Style Master

On April 22nd of this year I received what I considered the greatest fashion compliment of my life. I wore the ensemble pictured above to church. I styled this outfit myself so naturally I had to document it & post it on my Facebook page. I received a few comments complimenting my ensemble but one definitely stood out from the others. There was a girl from my high school, let's call her "A" (very Pretty Little Liars of me huh?), who was the queen bee of us all. She was tall, thin, beautiful, popular, had wealthy parents, & I wanted to be her with all my heart & soul. I had the "privilege" of becoming one of her accessory friends which was an acceptable consolation prize at the time as I was the chubby sarcastic girl hangin' in the corner. The accessory friends got invited to hangout whenever she wanted the attention of more than 10 people at once, she was on a 24 hour boyfriend hiatus, or if she was having a party & invited the entire student body.

She had her clique of girls but God help you if you weren't in it because she could be quite the mean girl. I longed to be accepted by her and even when I saw her around town when I came home from college on summer break I would be just as enamored with her. I sent her a very expensive bouquet of flowers once because I had heard she was dealing with some difficult family matters. She never once said thank you but like a fool I continued to show my allegiance to her. She of course married well, had 3 beautiful little children, & maintained her queen status even in adulthood. Although I am older now and found acceptance & success outside of her presence, I still took great care to stand tall when passing her in the hallway at church because I always revert to that nerdy teenage girl every time I see her.

She bestowed upon me the honor of accepting my Facebook friend request which really only meant that I could torture myself by looking at hundreds of pictures featuring her perfect life. She has only commented on two or three of my posts in the two years that we have been Facebook buddies and those were actually comments I had tweeted about the reality show The Bachelor. I can't blame her for that because my comments are rather witty & probably more entertaining than the show itself (or so I'm told by one of my college professors who also enjoys them, yes that is very strange). Then came April 22nd. I received a notification that someone new had commented on my post so I pulled up my little page and I saw a comment from "A". The comment she left read "Seriously you are a style master! I'm totally jealous!" I couldn't believe it. To have someone of her caliber give me a compliment like that made me feel like I could conquer the world....well the fashion world in a small Midwestern town.

Ironically enough, just 3 weeks after the epic comment I found out that she had decided to leave our congregation over a series of petty issues that were originally the petty issues of her closest friends. They had all gone to a new church across town and took pleasure in posting passive aggressive comments every Sunday about wonderful everyone was there and that they were so glad to be a part of an accepting community. A very close friend of mine left our congregation a few months prior but she & her family left quietly & never spoke an ill word about anyone & quite honestly they would have been well in their right to do so given the circumstances. They also knew that it would not have been fair as the issue only concerned a few people and leaving was truly one of the most difficult decisions she has ever made. They found a new church home that is a great fit for their family but that was only after several months of trying out different ones in the area. "A" tried out two churches which both were occupied by the petty friends. She then shared how glad she was to have found a new church home after an entire 2 weeks of searching. She too now shares how much better her new church is along with the others. It was in that moment that I realized how shallow she remains to be. I am glad to have finally accepted this fact after 15 years of wasting my energy trying to impress her but unfortunately it has tainted the compliment.

Lucky for me I know that I am still pretty fashionable even if I have to say so myself which I generally do. Now I am waiting for a truly epic compliment which I now believe should come from the J.Crew goddess herself Jenna Lyons. She is the president & creative director of the company and lives in New York so I'm not exactly sure how I would just happen to bump into her & get such a compliment. Hmmm....pricing flights to New York as we speak & dreaming big.....

Growing Pains

Graduation season is upon us and it always reminds me of my graduation ceremonies. It's so exciting because you are finally done with classes so you feel like you can finally breathe again but it can also be very nerve racking because you're not completely sure of what awaits you out in the big world. You go through so many changes after high school. You lose contact with friends that you thought you would have forever but form intimately close bonds in college with people you just met. Then you leave college and go out into the workforce where you meet even more new people and learn the harsh realities of life like rent, insurance, backstabbers, & glass ceilings. For some reason I thought I would get all of my changing & learning out of the way in my 20's but the truth is I feel more lost now than I ever have.

