference is for girls to recognize their inner beauty and strength and to learn how to prepare themselves for the difficulties of teen life. All women including mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, friends, and neighbors are encouraged to invite any girl ages 12 to 21 that they think could benefit from the content that will be presented. I immediately connected with this event because I grew up always feeling like I would never truly fit in just being myself and I could have truly benefited from something like this. I have also been looking for an opportunity to volunteer my time to something this summer so I thought this would be a great opportunity. I went to the volunteer informational meeting the following Tuesday after work and met a group of really great women. They were friendly, charismatic, and passionate about enriching the lives of young girls. I began to pat myself on the back for taking the initiative to join this cause, then the meeting began and I quickly discovered that I couldn't have been more out of place.

The woman who was coordinating the conference began to share a little bit about herself and how she became involved with this group. We then went around the room and everyone introduced themselves and explained what brought them to the group. One by one each woman shared how many children she had and her fears for the things in the media influencing her teenage or soon to be teenage daughters. The woman coordinating the event had 3 daughters ages 14-21, the next woman had a son and daughter ages 6 & 10, the woman sitting next to her had 5 children 4 daughters and 1 son ages 5-18, the next woman actually had 3 sons and I'm sitting there thinking what did I just walk into? I did not realize how focused this was on parents trying to connect with their children so I started to think that maybe I was not the ideal volunteer for this event. I later found that they were even having special sessions during the conference just for the mothers.

As they continued around the room to each woman and her litter of children, I quickly began to plan my escape. Was there a way I could duck out of this meeting completely unnoticed before I had to admit in front of all God's children that I have none of my own? Before I could come up with a decent escape route it was my turn to introduce myself. I told everyone my name and why I wanted to be a part of the event then the inevitable question came blaring from the other side of the room. "Do you have any kids?" I had to confess that I had no children and without skipping a beat the coordinator smiled said "Well that's alright because we need all types of people here." All the other women quickly nodded their heads in agreement and support of the childless girl in their midst. I'm still not really sure what she meant by her statement. Did they need single people? African-American people? Vain people? Wildly uncomfortable people? Lucky for them I'm all 4 wrapped up in one inadequate volunteer. As the meeting went on my ovary hung its head in shame.

When I got home that night I decided to scroll through the news feed on my Facebook page because I had not yet adequately destroyed my self-confidence for the day. I came across a photo posted on the page of a girl I knew in high school. I think it's safe to say that we were friends at the time but we haven't kept in touch. She moved to Tennessee for college, met the man of her dreams, and stayed there. They've been married for 7 years and had their 1st child a year ago. I heard through the grapevine that they were buying a new house because these are the things that married people talk to me about as if I can somehow relate. Her parents went there to help her move in and posted a picture of her new house. Actually the correct term for what was pictured is a mini mansion. I'm talking it looked like the Kardashian's starter home. It had an impeccably manicured lawn, vaulted ceilings, and a walk-in closet worthy of all my envy. I am 6 months older than she is and the only thing I own is 6 years of student loans. She lives the life of a respectable adult, the kind of life I actually imagined that I would have by now but thanks to layoffs, heartbreak, and reality I am more of a fabulous nomad still trying to figure it all out. It was in that moment that I remembered how much I suck.

This week's obsession is this fantastic polka-dot linen blazer from J.Crew. I've been completely obsessed with this jacket since it made its debut on the website about a month ago. It is currently on a promotional sale this weekend for $168 but as every savvy J.Crew shopper knows if you wait a few weeks for an additional price drop and keep your eye out for their standard additional 30% off weekend sales you can snag this beauty for at least half price and since I have already called to confirm that they are fully stocked with my size that is exactly what I will be doing.

Please also notice those cute ribbon sandals that the model is sporting. I called to inquire about the price only to find out that they had completely sold out online. I never even saw them featured (still not sure how this is possible) so obviously theses sandals were so hot they couldn't even keep them in stock. They quickly went from cute to must have. They did a store search and found them for me in one of their New York stores so I will be testing these out when little brown shorts (my UPS guy) drops them off at my front door next week. I got them 25% off which isn't great but it may seem totally worth it when I slide my feet into them.

