Plan B

So I started out my week attending a meeting which was scheduled with a work purpose but ended up being a brainstorming session for my co-worker's Match.com user name. I wish I was joking, but the chair of the meeting actually indulged her for about 2 minutes while everyone (I would have suggested flexible&shedding78) gave their idea of a user name that would garner the attention of respectable men. Wonderful. As if she needs anymore attention. This co-worker who in previous posts I have referred to as The Sleeve, is now down about 65 pounds and talks about it in some capacity everyday even though it's physically evident to everyone. The reason she had this surgery in the first place was to increase her chances of fertility. She is in her mid 30's with no spouse or children and her biological clock is getting unbearably loud so now she is beginning to put her plan B into place.

Plan B is the plan that everyone makes so they will have something to fall back on if their dreams don't come true. We start this contingency plan in infancy. We cry our eyes out knowing that our caregiver will come to our rescue with a bottle or comfortable napping arrangements. We stop this when our caregiver insists that we feed and clothes ourselves as we grow older and make a general outline for how we want our life to go. When the reality of life hits and life isn't as amazing at 22 like we thought, that is when we create a more solid plan B. For a lot of women this involves going for a Master's or PhD in an effort to make more money so the cash can keep you warm at night when a husband or children cannot. But then of course there's the overachieving wives who are in an executive position in their career and work on their Master's while 6 months pregnant with their 2nd child making all of us singles look bad.

I myself don't really have a plan B because I never really had a solid plan A. As a child I just thought that things happen naturally. You graduate high school, go to college and major in something that interests you, while in college or graduate school you meet a guy that makes all high school crushes pale in comparison, then you marry him and have 2.5 kids while working your way up the corporate ladder. I honestly believed this is how things would happen for me but then the worst happened. I came home from college without a ring or a man. In my culture (the culture of middle class Christians residing in a Midwestern town of roughly 150,000 people) if you are a woman and aren't married by 25 you are considered a spinster. I believe they used to burn you at the stake but they got too many complaints about the smell of burning flesh coming from the town square. I've been getting the pity stares for years now but instead of creating a real plan B that I could spout off in response to the question "Why don't you lower your standards and date my creepy cousin so we can double date?" I just began dressing better in an effort to further confuse people as to the reason for my current singledom. I also laugh at their small-mindedness alot.

The Sleeve wants a baby more than anything so much so that I thought she was seriously considering adoption in the near future. Apparently she is now planning to go the more traditional route and meet a mate before starting a family. As with most everything she says and does, I am finding this process most entertaining. I am sympathetic with her plight. She's a kind, smart, generous woman that has dated some real losers and deserves to meet a nice man that will treat her well. Her plan is pretty straightforward. Step one, lose 100 pounds. Step two, meet a man on Match.com. Step three, pray he makes enough money so I can quit my job after the wedding but 3 years before having kids so I can be super prepared/trophy wife. Step four, have a baby boy and name it Kayden, Ayden, or Jayden. Step five, sell my house and buy a house next door to my parents so my mother can meddle properly. Step six, have a baby girl and name it Gracie, Sophie, or AshLee. Step seven, don't die alone. I'm not really sure how this is going to pan out but I can guarantee she will fill me in on every single detail.

My obsession this week surrounds this Eliza J fit and flare dress I found at Nordstroms. Although it's still several weeks away, I am already on the hunt for my Easter dress. For Christian folk Easter is like the Oscars so people generally come to church on Easter Sunday in their best. I would say that I dress for Jesus but He knows that I would be lying and may set me ablaze otherwise so I will admit that on Easter I dress in hopes of snatching a compliment away from all those freakin' kids in adorable suits and dresses with matching hats. Anyways, I think this may be the winner for this year's Easter dress but I'm still keeping my options open. I have a pair of patent leather peep-toe heels that I would pair with it to give me legs for days but more importantly a bright pink belt, preferably with a bow, is a must so I have to find that first. Where can I find that, Lily Pulitzer maybe? She's always good for that.

