If Every Kiss Begins with Kay, I'm Screwed

Christmas for the single gal can be almost as difficult as Valentine's Day. On a daily basis my TV is filled with jewelry store commercials reminding me of the ring or diamonds I won't be getting, Hallmark movie plots where the hardworking single gal/single mom gets the gorgeous doctor/toy maker/Santa impersonator in the end, and clothing ads for sparkly dresses meant for New Year's Eve when the midnight kiss I've always dreamed of is planted on another lucky girl. It seems to get harder to face as I've gotten older. I used to be hopeful that one year my Christmas experience would be different and I would have someone special to share it with. For two years I had someone to buy gifts for and I was excited and went overboard. The 1st year he didn't get me anything besides a thank you for my generosity then the second year he got me a blender and a lotion set from  The Body Shop whose scent he thought I would like. I actually did want a blender so I could make smoothies so I can't claim that he was clueless because he listened to me. I got him cashmere lined leather gloves, a gift set of Justin Timberlake's new cologne (which make him uncharacteristically excited), and some Nike workout gear. I had nailed it. I got him everything he loved but never knew he wanted. I am known for my thoughtful and impeccable gift giving skills and I am sure he expected nothing less. It was fun at the time, but now the sting of knowing that he never truly cared about me ruins those memories....that and knowing that he probably still wears those gloves and claims to forget who gave them to him.

It is very easy to sink into a deep depression as I look around and see all the young happy families excited and preparing for Christmas as I struggle to put up my Charlie Brown artifical tree by myself but then I was reminded that there are plenty of people who aren't in a happy family or who don't expect to get anything for Christmas. Last year my mother invited a woman into her home for Christmas named Marie. She is a developmentally disabled adult but is able to work and live on her own. She is a member of our church and the friends that she would usually spend the holiday with were out of town and my mother knew that she would be alone otherwise. After service that Christmas morning, we invited her to have brunch with us at Ihop which was the only restaurant open. They were short staffed so it took awhile for us to get our food but it didn't matter because we were in good company. We had great conversation over brunch then we invited her back to my parents' home to open gifts and watch a few Christmas shows. After the gifts had been opened, we took her to the movie theatre to see the new Muppet's movie as it is our tradition to go to the movies after opening gifts and we had a great time enjoying the movie over soda and popcorn. When we dropped her off at her apartment I wondered what her day would have been like had we not invited her to spend Christmas with us. I doubt that she was worried about getting an expensive gift from a cute guy or would even complain because her favorite pie wasn't served during Christmas dinner. She was just happy that someone included her in their holiday celebration.

After being convicted over my feelings of sadness, I decided to spend all of my energy pouting into giving back to my community. I signed up to buy gifts for the special needs adults at my church. They all live in various group homes in town but one of our faitful church members goes out every Sunday morning to pick them up and bring them to church. As I looked through the cards of items they were requesting I found that they were all things that they needed and not just frivolous items they wanted. I also saw that the Hope School was collecting gifts for their children. This school is for disabled children that offers educational and residential services. Some families just leave their kids there and I'm sure they wouldn't receive any gifts otherwise. I took a couple of cards and was humbled by the fact that they were asking for such simple things. One wanted a coat, the other wanted a football, and another a Kidz Bop CD. When I was their age I'm pretty sure I asked for an entire Barbie village including a car, a mansion, and 3 or 4 different Barbies. I felt good getting those gifts but then I went to work and found that there were 3 different charities that out department would be donating things too. For a second, I selfishly thought to myself "Geez how charitable do I need to be" but I knew that I could afford to give more so I signed up to bring items for those charities as well. Much like the Grinch, I think my heart grew 3 times that day and I appreciate all the little things so much more. I wasn't present when the individuals received the gifts but I have an overwhelming sense of peace that they were very appreciated.

Not surprisingly, in the midst of all my shopping for others in need, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. Christmas day has come and gone yet again without a man but I survived it and got some generously loaded gift cards to some of my favorite restaurants so I really can't complain. Besides, anything that I truly wanted I gifted myself whenever a 40% off sale popped up in my inbox. The first picture above is of me in a J. Crew tartan mini skirt which does have matching shoes that were too expensive for my budget but still sold out so I am currently stalking the website to see if they happen to get a pair in my size back in stock when they go on sale. The little nifty heart sweater was a factory store find a week before Thanksgiving and I paired it with a purple blazer I snatched up at half-price after all my discounts. All my favorite stores have already started sending out their Spring catalogues so now I have to decide if I should save my money for that or attack the end of season sales now. I suppose if I had a man he would frown upon such a "dilemma" and I would never hear the end of it so I will appreciate my single status simply for that fact.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I am in a daily battle with my self-esteem and this week was quite a struggle. I must say that I feel pretty good about myself until I leave my house. I haven't yet mastered the art of maintaining confidence in myself when faced with a beautiful woman. I guess I should start out by saying that my current celebrity obsession is supermodel Chrissy Tiegen pictured above. Isn't she stunning? I see hundreds of beautiful women every month as I flip through some of my favorite fashion magazines but Chrissy stands out from all of them. At first I knew her as the delicious arm candy of one of my favorite artists John Legend but then I began to follow her on Twitter and found that she's more than just a pretty face. She's charitable, intelligent, a gourmet chef in training, and has an amazing sense of humor. She's self-deprecating which I can appreciate but it's hard to believe that someone who looks like that could ever look at her own reflection and not smile. I imagine that everyone has some insecurity. Chrissy was on Fashion Police and invited Joan Rivers into her West Coast home that she shares with John. As they were going through her amazing walk-in closet she tried on some bikinis from her swimsuit line, as models do, and she complained that she wished her legs were longer.

Some would say that I have nothing to complain about since I'm not overweight or completely unfortunate looking but that certainly won't keep me from whining. I've always felt that my eyes are too big although they always tell me that's a good thing whenever I visit a makeup counter. I carry a pocket of fat around my kneecaps and I carry all my weight in my hips & thighs so it's nearly impossible for me to carry off that long leg look when I wear skirts. To top it all off I have flat feet a wonderful trait I inherited from my father so although I'm only 5'5" I wear a size 9 1/2 and people always stare at my feet in horror (which plays into my foot phobia) when I wear flip flops so I only do so when getting a pedicure. While I have spent most of the summer worshipping at the altar of Ms. Tiegen I seemed to have forgotten that she is human which means that she may do something that I don't agree with. As the days to the election drew closer she began to make a series of disparaging tweets badmouthing the candidate she wasn't voting for and anyone who was planning on voting for him. I could have found it somewhat humorous except for the fact that I'm fairly sure she wasn't joking. It really came off as childish and close-minded which is unfortunate because I thought she was so cool. I personally didn't make any public statements about who I was voting for because I feel it's more important to promote exercising your right to vote and staying informed about what is going on in our government. I don't have a problem with people talking politics and being passionate about it. Quite frankly I didn't think that either candidate was stellar but I am always open to hearing other people's views because I always learn something. I also have never voted along party lines so there are normally things I like about both candidates but I did choose the one I felt would do the best for our country. Needless to say as beautiful I still believe Chrissy is I can't say that I still wish I were her which is probably a good thing. Oh please who am I kidding? She could have written in a vote for Satan and I would still die to be her. Please negate everything I just said. I will forgive and completely forget. I am full on obsessed with her once again. Damn you Chrissy.

