Caught Off Guard

I truly believe that the coolest thing about each day we're given on this earth is the fact that at the start of the day you have no idea what the day will bring. You plan to go on vacation but your flight gets canceled. You went to sleep not knowing how to pay an unexpected bill and you wake up with a phone call from a family member giving you money because they just knew you needed it. Good and bad things that you don't plan on happening simply happen sometime and it's always interesting to see how people deal with the unexpected.

My Sunday was very typical. I went to church with my mom and then I went into work for a few hours because I was covering for a co-worker who is vacationing on a cruise ship somewhere. I stopped by Panera on the way home to get my current favorite meal Fuji apple chicken salad and chicken tortilla soup with green tea and a giant chocolate chip cookie. I settled in at home, ate my lunch, and snuggled up in a blanket on the couch as I had planned on falling into a peaceful napping state while watching the Pop-up Video edition of Jersey Shore when I got a text from my ex that said:

"I know things didn't end up the way we imagined, but I wanted you to know that I really miss the positive person that you are and I hate the way that I just let you go. I shouldn't have been afraid of how I felt. I regret how I handled a lot of things. I don't know why I'm babbling, but I wanted you to know that you had more of an impact on me than I thought possible. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it. You are an amazing person and I'm an ass and a dumb one at that."

How on earth do I respond to that? I've spent an entire year trying to get over him. He broke up with me in an email so it's fitting that he apologize over a text message I suppose. The thing is this whole time I believed that I was in the relationship by myself. I poured my heart out to him and he did not reciprocate. I took a new job and left town and it didn't seem to phase him at all. I've worn out copies of all my Adele cd's, singlehandedly kept the Kleenex corporation in business crying into their tissues for hours at a time, and I can sing the lyrics to Sara Bareilles Gravity in my sleep. I finally began to heal and feel like I had grown from the pain that was the dissolution of our relationship and then he finally says to me everything that I wished he would have said when I walked out that door 6 months ago.

I thought I would yell or scream and curse him like I had always imagined myself doing. I spent 20 minutes thinking of how to respond and then I realized that so many women who go through a breakup like this never get an apology. I was lucky. I thought that he didn't care when all this time he did. I felt relieved because I was finally able to confirm that it really wasn't me it was him all along and I can be free. I told him that I appreciated hearing his words because I did and he went on to say that he had been very depressed since my departure and had bottled everything up inside so he had to get it off his chest. Did hearing this make me happy? No it didn't because as hurt as I was a part of me still cares about him and probably always will. But I will admit I took a little pleasure in hearing that.

Of course now you're wondering what this all means and quite frankly so am I. The day I found out through friends that he was interested in me was at the time the most beautifully unexpected moment of my life up to that point but 3 years later look what that has gotten me. He didn't say that he wanted to get back together with me nor did he say that he wanted to speak to me in person or over the phone to further explain himself and I really think he should have. There is so much that was left unsaid and I have so many questions but I was so grateful for the apology that I didn't push him for anything more. It's possible that he does this to all his past girlfriends and plays the apology game when he decides he wants them back. It's also very possible that he was being sincere.

Have I gone back and read that text message 25 times analyzing every single word? You know I have. I have not decided what I should do next. Should I invite him to Starbucks for a chat? Do I wait for him to come crawling back? Do I just ignore what he said and walk away? I honestly don't know what to do. So much has happened I can't even begin to list the changes that would have to take place in order to have a healthy relationship with him so for now I will do nothing and wait for the next unexpected event because sometimes life just decides for you.