If Every Kiss Begins with Kay, I'm Screwed

Christmas for the single gal can be almost as difficult as Valentine's Day. On a daily basis my TV is filled with jewelry store commercials reminding me of the ring or diamonds I won't be getting, Hallmark movie plots where the hardworking single gal/single mom gets the gorgeous doctor/toy maker/Santa impersonator in the end, and clothing ads for sparkly dresses meant for New Year's Eve when the midnight kiss I've always dreamed of is planted on another lucky girl. It seems to get harder to face as I've gotten older. I used to be hopeful that one year my Christmas experience would be different and I would have someone special to share it with. For two years I had someone to buy gifts for and I was excited and went overboard. The 1st year he didn't get me anything besides a thank you for my generosity then the second year he got me a blender and a lotion set from  The Body Shop whose scent he thought I would like. I actually did want a blender so I could make smoothies so I can't claim that he was clueless because he listened to me. I got him cashmere lined leather gloves, a gift set of Justin Timberlake's new cologne (which make him uncharacteristically excited), and some Nike workout gear. I had nailed it. I got him everything he loved but never knew he wanted. I am known for my thoughtful and impeccable gift giving skills and I am sure he expected nothing less. It was fun at the time, but now the sting of knowing that he never truly cared about me ruins those memories....that and knowing that he probably still wears those gloves and claims to forget who gave them to him.

It is very easy to sink into a deep depression as I look around and see all the young happy families excited and preparing for Christmas as I struggle to put up my Charlie Brown artifical tree by myself but then I was reminded that there are plenty of people who aren't in a happy family or who don't expect to get anything for Christmas. Last year my mother invited a woman into her home for Christmas named Marie. She is a developmentally disabled adult but is able to work and live on her own. She is a member of our church and the friends that she would usually spend the holiday with were out of town and my mother knew that she would be alone otherwise. After service that Christmas morning, we invited her to have brunch with us at Ihop which was the only restaurant open. They were short staffed so it took awhile for us to get our food but it didn't matter because we were in good company. We had great conversation over brunch then we invited her back to my parents' home to open gifts and watch a few Christmas shows. After the gifts had been opened, we took her to the movie theatre to see the new Muppet's movie as it is our tradition to go to the movies after opening gifts and we had a great time enjoying the movie over soda and popcorn. When we dropped her off at her apartment I wondered what her day would have been like had we not invited her to spend Christmas with us. I doubt that she was worried about getting an expensive gift from a cute guy or would even complain because her favorite pie wasn't served during Christmas dinner. She was just happy that someone included her in their holiday celebration.

After being convicted over my feelings of sadness, I decided to spend all of my energy pouting into giving back to my community. I signed up to buy gifts for the special needs adults at my church. They all live in various group homes in town but one of our faitful church members goes out every Sunday morning to pick them up and bring them to church. As I looked through the cards of items they were requesting I found that they were all things that they needed and not just frivolous items they wanted. I also saw that the Hope School was collecting gifts for their children. This school is for disabled children that offers educational and residential services. Some families just leave their kids there and I'm sure they wouldn't receive any gifts otherwise. I took a couple of cards and was humbled by the fact that they were asking for such simple things. One wanted a coat, the other wanted a football, and another a Kidz Bop CD. When I was their age I'm pretty sure I asked for an entire Barbie village including a car, a mansion, and 3 or 4 different Barbies. I felt good getting those gifts but then I went to work and found that there were 3 different charities that out department would be donating things too. For a second, I selfishly thought to myself "Geez how charitable do I need to be" but I knew that I could afford to give more so I signed up to bring items for those charities as well. Much like the Grinch, I think my heart grew 3 times that day and I appreciate all the little things so much more. I wasn't present when the individuals received the gifts but I have an overwhelming sense of peace that they were very appreciated.