I've finally come to terms with the fact that my life is nothing like I thought it would be at age 30 but I'm having trouble discovering where I want it to be. Since most of my friends are either married and/or have children I'm having a hard time finding where I fit in. I finally went to that singles group that I was invited to at church. It's a group of 7 career women who are also single. They are very nice and I was pleasantly surprised that they weren't a group of desperate women all crying about their singledom like other groups that I have visited in the past. They are funny, educated, and sincere but they have been a group for quite awhile now. They were very welcoming but being the newcomer is difficult because they are all very close and their lives are very intertwined. They meet twice a month and I've gone twice so far but I still feel awkward. I'm not really sure why I'm surprised by that because I feel uncomfortable in any situation that takes place outside of my room. I have recently discovered that I get a weird feeling in my stomach when I meet new people. You only have one chance to make a first impression & I try so hard to present myself as a chic positive person that I can't even enjoy the interaction. I still struggle being comfortable in my own skin and I'm not exactly sure how to completely surrender that.

Things at work are still going well. I passed my 6 month probationary period and my supervisors tell me I'm doing well. Unfortunately I still don't have any real responsibility but I'm learning a lot and the experience is so valuable to my career. Somedays I get depressed wondering when I'm going to have a real career. For example yesterday I spent the entire day scanning documents and filing while others got to go into meetings making big financial decisions for our organization. On the surface I know my job is important. I gather information that our directors need to make those big important decisions so they rely on me to get things right but I can't help wondering how neat it must feel to go into those meetings with the bigwigs wearing a nice suit and making 6 figures a year. I understand that most of them have several years of experience so I guess it just comes with time. My goal now is to make a good impression with the small stuff in hopes to get a really good recommendation from them when I'm ready to move on and work elsewhere.

Moving is the other thing I've been thinking about. This town was great to grow-up in but as I have evolved I'm finding that it doesn't meet my city girl dreams. Maybe moving away and starting fresh somewhere else would be a good thing for me. Being here only reminds me of failed dreams and desires and there isn't alot of opportunity for advancement. That would be a big step for me. The last time I moved it was to a town much smaller than this and it was easily the worst decision of my adult life. But I can say that I have at least learned from those mistakes so I hope that in moving away will make it easier for me not to look back.

Oh and to make things worse the ex has been in contact with me again. A month ago he promised to come here and take me out for an apology dinner. He was finally going to say to my face all the things that he supposedly wished he had said when we were still together. We were supposed to meet up one weekend in May. Well guess what, here we are the last weekend in May and he has made no plans to meet me. I like a fool actually believed him. I hadn't heard from him in about 3 weeks and then last Friday he texted me to chat as if we were old buddies. He of course didn't acknowledge the promise he broke or pretend to make plans to see me. He at one point did give up some random excuse for not speaking to me for the last few weeks which of course I don't believe and all it did was upset me all over again so I've been moping around for a week thinking about all the pain he caused and realizing that the wounds have not healed. I wanted my apology so I could move on with my life but I'll have to find a way to do it without it.

What hurts the most is that after all he put me through he didn't even think that I was worth a real apology. As you'll remember he texted me an apology 2 months ago but if he was sincere in being honest with me he would have at least called me on the phone. If he really wanted to see me to make things right nothing would have stopped him from coming here. After much self reflection over the past year I now know the only reason I became involved with him in the first place was because I didn't know my worth. I didn't realize that I deserved so much more than he was ever willing to give me and it is now painfully clear that he never will either. As I continue to evolve into whatever woman it is that I'm meant to be I'm finding that the process is just as painful as it was in college. I worried about making friends and making the right choices to invest in my future and I'm still worried about those same exact things now.