Unfortunately for me there are still plenty of non-celebrities that I look up to for all the wrong reasons. For example, I was in Von Maur the other day buying this fabulous Nine West dress (pictured below) that was originally priced at $129 but I was snagging it up for $27 and the girl in front of me at the checkout counter was taking a long time. Normally I don't mind waiting in line for a little while to get a great deal but I was a little irritable that day because I was hungry and really wanted to get out of there and get a frosted covered calorie-laden cookie at Mrs. Fields. The girl turned around to apologize for the time she was taking but I could hardly be mad at her because she was a vision. She was 5'4" and barely tipped the scales at 98lbs. She had long flowing blonde hair, perfectly tanned skin, liquid leather leggings, brand new Tory Burch flats with a matching clutch, and a blinged out I-phone. Her problem was that she had picked out a sparkly netted tunic top almost identical to the one she was wearing and there was a snag in the fabric so she wanted the sales associate to see if they had another in her size that she could buy instead. Since she was paying full price for this item I too would have wanted the same thing. I told her it was fine but in my head I was thinking "Anyone who looks like that doesn't have to apologize for anything". I of course felt like I was dressed like a homeless person in comparison to her when in reality I had on a very chic casual Saturday shopping outfit that other patrons in the store actually complimented me on. She looked cute and so did I. There doesn't have to be a winner but unfortunately as women we have a habit of competing on everything instead of supporting and celebrating each other. I won't lie a part of me still wishes I looked like Chrissy Tiegen or Miss Tory Burch but I need to accept the fact that I never will but also realize that it's ok to look like the best version of myself because that's who God created me to be.

Auditing My Life

This week we had auditors come to our office to perform their biennial audit of our HR department. 6 months ago I was selected as the unfortunate individual who would coordinate these 3 days of hell. At the time I thought that they chose me because I had proven myself to be trustworthy and capable of such a large undertaking. Preparing for a departmental audit takes several months of preparation as they request record of all 1300 of our employees including a large sampling of position descriptions, personnel files, and a list of employees to interview while they are at our office. I had help gathering all of this information from other members of our team because they all deal with different areas of our organization and only they would know where to find what I needed. I must say it was difficult scheduling time to meet with each person to go over my list and pull the information because we are already stretched pretty thin but literally the day before all of the pre-audit information was due I got everything together and sent it in.

I was feeling pretty good about myself because I had completed half the battle and then 3 days before the auditors were to arrive I sat in a meeting with my supervisor, one of our assistant directors, and our executive director to go over the audit schedule and discuss any topics we thought the auditors might want to discuss while they were here. Towards the end of the meeting our executive director thanked me for putting everything together noting that they have had someone different take on this task each time because everyone hates doing it. So yet again I was assigned a task I thought was important only to find out that I was told to do it because no one else wanted to.

Initially her comment really took the wind out of my sails because I worked really hard to organize all that crap but then I realized, since I would be escorting the auditors around I would literally be the face of our department and I wanted to leave a positive impression. Regardless of how little everyone else cared I put together 3 killer outfits that I felt made me look equal parts professional and fashionable and I became the hostess with the most-est. I ordered them lunch from their favorite restaurant, I answered all their questions, I escorted them all over campus, sat in on their meetings to take notes, I even got the opportunity to schmooze with them in between meetings and I think they actually enjoyed my company. They gave their initial results yesterday and everything came back outstanding and they even publicly thanked me for having everything so organized. Afterwards my supervisor actually thanked me for a job well done and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief that it was over.

Unfortunately as soon as that all ended I had to go into the office for 3 hours on a Saturday morning to begin to prepare for my co-worker to take a 6-8 week medical leave. She is having the gastric sleeve procedure and has not been at all shy about talking about it to anyone who will listen. About 4 months ago her physician recommend that she have it done otherwise she wouldn't be able to have a baby in the future. Since I only believe about 20% of what I hear I'm not at all sure that this is a true statement but she's already scheduled the surgery so let the weight loss and subsequent baby making begin. For the purposes of this blog I will refer to her as The Sleeve. The Sleeve is a 35 year old singleton who has been slaving away at our company for nearly 8 years and although she has an active social life, a close knit family including a twin sister, and owns her own home all she's ever wanted is a husband and a baby. I have my own beliefs as to why that hasn't happened yet but I do hope that she is able to have all her heart desires I just hope she doesn't tie the success of her man search to the weight loss because it really does go deeper than that.

As I was preparing for my office audit I started to think about auditing my own life. Lately I've noticed certain habits of mine that are not helping me become one with my authentic self. For example, every Friday night I watch Say Yes to the Dress with my mom. The show itself is rather entertaining as it follows brides to be around lavish bridal salons as they search for the dress of their dreams. As with any reality show involving women all types of drama ensues either spotlighting a bridezilla wanting to spend twice her budget or family members and friends making the day about themselves with inappropriate comments. I started to realize that after the show ended I would feel depressed. I was able to pinpoint my feelings to the part where they show pictures of the women with their fiances looking happy and in love and at the end of the episode when they found the dress. You could see the triumph in their faces. It was almost as if their expression was saying "I did it! I found my prince and when I walk down the aisle I am going to be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen". As I watch each woman some very young and a few considerably older reach that level of success a little voice in my head whispers "That will never happen to you" and I actually believe it. I haven't watched the show for the past two weeks because of this and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Is it foolish that I let a scripted reality show get the best of me or is it wise for me to turn off the "noise" that clouds my brain with negative thoughts?

Blessed Trinity

Yesterday I returned from a 4 day trip to Minnesota to visit Sarah a dear college friend of mine. Our friendship is very important to me because she's one of the few people from college who I've been able to maintain a close relationship with over the years. I have been planning to go up there to see her ever since her wedding 5 years ago but for no real reason except that I never made the time to go I never did. Since this was the Summer of Stephanie I knew I had to finally make the trip to honor my vow of living my life with no regrets. She has since had 2 little girls and is currently hosting a fetus to be born this December. I must admit I was a little nervous to go because it had been quite awhile since I last saw her and I wasn't sure how to navigate the new dynamics of our relationship. I truly enjoyed every moment of my visit and I couldn't have asked for a better hostess. Nothing made me feel more inadequate than witnessing her preparing a home cooked meal every night and having the privilege of joining her husband and children at the dinner table something that my family only does on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

It also made me realize the amount of work that it takes to raise a family and in reality I am not at all close to being ready to take on that challenge. She would be up with the girls at 6am while sending her husband off to work. Then in no particular order would manage breakfast, bath time, clean up, snacks, outside playtime, dinner prep, lunch time, story time, nap time, more cleaning, another snack, diaper changes, vacuuming, and somehow a long enough break to catch half an episode of What Not to Wear. Not once did she ask me for help and she didn't miss a beat. The most heartwarming part was seeing what took place when her husband got home from work. The second he walked through the door the girls ran to him and he embraced them with the biggest smile you've ever seen. He would put his stuff down and go right outside to play with them until dinner was ready. He would do the same thing after dinner and then put the girls to bed. I couldn't help but think how blessed these young girls were to have a consistent male figure in their lives treat them this way. Now they will grow up knowing how other men should treat them because their father set that example early on. Every girl should have this and I am so glad to know that Sarah found a man that encompasses these qualities and that men like this still exist.

The highlight of my trip had to be the time I got to spend with Sarah's daughters who are ages 1 and 3. The 1 year old Moriah is still learning words so we didn't say a lot to each other but her adorable smile spoke volumes and she seemed to be enamored with my jewelry so we got along just fine. She warmed up to me after about 2 days and reached out to let me hold her. Nothing gives you baby fever more than holding a cute child who appears to like you but once they start drooling on you nothing kills the fantasy faster. Her 3 year old Trinity is in fact a princess in training. She doesn't like to be dirty, she loves to dress up, she loves makeup, and she loves pop music. I must say I haven't found anyone who I have this much in common with in a very long time. Before my arrival Sarah showed her a picture of me to prepare her for my visit I imagine and she said I looked like princess Tiana from Disney's the Princess and the Frog. That is by far the greatest compliment I've ever been given. I only wish I had a crown to wear to make the fantasy complete. Since her birth I've been sending princess dresses to her because I wanted to do something nice for Sarah's girls and because I felt like it was my duty as a fashionista to pass on the tradition. When I came she remembered to thank me for the dresses and even tried to put one of them on. A child is never too young to form his or her own sense of style right?