Not surprisingly, in the midst of all my shopping for others in need, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. Christmas day has come and gone yet again without a man but I survived it and got some generously loaded gift cards to some of my favorite restaurants so I really can't complain. Besides, anything that I truly wanted I gifted myself whenever a 40% off sale popped up in my inbox. The first picture above is of me in a J. Crew tartan mini skirt which does have matching shoes that were too expensive for my budget but still sold out so I am currently stalking the website to see if they happen to get a pair in my size back in stock when they go on sale. The little nifty heart sweater was a factory store find a week before Thanksgiving and I paired it with a purple blazer I snatched up at half-price after all my discounts. All my favorite stores have already started sending out their Spring catalogues so now I have to decide if I should save my money for that or attack the end of season sales now. I suppose if I had a man he would frown upon such a "dilemma" and I would never hear the end of it so I will appreciate my single status simply for that fact.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I am in a daily battle with my self-esteem and this week was quite a struggle. I must say that I feel pretty good about myself until I leave my house. I haven't yet mastered the art of maintaining confidence in myself when faced with a beautiful woman. I guess I should start out by saying that my current celebrity obsession is supermodel Chrissy Tiegen pictured above. Isn't she stunning? I see hundreds of beautiful women every month as I flip through some of my favorite fashion magazines but Chrissy stands out from all of them. At first I knew her as the delicious arm candy of one of my favorite artists John Legend but then I began to follow her on Twitter and found that she's more than just a pretty face. She's charitable, intelligent, a gourmet chef in training, and has an amazing sense of humor. She's self-deprecating which I can appreciate but it's hard to believe that someone who looks like that could ever look at her own reflection and not smile. I imagine that everyone has some insecurity. Chrissy was on Fashion Police and invited Joan Rivers into her West Coast home that she shares with John. As they were going through her amazing walk-in closet she tried on some bikinis from her swimsuit line, as models do, and she complained that she wished her legs were longer.

Some would say that I have nothing to complain about since I'm not overweight or completely unfortunate looking but that certainly won't keep me from whining. I've always felt that my eyes are too big although they always tell me that's a good thing whenever I visit a makeup counter. I carry a pocket of fat around my kneecaps and I carry all my weight in my hips & thighs so it's nearly impossible for me to carry off that long leg look when I wear skirts. To top it all off I have flat feet a wonderful trait I inherited from my father so although I'm only 5'5" I wear a size 9 1/2 and people always stare at my feet in horror (which plays into my foot phobia) when I wear flip flops so I only do so when getting a pedicure. While I have spent most of the summer worshipping at the altar of Ms. Tiegen I seemed to have forgotten that she is human which means that she may do something that I don't agree with. As the days to the election drew closer she began to make a series of disparaging tweets badmouthing the candidate she wasn't voting for and anyone who was planning on voting for him. I could have found it somewhat humorous except for the fact that I'm fairly sure she wasn't joking. It really came off as childish and close-minded which is unfortunate because I thought she was so cool. I personally didn't make any public statements about who I was voting for because I feel it's more important to promote exercising your right to vote and staying informed about what is going on in our government. I don't have a problem with people talking politics and being passionate about it. Quite frankly I didn't think that either candidate was stellar but I am always open to hearing other people's views because I always learn something. I also have never voted along party lines so there are normally things I like about both candidates but I did choose the one I felt would do the best for our country. Needless to say as beautiful I still believe Chrissy is I can't say that I still wish I were her which is probably a good thing. Oh please who am I kidding? She could have written in a vote for Satan and I would still die to be her. Please negate everything I just said. I will forgive and completely forget. I am full on obsessed with her once again. Damn you Chrissy.

