Well we are T minus 6 days until my 30th birthday and I'm really starting to freak out about it. I thought that I had a good handle on everything. I planned to take that day off of work and spend the day relaxing & treating myself to some pampering so that I wouldn't really think about it then yesterday I get a card in the mail. It was from a former co-worker of my mom and it was in a pink envelope. I got excited to open it because I knew it must be a birthday card and it was my favorite color. I tore open the envelope and there it was in giant colorful letters Happy 30th Birthday. I am fully aware of what birthday this is but seeing it on paper made it real all of the sudden. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I usually display all of my birthday cards on the dresser for at least a week but this time I shoved the card back into the envelope and hid it.
I know I sound like a crazy person but I really couldn't handle it. It's like I've been trying to run away from it but somehow it found me. It's inevitable that I will get older. People turn 40, 50, even 60 and still seem to be living their lives and enjoying it so why can't I get past 3-0? I know exactly why so I don't know why I pretend not to know. I am mourning the loss of my 20's because there are so many things I wish I would have done in the past 9 years but I didn't. I made mistakes, I didn't take risks, at times I was scared of my own shadow and ashamed to be myself. It was only within the last year that I finally began to understand that I was not living an authentic life and that the only thing standing in the way of my true happiness was me. I've been on quite the journey of self revelation and I have to say I'm beginning to like the person that I really am underneath all of the labels I've been given from other people throughout my life.
I've tried to come up with a list of things I have done in the past 29 years so I wouldn't feel so defeated. So far I've listed that I have a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, & I think that I have a good sense of humor. Ironically enough when I listed those things the first thought that came to my mind was the fact that I haven't used those degrees in the way I had planned and humor is subject to the audience in which you're addressing. I have to stop that. Here are the facts, I have two degrees and I graduated with honors with both of them and I am proud of that. No they haven't yet gotten me where I planned to go but I know that they will because I'm currently laying the groundwork for a successful career with the job that I spent 7 years trying to get. In my opinion I am a humorous person because I can find the humor &/or irony in almost everything. I laugh at myself often & not that it matters, but other people have told me that I'm funny. Doesn't that sound self-affirming? I learned that from Iyanla Vanzant circa Oprah. I will need to come up with more than that I think to make it through my actual birthday but this is a good start. I wonder how other people have dealt with this. I know there is still time for me to meet my goals and live the life I've dreamed so why can't I accept this age?
No comments:
Post a Comment