The big 3-0

So I've been 30 for a whole 11 days and I must say that so far it's been rather underwhelming. I only have myself to blame for that though. My actual birthday was pretty cool if I do say so myself and I have to because I spent the entire day on my own. I got up at 4am to complete my daily hour long Jillian Michaels workout and get ready for my self-imposed day of relaxation & quiet celebration. I left the house at 7am so I could make the nearly two hour drive to St. Louis where I had a 10am appointment at the Four Seasons Spa & Salon. As you know I originally had wanted to spend a week in Las Vegas for my 30th birthday. The funds I needed to successfully pull that off never magically appeared as I had hoped so I decided to do something a little closer to home. It has always been a dream of mine to stay at a Four Seasons hotel because everyone who's anyone stays there and I of course am someone who appreciates nice things. I wasn't quite ready to shell out the money for a full night's stay so I opted for a day at the spa instead. From the moment I called to schedule my appointment they treated me like American royalty. Even when they called the day before to confirm my appointment the receptionist gushed at how excited they were to have me join them for my birthday.

They suggested I come 30 minutes early to allow for proper check-in. I arrived at exactly 9am not because I was so anxious to get there but because I honestly thought I would get lost trying to find the hotel downtown & I didn't want to be late. I pulled up to a gorgeous modern looking building were a doorman and a bellhop were waiting. A tall gentleman opened my car door and with a smile said "Good morning and welcome to the Four Seasons. What brings you in today?" I told him I had an appointment at the spa and he told me what floor to go to and gave me my valet ticket. Yes, I had my car valeted & everyone must do this at least once in their life. It was so convenient to pull up to the front door hand over my keys and walk into opulence as if I had no cares in the world. I went to the elevators of which there were 3, stepped inside to see a television there, & a voice over the intercom that announces each floor as you reach it. The voice informed my that I had  reached the 7th floor which held the spa & I was greeted by two ladies dressed in all black who were more than prepared for my early arrival.

After I checked-in, one of them showed me to the locker room which contained a row of lockers each with its own electronic lock allowing the user to enter any 4 digit code to lock it. The key of course is remembering the 4 numbers you locked it with even 5 minutes after doing so which I almost completely forgot. She also showed me to the bathrooms, changing rooms, showers, & makeup room which were all fully stocked with any amenity you could ever need. Just past those rooms were the whirlpool, sauna, & two relaxation rooms all open to my use. She handed me a giant terry cloth robe, some slippers, & a plastic bag to put my swimsuit in after use & told me that my masseuse Robyn would meet me in the relaxation room promptly at 10am to take me for my treatment.

I was the only person in the spa so I put on my yellow J. Crew bikini, turned on the jets, & climbed into the whirlpool for 30 minutes of solitude. The jets felt fantastic and I allowed my mind to drift far away from work & all other stressors in my life. I grabbed my US Weekly and went to the relaxation room to wait for Robyn. I poured myself a glass of cucumber water & read the spa menu so I could get an idea of what I wanted to have later for my birthday lunch. As I was flipping through my magazine & reading birthday messages I received on Facebook, two women came in and sat down next to me to wait for their treatments to begin. One of them I had just met in the locker room & she complimented me on my cute bags (one of them my Kate Spade zebra print purse & the other a polk-a-dot bag I had gotten years ago at The Limited that I was using to hold my clothes). We exchanged pleasant conversation for a few moments. They were regulars and told me I was in for a real treat.

After I emerged from the spa with new skin and a hairless face I ordered lunch which consisted of a strawberry lemonade, a turkey sandwich made on toasted wheat bread with avocado, bacon, & a special spicy spread, & homemade potato chips served warm. After spending nearly 5 hours of heaven at the spa I headed to the ritzy shopping center to drop the remainder of my paycheck at J. Crew & Kate Spade. I felt a mini shopping spree was the best way to end the day. I won't disclose exactly how much I spent but my birthday splurge included: a pair of green linen pants, a pair of plum colored cropped pants, a brightly colored & flowered scarf, a bright yellow skirt, a bright yellow embellished tank, a pair of bright yellow suede ballet flats (see a yellow obsessed pattern here?) a new straw purse for summer, a new wallet to go with the new purse, & an IPhone case for the new phone I had yet to receive. I did have a 20% off coupon for Kate Spade so I feel like my spending there was somewhat justified. Pics to come.