 

 

 

Super Nap Sunday

We are already 33 days into 2013 and I am just now getting around to writing my first blog post of the year. My commitment to my job is really beginning to ruin my social networking. My apologies to all 3 of my faithful readers. My life has taken a turn to a whole new level of bizarreness. On Monday I was invited to a Super Bowl party. Yes I'm serious. If you know me, have met me, or have eyes, you would assume that I would be completely out of place at any type of sports themed event. I know very little about sports but I believe I can accurately conclude that the Super Bowl is the biggest event of the year for a sports lover. Every other status update I read is in reference to their excitement or misery about the teams playing in the big game tomorrow and recipes found on Pinterest that hostesses are swapping with each other. The two ladies who invited me are the hostesses of the small group I belong to at church. One of them is very athletically inclined and actually coaches a softball team so I'm led to believe that she actually cares about this event. The other is a fairly girl girl much like myself but admitted to going only going for the food and fellowship which brings me to my next point, I don't know that I believe that most women actually like football.

Now don't accuse me of being sexist because no one is more supportive of a woman doing whatever the hell she sets her mind to than me. If women want to do things that are typically thought of as male activities more power to them but whenever I see a woman at a football game I always wonder if she's really enjoying herself or if she's daydreaming about the things she could be doing if she hadn't told her boyfriend/fiance/husband/crush that she loves football. Oh the things we do to attract a man. I once told a guy in high school that I was crushing harder than my chair (I was chubby then) that I liked basketball and actually chose a team to proclaim was my favorite. To my surprise I had picked a team that was good but he never took an interest in me. I can't believe I sat through Space Jam for nothing.

In my memory I've only been to 4 football games in my life and each one was a homecoming game during my college years. I only went because everyone on campus went and it would be creepy to stay in the dorms alone. The tradition was to do a little tailgating beforehand and then proceed to sit through a 3-4 hour game in which one year it was so cold I honestly thought 3 of my toes had completely been frozen off. Since I went to a Christian school we didn't have the advantage of drinking alcoholic beverages before or during the game, unless of course you snuck in a flask (tisk, tisk Gabby) so I had to endure each and every moment of that experience completely sober. I will admit that if I was forced to choose between watching a game on tv or actually going to the game being their live does make things a little better because it's hard not to get caught up in the excitement when you are surrounded by a large group of people and your team is winning. The problem for me is I know absolutely nothing about the rules of the game so I never knew if things were going well or terribly wrong. I vowed to cheer when the person next to me cheered and boo whenever they booed. The entire atmosphere is bizarre. People were actually saying things to me like "Can you believe that call?" Once I decided that I couldn't believe it since I didn't know what it meant nor did I care, I simply replied in my most offended voice "No way, unbelievable!"

I have girlfriends that have actually told me they're excited that their spouses spent their tax return on season tickets to their alma mater's football games instead of a trip somewhere tropical or an obscenely over-priced handbag. I even have a girlfriend that gets so excited about baseball spring training she starts a countdown to it each year. What has happened to these women? Their love may be a result of a favorite pastime they spent with their father or grandfather. Many of them love entertaining so hosting a sports party is the perfect way to invite people into your home to show off your cooking skills. Perhaps they used to be a cheerleader and miss being on the sidelines taking in every moment of the game. Some of them maybe knew that they have the physical prowess to actually play on a team with the guys but were denied the chance so they live vicariously through the players. There are also a group of women who are simply in denial. They know it's the only way they will have the chance to spend time with their men during the season so they put on that hideous jersey and spend their Sundays screaming at referees through the television set telling themselves that they love it.

Whatever their reason, I hope everyone enjoys their Super Bowl Sunday. I plan to spend mine napping and watching last week's episode of Girls and Nashville on DVR. I'm actually really excited about that. I may dump some little weenies into a pot of BBQ sauce and put toothpicks in them in honor of my fellow females who will have a group of men in their basement sitting in front of a big screen (purchased for sporting events but mainly used for watching Keeping Up with the Kardashian marathons) and eating them out of house and home.

