Growing Pains

Graduation season is upon us and it always reminds me of my graduation ceremonies. It's so exciting because you are finally done with classes so you feel like you can finally breathe again but it can also be very nerve racking because you're not completely sure of what awaits you out in the big world. You go through so many changes after high school. You lose contact with friends that you thought you would have forever but form intimately close bonds in college with people you just met. Then you leave college and go out into the workforce where you meet even more new people and learn the harsh realities of life like rent, insurance, backstabbers, & glass ceilings. For some reason I thought I would get all of my changing & learning out of the way in my 20's but the truth is I feel more lost now than I ever have.

I've finally come to terms with the fact that my life is nothing like I thought it would be at age 30 but I'm having trouble discovering where I want it to be. Since most of my friends are either married and/or have children I'm having a hard time finding where I fit in. I finally went to that singles group that I was invited to at church. It's a group of 7 career women who are also single. They are very nice and I was pleasantly surprised that they weren't a group of desperate women all crying about their singledom like other groups that I have visited in the past. They are funny, educated, and sincere but they have been a group for quite awhile now. They were very welcoming but being the newcomer is difficult because they are all very close and their lives are very intertwined. They meet twice a month and I've gone twice so far but I still feel awkward. I'm not really sure why I'm surprised by that because I feel uncomfortable in any situation that takes place outside of my room. I have recently discovered that I get a weird feeling in my stomach when I meet new people. You only have one chance to make a first impression & I try so hard to present myself as a chic positive person that I can't even enjoy the interaction. I still struggle being comfortable in my own skin and I'm not exactly sure how to completely surrender that.

Things at work are still going well. I passed my 6 month probationary period and my supervisors tell me I'm doing well. Unfortunately I still don't have any real responsibility but I'm learning a lot and the experience is so valuable to my career. Somedays I get depressed wondering when I'm going to have a real career. For example yesterday I spent the entire day scanning documents and filing while others got to go into meetings making big financial decisions for our organization. On the surface I know my job is important. I gather information that our directors need to make those big important decisions so they rely on me to get things right but I can't help wondering how neat it must feel to go into those meetings with the bigwigs wearing a nice suit and making 6 figures a year. I understand that most of them have several years of experience so I guess it just comes with time. My goal now is to make a good impression with the small stuff in hopes to get a really good recommendation from them when I'm ready to move on and work elsewhere.

Moving is the other thing I've been thinking about. This town was great to grow-up in but as I have evolved I'm finding that it doesn't meet my city girl dreams. Maybe moving away and starting fresh somewhere else would be a good thing for me. Being here only reminds me of failed dreams and desires and there isn't alot of opportunity for advancement. That would be a big step for me. The last time I moved it was to a town much smaller than this and it was easily the worst decision of my adult life. But I can say that I have at least learned from those mistakes so I hope that in moving away will make it easier for me not to look back.

Oh and to make things worse the ex has been in contact with me again. A month ago he promised to come here and take me out for an apology dinner. He was finally going to say to my face all the things that he supposedly wished he had said when we were still together. We were supposed to meet up one weekend in May. Well guess what, here we are the last weekend in May and he has made no plans to meet me. I like a fool actually believed him. I hadn't heard from him in about 3 weeks and then last Friday he texted me to chat as if we were old buddies. He of course didn't acknowledge the promise he broke or pretend to make plans to see me. He at one point did give up some random excuse for not speaking to me for the last few weeks which of course I don't believe and all it did was upset me all over again so I've been moping around for a week thinking about all the pain he caused and realizing that the wounds have not healed. I wanted my apology so I could move on with my life but I'll have to find a way to do it without it.

What hurts the most is that after all he put me through he didn't even think that I was worth a real apology. As you'll remember he texted me an apology 2 months ago but if he was sincere in being honest with me he would have at least called me on the phone. If he really wanted to see me to make things right nothing would have stopped him from coming here. After much self reflection over the past year I now know the only reason I became involved with him in the first place was because I didn't know my worth. I didn't realize that I deserved so much more than he was ever willing to give me and it is now painfully clear that he never will either. As I continue to evolve into whatever woman it is that I'm meant to be I'm finding that the process is just as painful as it was in college. I worried about making friends and making the right choices to invest in my future and I'm still worried about those same exact things now.

Sad stories aside, I have decided to spend my summer doing things outside of my comfort zone. I already have two trips planned to see some college girlfriends of mine. I realized that the last time I saw one of them was easily 7 years ago and that it much too long. As great as Facebook is, it cannot substitute human interaction and seeing them may bring me the joy that I've been searching for. I also hope to go to restaurants I've kept telling myself I want to try but have never gone inside. I want to try new workout methods and read some new books that I've been hearing about. I will continue to go to the singles group and get to know the ladies and hopefully do some networking with a young professionals group that I recently found out about at work. I choose to think positively about the next 3 months and I'm hoping to discover a lot of interesting things about myself. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I'm actually brave enough to do these things....