Oh Mother

We celebrated Mother's Day recently and no one can say that I didn't do my part. Normally I take my mom out to brunch after church and gift her with whatever ridiculously inexpensive gift she asked for insisting that I not spend too much on her. This year I thought I would step things up a notch and I treated her to a weekend of shopping in the city. I booked a nice hotel room and even got tickets to the ballet. She's not a fan of the ballet particularly modern pieces but she went to appease me. After a late night watching beautiful people leap around the stage in point shoes (which I love by the way), a breakfast buffet built for champions (which it should be because it cost $13 a person) and 4 hours of shopping later she told me that she had a great time. She's a liar. I said it, my mother lied to me. There's no possible way she could have enjoyed spending 36 continuous hours with me because other than the fact that she gave birth to me, we have nothing in common.

I must admit that penchant for shopping is completely my mother's fault. I was practically raised in a mall. There was a cafeteria in our local mall that had tasty reasonably priced meals so we would go there every Thursday after my mom got off of work and picked me up from school. After dinner we would walk around the mall and window shop. Sears was her sanctuary so we would always go in there first and one of us would normally end up trying on clothes. We wouldn't always buy anything and even if we did there was a 50% chance my mother would return it because she was so indecisive. Once she became brave enough to drive on the highway we would go to the city for the day about once a month and go to one of the shopping center's there. It was our way of bonding.

Around the age of 12 I started to come into my own sense of style which was completely different than my mother's. She dressed like an old school church lady and I dressed like someone who was obsessed with The Limited Too because I was. It was then I realized how different we were. I became obsessed with Enrique Iglesias' Escape album but my mother made fun of me because she said he sounded like he was crying on his most popular song Hero. The woman couldn't even show me the Enrique love. She was attracted to men with long flowy hair and I loved preppy guys with a crew cut. (My father is bald by the way). She loves to sing in front of people I lip sync in all situations as to not embarrass myself. She despises reality TV I cannot get enough of it. She would prefer to only wear the colors black and brown and I have an aversion to wearing anything that isn't bright, bold, or a print. She has enough money in the bank to live off of for years I have enough to live off of until the end of this day. She eats ice cream even though she is lactose intolerant and I eat ice cream even though I have cellulite. Well that last one doesn't really count I guess.

We eat dinner together every Friday and after we have finished our appetizers we usually sit in silence because we have run out of things to say. Isn't that the saddest thing ever? I used to think I might be adopted and was abandoned by a Hollywood has been who wouldn't keep me because the pregnancy gave her stretchmarks and she would never forgive me. I would imagine that there was a mansion in California that was my birthright and I would get a jeep and a tight Calvin Klein dress like Cher did in Clueless but Dion was the black girl so I guess I should have dreamed of having braids and a tumultuous relationship with Donald Fasion. But alas those dreams would never come true because I very closely resemble my cousins so that theory is out.

I love my mother more than I can adequately put into words because I only now realize by watching my friends with their children how much she sacrificed for me. She's the only person I will ever trust 100% and the thought of her retiring in the next year frightens me because it is now becoming my role to take care of her. I would do anything for her but realizing that one day she won't be able to take care of herself is unsettling to say the least. She's always been so fiercely independent that I can't imangine her ever needing anyone for anything. How could the woman who always took care of everything now be forced to rely on me who takes care of nothing. The thought of having children scares me most of all because I know I'm not capable of being the mother she's been to me. My gifts lie elsewhere like being able to toast a bagel without burning down the house, finding the perfect Ralph Lauren onesie for a baby who will only be able to wear it once, sleeping through meetings with my eyes open, judging reality TV stars, the list goes on and on.

 This week's obsession is this stunning creation from Charlotte Olympia. This beauty sits up at 5 3/4 inches and is currently on sale for $733 at Neiman  Marcus. I know the word sale and the price $733 should never be spoken together unless you are talking about a brand new computer but there are women in the world that would find that to be a great deal and I hate them. I don't have any weddings on the calendar this summer to attend but if I did I would sport these babies on the dancefloor until I could no longer walk or until the other ladies got viciously jealous of my shoes whichever happened first.

Weighing In

So Rob Kardashian looks like this now and I think we need to discuss it. Like most of America I have a love hate relationship with the Kardashian family. I love watching the various versions of their reality shows and I hate myself for it. Khloe is my favorite because she's open about how often her weight fluctuates (which sadly I can relate to) and she's the only one in that family that keeps it real....well as real as you can be when you make millions of dollars because your sister made a sex tape thus making your family fascinating. I also like Kourtney and Rob because they are the only two in the family to have actually graduated from college. They still don't do anything of substance now but they did at least go to college so I respect that. Since graduating college Rob has really struggled with finding his place in the family and life in general. His father was a big time lawyer and a successful business man so he set the bar pretty high for his only son. His sisters have become a brand themselves peddling clothes, fragrances, and tell all books thanks in a large part to Kim's popularity. Rob often laments about how successful his sisters are and how difficult it is for him to carve out his own success apart from them.