This week on my style radar are boots because let's face it, the best ones are ridiculously expensive and now is the time of year to get them on sale. I fell in love with these Bandolino beauties back in November but they were $120. Forget that. I have been silently stalking them ever since and to my surprise my mother found them for $58.56 and bought them for me. They are now a part of my ever growing collection with plans to pair them with grey tights and a Jade colored shift dress. Pictures to come.....

If Every Kiss Begins with Kay, I'm Screwed

Christmas for the single gal can be almost as difficult as Valentine's Day. On a daily basis my TV is filled with jewelry store commercials reminding me of the ring or diamonds I won't be getting, Hallmark movie plots where the hardworking single gal/single mom gets the gorgeous doctor/toy maker/Santa impersonator in the end, and clothing ads for sparkly dresses meant for New Year's Eve when the midnight kiss I've always dreamed of is planted on another lucky girl. It seems to get harder to face as I've gotten older. I used to be hopeful that one year my Christmas experience would be different and I would have someone special to share it with. For two years I had someone to buy gifts for and I was excited and went overboard. The 1st year he didn't get me anything besides a thank you for my generosity then the second year he got me a blender and a lotion set from  The Body Shop whose scent he thought I would like. I actually did want a blender so I could make smoothies so I can't claim that he was clueless because he listened to me. I got him cashmere lined leather gloves, a gift set of Justin Timberlake's new cologne (which make him uncharacteristically excited), and some Nike workout gear. I had nailed it. I got him everything he loved but never knew he wanted. I am known for my thoughtful and impeccable gift giving skills and I am sure he expected nothing less. It was fun at the time, but now the sting of knowing that he never truly cared about me ruins those memories....that and knowing that he probably still wears those gloves and claims to forget who gave them to him.

It is very easy to sink into a deep depression as I look around and see all the young happy families excited and preparing for Christmas as I struggle to put up my Charlie Brown artifical tree by myself but then I was reminded that there are plenty of people who aren't in a happy family or who don't expect to get anything for Christmas. Last year my mother invited a woman into her home for Christmas named Marie. She is a developmentally disabled adult but is able to work and live on her own. She is a member of our church and the friends that she would usually spend the holiday with were out of town and my mother knew that she would be alone otherwise. After service that Christmas morning, we invited her to have brunch with us at Ihop which was the only restaurant open. They were short staffed so it took awhile for us to get our food but it didn't matter because we were in good company. We had great conversation over brunch then we invited her back to my parents' home to open gifts and watch a few Christmas shows. After the gifts had been opened, we took her to the movie theatre to see the new Muppet's movie as it is our tradition to go to the movies after opening gifts and we had a great time enjoying the movie over soda and popcorn. When we dropped her off at her apartment I wondered what her day would have been like had we not invited her to spend Christmas with us. I doubt that she was worried about getting an expensive gift from a cute guy or would even complain because her favorite pie wasn't served during Christmas dinner. She was just happy that someone included her in their holiday celebration.

After being convicted over my feelings of sadness, I decided to spend all of my energy pouting into giving back to my community. I signed up to buy gifts for the special needs adults at my church. They all live in various group homes in town but one of our faitful church members goes out every Sunday morning to pick them up and bring them to church. As I looked through the cards of items they were requesting I found that they were all things that they needed and not just frivolous items they wanted. I also saw that the Hope School was collecting gifts for their children. This school is for disabled children that offers educational and residential services. Some families just leave their kids there and I'm sure they wouldn't receive any gifts otherwise. I took a couple of cards and was humbled by the fact that they were asking for such simple things. One wanted a coat, the other wanted a football, and another a Kidz Bop CD. When I was their age I'm pretty sure I asked for an entire Barbie village including a car, a mansion, and 3 or 4 different Barbies. I felt good getting those gifts but then I went to work and found that there were 3 different charities that out department would be donating things too. For a second, I selfishly thought to myself "Geez how charitable do I need to be" but I knew that I could afford to give more so I signed up to bring items for those charities as well. Much like the Grinch, I think my heart grew 3 times that day and I appreciate all the little things so much more. I wasn't present when the individuals received the gifts but I have an overwhelming sense of peace that they were very appreciated.