I came home to find a balloon bouquet and a cake with Justin Bieber's face all over it from my parents. I never ended up having a birthday dinner with family or friends and I didn't get to go on an amazing trip but I did have that one day of relaxation & reflection. I got to start out this new chapter in my life with new clothes, a new bag, & a new outlook on life. Every time I am asked to do something that causes fear within me, I have begun to ask myself why I am so afraid and decide to simply try it anyway because what's the worst that could really happen? Just another tidbit I learned from Oprah. Oh and yes the ex did text me to wish me a happy birthday and I'm still not sure what to make of that.

Cute outfit Sunday

I rocked this cuteness this morning. The nautical shirt & denim skirt are both J.Crew from a few seasons ago and the shoes are Coach and happen to be my favorite pair.

I also scored a fabulous pair of purple trouser pants at a J.Crew final sale about 3 weeks ago and was finally able to break them out for work. I got a few questioning stares from my co-workers but I think the outfit was a success! It would have been perfect if I had the right color of espadrilles to pair with them.

30? Say it ain't so!

Well we are T minus 6 days until my 30th birthday and I'm really starting to freak out about it. I thought that I had a good handle on everything. I planned to take that day off of work and spend the day relaxing & treating myself to some pampering so that I wouldn't really think about it then yesterday I get a card in the mail. It was from a former co-worker of my mom and it was in a pink envelope. I got excited to open it because I knew it must be a birthday card and it was my favorite color. I tore open the envelope and there it was in giant colorful letters Happy 30th Birthday. I am fully aware of what birthday this is but seeing it on paper made it real all of the sudden. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I usually display all of my birthday cards on the dresser for at least a week but this time I shoved the card back into the envelope and hid it.

I know I sound like a crazy person but I really couldn't handle it. It's like I've been trying to run away from it but somehow it found me. It's inevitable that I will get older. People turn 40, 50, even 60 and still seem to be living their lives and enjoying it so why can't I get past 3-0? I know exactly why so I don't know why I pretend not to know. I am mourning the loss of my 20's because there are so many things I wish I would have done in the past 9 years but I didn't. I made mistakes, I didn't take risks, at times I was scared of my own shadow and ashamed to be myself. It was only within the last year that I finally began to understand that I was not living an authentic life and that the only thing standing in the way of my true happiness was me. I've been on quite the journey of self revelation and I have to say I'm beginning to like the person that I really am underneath all of the labels I've been given from other people throughout my life.

I've tried to come up with a list of things I have done in the past 29 years so I wouldn't feel so defeated. So far I've listed that I have a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, & I think that I have a good sense of humor. Ironically enough when I listed those things the first thought that came to my mind was the fact that I haven't used those degrees in the way I had planned and humor is subject to the audience in which you're addressing. I have to stop that. Here are the facts, I have two degrees and I graduated with honors with both of them and I am proud of that. No they haven't yet gotten me where I planned to go but I know that they will because I'm currently laying the groundwork for a successful career with the job that I spent 7 years trying to get. In my opinion I am a humorous person because I can find the humor &/or irony in almost everything. I laugh at myself often & not that it matters, but other people have told me that I'm funny. Doesn't that sound self-affirming? I learned that from Iyanla Vanzant circa Oprah. I will need to come up with more than that I think to make it through my actual birthday but this is a good start. I wonder how other people have dealt with this. I know there is still time for me to meet my goals and live the life I've dreamed so why can't I accept this age?

Cute outfit Sunday

This skirt was one of my spring faves that I snagged for $40 on J.Crew's extra 30% off sale last week. I'm head to toe J.Crew today. I know, I know I should incorporate other designers but sometimes they just get it right and I have to stay committed for the whole outfit. The weather in the Midwest has been uncharacteristically beautiful the past few weeks so more spring fashions to come!