He seemed a little more hopeful when he was dating that Cheetah girl and was doing an internship. After he broke up with the cheetah and moved out of the apartment they shared together he moved in with Khloe and her hubby which is where I think it all started to go downhill for him. I must say that I have no idea why he lives with his sister because that family is worth an obscene amount of money and I'm sure a small part of it could be used to by the lone male Kardashian a decent condo. Anyway, he began making regular Taco Bell runs with everyone's favorite douche bag and father to Kourtney's children Scott Disick and coming home to demolish all the treats in the pantry that were put there for Lamar's consumption. I remember a few episodes when he complained about feeling out of shape but it didn't really seem to phase him because the video games he spent all his days playing didn't pass judgement and let's face it no one holds him accountable for anything besides Khloe.

One day he woke up from what was likely his 3rd nap of the day and declared that he had discovered his passion for socks. What does that even mean? He decided that he wanted to start a line of designer socks as if this would somehow change the world. He came up with a few designs and had Khole's BFF Malika, who had always had a crush on Rob, model them while wearing nothing else. Nothing came of those promotional photos but I believe they did sleep together a few times just for the fun of it. I take it that he went back to the drawing board because several months after that episode aired, Neiman Marcus signed on to sell his line of socks which he now called Arthur George and sold for $30 a pair. Initially there was quite a buzz about this and he even did several in-store appearances (many accompanied by his sisters to ensure a good turnout) to promote his business venture. I've seen the socks and as a lover of accessories I must say that the designs aren't anything new or particularly appealing but if you put a pseudo-celebrity's name on them they don't have to be.

During all of his marginal success a rumor started that he was dating the British & brash pop starlet Rita Ora. Neither party would confirm this but several weeks later Rob began tweeting a series of nasty things about Miss Ora leading us to believe that she burned him pretty bad. He started showing up everywhere in t-shirts and sweatpants looking like a lost puppy. The E! network recently aired a Kardashian special where they sat down with Ryan Secrest, who is largely responsible for all their success, to give an intimate and honest interview about the highs and lows of success. Rob's weight was brought up of course because how could you not mention that? He said that he didn't realize how out of control things had gotten until he looked down and found that his penis looked small because of the gut that was now hovering over it. He has now started a weight loss journey and his penis is now appearing larger and larger everyday. For all of you marrieds who are envious of us single girls because you believe we're out there dating all these handsome eligible bachelor's please be reminded that Rob is one of them and then say a prayer for us.

This week's obsession is this pair of bright blue python heels created by the always amazing Brian Atwood. These beauties sit at 6.2 inches above the ground and will cost you $1200. Lucky for me the picture is free so that I can put it on my desktop and dream about one day having a job that would afford me such a ridiculous luxury. I must admit the highest heel I have in my collection is only 4.5 inches so I'm not exactly sure what would happen to me if given and extra 2 inches to walk in. Actually I'm quite sure the results would be disastrous but I am fairly certain I could stand still in them and take a fabulous picture which is all that really matters. By the way, Rachel Zoe could chase her toddler around a park in Paris in these heels which makes me feel grossly inadequate. Isn't that awful?

Painting Faces

So the big news around the office this week is that The Sleeve and one of her random Match.com dates are now Facebook official. The reason this is big news is because she has taken approximately 5 hours of each 7.5 hour workday to go to each employee's office telling them everything about their relationship in grave detail. I'm talking such detail she made a point to tell me she had to go home and wash the sheets on her bed so that she's prepared "just in case". Maybe I should have told her that whenever a man comes to your home he will always hope that is a possibility he's just waiting to gage whether or not you are going to shut him down if he casually suggests it. By the way he casually suggested that 2 weeks ago and she took the bait. Did I want to know that? Not at all but unfortunately that is part of my knowledge now and I wish I could forget it.

Anyways, she's been dating this troll for about a month now and this weekend he is taking her out of town to meet his father and step-mother. Yes I am referring to him as a troll simply because it's the first thing that came to mind after she insisted on showing me his Facebook pictures. If you saw him you would probably agree that it's a fairly accurate description for what you see. Besides, he's a troll with a good job, no baby mama drama, and a condo near the nicest park in town. I can only hope to have a troll like that myself someday.