Sad stories aside, I have decided to spend my summer doing things outside of my comfort zone. I already have two trips planned to see some college girlfriends of mine. I realized that the last time I saw one of them was easily 7 years ago and that it much too long. As great as Facebook is, it cannot substitute human interaction and seeing them may bring me the joy that I've been searching for. I also hope to go to restaurants I've kept telling myself I want to try but have never gone inside. I want to try new workout methods and read some new books that I've been hearing about. I will continue to go to the singles group and get to know the ladies and hopefully do some networking with a young professionals group that I recently found out about at work. I choose to think positively about the next 3 months and I'm hoping to discover a lot of interesting things about myself. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I'm actually brave enough to do these things....

The big 3-0

So I've been 30 for a whole 11 days and I must say that so far it's been rather underwhelming. I only have myself to blame for that though. My actual birthday was pretty cool if I do say so myself and I have to because I spent the entire day on my own. I got up at 4am to complete my daily hour long Jillian Michaels workout and get ready for my self-imposed day of relaxation & quiet celebration. I left the house at 7am so I could make the nearly two hour drive to St. Louis where I had a 10am appointment at the Four Seasons Spa & Salon. As you know I originally had wanted to spend a week in Las Vegas for my 30th birthday. The funds I needed to successfully pull that off never magically appeared as I had hoped so I decided to do something a little closer to home. It has always been a dream of mine to stay at a Four Seasons hotel because everyone who's anyone stays there and I of course am someone who appreciates nice things. I wasn't quite ready to shell out the money for a full night's stay so I opted for a day at the spa instead. From the moment I called to schedule my appointment they treated me like American royalty. Even when they called the day before to confirm my appointment the receptionist gushed at how excited they were to have me join them for my birthday.

They suggested I come 30 minutes early to allow for proper check-in. I arrived at exactly 9am not because I was so anxious to get there but because I honestly thought I would get lost trying to find the hotel downtown & I didn't want to be late. I pulled up to a gorgeous modern looking building were a doorman and a bellhop were waiting. A tall gentleman opened my car door and with a smile said "Good morning and welcome to the Four Seasons. What brings you in today?" I told him I had an appointment at the spa and he told me what floor to go to and gave me my valet ticket. Yes, I had my car valeted & everyone must do this at least once in their life. It was so convenient to pull up to the front door hand over my keys and walk into opulence as if I had no cares in the world. I went to the elevators of which there were 3, stepped inside to see a television there, & a voice over the intercom that announces each floor as you reach it. The voice informed my that I had  reached the 7th floor which held the spa & I was greeted by two ladies dressed in all black who were more than prepared for my early arrival.

After I checked-in, one of them showed me to the locker room which contained a row of lockers each with its own electronic lock allowing the user to enter any 4 digit code to lock it. The key of course is remembering the 4 numbers you locked it with even 5 minutes after doing so which I almost completely forgot. She also showed me to the bathrooms, changing rooms, showers, & makeup room which were all fully stocked with any amenity you could ever need. Just past those rooms were the whirlpool, sauna, & two relaxation rooms all open to my use. She handed me a giant terry cloth robe, some slippers, & a plastic bag to put my swimsuit in after use & told me that my masseuse Robyn would meet me in the relaxation room promptly at 10am to take me for my treatment.

I was the only person in the spa so I put on my yellow J. Crew bikini, turned on the jets, & climbed into the whirlpool for 30 minutes of solitude. The jets felt fantastic and I allowed my mind to drift far away from work & all other stressors in my life. I grabbed my US Weekly and went to the relaxation room to wait for Robyn. I poured myself a glass of cucumber water & read the spa menu so I could get an idea of what I wanted to have later for my birthday lunch. As I was flipping through my magazine & reading birthday messages I received on Facebook, two women came in and sat down next to me to wait for their treatments to begin. One of them I had just met in the locker room & she complimented me on my cute bags (one of them my Kate Spade zebra print purse & the other a polk-a-dot bag I had gotten years ago at The Limited that I was using to hold my clothes). We exchanged pleasant conversation for a few moments. They were regulars and told me I was in for a real treat.

