Starvation Island

Today at work I became a woman that I never thought I would be. Our Assistant Director ordered pizza for our team for lunch as she does every other month in an effort to show her appreciation for our hard work. I normally bring my lunch containing some healthy, tiny, flavorless snacks in an effort to keep my weight in check but on these days I never bring my lunch since I know I will be treated to pizza. I normally partake of two healthy slices and enjoy conversation with my co-workers but today I avoided the break room at all costs. Ever since the first day of Summer I have become increasingly aware of my cellulite and all other body flaws. I have been dreaming of the lazy summer day I could spend poolside with a book and some fabulous sunnies on my face but alas my insecurity has kept me from all bodies of water since I was 18 years old. Everytime I attempt to try on a swimsuit my inner dialogue, which can at times sound alot like a bitchy high school girl, swarms my head. What will other's think of my big butt? Do normal people have this much cellulite? Will people think that I'm really an 11 year old boy with long hair because my chest is so flat?

As I spent my summer sweating it out fully clothed I came across this fabulous swimsuit pictured above in my J.Crew catalog. I have been obsessing over it most of the summer swearing that I loved it so much I would actually wear it in public if only it would go on sale. Well two days ago it did go on sale and I ordered it online in hopes to make all my summer dreams come true. Enter pizza Thursday. Now that I have the swimsuit in the back of my mind food seems to be less important as I anticipate my feelings about trying the suit on when it actually comes. As I sat there staring at 4 boxes of delicious pizza I could feel my thighs trying to burst out of my cropped pants. I decided to go and have a slice because it would have been rude not to have any since she went through the trouble of ordering it. I took the smallest slice of cheese I have ever seen Papa John's serve and sat there eating it bite after tiny bite savoring every morsel. As I watched my thinner counterparts reach for a second and third slice I sat there quietly with my hands in my lap hoping to get full off the scent of it. They tried to offer me more and I told them my teeth were hurting so I couldn't handle another piece and to my amazement they actually believed me. Truth is I did go to the dentist earlier and my teeth were still a little sore from the cleaning but not nearly enough to keep me from eating.

As the words left my mouth I realized what I had just done. I became that girl. The girl who lies about what she eats. The girl who deprives herself of what she really wants to try and meet some unrealistic goal. I could have had a second slice of pizza and easily had worked it off during my workout the next morning. I could have had a bigger piece and the world wouldn't have ended but I didn't allow myself to and I spent the rest of the afternoon hungry. How ridiculous is that? I know that I will never look like the model in the swimsuit because she is probably 6ft tall and was blessed with long legs. I am not fat by any means but I have struggled with my weight since I was a chubby little kid and I still carry most of my weight in my hip & thigh area which I've come to accept as a family curse but my beautiful cousin Jennifer who was blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with the same hips & thighs has embraced it and met and married a wonderful guy 15 years ago who loves her curves. Clearly he loves them because they have 4 children.

I have accepted that no matter how much I work out or how much more weight I loose I will still have bigger thighs although there are still times when I look at Olsen twin doppelgangers and dream of having long skinny legs. In an effort to reward myself for surviving my self imposed deprivation tomorrow I will eat my favorite pasta and even may throw in some ice cream afterwards to celebrate me. If I get up the courage to try the swimsuit on when I get it I'll let you know. Here is a picture of me in a cute Banana Republic dress I got on a random 40% sale a few months ago. I like it because of the colors of course and because it covers my lovely (cellulitey) thighs.