She is very excited about this meeting because it normally means that things are getting serious when family introductions are made. He's 42 and she's 35 with a desire to have children as soon as humanly possible so she has admitted that she's okay with being on the fastrack with all of this. She seems to be in a much happier place and I am happy for her because I am a big supporter of women in the over 30 club finding love especially when society tells you it's nearly impossible (except of course for those OurTime.com commercials that makes finding love over age 50 as simple as a few clicks). My only issue with all of this is that she has finally begun to wear makeup and style her hair but only on the days that she knows she will see him. I've been working with her for about a year and a half now and ever since my first day there she has looked like a hot mess every day. We have meetings with various administrators and executives on a regular basis yet she she still comes to work with uncombed hair and not a stitch of makeup regardless.

She also wears the same 4 outfits every week. This consists of two 3/4 sleeved fitted t-shirts 1 solid color and 1 print and 2 solid color long sleeved sweaters. On Friday's she wears jeans and an oversized t-shirt with a Disney character on it. In the Spring and Summer she switches out the sweaters for an argyle cardigan and a lace camisole. It's not about the amount of clothes that she has because I believe you only need to have a few staple pieces for work but they should be professional. She has worked at Lane Bryant for 10 years and they are known for having fun and chic clothing for plus size women. She actually boasts about all of the cute clothes that she has collected from them over the years with her generous 40%-50% discounts and at this point in her weight loss journey she's wearing the smallest size they have at the store. Have I ever seen them? Unfortunately I have not. However, whenever she knows she's going out to dinner with the troll she runs over to the store to buy a new outfit just to go to Applebee's. Are you freakin' kidding me?

Why do some women save all their best stuff just to impress a man? Shouldn't you care how you present yourself to all human beings? I literally have spent hours listening to her talk about a wide range of nonsense but she never dresses up for me. The troll gets all the goods and I am offended.  I would appreciate seeing a little color on that ghostly face from time to time. The Sleeve has spent the better half of her life commiserating her single status but she walks around looking like sad sack. Now that she's met someone she can't seem to believe her good fortune. It's amazing what can happen when you slap on some concealer and a smile isn't it? Everyday I strive to do my best and that includes looking my best because I want to experience the best that life has to offer in all facets of my life. It doesn't require spending an absurd amount of time or a fortune to look pulled together when you leave your house in the morning but you should do it because you want to present your best self all the time and not just when you think someone will be watching you. Trust me someone is always watching you. It's amazing the opportunities that can present themselves when you choose to put your best out into the universe everyday and it can be something greater than meeting a random guy although that's always fun when a free meal is involved.

Sorry to disappoint you but this week's obsession is not clothing but instead I leave you with the beautiful scene pictured above. A friend of mine recently returned from a vacation to West Palm beach with her mother. They stayed at the Four Seasons there and she cannot stop singing the praises of the staff there. She says they actually cried the morning they checked out of the hotel because they didn't want to leave. It is a place where the answer to any question is "Of course we can do that!" Naturally I believe this is the life I was meant to live. I am now obsessed with my desire to go there and experience all this for myself. If I put my tax return towards the trip instead of towards a few months of student loans (who am I kidding part of it is going to a pair of Tom Ford sunglasses) I should be able to afford a few days in paradise in September. I will be calling the hotel in the morning to inquire about the average cost of a tennis lesson with one of their local pros.

31st Birthday

Please take note that I did not entitle this blog entry Happy 31st birthday because I'm not particularly happy about it but I can't stop it from happening. All the milestone birthdays I looked forward to have passed so now I'm just getting older with no real purpose. I can legally drink and rent a car. What's left? My birthday fell on a Thursday this year and there was no way in hell that I was going to spend the day at work so 3 months ago I scheduled to take Thursday  and Friday off to "celebrate" my birthday. Last year for my birthday I spent the day at the Four Seasons St. Louis Spa and had such an amazing experience I decided that this must be an annual occurrence. If you want to take measures to ensure your birthday doesn't suck you simply must take matters into your own hands. Never plan a surprise party for yourself because it will be a disaster and everyone that attends will only complain behind your back about how narcissistic you are. If you leave it up to your friends they will likely plan a random outing that turns into more of a roast than a celebration or they may completely forget about your birthday all together. I found that spending the day in seclusion works best because you'll get exactly what you want and you don't have to fake having a good time when your really miserable.