We went to a Greek festival downtown and she won a blow up guitar by playing some of the kid games they had. When we got home that night Sarah put on some fun music to distract Trinity while she and her husband put the youngest to bed. Trinity invited me to jam with her so I took the ukulele that Moriah got at the festival had and we rocked out to the musical stylings of Taylor Swift, Gym Class Heroes, and the Wanted just to name a few. I can't remember the last time I felt so free. I taught her to whip her hair around and jump up and down just like rock stars do. I'm sure Sarah will thank me for that later. For the first time in a long time I didn't care what anyone thought because I was having fun. I could hear Sarah and her husband behind me and I'm sure they thought I looked like a complete idiot playing a toy instrument and sweating to a James Brown level but Trinity thought I was the coolest girl she had ever met and that made me feel like a rock star. Unfortunately we were only able to have one more jam session the next morning before I left for the airport but I can only hope that she will remember everything I taught her. She still has to find another guitar player, a drummer, and a rapper all on her own to complete the band but I have no doubt she'll come through. Before I left I gave her a few pieces of clothing that I picked up at Crewcuts at the Mall of America including a green shift dress in the spirit of princess Tiana.

Spending time with a child really makes you appreciate life. Trinity is so eager to learn and open to people that she finds intriguing. She doesn't know what prejudice is and she loves with no fear. What if I could learn to live my life with that same level of freedom? I am still very unsure of whether or not I'm mommy material but I did learn during this visit that I still have a place in the life of this very special child even though I'm not a parent, an aunt, a cousin, or a guardian. I'm Stephanie the cool ambiguously older lady who sends fun dresses, wears pretty makeup, and loves to jam to all the latest pop songs and I would be honored to continue to do so if she will have me. I don't have to be any thinner, richer, or be attached to the hottest guy in town just being me is enough to her and that is such an amazing feeling.

This week's pictures feature the apology dinner outfit that I had planned to wear when my ex finally invited me out to dinner to apologize for they way he treated me during the course of our relationship. He not surprisingly has still never called to invite me out as he promised to do this summer but I couldn't let this outfit or these shoes go to waste so I wore them this morning. The skirt and tank are from Ann Taylor Loft, the cardigan is J.Crew, and the shoes are Gianni Binni that I picked up at 40% off at Dillards. My only regret is that he'll never see how good I looked which would have made the apologize that much sweeter.

The White Party

In an effort to try something new I attended my first White Party 2 weeks ago. I was invited by a friend of my mother's from work. Her boyfriend was a part of an alumni group from his college fraternity and every summer they have a White Party to honor the handful of students they award scholarships to. I agreed to go thinking I would be able to find a simple white dress to wear as I don't own anything completely white because I love color and because I am deathly afraid of spilling something on it. I ordered what looked online to be a cute dress but when I got it the day before the party and tried it on I found that it looked atrocious on me. I started to panic and actually tried to get out of going all together. Angie the woman I was going to the party with said that she had already bought a dress that morning at the mall and we had previously paid for our tickets so it would have been really sucky of me not to go. I went out to Macy's and surprisingly found a simple and cute Calvin Klein dress pictured above. It was only on sale for 20% off so I paid more than I would have liked to but I was stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new so I figured it was worth it.

The party started at 7pm but in an effort to be fashionably late Angie and I agreed to show up at 9pm. I'm glad we did because the party consisted of a room full of 100 people sitting and listening to an R&B cover band for 3 hours followed by listening to a horrible DJ for the next 2 hours. It was exciting to be starting my night at 9pm because I am usually already in bed with my chic nerd glasses on watching whatever movie I found to be remotely interesting from my weekly trip to Redbox. Everyone was dressed to the nines in their all-white ensembles sitting at various tables chatting and nibbling on hors d'oeuvres. Angie knew practically everyone there but since I knew no one else I stayed pretty close to her the entire night. She introduced me to a few people including her boyfriend who served as the mcee for the evening. The only person I care to remember was a very fine specimen by the name of Marcus. He had on an all-white suit coupled with a very bored expression on his face. He had been there since 7pm and was ready to go home. He was nice to me though and engaged me in a brief casual conversation. He sat next to me on and off during the evening and I of course clammed up and didn't get any details on his relationship status or try to flirt with him fearing rejection. Angie got up and danced a few times as she was asked to dance by many of the most attractive guys there. I must mention that Angie was looking much hotter than I was in a strapless number with sky high heels and long beautiful earrings. Anyways, I am glad that I went because I got to meet some new people but I didn't take advantage of the situation as well as I should have.

In an unrealted incident, I went to a dollshow yesterday with my mom. She has been collecting Barbie and fashion dolls for about 15 years and I will ocassionally go to dollshows with her to give her some company. On our latest adventure we found a fabulous retro Barbie with a chic black & white stripped swimsuit and cute heels. They had both a Caucasian and African-American version of the doll and they were identical but the white doll cost $58 and the black doll cost $54. This $4 difference really hit me. I know the amount is small but I couldn't help but wonder why this was. My guess is that the white doll is in higher demand so they priced it higher but I feel there is some symbolism there for me because I've always felt like less when compared to my caucasian counterparts. I grew up going to a private Christian school which only had roughly 5% minorities and I can't even count the number of times I was passed over for a date by one of the other girls in my class. I have since been able to identify how much that has effected my self esteem over time but it's still something I struggle with. The thing is there should be no comparison within or outside of a race because we are all different and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but in our society it still happens. Who is the thinnest? Who is the richest? Who is the happiest? Who is the most beautiful person? All of these questions when answered would make the majority of the human race feel like less than and that's terrible. Does this anger anyone else?

You Lookin' at Me?

So a strange thing happened yesterday. I went to Sam's Club with my mom to buy some gum. I am a little obsessed with Orbit White bubblegum and I chew it so frequently I find it's more economical to buy it in bulk. So I walk up to the checkout counter with my 240 piece container of gum and I notice that the cashier who was a cute 20 something male seemed to be giving me a few extra side glances. At first I thought he had some kind of issue with his eyes that I should pretend not to notice but then it dawned on me that he may be trying to check me out. After we paid for our items he looked directly at me with a smile and said "You ladies have a nice day!" I said thank you and went on my merry little way. It may have all been in my head but a part of me wants to believe that he might have actually found me attractive. Perhaps he was in fact checking me out and I should have flirted with him while he was ringing me up but since that has never happened to me I don't think that's something I naturally would have done.

I wonder what it's like for girls who have this sort of thing happen to them all the time. You know the one's I'm talking about. We all have at least one friend that always gets hit on when they are out in public. The 1st person that comes to mind for me is my friend Sarah. We met at work a few years ago and our friendship actually began because of our mutual love for fashion. She's a very beautiful woman with an insanely toned body due to her daily commitment to Crossfit. Guys hit on her all the time and I know she is used to it because she so easily banters back and forth with them. She has her pick of the litter so to speak so I imagine that it's fun for her but to me it's a foreign concept. Honestly the fact that I smiled back at the guy and said thank you was a big step for me. My self-esteem took a pretty big blow after the breakup so it's taken me awhile to even get up the nerve to meet new people in general. Two years ago I had no problem going out with my girlfriends and striking up a conversation with a cute stranger but now I find that I have to force myself to try and do that and it's rather frightening. I'm not sure how I can get back to a place where I'm comfortable with myself or maybe I'm now just realizing that I've never really been all that comfortable with being just me.

By the way, I was not wearing the outfit pictured above when I was out shopping at Sam's club. That is a Maggie London dress that I got on an awesome clearance at Von Maur a few weeks ago. It was originally $148 and I scored it for $35. Very exciting day for me that was. The shoes are a pair of 4 inch stacked colorblock heels that I got at Nine West last spring on a random 40% off sale that they happened to be having one weekend. One woman commented that she didn't know how I could walk in those heels. They are pretty comfortable because the heel is stacked but to be honest I do have to concentrate a little extra when walking in them because one wobbly step could mean a grave disaster. They are super cute though right?