After I emerged from the spa with new skin and a hairless face I ordered lunch which consisted of a strawberry lemonade, a turkey sandwich made on toasted wheat bread with avocado, bacon, & a special spicy spread, & homemade potato chips served warm. After spending nearly 5 hours of heaven at the spa I headed to the ritzy shopping center to drop the remainder of my paycheck at J. Crew & Kate Spade. I felt a mini shopping spree was the best way to end the day. I won't disclose exactly how much I spent but my birthday splurge included: a pair of green linen pants, a pair of plum colored cropped pants, a brightly colored & flowered scarf, a bright yellow skirt, a bright yellow embellished tank, a pair of bright yellow suede ballet flats (see a yellow obsessed pattern here?) a new straw purse for summer, a new wallet to go with the new purse, & an IPhone case for the new phone I had yet to receive. I did have a 20% off coupon for Kate Spade so I feel like my spending there was somewhat justified. Pics to come.

I came home to find a balloon bouquet and a cake with Justin Bieber's face all over it from my parents. I never ended up having a birthday dinner with family or friends and I didn't get to go on an amazing trip but I did have that one day of relaxation & reflection. I got to start out this new chapter in my life with new clothes, a new bag, & a new outlook on life. Every time I am asked to do something that causes fear within me, I have begun to ask myself why I am so afraid and decide to simply try it anyway because what's the worst that could really happen? Just another tidbit I learned from Oprah. Oh and yes the ex did text me to wish me a happy birthday and I'm still not sure what to make of that.

Cute outfit Sunday

I rocked this cuteness this morning. The nautical shirt & denim skirt are both J.Crew from a few seasons ago and the shoes are Coach and happen to be my favorite pair.

I also scored a fabulous pair of purple trouser pants at a J.Crew final sale about 3 weeks ago and was finally able to break them out for work. I got a few questioning stares from my co-workers but I think the outfit was a success! It would have been perfect if I had the right color of espadrilles to pair with them.

30? Say it ain't so!

Well we are T minus 6 days until my 30th birthday and I'm really starting to freak out about it. I thought that I had a good handle on everything. I planned to take that day off of work and spend the day relaxing & treating myself to some pampering so that I wouldn't really think about it then yesterday I get a card in the mail. It was from a former co-worker of my mom and it was in a pink envelope. I got excited to open it because I knew it must be a birthday card and it was my favorite color. I tore open the envelope and there it was in giant colorful letters Happy 30th Birthday. I am fully aware of what birthday this is but seeing it on paper made it real all of the sudden. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I usually display all of my birthday cards on the dresser for at least a week but this time I shoved the card back into the envelope and hid it.

I know I sound like a crazy person but I really couldn't handle it. It's like I've been trying to run away from it but somehow it found me. It's inevitable that I will get older. People turn 40, 50, even 60 and still seem to be living their lives and enjoying it so why can't I get past 3-0? I know exactly why so I don't know why I pretend not to know. I am mourning the loss of my 20's because there are so many things I wish I would have done in the past 9 years but I didn't. I made mistakes, I didn't take risks, at times I was scared of my own shadow and ashamed to be myself. It was only within the last year that I finally began to understand that I was not living an authentic life and that the only thing standing in the way of my true happiness was me. I've been on quite the journey of self revelation and I have to say I'm beginning to like the person that I really am underneath all of the labels I've been given from other people throughout my life.

I've tried to come up with a list of things I have done in the past 29 years so I wouldn't feel so defeated. So far I've listed that I have a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, & I think that I have a good sense of humor. Ironically enough when I listed those things the first thought that came to my mind was the fact that I haven't used those degrees in the way I had planned and humor is subject to the audience in which you're addressing. I have to stop that. Here are the facts, I have two degrees and I graduated with honors with both of them and I am proud of that. No they haven't yet gotten me where I planned to go but I know that they will because I'm currently laying the groundwork for a successful career with the job that I spent 7 years trying to get. In my opinion I am a humorous person because I can find the humor &/or irony in almost everything. I laugh at myself often & not that it matters, but other people have told me that I'm funny. Doesn't that sound self-affirming? I learned that from Iyanla Vanzant circa Oprah. I will need to come up with more than that I think to make it through my actual birthday but this is a good start. I wonder how other people have dealt with this. I know there is still time for me to meet my goals and live the life I've dreamed so why can't I accept this age?