This year when I called to book my services I found that they now offered a special 3 hour birthday spa package that included a creme brulee butter cream body treatment, a 50 minute massage, and a butter cream pedicure. And yes it cost as much as you think it did but don't judge my splurge. I arrived at the spa 30 minutes early so I could wade in the relaxation pool before my treatments began. I was feeling particularly brave that day so I put on my cute little yellow skirted J. Crew bikini and covered myself in a robe. I went out into the co-ed area of the spa where the pool is located and found that it was completely empty. I couldn't ask for a better scenario. I threw off my robe and climbed into the pool where I enjoyed 30 minutes of peaceful floating in warm cucumber infused water overlooking a beautiful view of downtown St. Louis.

I put in a call to room service to request that a glass of Moscato be brought up to the spa for me just as Emily my favorite esthetician came to get me for my eyebrow wax. Confession, I was a waxing virgin until I met Emily a year ago. My pedicurist made a comment gently suggesting that my eyebrows were unruly so naturally I freaked out about it. On one of my spa trips last year I had Emily work in a lip, chin, & eyebrow wax with my European facial because I figured they probably had the best estheticians in the world there and believe me they do. She waxed those puppies into shape and I loved the way they turned out. Now I have an aversion to going to anyone else because I'm terrified that they will take too much off. Emily knows my brows so intimately! Anyways, after she tortured my eyebrows into the perfect shape she led me back out to the relaxation area where she brought me my glass of Moscato and I enjoyed every last sip. There is something so glorious about drinking at 11:30 am on a weekday. This must be what Ke$ha's life is like. While I was sipping on wine and waiting for my next treatment I checked my cellphone and found that I received a birthday text from my ex. More about that in just a moment.

Monica came exactly at noon to get me for my body treatment and massage. Monica was my masseuse the last time I came to the spa a few months back and she is easily one of the nicest people I have ever met and she is very passionate about wellness. I sent her a thank you card after my visit last time and she remembered and took the time to let me know. Not only did she make sure to bring me a special robe that said "Birthday Girl" on it, she reserved one of the couple treatment rooms for me which was a big deal because those are the best rooms in the spa. They are ridiculously spacious and even have a separate shower and seating area in the room so that you don't have to walk back through the spa and to the locker room to rinse off. After my body treatment I got to use the shower in the room which had dual shower heads on the ceiling and the sides of the wall. That shower could have easily held a family of 6 with room to spare. After a brief lounge on the super comfy couch in the seating area, I enjoyed my massage so much I actually fell asleep during it. I was then escorted to my butter cream pedicure by a lovely manicurist named Kat where I picked a pink sparkly polish (of course) and was treated to a large red velvet cupcake made especially for me. I emerged from the spa a new woman plucked, scrubbed, & completely refreshed. Those people really know how to pamper a girl on her birthday.

So back to the text from hell. The text itself seemed very sincere on the surface but let's face it anything that can open up the wound of rejection must have been sent from Satan himself. The text said "For some reason the song Man Like That by Gin Wigmore makes me think of U, LOL! Happy Birthday". I acknowledged that I like that song and said thank you. To that he replied "I'm sure you will have a great day of awesomeness. Thanks for never disappointing :)" I was too busy having a fabulous day of relaxation that I didn't even register what he said so naturally I waited until the next day to really dissect his text messages. If you've never heard this song it's basically a woman educating her ex's new plaything about all the shady things he will likely end up doing to her. I believe he's reminded of me when he hears this song because I was known in our group of friends as the one who would dole out sensible man advice to co-workers who were married to or in love with douchebags. The guy I hooked up with last night at the bar hasn't called me back what should I do? Stop being a slut. I found sexy texts on my husbands phone and he comes home smelling like Victoria's Secret Heaven. Is he cheating on me? Yes. Please note those are actual questions I've been asked by women desperate not to be alone. He knows I wouldn't settle for that mess so I guess I haven't disappointed him but the fact that I was ever with him is a major disappointment to me. Receiving any text from the ex just makes things worse and brings me back to that dark place I existed in for months after the breakup. I wish I could tell you that 2 years later I don't ever feel that way when I think about him now but that would be a complete lie. I feel like I should be getting better with this as more time passes but I'm still very much a work in progress.

This week's obsession are the items pictured above that I purchased for myself during a short excursion to J.Crew after my trip to the spa. The polk-a-dot tee was a must have because it includes two of my favorite obsessions things with polk-a-dots and things that are pink. The pink long-sleeved tee is a closet staple that I somehow didn't have. The skirt is a gorgeous lavender piece from their collection line and it has tiny circles on it. There's so much I can do with this I don't even know where to begin. The blue striped infinity scarf was 50% off and I wear scarves pretty much everyday so that was a no brainer. Finally my favorite purchase was the neon pink leather ballet flats. I tried to get these last year but they sold out the second they went on sale. They came out with a slightly different pink color this year and I snatched them up for 35% off so I was pleased. All in all not a bad day.