Starvation Island

Today at work I became a woman that I never thought I would be. Our Assistant Director ordered pizza for our team for lunch as she does every other month in an effort to show her appreciation for our hard work. I normally bring my lunch containing some healthy, tiny, flavorless snacks in an effort to keep my weight in check but on these days I never bring my lunch since I know I will be treated to pizza. I normally partake of two healthy slices and enjoy conversation with my co-workers but today I avoided the break room at all costs. Ever since the first day of Summer I have become increasingly aware of my cellulite and all other body flaws. I have been dreaming of the lazy summer day I could spend poolside with a book and some fabulous sunnies on my face but alas my insecurity has kept me from all bodies of water since I was 18 years old. Everytime I attempt to try on a swimsuit my inner dialogue, which can at times sound alot like a bitchy high school girl, swarms my head. What will other's think of my big butt? Do normal people have this much cellulite? Will people think that I'm really an 11 year old boy with long hair because my chest is so flat?

As I spent my summer sweating it out fully clothed I came across this fabulous swimsuit pictured above in my J.Crew catalog. I have been obsessing over it most of the summer swearing that I loved it so much I would actually wear it in public if only it would go on sale. Well two days ago it did go on sale and I ordered it online in hopes to make all my summer dreams come true. Enter pizza Thursday. Now that I have the swimsuit in the back of my mind food seems to be less important as I anticipate my feelings about trying the suit on when it actually comes. As I sat there staring at 4 boxes of delicious pizza I could feel my thighs trying to burst out of my cropped pants. I decided to go and have a slice because it would have been rude not to have any since she went through the trouble of ordering it. I took the smallest slice of cheese I have ever seen Papa John's serve and sat there eating it bite after tiny bite savoring every morsel. As I watched my thinner counterparts reach for a second and third slice I sat there quietly with my hands in my lap hoping to get full off the scent of it. They tried to offer me more and I told them my teeth were hurting so I couldn't handle another piece and to my amazement they actually believed me. Truth is I did go to the dentist earlier and my teeth were still a little sore from the cleaning but not nearly enough to keep me from eating.

As the words left my mouth I realized what I had just done. I became that girl. The girl who lies about what she eats. The girl who deprives herself of what she really wants to try and meet some unrealistic goal. I could have had a second slice of pizza and easily had worked it off during my workout the next morning. I could have had a bigger piece and the world wouldn't have ended but I didn't allow myself to and I spent the rest of the afternoon hungry. How ridiculous is that? I know that I will never look like the model in the swimsuit because she is probably 6ft tall and was blessed with long legs. I am not fat by any means but I have struggled with my weight since I was a chubby little kid and I still carry most of my weight in my hip & thigh area which I've come to accept as a family curse but my beautiful cousin Jennifer who was blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with the same hips & thighs has embraced it and met and married a wonderful guy 15 years ago who loves her curves. Clearly he loves them because they have 4 children.

I have accepted that no matter how much I work out or how much more weight I loose I will still have bigger thighs although there are still times when I look at Olsen twin doppelgangers and dream of having long skinny legs. In an effort to reward myself for surviving my self imposed deprivation tomorrow I will eat my favorite pasta and even may throw in some ice cream afterwards to celebrate me. If I get up the courage to try the swimsuit on when I get it I'll let you know. Here is a picture of me in a cute Banana Republic dress I got on a random 40% sale a few months ago. I like it because of the colors of course and because it covers my lovely (cellulitey) thighs.

All Dressed up & Nowhere to Go

I dug into my wardrobe archives last Sunday and wore my Samba dress from J.Crew's 2007 Summer collection (pictured above). This is one of my favorite pieces because of it's bright colors and simplicity plus it looks pretty fierce when I spin around in it as the skirt is a little over the top in volume. To be perfectly honest this was the first time I actually wore this dress. I brought it 5 years ago in anticipation of all the invites I would get during wedding season but I never ended up wearing it because I was waiting for an event that I thought would be worthy of it and the weddings I had gone to required very casual dress. When I dug it out of my closet I decided that I had waited long enough and wore it to church on an average Sunday morning. I felt great and wore it to church largely unnoticed throughout the service until I went to leave and stepped out into the parking lot. A woman stopped me and said "That's a beautiful dress! I hope you're on your way somewhere where people will see you in it." I graciously said thank you for the compliment but to her & my dismay I was not on my way anywhere. Actually when I left there I went to Panera as I do on most Sundays to get lunch and I didn't even get out of the car because my feet were hurting from my heels so I utilized the drive-thru. As I was sitting there waiting for my food I realized that it is rare that I am ever going anywhere where I am meeting up with someone or a group of people that would realistically warrant dressing up for and it made me a little sad.

Ever since I graduated with my Master's 4 years ago I have tried to update my wardrobe in a way that shows I'm still relatively young and fun but should be taken seriously. I never know when a new opportunity may come my way (or I may run into someone from my past who used to treat me like crap) so I try to dress my best whenever I leave my house. Rachel Zoe has a saying on her website "Be Glamorous Everyday" and that's a motto I like to live by simply for the fact that it makes me feel good. I like dressing professionally for work because it makes me feel important and I think I work better when I dress the part. I like dressing up or dressing cleverly stylish for lunch or dinner with friends because I think it's fun. It's rare that I get invited anywhere so there's been a lot of times when I'm fabulously dressed at a table for one. We mainly only have chain restaurants here where people dress so casually at times you would think they had just gotten out of bed but I like to treat dinner like an event. Imagine my excitement when I get to dine in the city at a bistro or some chic downtown sushi bar. I usually get stares or judgmental glares when I dress up to go out in town because I imagine they think I look ridiculous or overdressed but when I go to the city I usually garner a few compliments from the women there and for once I feel like I belong.

I am also guilty of buying date approved outfits although I am not dating nor have been on a date in about a year and a half. I brought a super cute outfit for the apology date that I expected to be going on with my ex but I'm fairly certain that will never take place so now it has been hanging in my closet for 3 months. I know I should just wear it anyways but it kinda reminds me of what will never be which quite frankly just sucks. I will give him credit though, when we did go out on dates he would acknowledge that I was dressed nice although I'm pretty sure it was to feed his own ego to let me know that I was worthy enough to be on his arm for the evening. I shouldn't be seeking approval from anyone else with the way I dress and I do dress the way that makes me feel my best but it would be nice to have that someone special in my life to dress for. I'm not sure that men take notice of me because I try not to make eye contact as it makes me nervous but I'd like to think that every now and then they think "Hey that girl's got it going on". Ok, I don't think people say things like that anymore but you know what I mean.

The Next Best Thing

I had the pleasure and honor of meeting New York Times best selling chick-lit author Jennifer Weiner this weekend. She recently released her 10th novel called The Next Best Thing and has been on a book tour for the past 3 weeks promoting it. I didn't really know who she was until about a year ago when I noticed that a lot of people were retweeting her tweets commenting on the reality TV show The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I have been a fan of this franchise since the very 1st season aired while I was in college. I never understood the appeal of Twitter until I found that fans of the show loved to partake in live tweeting of the show while it was on. At first I just read the comments but then I started to get in on the action by tweeting comments of my own and I found it to be equal parts addicting and fun. I love the challenge of trying to be humorous in 140 characters or less and surprisingly I was making online friendships through this social medium with people I never would have met otherwise. Jennifer's hilarious comments would always pop up in my twitter feed as retweeted by some of my best tweeters so I decided I had to start following her.

I quickly learned that she was an author living in Philadelphia with two daughters and a lover of social justice. Her books are about women in all stages of life going through real life struggles and their stories of how they deal and overcome it. After reading the synopsis of some of her books I knew that they were the kind of books I would love but never made the time to read them until now. I was so excited about the release of her new book that I pre-ordered it on Amazon and waited patiently by my mailbox until it came. While waiting for my book to arrive I saw that she had been tweeting about her upcoming book tour and was encouraging her fans to come out and meet her. I went to her website and was excited to find that she would be coming to St. Louis my playground which is not too far of a drive from my home. I was hesitant at first to go because I've never been to a book signing and I hadn't been a lifelong fan of hers like some of the others I'd expected to see there but then I remembered that this was my summer of adventure so I made plans to go. I was excited all week deciding what to wear and calling the store to see what time all the festivities would begin.

