I Quit

As I was leaving the office early on Friday to enjoy some much needed time off I was asked a very poignant question by one of my co-workers. "Why do you spend so much time working overtime and going above and beyond when it will get you nowhere here?" Although it was asked in a very disparaging way it was a fair question. It's true that for over a year now most every day I've been arriving at work an hour early, working through much of my lunch hour, and staying at least an hour after the end of the workday.  It didn't used to be this way. When I started working there nearly 3 years ago I worked 8:00-4:30pm and seemed to get everything done that I truly needed to within that time frame. I would only occasionally work overtime which is to be expected of an exempt position. Then a year into my position, my co-worked decided to have lap band surgery which meant she would be out for 10 weeks. (You may remember her from some of my previous posts where I refer to her as lap band so for the sake of consistency I will continue to do so here.)

Initially it was quite overwhelming because she had attempted to train me for this very scenario but I never expected that she would actually take this much time off. After a few weeks playing the role of 2 employees I got used to putting in the extra hours but more importantly I became very good at my job. They even gave me a little extra money because I was taking on so much work for an extended period of time. I learned so many things that I would not have otherwise had I not been thrown into the deep end like I was. The problem was, when lap band returned from her medical leave, she never took back the duties that were meant to be handed over to me temporarily nor did I continue to receive extra pay for doing them. At first they wanted to ease her back into the daily grind so they asked me to continue to help her out while she got re-acclimated into the office. I'm not sure how long you should expect someone to do this but she most definitely did not do it within the week time frame that I expected. Over the 3 months that followed she went on 2 separate week long vacations, called in "sick" several times, and went on a series of dates thanks to her ambitious Match.com activities. This did result in her meeting the current "love of her life" who both resembles and has the social graces of Sasquatch.

Since she now had a boyfriend the quality of the little work she did began to slip. She was rarely prepared for meetings, she conveniently forgot to do half of the things assigned to her, and management could never find her in her office because she was usually down the hallway torturing a fellow co-worker with the details of her and Sasquatch's sexual escapades. In most cases you would assume that all this ridiculous behavior would result in discipline but you know what they say about those who assume. Instead of requiring more of her they just expected me to do everything she wasn't. This happened mainly because our boss has a soft spot for her thanks to the friendship they have outside the office but it also happened because I didn't object the way I should have. They began completely bypassing her to give me the most urgent assignments because they knew I would get it done and quickly at that. A part of me liked that because I began to get exposure to some of the top administrators in our organization and it gave me a chance to really shine but that hasn't amounted to anything besides the occasional "Thanks!".

I have no one but myself to blame for this. They have taken advantage of my talents and I let them but I have a habit of doing that in my personal life as well. My mom is the same way in her personal life so I learned by example, however, in her work life she took crap from no one so I got my strong work ethic from her as well just not the nerve to speak up for myself. I work at the same level as lap band but I haven't received a promotion to her title or salary. I was told that I would if they can find the budget for it. They haven't. In fact we had another employee resign months ago and they haven't refilled her position because they say they don't have the budget for it so now there are more of us on the team who are overworked and underpaid. Why do I continue to reward them with my amazing work ethic? Because I believe it's what I've been called to do at least for now. I prayed for years that God would give me the opportunity to work in this career field and after 7 years of prayer and working other jobs that I hated in hopes of getting my foot in the door somewhere, He finally gave me my chance. There's a reason I got this job and none of the others that I applied for at that time. When I accepted the job I don't think I could have fully understood all that I had signed up for but I guess the same could be said of marriage. From what my married friends tell me in marriage you come across things in the relationship that you never would imagine that you would be dealing with but you took a vow of for better or for worse so you try to work through it. That's what I've done in my current position but now I'm ready for a divorce.

I try my best to be a person of integrity so just because I work with people who are lazy doesn't mean that I have to be. I am friends with another co-worker who was put in the same situation but after seeing that she received nothing for her hard work she simply refused to do it. I don't blame her for that but I don't think it's fair that others have to suffer because of it. I have an obligation to serve the employees of our organization so while I'm here I will do that to the best of my ability. I refuse to conform to a life of complacency to prove a point. Call me divergent if you must. I don't plan to let this go on forever. As a matter of fact I had already started to plan my escape as a new year's resolution but I must admit it was mostly fantasy until now. After being asked this question staying indefinitely is no longer an option. We accept what we believe we deserve and I learned awhile ago that I deserve more than what I had been getting in love and the same is true for my career. I have a date in mind of when I plan to move out of state and plan to do so whether I have another job set up or not. This is quite scary but not nearly as frightening as staying would be. The only thing getting me through the day is knowing that I will relish in the looks on every one's faces when I tell them "I quit."