Unfortunately for me there are still plenty of non-celebrities that I look up to for all the wrong reasons. For example, I was in Von Maur the other day buying this fabulous Nine West dress (pictured below) that was originally priced at $129 but I was snagging it up for $27 and the girl in front of me at the checkout counter was taking a long time. Normally I don't mind waiting in line for a little while to get a great deal but I was a little irritable that day because I was hungry and really wanted to get out of there and get a frosted covered calorie-laden cookie at Mrs. Fields. The girl turned around to apologize for the time she was taking but I could hardly be mad at her because she was a vision. She was 5'4" and barely tipped the scales at 98lbs. She had long flowing blonde hair, perfectly tanned skin, liquid leather leggings, brand new Tory Burch flats with a matching clutch, and a blinged out I-phone. Her problem was that she had picked out a sparkly netted tunic top almost identical to the one she was wearing and there was a snag in the fabric so she wanted the sales associate to see if they had another in her size that she could buy instead. Since she was paying full price for this item I too would have wanted the same thing. I told her it was fine but in my head I was thinking "Anyone who looks like that doesn't have to apologize for anything". I of course felt like I was dressed like a homeless person in comparison to her when in reality I had on a very chic casual Saturday shopping outfit that other patrons in the store actually complimented me on. She looked cute and so did I. There doesn't have to be a winner but unfortunately as women we have a habit of competing on everything instead of supporting and celebrating each other. I won't lie a part of me still wishes I looked like Chrissy Tiegen or Miss Tory Burch but I need to accept the fact that I never will but also realize that it's ok to look like the best version of myself because that's who God created me to be.

Auditing My Life

This week we had auditors come to our office to perform their biennial audit of our HR department. 6 months ago I was selected as the unfortunate individual who would coordinate these 3 days of hell. At the time I thought that they chose me because I had proven myself to be trustworthy and capable of such a large undertaking. Preparing for a departmental audit takes several months of preparation as they request record of all 1300 of our employees including a large sampling of position descriptions, personnel files, and a list of employees to interview while they are at our office. I had help gathering all of this information from other members of our team because they all deal with different areas of our organization and only they would know where to find what I needed. I must say it was difficult scheduling time to meet with each person to go over my list and pull the information because we are already stretched pretty thin but literally the day before all of the pre-audit information was due I got everything together and sent it in.

I was feeling pretty good about myself because I had completed half the battle and then 3 days before the auditors were to arrive I sat in a meeting with my supervisor, one of our assistant directors, and our executive director to go over the audit schedule and discuss any topics we thought the auditors might want to discuss while they were here. Towards the end of the meeting our executive director thanked me for putting everything together noting that they have had someone different take on this task each time because everyone hates doing it. So yet again I was assigned a task I thought was important only to find out that I was told to do it because no one else wanted to.

Initially her comment really took the wind out of my sails because I worked really hard to organize all that crap but then I realized, since I would be escorting the auditors around I would literally be the face of our department and I wanted to leave a positive impression. Regardless of how little everyone else cared I put together 3 killer outfits that I felt made me look equal parts professional and fashionable and I became the hostess with the most-est. I ordered them lunch from their favorite restaurant, I answered all their questions, I escorted them all over campus, sat in on their meetings to take notes, I even got the opportunity to schmooze with them in between meetings and I think they actually enjoyed my company. They gave their initial results yesterday and everything came back outstanding and they even publicly thanked me for having everything so organized. Afterwards my supervisor actually thanked me for a job well done and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief that it was over.

Unfortunately as soon as that all ended I had to go into the office for 3 hours on a Saturday morning to begin to prepare for my co-worker to take a 6-8 week medical leave. She is having the gastric sleeve procedure and has not been at all shy about talking about it to anyone who will listen. About 4 months ago her physician recommend that she have it done otherwise she wouldn't be able to have a baby in the future. Since I only believe about 20% of what I hear I'm not at all sure that this is a true statement but she's already scheduled the surgery so let the weight loss and subsequent baby making begin. For the purposes of this blog I will refer to her as The Sleeve. The Sleeve is a 35 year old singleton who has been slaving away at our company for nearly 8 years and although she has an active social life, a close knit family including a twin sister, and owns her own home all she's ever wanted is a husband and a baby. I have my own beliefs as to why that hasn't happened yet but I do hope that she is able to have all her heart desires I just hope she doesn't tie the success of her man search to the weight loss because it really does go deeper than that.