Saturday morning came and I wore the outfit pictured above. I am wearing J. Crew from head to toe including the pearl necklace. I know it's a little over the top but I love it and the book signing was at Saks Fifth Avenue so I thought it would be perfect to wear to a casual summertime event there. I got to Saks and was greeted by Suzanne at the Chanel counter who helped me replenish my makeup supply and recommended a great new blush as my favorite color from Clinique had recently been discontinued. She also made a point to tell me how great she thought my outfit was which is exactly what I needed to hear because I was so nervous about how I looked. I wanted to look chic when I met Jennifer.

 I was there an hour early because I wanted to make sure to get a close seat but they hadn't even set up everything yet so I browsed Burberry's new fall collection as if I could actually afford any of it until they were ready for the fans. I signed in as they were taking donations for a great cause called Connections to Success that help unemployed underprivileged men and women obtain professional clothing to help them on their job search. They also had a beverage bar, cupcakes, and sharply dressed caterers serving California rolls, meat & cheese trays, & some other type of fancy crab hours d'oeuvres. I was seated in the 3rd row amongst other Jennifer fans and i must say it was the best dressed group of bookworms I have ever met in my life. I loved being among women from all walks of life and all shapes and sizes who were there because they related to her books and wanted to say thank you for giving us a voice.

Jennifer walked out just as if she was a regular person shopping in the store, said hello, and started signing books. I got so starstruck & giddy I didn't even stand up when they announced that she would do some pre-signing before she spoke. The line filled up very quickly but I stayed seated because they said she would sign more books after she spoke. I was pleased to find that she was willing to take pictures with everyone and even took a few moments to speak with each person that came up to meet her. When each person approached her she would exclaim "Hi!" just as if she was seeing an old friend for the first time after years apart and she was excited to see them. She even stopped signing for a moment to track down the woman serving cupcakes who she affectionately called "cupcake lady" to get 2 highly decorative chocolate cupcakes and eat them while meeting fans. Clearly a woman after my own heart.

After the first round of fans had their books signed, Jennifer spent about 45 minutes talking about the inspiration for her books, her experience being in Hollywood when one of her books became a movie & the TV sitcom she created, and also what inspired her to become an author in the first place. She also took several questions from the audience and gave real honest answers to each one. I was pleased to find that all of her books have been born from real life experiences that she had. She wrote her very first book after being dumped by her boyfriend who was kind of like Satan after 3 years together and she spent several months trying to move on from it. She decided to create a character much like herself going through exactly what she was going through but the character gets the respect and the guy in the end which they never show happening to average girls in the movies or on TV. I loved how open and honest she was about herself. She has her flaws, triumphs, failures, & successes but she stays true to herself and keeps learning as she goes.

After she spoke she sat down to sign more books & I was 3rd in line behind a woman who had already met her before the reading but cut in line because she just had to ask Jennifer what her thoughts were about the Tom Cruise Katie Holmes divorce said her husband whom she asked to tell those of us waiting so we wouldn't pounce on her. As a side note Jennifer believes they had a contract and that the marriage was never meant to last longer than 5 years and I wholeheartedly agree with that. Anyways, I gave my phone to the lady behind me who agreed to take my photo and I went up to meet Jennifer. She greeted me with the same enthusiastic hi that she did all those who came before me and she asked my name. I had planned to tell her that I followed her bachelor/bachelorette tweets and then fell in love with her books and surprisingly I actually managed to tell her that without sounding like a buffoon. She said thank you and then asked me who I thought the bachelorette was going to pick in the end and we both agreed that we liked Arie better but that she seemed to like Jef more. The kind stranger snapped my picture and I said thank you and with a smile I scurried off to get a cupcake & view my first "celebrity" photo. Before I got too far away she yelled out to me saying that she loved my purse. Being the fashionista that I am admiring my clothing or accesories is the highest compliment anyone can give me and coming from her it meant the world to me. I turned around with the biggest grin on my face and cried out "Oh my goodness thank you!" and went to retrieve my giant decorative cupcake which was delicious by the way.

Our meeting was brief but so meaningful. Jen was so relateable and was so open with her advice for aspiring authors. She has pages of advice on her website which I have read and kept in mind but the one thing she said during the event was that the difference between an author and someone who wants to be an author is the fact that the author actually writes a book and is persistent with getting it published. For the first time I believed that it is doable and that even I could really do it. I don't have a book written but I have been writing different things here and there all my life. Right now it's kind of a dream of mine as I don't know if I'm really meant to do that with my life but as I sit here looking at her book and seeing her signature I can't help but think how good it would feel to have something I had written and labored over in hardback with my name on the cover. I wonder what it feels like for her to see hundreds of copies of her books clenched in the hands of her fans as she takes each one and signs it knowing how excited it makes them. I certainly wouldn't write hoping to be famous because I like leading a relatively private existence but I love relating to people and knowing that even one person read something that I wrote and connected to it and felt like they could do something positive in their life because of it would mean the world to me because that's what so many books have done for me.

Spaddiction

Hello, my name is Stephanie and I'm addicted to pampering. As you know I went to the spa at the Four Seasons back in April to celebrate my 30th birthday. I have been keeping in the loop of all the events happening there as they maintain a very active Facebook page and I came across a spa promotion that they were having for the month of June. You could get 3 spa treatments for half the price if you booked the services Monday-Thursday. Things at work had reached a level of stress that I could no longer comprehend so you didn't have to beg me to take a day off work.

I jetted out of town early last Wednesday morning to head to my sanctuary. Unfortunately I got stuck in some traffic once I reached the city which put me nearly 30 minutes behind schedule but still 20 minutes early for my first appointment. I was scheduled to have my first treatment at 9am but I had planned on getting there at 8:15am so I could spend approximately 20 minutes soaking in the whirlpool then 10 minutes relaxing in the sauna followed by 15 minutes thumbing through Vogue magazine in the relaxation room while waiting for my masseuse to come retrieve me. I have yet to reach a level of comfort with my body that allows me to appear in a swimsuit in front of other people so I always book the first appointment of the day knowing it is highly unlikely that anyone else will be there an hour before services are even rendered so I can enjoy the whirlpool without judgement from other spa ladies. I know this sounds ridiculous but this is how my mind works. While I was pulling up to the hotel all I could think about was the fact that I would now only have 10 minutes to soak in the whirlpool which would put a damper on my pampering plans but all that changed when a handsome bellhop came to open my car door.

"Good morning and welcome to the Four Seasons! What brings you in today?" cried the bellhop. As he helped me out of my car I told him I was here to go to the spa and he told me I would have a wonderful time which I knew to be true. I walked into the glass doors past some businessmen and women rushing off to some big meeting I imagine since they can afford to spend the night at the Four Seasons while on business while I was going upstairs to forget all about work. A very chic looking woman checked me in, verified the services I had scheduled, then showed me to the locker room. I quickly changed into my swimsuit so I could savor my 10 minutes of soaking in the whirlpool and thankfully no one was in there. After my time was up I got out of the pool and draped myself in a towel only to find two other spa patrons coming through the pool area. I smiled at them but I could feel the look of panic on my face. I was completely covered but my shoulders were most certainly exposed. Gasp! I'm pretty sure they didn't notice a thing so I stowed away my wet suit, put on the giant robe the receptionist left for me, and walked to the relaxation room where Nancy was waiting to whisk me away for a massage.