Cute outfit Sunday

This skirt was one of my spring faves that I snagged for $40 on J.Crew's extra 30% off sale last week. I'm head to toe J.Crew today. I know, I know I should incorporate other designers but sometimes they just get it right and I have to stay committed for the whole outfit. The weather in the Midwest has been uncharacteristically beautiful the past few weeks so more spring fashions to come!

Caught Off Guard

I truly believe that the coolest thing about each day we're given on this earth is the fact that at the start of the day you have no idea what the day will bring. You plan to go on vacation but your flight gets canceled. You went to sleep not knowing how to pay an unexpected bill and you wake up with a phone call from a family member giving you money because they just knew you needed it. Good and bad things that you don't plan on happening simply happen sometime and it's always interesting to see how people deal with the unexpected.

My Sunday was very typical. I went to church with my mom and then I went into work for a few hours because I was covering for a co-worker who is vacationing on a cruise ship somewhere. I stopped by Panera on the way home to get my current favorite meal Fuji apple chicken salad and chicken tortilla soup with green tea and a giant chocolate chip cookie. I settled in at home, ate my lunch, and snuggled up in a blanket on the couch as I had planned on falling into a peaceful napping state while watching the Pop-up Video edition of Jersey Shore when I got a text from my ex that said:

"I know things didn't end up the way we imagined, but I wanted you to know that I really miss the positive person that you are and I hate the way that I just let you go. I shouldn't have been afraid of how I felt. I regret how I handled a lot of things. I don't know why I'm babbling, but I wanted you to know that you had more of an impact on me than I thought possible. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it. You are an amazing person and I'm an ass and a dumb one at that."

How on earth do I respond to that? I've spent an entire year trying to get over him. He broke up with me in an email so it's fitting that he apologize over a text message I suppose. The thing is this whole time I believed that I was in the relationship by myself. I poured my heart out to him and he did not reciprocate. I took a new job and left town and it didn't seem to phase him at all. I've worn out copies of all my Adele cd's, singlehandedly kept the Kleenex corporation in business crying into their tissues for hours at a time, and I can sing the lyrics to Sara Bareilles Gravity in my sleep. I finally began to heal and feel like I had grown from the pain that was the dissolution of our relationship and then he finally says to me everything that I wished he would have said when I walked out that door 6 months ago.

I thought I would yell or scream and curse him like I had always imagined myself doing. I spent 20 minutes thinking of how to respond and then I realized that so many women who go through a breakup like this never get an apology. I was lucky. I thought that he didn't care when all this time he did. I felt relieved because I was finally able to confirm that it really wasn't me it was him all along and I can be free. I told him that I appreciated hearing his words because I did and he went on to say that he had been very depressed since my departure and had bottled everything up inside so he had to get it off his chest. Did hearing this make me happy? No it didn't because as hurt as I was a part of me still cares about him and probably always will. But I will admit I took a little pleasure in hearing that.

Of course now you're wondering what this all means and quite frankly so am I. The day I found out through friends that he was interested in me was at the time the most beautifully unexpected moment of my life up to that point but 3 years later look what that has gotten me. He didn't say that he wanted to get back together with me nor did he say that he wanted to speak to me in person or over the phone to further explain himself and I really think he should have. There is so much that was left unsaid and I have so many questions but I was so grateful for the apology that I didn't push him for anything more. It's possible that he does this to all his past girlfriends and plays the apology game when he decides he wants them back. It's also very possible that he was being sincere.

Have I gone back and read that text message 25 times analyzing every single word? You know I have. I have not decided what I should do next. Should I invite him to Starbucks for a chat? Do I wait for him to come crawling back? Do I just ignore what he said and walk away? I honestly don't know what to do. So much has happened I can't even begin to list the changes that would have to take place in order to have a healthy relationship with him so for now I will do nothing and wait for the next unexpected event because sometimes life just decides for you.