Caught Off Guard

I truly believe that the coolest thing about each day we're given on this earth is the fact that at the start of the day you have no idea what the day will bring. You plan to go on vacation but your flight gets canceled. You went to sleep not knowing how to pay an unexpected bill and you wake up with a phone call from a family member giving you money because they just knew you needed it. Good and bad things that you don't plan on happening simply happen sometime and it's always interesting to see how people deal with the unexpected.

My Sunday was very typical. I went to church with my mom and then I went into work for a few hours because I was covering for a co-worker who is vacationing on a cruise ship somewhere. I stopped by Panera on the way home to get my current favorite meal Fuji apple chicken salad and chicken tortilla soup with green tea and a giant chocolate chip cookie. I settled in at home, ate my lunch, and snuggled up in a blanket on the couch as I had planned on falling into a peaceful napping state while watching the Pop-up Video edition of Jersey Shore when I got a text from my ex that said:

"I know things didn't end up the way we imagined, but I wanted you to know that I really miss the positive person that you are and I hate the way that I just let you go. I shouldn't have been afraid of how I felt. I regret how I handled a lot of things. I don't know why I'm babbling, but I wanted you to know that you had more of an impact on me than I thought possible. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it. You are an amazing person and I'm an ass and a dumb one at that."

How on earth do I respond to that? I've spent an entire year trying to get over him. He broke up with me in an email so it's fitting that he apologize over a text message I suppose. The thing is this whole time I believed that I was in the relationship by myself. I poured my heart out to him and he did not reciprocate. I took a new job and left town and it didn't seem to phase him at all. I've worn out copies of all my Adele cd's, singlehandedly kept the Kleenex corporation in business crying into their tissues for hours at a time, and I can sing the lyrics to Sara Bareilles Gravity in my sleep. I finally began to heal and feel like I had grown from the pain that was the dissolution of our relationship and then he finally says to me everything that I wished he would have said when I walked out that door 6 months ago.

I thought I would yell or scream and curse him like I had always imagined myself doing. I spent 20 minutes thinking of how to respond and then I realized that so many women who go through a breakup like this never get an apology. I was lucky. I thought that he didn't care when all this time he did. I felt relieved because I was finally able to confirm that it really wasn't me it was him all along and I can be free. I told him that I appreciated hearing his words because I did and he went on to say that he had been very depressed since my departure and had bottled everything up inside so he had to get it off his chest. Did hearing this make me happy? No it didn't because as hurt as I was a part of me still cares about him and probably always will. But I will admit I took a little pleasure in hearing that.

Of course now you're wondering what this all means and quite frankly so am I. The day I found out through friends that he was interested in me was at the time the most beautifully unexpected moment of my life up to that point but 3 years later look what that has gotten me. He didn't say that he wanted to get back together with me nor did he say that he wanted to speak to me in person or over the phone to further explain himself and I really think he should have. There is so much that was left unsaid and I have so many questions but I was so grateful for the apology that I didn't push him for anything more. It's possible that he does this to all his past girlfriends and plays the apology game when he decides he wants them back. It's also very possible that he was being sincere.

Have I gone back and read that text message 25 times analyzing every single word? You know I have. I have not decided what I should do next. Should I invite him to Starbucks for a chat? Do I wait for him to come crawling back? Do I just ignore what he said and walk away? I honestly don't know what to do. So much has happened I can't even begin to list the changes that would have to take place in order to have a healthy relationship with him so for now I will do nothing and wait for the next unexpected event because sometimes life just decides for you.

Outfit of the Day

Love this outfit so thought I would share it. Teddie Dress in decadent red & suede prong belt both from J. Crew. Buckle boots Madden Girl.

A few finds

My 5 inch colorblock heels came today! These have been the bright spot to an otherwise gloomy Saturday as the high today was only 35 degrees. I cannot wait to take these girls for a spin in the Spring weather!

I also was able to get the crystal braided belt from J.Crew that I've been dying to have since November. They got some more sizes in during their winter sale a few weeks ago so I snagged this beauty for $30.

Here are two colorful outfits I put together during our very mild winter. Hoping to put these sweaters and Uggs away for several months if the weather will cooperate.

My spring wardrobe must have list is getting longer & longer each day so more pictures to come as sale prices roll in :)