This week's obsession is a strapless bustier dress that comes to us courtesy of Alice & Olivia. It's pretty simple and very short but super cute and the leather trim adds a nice touch. I don't have the legs to pull this off nor the money as this retails at $396 but I guess it's nice knowing that this exists in all it's adorable glory.

Baby Invasion

This past week at work was the worst. We only have a staff of 20 people to meet the human resource needs of 1,500 employees and since our managers aren't aware that you can refuse someone's vacation request if other people have already requested the same days off, they allowed half of our staff to be out this week leaving us with quite the skeleton crew. Seeing as how my counterpart at work rarely does anything she's supposed to do, I am already accustomed to doing the work of 2 people so covering for another 5 felt just like any other day in our office. Things were so crazy I didn't even get to take a lunch break at all this week so my stress level was at an all time high. On Tuesday afternoon I went up to the reception area to mail out some letters and before I could make it across the room of my co-workers called out, "Stephanie come look at the baby!". I turned around and saw that they were all huddled around a woman that works across the hall and she was holding up a newborn just like Mufasa raised up baby Simba.

I was immediately annoyed because I was in the middle of working on 5 different things and I just wanted to go back to my office and scream but I put on a smile and went over there out of some unwritten obligation that is invisibly listed in every employee handbook across the country. When someone brings a baby into the office you must go and look at it. Unfortunately this unwritten rule does not specify how long one must stand there faking excitement and interest so I always awkwardly find a way to leave the situation about 2 minutes after I've arrived.

Don't get me wrong I don't feel this disdain for all babies just most. I make exceptions for the children of my close friends because I like them and don't feel like I should hold it against them that they have replaced a percentage of their love for me with the love of their child. Since I only consider about 5 people in this world close friends, my criteria for accepting other babies is quite strict. They have to be absurdly adorable, wearing designer layettes, smell like jasmine, or be the child of a celebrity. The problem I had with this particular infant was the fact that I didn't know her or her mother. I can usually feign interest in looking at the baby of someone I know but this baby was a complete random to me. To make matters worse, this child was the granddaughter of the woman from across the hall. Please note that I don't even know the woman's name. Our only interaction in the 3 years I've worked there happened a few weeks ago when she gave me a refund because the vending machine ate my dollar without giving me my fruit snacks. That is literally the extent of my relationship with her. This means that I was asked to stop what I was doing and admire a baby brought in by someone who doesn't even work here. I refuse to fawn over a child in the workplace if they aren't on an insurance plan paid for by our employer. This begs the question, why does society expect us to ooh and aah over the mere presence of a baby? If I don't know the child or didn't give birth to it why should I care otherwise?

The baby invasion didn't stop there. At church this morning our pastor brought his 17 day old grandson to the platform to show him off and to use him as an illustration for his sermon. He was trying to explain to the congregation that when we are born again as Christians we are essentially babies in our spiritual walk but we are meant to grow in our relationship with Christ just as babies grow. He made a very good point. He also stood there cradling his grandson for 20 minutes while I was trying to record the sermon notes posted behind him on the screen and all the baby lovers in the room cheered with each stretch of the baby's tiny arms. I couldn't handle it.

The worst thing someone can do is ask me if I'd like to hold a baby. First of all, I'm always surprised that any part of my demeanor makes them think that would be a good idea. I honestly equate seeing someone walking towards me holding a baby to seeing someone walk into the room with a bomb strapped to their chest. My anxiety level is exactly the same in both situations. Am I the only one? Babies wiggle around so much I could very easily drop it and what if I hurt it or worse what if it starts crying and won't stop? My ears can't handle that. What if I don't thoroughly sanitize my hands and I give it the sniffles? Babies are everywhere. In the booth next to me at Red Lobster. At the end of the aisle in Target. Hiding under the manicurist table at the spa. Sitting in a car seat on the floor at a midnight showing of Divergent. Nowhere is safe and there is nowhere to hide. How does one survive in the land of babes without the appropriate instructions and a guide?