Nancy my masseuse for the day was great. Last time I was there I had Robyn who was amazing and I actually saw her on my way to the massage room with Nancy and I started to wonder if my experience would be as pleasant and it definitely was. I had a 30 minute massage and for my second treatment she spent another 30 minutes applying a body polish to my entire body which was very sticky and gritty but it was clearing away all the dirt in my pores and any other general yuckiness that tends to cling onto the skin. She then walked me back to the showers so I could rinse off and I emerged a bright and shiny new woman! Next up was my facial. A bubbly curly-haired woman named Emily came out to take me back for my facial. She had me disrobe and get comfy under the very high thread count sheets that covered the bed. I had never had a facial before so this was a real treat. She started with letting some steam engulf my face and had lavender aroma filling the air. She then applied two different concoctions to my face. She told me what they were and how they were good for my skin but I honestly can't remember because I was so relaxed. After she was finished she allowed me to stay in the room as long as I wanted so I could continue to relax.

I didn't stay too long because I was starving and wanted to see what lunch specials they were serving for the day. I fixed myself up in the locker room and went up to the next floor where the hotel restaurant and bar was located. Note the executive chef is from Italy and I had read countless reviews of how good the food is there. They offered $15 lunch specials during the week so I was enjoying quite the reduced price fancy experience. They have a beautiful rooftop terrace overlooking the pool but I opted to stay inside since it was very hot that day. The waitress who looked like a supermodel sat me right by the window so I could look out onto the terrace at all the sunbathing beauties who were being spritzed with Evian water. I'm not kidding the waitstaff at the pool actually spritz you with Evian water if requested in addition to bringing you any beverage you could imagine & a special menu of appetizers. I really regret not going out there now.

My server was handsome, smiley, and very attentive. I had the soup of the day which was a delicious onion soup served with bread and some type of delicious oil concoction for dipping. Then I chose the Cobb salad as my entree which included grilled chicken, diced eggs, spinach, tomatoes, avocado, feta cheese, & yogurt-limoncello dressing. It was by far the best Cobb salad I've ever had in my life. I'm not a world traveler so no I haven't tasted several Cobb salads; however, this one was amaze! To finish off my meal cute server guy brought over a tray of tiny desserts that are made fresh everyday and only offered during the lunch hour. Apparently offer a different selection of desserts everyday so I was excited to see an offering of strawberry semifreddo, tiramisu, lemon cake, and cheesecake. I honestly wanted to take all four but I appeared the gracious patron and took only the cheesecake. It was delectable!

I left my sanctuary feeling completely refreshed and retrieved my car from the valet who gave me excellent directions of how to get completely around all the construction on the highway that was causing the traffic. Another remarkable experience at the Four Seasons. Yes it is pricey and no I certainly cannot afford to go there as much as I would like but it is worth every single penny I spent. I love the diversity of people who go there. I saw men in Prada suits and families casually dressed having lunch. Everyone I have come in contact with that works there is so friendly and all have interesting personalities. When I'm there I feel like the person I've always wanted to be. Respected, chic, adventurous....unfortunately I am now addicted to spas which really puts a cramp in my fabulous shoe fund.

Shower Season

Summer is officially upon us which means we are well into Wedding & Baby shower season and for the last 10 years of my life I have failed to be immune to it. For some reason this year I have only been invited to one baby shower & one wedding shower so that must mean that nearly everyone I know has finally been married off and started a family. I'm happy for them but celebrating other people lives can get very expensive. I can't help but think that if I added up all the receipts from the past 10 years of gifts, ceremonies, & travel that I've spent celebrating other people's life events it would probably equal enough money to treat myself to a very nice 3 week vacation in Hawaii plus a small shopping spree at Neiman Marcus.

Yesterday I drove 90 miles to celebrate the impending birth of one Lord Bryson with his mother Lacey who became a friend of mine 3 years ago while working at a health insurance company. Lacey is a bubbly sorority girl who was born & raised in a town of about 1800 people. She moved back there after college then met & married a tall freckled face army boy named Brett. They have been trying to have a baby for the past 2 years and after a few failed in-vitro attempts they finally became pregnant and couldn't be happier. I promised her I would come to the shower several months ago when she asked for my address to invite me but as the date grew closer I got a little worried because I knew I would have to face a group of people that I haven't seen in almost a year & my ex still lives there.

I spent 3 and a half years at the insurance company which is really 3 years longer than I should have stayed there and my time there was largely negative. A lot of people there were pretty mean to me not because of anything I said or did but simply for the fact that I was the new girl in town with goals and I didn't engage in petty office drama. I never really fit in with the exception of a few people there who were kind to me and Lacey was one of those individuals. She was always positive and liked to have fun so we got along very well. In fact our friendship actually began because the ex invited her out one Saturday with our little group and we were the only ones who chose to spend the night out on the dancefloor. We requested all the same songs from the DJ and spent the whole night laughing and dancing. We exchanged numbers and the rest as they say is history.

Anyways, her shower was quite the event  as I expected it would be. She is having a boy so everything was blue and adorable. Her husband was there also so they spent the first hour going around to each table to greet everyone while they rest of us sat and mingled. I showed up right on time at 2pm and said a small prayer before I entered the hall hoping that the Lord would give me the strength to make small talk for at least 2 hours. I dropped my gift off at the gift table and spotted a group of girls from my former job. Rachel one of the girls who had been kind to me was there so I said hello to her and was invited to sit town with everyone. I did get a few curious looks at first but surprisingly they all engaged me in friendly conversation. When I resigned from that job I told very few people that I was leaving so I'm sure the rumor mill swirled rather rapidly when they all realized I had left. They did have a lot of questions about where I went what happened but they seemed sincerely interested in what I was doing now. Everything was going great until the mother-to-be stopped by our table for a visit.

Lacey singled me out of the group which was to be expected because she speaks to the other women everyday and she hadn't seen me in about 3 months. I made the usual pregnancy small talk "How are you feeling?" "Are you excited?" "Did you decide to let the baby sleep in a cage?" you know the staple questions and then very loudly in front of everyone she announced that her husband had a guy she wanted me to meet. It's true I would love to meet a good man to date and share my life with but no one wants me to find love more than Lacey. I don't think I've ever given off a desperate vibe as it is rare I ever speak about men at all when I spend time with my friends but she has been on the lookout to find me someone ever since she met me. Apparently Brett has an army friend who is tall, muscly, rides a Harley, and goes by some kind of ridiculous nickname like Python or something. He doesn't sound at all like someone I would be interested in but she said he was cute & single so I guess that's the only important criteria for a 30 something single woman.

It was embarrassing to say the least as I was sitting at a table with 4 other women who had all seemed to find men willing to marry & impregnate them all on their own when they were in there 20's. I must mention that Michelle was sitting at our table who is also in her 30's and single and I think was slightly offended that no man was offered to her. If I'm ever given Python's number I will simply slide it over to her for a good time. Lacey spent about 5 minutes trying to sell him to me and even dragged poor Brett into this mess as he struggled to give me any details about him that I may find interesting. Luckily she dropped it and moved on to the next table. We spent the next two hours eating and watching her open gifts. In my opinion my gift was of course the best because I didn't get her anything practical. She is a big planner so I knew she already had everything she really needed because she had been stocking up on supplies since she was 8 weeks along. I got the baby an Adidas track suit with a matching t-shirt.

After I left the shower I met up with another friendly face Jana & her teenage daughter who I had also worked with and we spent nearly 2 hours catching up. It is so nice to sit and visit with genuine people who you can be open with. I really miss having that in my life on a daily basis. As I drove through the town to go back home my mind was flooded with memories of the dreaded ex. Some places brought back memories of happier times when we were on good terms but there were still several places that brought me to tears remembering the things he said and did that broke my heart. He knew that I was going to be in town and has said that he wanted to see me in person to give me a proper apology. He couldn't even find 10 minutes out of his day to come meet me somewhere and say what he wanted to say which shows me just how little I mean to him. The drive home was pretty depressing as I sat there thinking about that but today is a new day and I have to continue to try and move on which is harder some days than others. Top & skirt are from J.Crew, shoes are Gianni Bini, & jewelry are from Banana Republic.