Not surprisingly, in the midst of all my shopping for others in need, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. Christmas day has come and gone yet again without a man but I survived it and got some generously loaded gift cards to some of my favorite restaurants so I really can't complain. Besides, anything that I truly wanted I gifted myself whenever a 40% off sale popped up in my inbox. The first picture above is of me in a J. Crew tartan mini skirt which does have matching shoes that were too expensive for my budget but still sold out so I am currently stalking the website to see if they happen to get a pair in my size back in stock when they go on sale. The little nifty heart sweater was a factory store find a week before Thanksgiving and I paired it with a purple blazer I snatched up at half-price after all my discounts. All my favorite stores have already started sending out their Spring catalogues so now I have to decide if I should save my money for that or attack the end of season sales now. I suppose if I had a man he would frown upon such a "dilemma" and I would never hear the end of it so I will appreciate my single status simply for that fact.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I am in a daily battle with my self-esteem and this week was quite a struggle. I must say that I feel pretty good about myself until I leave my house. I haven't yet mastered the art of maintaining confidence in myself when faced with a beautiful woman. I guess I should start out by saying that my current celebrity obsession is supermodel Chrissy Tiegen pictured above. Isn't she stunning? I see hundreds of beautiful women every month as I flip through some of my favorite fashion magazines but Chrissy stands out from all of them. At first I knew her as the delicious arm candy of one of my favorite artists John Legend but then I began to follow her on Twitter and found that she's more than just a pretty face. She's charitable, intelligent, a gourmet chef in training, and has an amazing sense of humor. She's self-deprecating which I can appreciate but it's hard to believe that someone who looks like that could ever look at her own reflection and not smile. I imagine that everyone has some insecurity. Chrissy was on Fashion Police and invited Joan Rivers into her West Coast home that she shares with John. As they were going through her amazing walk-in closet she tried on some bikinis from her swimsuit line, as models do, and she complained that she wished her legs were longer.

Some would say that I have nothing to complain about since I'm not overweight or completely unfortunate looking but that certainly won't keep me from whining. I've always felt that my eyes are too big although they always tell me that's a good thing whenever I visit a makeup counter. I carry a pocket of fat around my kneecaps and I carry all my weight in my hips & thighs so it's nearly impossible for me to carry off that long leg look when I wear skirts. To top it all off I have flat feet a wonderful trait I inherited from my father so although I'm only 5'5" I wear a size 9 1/2 and people always stare at my feet in horror (which plays into my foot phobia) when I wear flip flops so I only do so when getting a pedicure. While I have spent most of the summer worshipping at the altar of Ms. Tiegen I seemed to have forgotten that she is human which means that she may do something that I don't agree with. As the days to the election drew closer she began to make a series of disparaging tweets badmouthing the candidate she wasn't voting for and anyone who was planning on voting for him. I could have found it somewhat humorous except for the fact that I'm fairly sure she wasn't joking. It really came off as childish and close-minded which is unfortunate because I thought she was so cool. I personally didn't make any public statements about who I was voting for because I feel it's more important to promote exercising your right to vote and staying informed about what is going on in our government. I don't have a problem with people talking politics and being passionate about it. Quite frankly I didn't think that either candidate was stellar but I am always open to hearing other people's views because I always learn something. I also have never voted along party lines so there are normally things I like about both candidates but I did choose the one I felt would do the best for our country. Needless to say as beautiful I still believe Chrissy is I can't say that I still wish I were her which is probably a good thing. Oh please who am I kidding? She could have written in a vote for Satan and I would still die to be her. Please negate everything I just said. I will forgive and completely forget. I am full on obsessed with her once again. Damn you Chrissy.