Easter Sunday

Well friends another Easter has come and gone and an abundance of nougat filled chocolate eggs will soon be half price for the taking. I myself just purchased a surplus of Peeps. I am always fascinated at how religious people seem to get this time of year. People who are normally hungover til 3 in the afternoon on Sundays are surprisingly up bright and bushy tailed at the sunrise service. Those who normally only speak God's name with a dammit after it spend hours preparing the perfect Passover meal. Now don't get me wrong I'm not judging anyone for drinking or cursing because I am one who enjoys a glass of wine every now and again and I have been known to utter an F-bomb once or twice a month under my breath. I mean I work in Human Resources so that's kind of expected no?

Anyways I have a friend who was raised in a very religious Catholic family and married a Jewish man a few years ago. Neither one of them are particularly religious now as adults so they didn't make any plans to go to church with either family since they don't attend church with any regularity. I could understand that. I know that each family has an Easter tradition so showing up for church on Easter and Christmas to appease an ailing grandmother or persistent father is part of the game that some of us have to play to keep the peace. I'm not at all suggesting that those who go to church regularly are super spiritual or better than anyone else. There are people I know who are in a pew everytime the church doors are open but they are horrible human beings. I'm just saying that it's amusing to sit back and watch the show in a packed sanctuary that normally has an abundance of open seats on Sunday morning.

No one is perfect and you will never hear me claim to be. I do consider myself a Christian and for me that means following a very simple rule that is extremely difficult to do sometimes. For my people we believe that Jesus died on a cross and rose from the dead on this day as a symbol of God's unconditional love and forgiveness. I know it sounds a little far fetched and even a little like voodoo magic or something but that's the story. Since He did that for us we are also supposed to show the same kind of love and compassion to others regardless of how they treat us or what they believe. I'm not a Bible scholar and this blog is meant to be fun so I'm not going to change the regular subject matter away from fashion and vanity but I just made some observations that I felt like blogging about.

This week's obsession hardly needs an introduction. Jenna Lyon's J.Crew Creative Director & my fashion role model took the time to give us a 2 minute look at her coveted shoe collection. Above is a snapshot from a short video she took talking about where she gets the inspiration for J. Crew collections. Isn't this beautiful? It's like candy for the feet. I actually own one pair that is shown and it makes me feel like a real fashionista. They of course are far too nice to actually wear outdoors so really that just makes me a fool for buying them but they look great as I prance around my room in them.

The Real World

Occasionally MTV creates a show so addicting that it causes people neglect their jobs, children, spouses, and even personal hygiene just so they don't miss a minute of the action. Most recently they've had this success with the 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom franchise and of course who could forget Snooki & friends on the Jersey Shore. All of these fantastically salacious shows would never have come to be if it were not for the 1st reality series that paved the way for party animals, pregnant teens, and Kardashians everywhere, The Real World. The series started in 1992 and the world has never been the same. They started out in New York with 7 strangers and used the same formula for each season but put the cast in a different city and each season was better than the last.....well at least for the first 10 seasons because let's face it it's been pretty sub par ever since. I don't care to remember how much of my teens & 20's I've wasted watching endless reruns of this show but I was reminded of those special times of laziness when MTV blessed me with a marathon of past Real World season's this weekend.

The funny thing about the Real World is that it bears no resemblance to reality at all. I do believe that they first few seasons were pretty real because they hadn't done it before. They made sure every race, gender, socioeconomic status, and sexual orientation was properly represented and then they turned on the cameras to see how things would play out. The first few seasons challenged people's political and religious beliefs and even broke some racial barriers. The show has since turned into a 8 week audition for VH-1's Celebrity Rehab (another show that was amazingly delicious for the 1st season and then just sad after that). Now that people know they type of characters they like to cast and the fame that can come from it, people are actually making a career out of becoming reality tv stars which takes the "realness" out of the show but you know I still watch it religiously.

Regardless of how ridiculous the show has become it has served up some great moments in reality tv history. There was of course Tami who had her mouth wired shut in order to lose weight and then was drug through the house by a towel screaming sexual harassment. She's now an ex-basketball wife proving their is life after the Real World. Ruthie left her mark on the franchise by being the first admitting alcoholic. I believe Trishelle blessed us with our first Real World pregnancy scare after hooking up with Steven sans condoms. Flora and Melissa from the Miami season...enough said. And my all time favorite the slap heard round the world when Steven slaps Irene across the face for calling him gay. Seattle was one of my favorite seasons because David dated Kira the casting director who also happened to be African-American and she gave up her job just to be with him. That was of course a foolish decision on her part but I loved seeing interracial couples on television. I also loved that season because Janet made smoking look really cool. If you really want to know London was my favorite because it had Jay Frank and I was in love with his sensitivity and general ambivalence. I was 13 don't judge me.