As I was preparing for my office audit I started to think about auditing my own life. Lately I've noticed certain habits of mine that are not helping me become one with my authentic self. For example, every Friday night I watch Say Yes to the Dress with my mom. The show itself is rather entertaining as it follows brides to be around lavish bridal salons as they search for the dress of their dreams. As with any reality show involving women all types of drama ensues either spotlighting a bridezilla wanting to spend twice her budget or family members and friends making the day about themselves with inappropriate comments. I started to realize that after the show ended I would feel depressed. I was able to pinpoint my feelings to the part where they show pictures of the women with their fiances looking happy and in love and at the end of the episode when they found the dress. You could see the triumph in their faces. It was almost as if their expression was saying "I did it! I found my prince and when I walk down the aisle I am going to be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen". As I watch each woman some very young and a few considerably older reach that level of success a little voice in my head whispers "That will never happen to you" and I actually believe it. I haven't watched the show for the past two weeks because of this and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Is it foolish that I let a scripted reality show get the best of me or is it wise for me to turn off the "noise" that clouds my brain with negative thoughts?

Blessed Trinity

Yesterday I returned from a 4 day trip to Minnesota to visit Sarah a dear college friend of mine. Our friendship is very important to me because she's one of the few people from college who I've been able to maintain a close relationship with over the years. I have been planning to go up there to see her ever since her wedding 5 years ago but for no real reason except that I never made the time to go I never did. Since this was the Summer of Stephanie I knew I had to finally make the trip to honor my vow of living my life with no regrets. She has since had 2 little girls and is currently hosting a fetus to be born this December. I must admit I was a little nervous to go because it had been quite awhile since I last saw her and I wasn't sure how to navigate the new dynamics of our relationship. I truly enjoyed every moment of my visit and I couldn't have asked for a better hostess. Nothing made me feel more inadequate than witnessing her preparing a home cooked meal every night and having the privilege of joining her husband and children at the dinner table something that my family only does on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

It also made me realize the amount of work that it takes to raise a family and in reality I am not at all close to being ready to take on that challenge. She would be up with the girls at 6am while sending her husband off to work. Then in no particular order would manage breakfast, bath time, clean up, snacks, outside playtime, dinner prep, lunch time, story time, nap time, more cleaning, another snack, diaper changes, vacuuming, and somehow a long enough break to catch half an episode of What Not to Wear. Not once did she ask me for help and she didn't miss a beat. The most heartwarming part was seeing what took place when her husband got home from work. The second he walked through the door the girls ran to him and he embraced them with the biggest smile you've ever seen. He would put his stuff down and go right outside to play with them until dinner was ready. He would do the same thing after dinner and then put the girls to bed. I couldn't help but think how blessed these young girls were to have a consistent male figure in their lives treat them this way. Now they will grow up knowing how other men should treat them because their father set that example early on. Every girl should have this and I am so glad to know that Sarah found a man that encompasses these qualities and that men like this still exist.

The highlight of my trip had to be the time I got to spend with Sarah's daughters who are ages 1 and 3. The 1 year old Moriah is still learning words so we didn't say a lot to each other but her adorable smile spoke volumes and she seemed to be enamored with my jewelry so we got along just fine. She warmed up to me after about 2 days and reached out to let me hold her. Nothing gives you baby fever more than holding a cute child who appears to like you but once they start drooling on you nothing kills the fantasy faster. Her 3 year old Trinity is in fact a princess in training. She doesn't like to be dirty, she loves to dress up, she loves makeup, and she loves pop music. I must say I haven't found anyone who I have this much in common with in a very long time. Before my arrival Sarah showed her a picture of me to prepare her for my visit I imagine and she said I looked like princess Tiana from Disney's the Princess and the Frog. That is by far the greatest compliment I've ever been given. I only wish I had a crown to wear to make the fantasy complete. Since her birth I've been sending princess dresses to her because I wanted to do something nice for Sarah's girls and because I felt like it was my duty as a fashionista to pass on the tradition. When I came she remembered to thank me for the dresses and even tried to put one of them on. A child is never too young to form his or her own sense of style right?