The funny thing is if I see a puppy I squeal with delight and if that puppy is wearing an article of clothing and being tugged by a Burberry leash, I generally pass out with joy. What does that say about me? Actually don't answer that. In an effort to show that I'm not completely opposed to the existence of children, this week's obsessions are a few Easter outfits for kids compliments of Saks Fifth Avenue. These children are so perfectly polished and adorable there's no possible way that they are real. The boy is sporting Ralph Lauren from head to toe including an Oxford blazer, Oxford button up, seersucker shorts, and telly leather loafers. The entire outfit will set you back $290. As for the little girl, she is modeling a color block dress from Armani's kids collection made of beautiful Italian fabric which retails at $310. What better reason to refinance your home than to use the money to dress your children in designer labels?

X-Birthday

I hit a big milestone last week in my journey to move past the breakup with my ex. This past Thursday was his birthday and I didn't contact him via phone or any other social media. I know that doesn't sound like much but it was a big step for me. Keep in mind that he dumped me 3 years ago and up to this point I still contacted him every year on his birthday because I thought it was a nice thing to do. Last year I even brought him a gift and had a friend of mine that still works with him hand deliver it impeccably gift wrapped to him. It was a lifestyle book written by a contributor to GQ magazine and it gave tips on how to be and dress like a gentleman in the modern world. He texted me a thank you (how chivalrous) and asked if it was a subtle dig. It was but I also felt it was an extension of my amazing fashion sense. I know I'm an idiot for doing that but don't worry I still loathe myself for it.

During the 2 years we were together he was the luckiest bastard alive when it came to receiving gifts. We had only been dating one month when we first celebrated his birthday so we went to dinner at Cheddar's and he paid. I did get him a card but didn't feel obligated to get him anything else. Looking back I wish I would have continued to feel that way cause it would have saved me a lot of money. When he came back to my place later that night we shared our first kiss so in hindsight that was actually the best gift of all. The next year I got him a brand new Coach wallet as if a man needs a designer piece of leather to keep his money safe and warm in his back pocket. We women of course need designer handbags because they are an extension of our outfits and always serve as a conversation starter if it's a stunner. Totally different. I believe I also got him some cologne because he is obsessed with smelling good so I always made sure to get him a new one on birthdays and holidays. He loves getting the newest scent from whatever major fashion house is releasing one at the time which was always surprising to me because he is the cheapest man I've ever met.

I always love to give the perfect gift so buying nice gifts wasn't just about him. I get such a strong sense satisfaction from seeing a loved one receive a gift from me and get excited just from seeing the packaging. When they open the gift and grin from ear to ear because I got something that shows how well I know them it's like my very existence is validated. The best of course is bringing an ostentatious baby gift to a shower and having everyone gasp when the mother-to-be opens it. I feel like saying "Your welcome" to everyone for creating such a special yet unnecessary moment at a party celebrating a fetus. I mean what infant really needs to wear Ralph Lauren? Mine of course but since my uterus is not familiar with pregnancy I gift the luxury to other mothers who are brave enough to give birth and take on the responsibility of raising a human.

I never had an actual boyfriend before my relationship with the ex so being able to get a gift for "my man" was very exciting to me. I would always hear about these surprise parties and special plans that my friends would make for the men in their lives and I would take copious mental notes already preparing myself for the day I would meet a great guy worthy of doing that for. I wanted to believe that I had met that guy so I went out of my way to plan little surprise birthday parties at work for him that included me driving an hour and a half just to get the best cookie cake in the area and having it decorated in the colors of his favorite sports team, taking him to the city and indulging him in a mini shopping spree at an upscale mall, paying for dinner at his favorite restaurants, unfortunately the list goes on and on and it makes me very sad. I imagine he probably did stay with me a few months longer than he had intended just to get some more nice things and to make things worse at the time I was ok with that because I thought it would lead to something more but I'm putting that in the past and now we are moving upward and onward or something like that. Today I was told by a 27 year old douche bag that at 31 years old I am already past my prime and as I get older I fear that the odds of me meeting a great guy worthy of all this work declines everyday as does the collagen in my face. Now that I think about it, I should just date myself because at least I know I will be well taken care of.