Aha!

Yesterday I had as Oprah would call it an aha moment. A moment when you are able to look at something from a different point a view or in a new light and you can finally say to yourself " I get it now." I was sitting at my desk at work processing paperwork and listen to sirius radio. I had it on the Pulse station and they play current pop & adult contemporary hits and I was singing to myself and grooving in my chair and it hit me, the reason my ex broke up with me was not my fault. During the breakup I kept going over in my head everything that happened trying to find a reason why he didn't want to be with me. I really believed it somehow had to be my fault because I put so much pressure on myself to make it work when in reality we both had to participate in the relationship to keep it alive.

I had always been the positive one. When he had a crappy day I was the one who would listen to his gripes and try to think of clever ways to cheer him up like giving him a back rub or suggesting a trip to Dairy Queen for a sweet treat. Coincidentally sweet treats always make me feel better. I could always think of a way to put a positive spin on the situation & alot of times he would brush it off but sometimes he would listen and actually agree to my logical thinking. Yep I'm smart.

I was the one who remembered every birthday & milestone and made sure to commemorate the day somehow. Every father's day I got him a card to celebrate the day with his sons, I made special treats every Valentine's Day, and on Christmas I made sure we had our own private celebration which of course involved me getting him three too many gifts tailored to his every wish. I've always been good at picking out the gift that fits the person's personality and style yet pulls at their heartstrings just enough to show them that I really care about them. He always knew that he could count on me and I know he took comfort in that because I was always the first person he called when something happened in his life big or small.

He never was one to dance when we went out but I was always the first one out on the dancefloor. In our relationship I was always the one who would freely share my feelings but he would always clam up and what fun is that when you can't be open with someone? Just knowing that I was so open and fun with him shows me that I am capable of being that way again with someone special. I always used to scoff at people who say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but maybe they're right. I took a chance and fell for someone who at one time was open to the adventure of love and although he later changed his mind I found that I was capable of being good in a relationship. I did everything I could and that's all I needed to do.

I'm also glad that I discovered that maintaining a happy and health relationship with someone is hard work. I miss the companionship but it's nice to be able to focus on my personal growth and making sure that my emotional needs are met. It's definitely important to focus on those things when you are in a relationship but you don't always have time to do that as you have to make yourself available to the needs of someone else and it's easy to get lost in that role because I certainly did. I guess I could also look at things in another light completely and just say, "Girl you really dodged a bullet there" cause I totally did. Oh, dress is by Banana Republic shoes are Antonio Melani.

Style Master

On April 22nd of this year I received what I considered the greatest fashion compliment of my life. I wore the ensemble pictured above to church. I styled this outfit myself so naturally I had to document it & post it on my Facebook page. I received a few comments complimenting my ensemble but one definitely stood out from the others. There was a girl from my high school, let's call her "A" (very Pretty Little Liars of me huh?), who was the queen bee of us all. She was tall, thin, beautiful, popular, had wealthy parents, & I wanted to be her with all my heart & soul. I had the "privilege" of becoming one of her accessory friends which was an acceptable consolation prize at the time as I was the chubby sarcastic girl hangin' in the corner. The accessory friends got invited to hangout whenever she wanted the attention of more than 10 people at once, she was on a 24 hour boyfriend hiatus, or if she was having a party & invited the entire student body.

She had her clique of girls but God help you if you weren't in it because she could be quite the mean girl. I longed to be accepted by her and even when I saw her around town when I came home from college on summer break I would be just as enamored with her. I sent her a very expensive bouquet of flowers once because I had heard she was dealing with some difficult family matters. She never once said thank you but like a fool I continued to show my allegiance to her. She of course married well, had 3 beautiful little children, & maintained her queen status even in adulthood. Although I am older now and found acceptance & success outside of her presence, I still took great care to stand tall when passing her in the hallway at church because I always revert to that nerdy teenage girl every time I see her.

She bestowed upon me the honor of accepting my Facebook friend request which really only meant that I could torture myself by looking at hundreds of pictures featuring her perfect life. She has only commented on two or three of my posts in the two years that we have been Facebook buddies and those were actually comments I had tweeted about the reality show The Bachelor. I can't blame her for that because my comments are rather witty & probably more entertaining than the show itself (or so I'm told by one of my college professors who also enjoys them, yes that is very strange). Then came April 22nd. I received a notification that someone new had commented on my post so I pulled up my little page and I saw a comment from "A". The comment she left read "Seriously you are a style master! I'm totally jealous!" I couldn't believe it. To have someone of her caliber give me a compliment like that made me feel like I could conquer the world....well the fashion world in a small Midwestern town.

Ironically enough, just 3 weeks after the epic comment I found out that she had decided to leave our congregation over a series of petty issues that were originally the petty issues of her closest friends. They had all gone to a new church across town and took pleasure in posting passive aggressive comments every Sunday about wonderful everyone was there and that they were so glad to be a part of an accepting community. A very close friend of mine left our congregation a few months prior but she & her family left quietly & never spoke an ill word about anyone & quite honestly they would have been well in their right to do so given the circumstances. They also knew that it would not have been fair as the issue only concerned a few people and leaving was truly one of the most difficult decisions she has ever made. They found a new church home that is a great fit for their family but that was only after several months of trying out different ones in the area. "A" tried out two churches which both were occupied by the petty friends. She then shared how glad she was to have found a new church home after an entire 2 weeks of searching. She too now shares how much better her new church is along with the others. It was in that moment that I realized how shallow she remains to be. I am glad to have finally accepted this fact after 15 years of wasting my energy trying to impress her but unfortunately it has tainted the compliment.

Lucky for me I know that I am still pretty fashionable even if I have to say so myself which I generally do. Now I am waiting for a truly epic compliment which I now believe should come from the J.Crew goddess herself Jenna Lyons. She is the president & creative director of the company and lives in New York so I'm not exactly sure how I would just happen to bump into her & get such a compliment. Hmmm....pricing flights to New York as we speak & dreaming big.....

Growing Pains

Graduation season is upon us and it always reminds me of my graduation ceremonies. It's so exciting because you are finally done with classes so you feel like you can finally breathe again but it can also be very nerve racking because you're not completely sure of what awaits you out in the big world. You go through so many changes after high school. You lose contact with friends that you thought you would have forever but form intimately close bonds in college with people you just met. Then you leave college and go out into the workforce where you meet even more new people and learn the harsh realities of life like rent, insurance, backstabbers, & glass ceilings. For some reason I thought I would get all of my changing & learning out of the way in my 20's but the truth is I feel more lost now than I ever have.

I've finally come to terms with the fact that my life is nothing like I thought it would be at age 30 but I'm having trouble discovering where I want it to be. Since most of my friends are either married and/or have children I'm having a hard time finding where I fit in. I finally went to that singles group that I was invited to at church. It's a group of 7 career women who are also single. They are very nice and I was pleasantly surprised that they weren't a group of desperate women all crying about their singledom like other groups that I have visited in the past. They are funny, educated, and sincere but they have been a group for quite awhile now. They were very welcoming but being the newcomer is difficult because they are all very close and their lives are very intertwined. They meet twice a month and I've gone twice so far but I still feel awkward. I'm not really sure why I'm surprised by that because I feel uncomfortable in any situation that takes place outside of my room. I have recently discovered that I get a weird feeling in my stomach when I meet new people. You only have one chance to make a first impression & I try so hard to present myself as a chic positive person that I can't even enjoy the interaction. I still struggle being comfortable in my own skin and I'm not exactly sure how to completely surrender that.