I must admit that a part of me would have loved to have some type of Real World experience in my 20's. When I lay in bed at night fearful of becoming my mother, it would be nice to have a memory of spending a summer in a tricked out house with 6 gorgeous roommates pretending to work for a food stipend, and making a series of bad decisions while drinking grey goose straight out of the bottle. Sure it may cause a problem if any future potential employers were to google me before deciding to extend a hire offer but maybe it would afford me free appetizers at Chili's if someone on the waitstaff were to remember me.

This week's obsession are these beautiful satin cap toe pumps from J.Crew. These scream adult girliness to me so naturally I had to have them. I will admit that I originally purchased them at only 15% off out of fear that they would sell out. It turns out that the size I ordered was too snug so I return them and when I went to order the next size up I found that they had been marked down 25% and then I got an additional 30% off of that price because they were running a promotion. I believe that was God letting me know that I needed them. These beauties are sitting in my closet patiently awaiting a proper spring day so that they can be seen in all their glory.

 

Self talk

There are pros and cons to being single and contrary to popular belief I try to spend most of my time focusing on the positives. Chelsea Handler reminded me of one of the positives during her recent interview with Oprah Winfrey. She was reminded of a conversation she had with a group of her girlfriends around a swimming pool and all of them had children except for her. While thinking about that day she commented on how nice it was to relax by the pool and not have to keep an eye out for drowning babies. I felt very much the same way this morning.

I ventured out to get a pair of boots on sale that I had been stalking for a few months and much to my surprise they were on clearance with an additional 25% off making a pair of $180 boots only $39.99. My excitement could not be contained. I am still on the search for an Easter dress so I thought I would try my luck at Von Maur to see if I would have the same ridiculous success that I did with the boots. They had a wonderful selection of new dresses for Spring and a helpful staff willing to schmooze me into buying something fabulous so I was in a pretty great mood. Then I entered the dressing room and was greeted by a screaming infant a few rooms away. I am always annoyed by this because really who loves hearing a crying child but I was more grateful that I wasn't the parent who had to deal with the noise. I never realize how freeing it is to shop childless until I see a mother with a stroller, a baby bag, a purse, and a handful of clothing options try to navigate her way through a department store.

While I was attempting to tune out little miss cries a lot, I couldn't help but overhear the woman in the next room talking about her upcoming wedding. She was getting married in May and brought her mother and soon to be mother-in-law to the store to try on dresses for the wedding. Her mother had spotted a gorgeous $400 dress on the sale rack for $150 while looking for herself and insisted her daughter try it on. She spent 20 minutes trying to decide whether or not she was going to actually wear it until her mother suggested she wear it to her bridal shower or the rehearsal dinner. The thing is her mother was buying it for her either way so I say bag it up and go on about your day. Anytime your parents offer to pay for something frivolous let them do it before they come to their senses and change their minds.

 While they were fussing over her designer gown and gushing about her groom, I stood there looking at myself in the mirror and feeling so insecure you could have written an after school special about me. I had on a great dress but all I could think in that moment was that I was ringless and manless and that girl out there had the dress, the ring, and the man. I promised myself I would stop letting these thoughts get to me but per usual I let my mind wander that way. I decided that the fabulous dresses I tried on made my waist look big so I put them back and ran off to find solace in the shoe department. No sooner than I picked up an adorable Nine West pump I was accosted by a woman who had just returned from her honeymoon in Paris and was buying a pair of Steve Madden shoes at full-price which one should never do. She was regaling the sales associate with tales of their amazing trip and I knew I had reached my breaking point. There was a time when I would run home and spend the rest of the day listening to Adele and crying in self pity but surprisingly I've gotten better about it. This time I went to Mrs. Field's Cookies, purchased two shamrock themed cookies, and ate them both in under 5 minutes flat. I know that's not much better than self-loathing through tears but it did make me feel better.