This week's obsession is this beautiful Cameron Dress in Stripe Silk Organza from where else but my beloved J. Crew. After searching high and low for the perfect dress to wear on Easter I decided on buying this dress to wear on Easter Sunday. It came in the mail last week and it is quite stunning in person. These days people dress pretty casually to church so I will likely stand out in this piece but I think it will be for all the right reasons. Now I am on the hunt for some cute heels to go with it which surprisingly has been harder than I thought. The stores haven't released their best sandals yet even though it's Spring Break season so hopefully they will be unveiling some new stuff in the next week or two. I normally go for a cute wedge because those allow for comfortable wear all day but this dress calls for a slimmer heel that will probably kill my feet after 2 hours of wear but I will cry tears of joy if they look fierce.

Shut the F Up

Recently I've become painfully aware of my increasingly high tolerance for profanity. I grew up in a Christian home where my mother was wary of letting me listen to anything but contemporary Christian music and soft rock. Once I reached my teens she loosened the reigns a little bit and I was allowed to listen to the secular music station although let's face it I used to listen to it well before then I'd just change the station whenever she entered the room. With the freedom to listen to Satan's music also came relaxed rules when it came to movies. She let me watch Clueless when it first came out which really opened the door wide open to my obsession with designer labels and pop culture in general.

Of course with all of this society acceptable entertainment came some cursing here and there. It has been ingrained in me from birth not to curse or to tolerate cursing. Like even the word damn would be banned in my house and technically I don't think that is a curse word. Anyways, I tried to be cool and pretend not to care or notice when I would hear a bad word but inside it was like a dagger to my soul just as my mother intended. Slowly but surely I became more immune to it and even fantasized about actually saying a bad word myself just to fit in with the other church kids rebelling against their parents by listening to unedited rap and rock albums but I never did. After awhile the only word that still got a rise out of me was the F word because for some reason people deem that the worst one of all. To me shit would be the worse curse word of them all because it's synonymous with feces and I personally believe that people should never be talking about it unless they are explaining a physical issue to their primary care physician.

Fast forward to present day when I will publicly admit to having a favorite curse word and that word is the F word. Notice that I still refrain from typing the full word out simply out of respect for my mother who will never read this because she doesn't know what a blog is. After my breakup with the dreaded ex the reality of life became so harsh I no longer could filter my true feelings about anything. That's when my general acceptance of cursing came full circle. In general I still don't curse very often and most of the time it's still under my breath to myself out of respect to those around me. I also don't ever say God dammit because I don't believe that God should be damned just because I'm having a bad day. Besides I find that most people rely to much on cursing instead of using the vocabulary they spent $40,000 perfecting in college. However when I am in the company of friends that I know appreciate and engage in such realness of speech, I do let the profanity fly and I feel safe. The art of cursing appropriately is quite delicate and hard to balance but I think I've mastered it. The key is to only pull out your favorite profane word when you're feeling very passionate about whatever it is you're responding to and you've planned it for perfect comedic timing. You must always curse sparingly if you choose to curse at all.

It wasn't until going to see a performance of Jersey Boys that I realized how tolerant I'd become of cursing. I took my mom to see the show as a part of her Christmas present because she has been dying to see if for years but neither one of us were prepared for the amount of cursing they had in it. She seemed to flinch a little at times with some of the crude language but she loved the music so much she didn't even seem to care. I on the other hand laughed every time they cursed because they nailed the comedic timing of it and because it no longer phases me. As a side note, if you ever get the opportunity to see this show I highly recommend it. I imagine that when my Christian friends read this they will read me the riot act and say that I am being a bad influence in a medium that is being viewed by a lost world. That isn't entirely untrue as I readily admit to encouraging my fellow fashionistas to go without eating a meal or two before ever passing up the chance to snag a fabulous piece of clothing or a must have accessory that is out of your budget if the Spirit or Rachel Zoe leads you to do so. I don't however believe that it's ruining my witness to others because I'm being honest. I'm not exactly sure how God feels about this nasty little habit that I've acquired but I imagine that if I'm actively doing my best to do whatever it is He's called me to do He'll let a few F bombs slide right?

Today's obsession is this fit and flare strapless bridesmaid dress I just bought from J. Crew as a part of some random promotion they were running this weekend. No I am not going to be in a wedding this summer but I fell in love with the silhouette and the gorgeous color. There are hundreds of ways you could easily style this so I know I will get a lot of wear out of it. Unfortunately it's back ordered until July but given the current Polar Vortex we've been experiencing I don't expect the weather to adequately warm up until around then. Also, the description of it online says it twirls quite nicely on the dance floor and if you know me at all you know that I've never met a dance floor that I didn't like.