We went to a Greek festival downtown and she won a blow up guitar by playing some of the kid games they had. When we got home that night Sarah put on some fun music to distract Trinity while she and her husband put the youngest to bed. Trinity invited me to jam with her so I took the ukulele that Moriah got at the festival had and we rocked out to the musical stylings of Taylor Swift, Gym Class Heroes, and the Wanted just to name a few. I can't remember the last time I felt so free. I taught her to whip her hair around and jump up and down just like rock stars do. I'm sure Sarah will thank me for that later. For the first time in a long time I didn't care what anyone thought because I was having fun. I could hear Sarah and her husband behind me and I'm sure they thought I looked like a complete idiot playing a toy instrument and sweating to a James Brown level but Trinity thought I was the coolest girl she had ever met and that made me feel like a rock star. Unfortunately we were only able to have one more jam session the next morning before I left for the airport but I can only hope that she will remember everything I taught her. She still has to find another guitar player, a drummer, and a rapper all on her own to complete the band but I have no doubt she'll come through. Before I left I gave her a few pieces of clothing that I picked up at Crewcuts at the Mall of America including a green shift dress in the spirit of princess Tiana.

Spending time with a child really makes you appreciate life. Trinity is so eager to learn and open to people that she finds intriguing. She doesn't know what prejudice is and she loves with no fear. What if I could learn to live my life with that same level of freedom? I am still very unsure of whether or not I'm mommy material but I did learn during this visit that I still have a place in the life of this very special child even though I'm not a parent, an aunt, a cousin, or a guardian. I'm Stephanie the cool ambiguously older lady who sends fun dresses, wears pretty makeup, and loves to jam to all the latest pop songs and I would be honored to continue to do so if she will have me. I don't have to be any thinner, richer, or be attached to the hottest guy in town just being me is enough to her and that is such an amazing feeling.

This week's pictures feature the apology dinner outfit that I had planned to wear when my ex finally invited me out to dinner to apologize for they way he treated me during the course of our relationship. He not surprisingly has still never called to invite me out as he promised to do this summer but I couldn't let this outfit or these shoes go to waste so I wore them this morning. The skirt and tank are from Ann Taylor Loft, the cardigan is J.Crew, and the shoes are Gianni Binni that I picked up at 40% off at Dillards. My only regret is that he'll never see how good I looked which would have made the apologize that much sweeter.

The White Party

In an effort to try something new I attended my first White Party 2 weeks ago. I was invited by a friend of my mother's from work. Her boyfriend was a part of an alumni group from his college fraternity and every summer they have a White Party to honor the handful of students they award scholarships to. I agreed to go thinking I would be able to find a simple white dress to wear as I don't own anything completely white because I love color and because I am deathly afraid of spilling something on it. I ordered what looked online to be a cute dress but when I got it the day before the party and tried it on I found that it looked atrocious on me. I started to panic and actually tried to get out of going all together. Angie the woman I was going to the party with said that she had already bought a dress that morning at the mall and we had previously paid for our tickets so it would have been really sucky of me not to go. I went out to Macy's and surprisingly found a simple and cute Calvin Klein dress pictured above. It was only on sale for 20% off so I paid more than I would have liked to but I was stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new so I figured it was worth it.