The road to confidence has been a long and difficult journey for me and today I was reminded that I still have a ways to go but I think the fact that I was able to acknowledge my ridiculous self talk is a step in the right direction. I just need to be able to replace the negative self talk with something outrageously narcissistic because a simple "Just do you girl" isn't going to cut it at this point. The next time someone asks me if I'm married I should shoot back at them "No, but I'm so amazing I'm considering marrying myself. If I did would you come to the wedding and buy me a gift?" That's a completely insane thing to say but it's a fun character for me to create and I believe my self-esteem would rise simply out of my creativity.

This week's obsession is this amazing peplum number called the Lowe dress brought to us by the esteemed Lilly Pulitzer. As you know I had trouble tracking down my size in that fabulous striped Eliza J dress so this is my runner up for an Easter dress. It is more expensive than the other dress but it's definitely a one of a kind. I have to order it so I need to make a decision within the next 3 days whether or not I'm going to buy it. If I do I hope it fits because I will not have time to exchange it and at this point I don't have a back up plan.

Online Hating

Last Monday morning The Sleeve came rushing into my office to fill me in on the juicy details of her weekend. Friday night she joined Match.com and subsequently spent Saturday and Sunday night chatting away with 3 different guys. She even landed a date with one of them for the following Friday night. She of course spent at least an hour in my office every day last week telling me about their conversations, dreaming about her possible futures with each one of them, and fretting about what to wear on her date. I indulged her because I could tell she was excited and it seemed like the neighborly thing to do. I was a supportive as an annoyed co-worker could be until she uttered those dreaded words, "Hey you should join Match and find you a man too!" I playfully stared her down and replied that I wasn't at a place where I was ready to try online dating because let's face it for me online dating is just an electronic form of rejection.

The truth is I'm not sure that I am at a place where I'm ready to start dating again after the debacle that was my last relationship and unbeknown to her I have already tried online dating and failed miserably. I have literally tried every popular online dating site there is and have horror stories for each so I no longer view online dating as a viable option for me. It would probably take about 10 different blog posts for me to adequately tell you about each failed attempt so today I will entertain you with one of my favorite online dating failures because it introduced me to sushi.

In an effort to allow him to remain anonymous, because he may have reached a point in his life where he would stumble across my blog post in a drunken google search, I will refer to him as YP because I met him through Yahoo Personals. YP was a recent law school graduate who had moved to the area from the East coast. He had taken a job working with the families of terminally ill patients to help them sort out their wills, DNR wishes, etc. It was very interesting to hear him talk about his work and he was very passionate about it which I loved. We also shared an affection for quotes from the tv show The Office which I think is actually what made him fall in love with me.....well fall in love with our webchats and phone conversations. To keep it casual our first meeting was at a Starbucks. On his profile he said that he was 5' 4" which is my exact height and he was not lying. I wore ballet flats in an effort not to tower over him in a pair of my fabulous heels but upon seeing him in person I discovered he wasn't just your average short guy. I have reason to believe that he was an actual little person who had had that limb lengthening surgery only he didn't have it done on his arms because they looked like they still belonged to someone who was about 3' 4". It was then I realized that I would be sentenced to a life of adorable flats so I wouldn't be taller than my date. I know I shouldn't think this way but I'm vain enough to admit that I did.

We had a few more casual outings that went well and he even took me to dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in town where I was exposed to sushi for the first time in my life. On our next hangout (because apparently in today's dating world you hang you don't date) he invited me over to his apartment. It was a tiny one bedroom with a mattress, a futon, a loaf of stale bread, and a psychotic cat. We cuddled up together on the futon to watch some obscure sitcom he loved that only came on WGN late at night and it was then that he inquired about my sexual comfort level. Actually he said and I quote "I have a healthy sexual appetite and I view it as an important part of a relationship." I found this statement very interesting because up to that point he never even tried to kiss me and after that pricey sushi meal he fed me I would have been more than willing. Intellectually I think we were a good match but I was definitely not ready to get physical. Not surprisingly a week later when I tried to open up to him to see if this "relationship" was going anywhere he said he was no longer interested in pursuing me in that way but that we could still be friends. By friends he meant that he would call me 4 months later and invite me to see the new Indiana Jones movie (which totally sucked by the way) and go dutch. Chivalry at its best! Needless to say we never spoke after that but my love for sushi lives on and I have him to thank for that.

This week's obsession is this striped maxi dress by Felicity & Coco. I've always been a supporter of a great maxi dress or skirt because it looks great on all body types, it's uber comfortable, and easy to throw on to look chic while running errands or grabbing outdoor seating for lunch with the girls. I really fell in love with the criss cross back that gives this dress a little something extra. I'm pretty sure I have to have it to take me into the Spring/Summer season but at least I know I will likely wear it every day.