Things at work are still going well. I passed my 6 month probationary period and my supervisors tell me I'm doing well. Unfortunately I still don't have any real responsibility but I'm learning a lot and the experience is so valuable to my career. Somedays I get depressed wondering when I'm going to have a real career. For example yesterday I spent the entire day scanning documents and filing while others got to go into meetings making big financial decisions for our organization. On the surface I know my job is important. I gather information that our directors need to make those big important decisions so they rely on me to get things right but I can't help wondering how neat it must feel to go into those meetings with the bigwigs wearing a nice suit and making 6 figures a year. I understand that most of them have several years of experience so I guess it just comes with time. My goal now is to make a good impression with the small stuff in hopes to get a really good recommendation from them when I'm ready to move on and work elsewhere.

Moving is the other thing I've been thinking about. This town was great to grow-up in but as I have evolved I'm finding that it doesn't meet my city girl dreams. Maybe moving away and starting fresh somewhere else would be a good thing for me. Being here only reminds me of failed dreams and desires and there isn't alot of opportunity for advancement. That would be a big step for me. The last time I moved it was to a town much smaller than this and it was easily the worst decision of my adult life. But I can say that I have at least learned from those mistakes so I hope that in moving away will make it easier for me not to look back.

Oh and to make things worse the ex has been in contact with me again. A month ago he promised to come here and take me out for an apology dinner. He was finally going to say to my face all the things that he supposedly wished he had said when we were still together. We were supposed to meet up one weekend in May. Well guess what, here we are the last weekend in May and he has made no plans to meet me. I like a fool actually believed him. I hadn't heard from him in about 3 weeks and then last Friday he texted me to chat as if we were old buddies. He of course didn't acknowledge the promise he broke or pretend to make plans to see me. He at one point did give up some random excuse for not speaking to me for the last few weeks which of course I don't believe and all it did was upset me all over again so I've been moping around for a week thinking about all the pain he caused and realizing that the wounds have not healed. I wanted my apology so I could move on with my life but I'll have to find a way to do it without it.

What hurts the most is that after all he put me through he didn't even think that I was worth a real apology. As you'll remember he texted me an apology 2 months ago but if he was sincere in being honest with me he would have at least called me on the phone. If he really wanted to see me to make things right nothing would have stopped him from coming here. After much self reflection over the past year I now know the only reason I became involved with him in the first place was because I didn't know my worth. I didn't realize that I deserved so much more than he was ever willing to give me and it is now painfully clear that he never will either. As I continue to evolve into whatever woman it is that I'm meant to be I'm finding that the process is just as painful as it was in college. I worried about making friends and making the right choices to invest in my future and I'm still worried about those same exact things now.

Sad stories aside, I have decided to spend my summer doing things outside of my comfort zone. I already have two trips planned to see some college girlfriends of mine. I realized that the last time I saw one of them was easily 7 years ago and that it much too long. As great as Facebook is, it cannot substitute human interaction and seeing them may bring me the joy that I've been searching for. I also hope to go to restaurants I've kept telling myself I want to try but have never gone inside. I want to try new workout methods and read some new books that I've been hearing about. I will continue to go to the singles group and get to know the ladies and hopefully do some networking with a young professionals group that I recently found out about at work. I choose to think positively about the next 3 months and I'm hoping to discover a lot of interesting things about myself. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I'm actually brave enough to do these things....

The big 3-0

So I've been 30 for a whole 11 days and I must say that so far it's been rather underwhelming. I only have myself to blame for that though. My actual birthday was pretty cool if I do say so myself and I have to because I spent the entire day on my own. I got up at 4am to complete my daily hour long Jillian Michaels workout and get ready for my self-imposed day of relaxation & quiet celebration. I left the house at 7am so I could make the nearly two hour drive to St. Louis where I had a 10am appointment at the Four Seasons Spa & Salon. As you know I originally had wanted to spend a week in Las Vegas for my 30th birthday. The funds I needed to successfully pull that off never magically appeared as I had hoped so I decided to do something a little closer to home. It has always been a dream of mine to stay at a Four Seasons hotel because everyone who's anyone stays there and I of course am someone who appreciates nice things. I wasn't quite ready to shell out the money for a full night's stay so I opted for a day at the spa instead. From the moment I called to schedule my appointment they treated me like American royalty. Even when they called the day before to confirm my appointment the receptionist gushed at how excited they were to have me join them for my birthday.

They suggested I come 30 minutes early to allow for proper check-in. I arrived at exactly 9am not because I was so anxious to get there but because I honestly thought I would get lost trying to find the hotel downtown & I didn't want to be late. I pulled up to a gorgeous modern looking building were a doorman and a bellhop were waiting. A tall gentleman opened my car door and with a smile said "Good morning and welcome to the Four Seasons. What brings you in today?" I told him I had an appointment at the spa and he told me what floor to go to and gave me my valet ticket. Yes, I had my car valeted & everyone must do this at least once in their life. It was so convenient to pull up to the front door hand over my keys and walk into opulence as if I had no cares in the world. I went to the elevators of which there were 3, stepped inside to see a television there, & a voice over the intercom that announces each floor as you reach it. The voice informed my that I had  reached the 7th floor which held the spa & I was greeted by two ladies dressed in all black who were more than prepared for my early arrival.

After I checked-in, one of them showed me to the locker room which contained a row of lockers each with its own electronic lock allowing the user to enter any 4 digit code to lock it. The key of course is remembering the 4 numbers you locked it with even 5 minutes after doing so which I almost completely forgot. She also showed me to the bathrooms, changing rooms, showers, & makeup room which were all fully stocked with any amenity you could ever need. Just past those rooms were the whirlpool, sauna, & two relaxation rooms all open to my use. She handed me a giant terry cloth robe, some slippers, & a plastic bag to put my swimsuit in after use & told me that my masseuse Robyn would meet me in the relaxation room promptly at 10am to take me for my treatment.

I was the only person in the spa so I put on my yellow J. Crew bikini, turned on the jets, & climbed into the whirlpool for 30 minutes of solitude. The jets felt fantastic and I allowed my mind to drift far away from work & all other stressors in my life. I grabbed my US Weekly and went to the relaxation room to wait for Robyn. I poured myself a glass of cucumber water & read the spa menu so I could get an idea of what I wanted to have later for my birthday lunch. As I was flipping through my magazine & reading birthday messages I received on Facebook, two women came in and sat down next to me to wait for their treatments to begin. One of them I had just met in the locker room & she complimented me on my cute bags (one of them my Kate Spade zebra print purse & the other a polk-a-dot bag I had gotten years ago at The Limited that I was using to hold my clothes). We exchanged pleasant conversation for a few moments. They were regulars and told me I was in for a real treat.

After I emerged from the spa with new skin and a hairless face I ordered lunch which consisted of a strawberry lemonade, a turkey sandwich made on toasted wheat bread with avocado, bacon, & a special spicy spread, & homemade potato chips served warm. After spending nearly 5 hours of heaven at the spa I headed to the ritzy shopping center to drop the remainder of my paycheck at J. Crew & Kate Spade. I felt a mini shopping spree was the best way to end the day. I won't disclose exactly how much I spent but my birthday splurge included: a pair of green linen pants, a pair of plum colored cropped pants, a brightly colored & flowered scarf, a bright yellow skirt, a bright yellow embellished tank, a pair of bright yellow suede ballet flats (see a yellow obsessed pattern here?) a new straw purse for summer, a new wallet to go with the new purse, & an IPhone case for the new phone I had yet to receive. I did have a 20% off coupon for Kate Spade so I feel like my spending there was somewhat justified. Pics to come.

I came home to find a balloon bouquet and a cake with Justin Bieber's face all over it from my parents. I never ended up having a birthday dinner with family or friends and I didn't get to go on an amazing trip but I did have that one day of relaxation & reflection. I got to start out this new chapter in my life with new clothes, a new bag, & a new outlook on life. Every time I am asked to do something that causes fear within me, I have begun to ask myself why I am so afraid and decide to simply try it anyway because what's the worst that could really happen? Just another tidbit I learned from Oprah. Oh and yes the ex did text me to wish me a happy birthday and I'm still not sure what to make of that.