The party started at 7pm but in an effort to be fashionably late Angie and I agreed to show up at 9pm. I'm glad we did because the party consisted of a room full of 100 people sitting and listening to an R&B cover band for 3 hours followed by listening to a horrible DJ for the next 2 hours. It was exciting to be starting my night at 9pm because I am usually already in bed with my chic nerd glasses on watching whatever movie I found to be remotely interesting from my weekly trip to Redbox. Everyone was dressed to the nines in their all-white ensembles sitting at various tables chatting and nibbling on hors d'oeuvres. Angie knew practically everyone there but since I knew no one else I stayed pretty close to her the entire night. She introduced me to a few people including her boyfriend who served as the mcee for the evening. The only person I care to remember was a very fine specimen by the name of Marcus. He had on an all-white suit coupled with a very bored expression on his face. He had been there since 7pm and was ready to go home. He was nice to me though and engaged me in a brief casual conversation. He sat next to me on and off during the evening and I of course clammed up and didn't get any details on his relationship status or try to flirt with him fearing rejection. Angie got up and danced a few times as she was asked to dance by many of the most attractive guys there. I must mention that Angie was looking much hotter than I was in a strapless number with sky high heels and long beautiful earrings. Anyways, I am glad that I went because I got to meet some new people but I didn't take advantage of the situation as well as I should have.

In an unrealted incident, I went to a dollshow yesterday with my mom. She has been collecting Barbie and fashion dolls for about 15 years and I will ocassionally go to dollshows with her to give her some company. On our latest adventure we found a fabulous retro Barbie with a chic black & white stripped swimsuit and cute heels. They had both a Caucasian and African-American version of the doll and they were identical but the white doll cost $58 and the black doll cost $54. This $4 difference really hit me. I know the amount is small but I couldn't help but wonder why this was. My guess is that the white doll is in higher demand so they priced it higher but I feel there is some symbolism there for me because I've always felt like less when compared to my caucasian counterparts. I grew up going to a private Christian school which only had roughly 5% minorities and I can't even count the number of times I was passed over for a date by one of the other girls in my class. I have since been able to identify how much that has effected my self esteem over time but it's still something I struggle with. The thing is there should be no comparison within or outside of a race because we are all different and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but in our society it still happens. Who is the thinnest? Who is the richest? Who is the happiest? Who is the most beautiful person? All of these questions when answered would make the majority of the human race feel like less than and that's terrible. Does this anger anyone else?

You Lookin' at Me?

So a strange thing happened yesterday. I went to Sam's Club with my mom to buy some gum. I am a little obsessed with Orbit White bubblegum and I chew it so frequently I find it's more economical to buy it in bulk. So I walk up to the checkout counter with my 240 piece container of gum and I notice that the cashier who was a cute 20 something male seemed to be giving me a few extra side glances. At first I thought he had some kind of issue with his eyes that I should pretend not to notice but then it dawned on me that he may be trying to check me out. After we paid for our items he looked directly at me with a smile and said "You ladies have a nice day!" I said thank you and went on my merry little way. It may have all been in my head but a part of me wants to believe that he might have actually found me attractive. Perhaps he was in fact checking me out and I should have flirted with him while he was ringing me up but since that has never happened to me I don't think that's something I naturally would have done.

I wonder what it's like for girls who have this sort of thing happen to them all the time. You know the one's I'm talking about. We all have at least one friend that always gets hit on when they are out in public. The 1st person that comes to mind for me is my friend Sarah. We met at work a few years ago and our friendship actually began because of our mutual love for fashion. She's a very beautiful woman with an insanely toned body due to her daily commitment to Crossfit. Guys hit on her all the time and I know she is used to it because she so easily banters back and forth with them. She has her pick of the litter so to speak so I imagine that it's fun for her but to me it's a foreign concept. Honestly the fact that I smiled back at the guy and said thank you was a big step for me. My self-esteem took a pretty big blow after the breakup so it's taken me awhile to even get up the nerve to meet new people in general. Two years ago I had no problem going out with my girlfriends and striking up a conversation with a cute stranger but now I find that I have to force myself to try and do that and it's rather frightening. I'm not sure how I can get back to a place where I'm comfortable with myself or maybe I'm now just realizing that I've never really been all that comfortable with being just me.

By the way, I was not wearing the outfit pictured above when I was out shopping at Sam's club. That is a Maggie London dress that I got on an awesome clearance at Von Maur a few weeks ago. It was originally $148 and I scored it for $35. Very exciting day for me that was. The shoes are a pair of 4 inch stacked colorblock heels that I got at Nine West last spring on a random 40% off sale that they happened to be having one weekend. One woman commented that she didn't know how I could walk in those heels. They are pretty comfortable because the heel is stacked but to be honest I do have to concentrate a little extra when walking in them because one wobbly step could mean a grave disaster. They are super cute though right?

Starvation Island

Today at work I became a woman that I never thought I would be. Our Assistant Director ordered pizza for our team for lunch as she does every other month in an effort to show her appreciation for our hard work. I normally bring my lunch containing some healthy, tiny, flavorless snacks in an effort to keep my weight in check but on these days I never bring my lunch since I know I will be treated to pizza. I normally partake of two healthy slices and enjoy conversation with my co-workers but today I avoided the break room at all costs. Ever since the first day of Summer I have become increasingly aware of my cellulite and all other body flaws. I have been dreaming of the lazy summer day I could spend poolside with a book and some fabulous sunnies on my face but alas my insecurity has kept me from all bodies of water since I was 18 years old. Everytime I attempt to try on a swimsuit my inner dialogue, which can at times sound alot like a bitchy high school girl, swarms my head. What will other's think of my big butt? Do normal people have this much cellulite? Will people think that I'm really an 11 year old boy with long hair because my chest is so flat?

As I spent my summer sweating it out fully clothed I came across this fabulous swimsuit pictured above in my J.Crew catalog. I have been obsessing over it most of the summer swearing that I loved it so much I would actually wear it in public if only it would go on sale. Well two days ago it did go on sale and I ordered it online in hopes to make all my summer dreams come true. Enter pizza Thursday. Now that I have the swimsuit in the back of my mind food seems to be less important as I anticipate my feelings about trying the suit on when it actually comes. As I sat there staring at 4 boxes of delicious pizza I could feel my thighs trying to burst out of my cropped pants. I decided to go and have a slice because it would have been rude not to have any since she went through the trouble of ordering it. I took the smallest slice of cheese I have ever seen Papa John's serve and sat there eating it bite after tiny bite savoring every morsel. As I watched my thinner counterparts reach for a second and third slice I sat there quietly with my hands in my lap hoping to get full off the scent of it. They tried to offer me more and I told them my teeth were hurting so I couldn't handle another piece and to my amazement they actually believed me. Truth is I did go to the dentist earlier and my teeth were still a little sore from the cleaning but not nearly enough to keep me from eating.

As the words left my mouth I realized what I had just done. I became that girl. The girl who lies about what she eats. The girl who deprives herself of what she really wants to try and meet some unrealistic goal. I could have had a second slice of pizza and easily had worked it off during my workout the next morning. I could have had a bigger piece and the world wouldn't have ended but I didn't allow myself to and I spent the rest of the afternoon hungry. How ridiculous is that? I know that I will never look like the model in the swimsuit because she is probably 6ft tall and was blessed with long legs. I am not fat by any means but I have struggled with my weight since I was a chubby little kid and I still carry most of my weight in my hip & thigh area which I've come to accept as a family curse but my beautiful cousin Jennifer who was blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with the same hips & thighs has embraced it and met and married a wonderful guy 15 years ago who loves her curves. Clearly he loves them because they have 4 children.

I have accepted that no matter how much I work out or how much more weight I loose I will still have bigger thighs although there are still times when I look at Olsen twin doppelgangers and dream of having long skinny legs. In an effort to reward myself for surviving my self imposed deprivation tomorrow I will eat my favorite pasta and even may throw in some ice cream afterwards to celebrate me. If I get up the courage to try the swimsuit on when I get it I'll let you know. Here is a picture of me in a cute Banana Republic dress I got on a random 40% sale a few months ago. I like it because of the colors of course and because it covers my lovely (cellulitey) thighs.