Unfortunately for me there are still plenty of non-celebrities that I look up to for all the wrong reasons. For example, I was in Von Maur the other day buying this fabulous Nine West dress (pictured below) that was originally priced at $129 but I was snagging it up for $27 and the girl in front of me at the checkout counter was taking a long time. Normally I don't mind waiting in line for a little while to get a great deal but I was a little irritable that day because I was hungry and really wanted to get out of there and get a frosted covered calorie-laden cookie at Mrs. Fields. The girl turned around to apologize for the time she was taking but I could hardly be mad at her because she was a vision. She was 5'4" and barely tipped the scales at 98lbs. She had long flowing blonde hair, perfectly tanned skin, liquid leather leggings, brand new Tory Burch flats with a matching clutch, and a blinged out I-phone. Her problem was that she had picked out a sparkly netted tunic top almost identical to the one she was wearing and there was a snag in the fabric so she wanted the sales associate to see if they had another in her size that she could buy instead. Since she was paying full price for this item I too would have wanted the same thing. I told her it was fine but in my head I was thinking "Anyone who looks like that doesn't have to apologize for anything". I of course felt like I was dressed like a homeless person in comparison to her when in reality I had on a very chic casual Saturday shopping outfit that other patrons in the store actually complimented me on. She looked cute and so did I. There doesn't have to be a winner but unfortunately as women we have a habit of competing on everything instead of supporting and celebrating each other. I won't lie a part of me still wishes I looked like Chrissy Tiegen or Miss Tory Burch but I need to accept the fact that I never will but also realize that it's ok to look like the best version of myself because that's who God created me to be.

Auditing My Life

This week we had auditors come to our office to perform their biennial audit of our HR department. 6 months ago I was selected as the unfortunate individual who would coordinate these 3 days of hell. At the time I thought that they chose me because I had proven myself to be trustworthy and capable of such a large undertaking. Preparing for a departmental audit takes several months of preparation as they request record of all 1300 of our employees including a large sampling of position descriptions, personnel files, and a list of employees to interview while they are at our office. I had help gathering all of this information from other members of our team because they all deal with different areas of our organization and only they would know where to find what I needed. I must say it was difficult scheduling time to meet with each person to go over my list and pull the information because we are already stretched pretty thin but literally the day before all of the pre-audit information was due I got everything together and sent it in.

I was feeling pretty good about myself because I had completed half the battle and then 3 days before the auditors were to arrive I sat in a meeting with my supervisor, one of our assistant directors, and our executive director to go over the audit schedule and discuss any topics we thought the auditors might want to discuss while they were here. Towards the end of the meeting our executive director thanked me for putting everything together noting that they have had someone different take on this task each time because everyone hates doing it. So yet again I was assigned a task I thought was important only to find out that I was told to do it because no one else wanted to.

Initially her comment really took the wind out of my sails because I worked really hard to organize all that crap but then I realized, since I would be escorting the auditors around I would literally be the face of our department and I wanted to leave a positive impression. Regardless of how little everyone else cared I put together 3 killer outfits that I felt made me look equal parts professional and fashionable and I became the hostess with the most-est. I ordered them lunch from their favorite restaurant, I answered all their questions, I escorted them all over campus, sat in on their meetings to take notes, I even got the opportunity to schmooze with them in between meetings and I think they actually enjoyed my company. They gave their initial results yesterday and everything came back outstanding and they even publicly thanked me for having everything so organized. Afterwards my supervisor actually thanked me for a job well done and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief that it was over.

Unfortunately as soon as that all ended I had to go into the office for 3 hours on a Saturday morning to begin to prepare for my co-worker to take a 6-8 week medical leave. She is having the gastric sleeve procedure and has not been at all shy about talking about it to anyone who will listen. About 4 months ago her physician recommend that she have it done otherwise she wouldn't be able to have a baby in the future. Since I only believe about 20% of what I hear I'm not at all sure that this is a true statement but she's already scheduled the surgery so let the weight loss and subsequent baby making begin. For the purposes of this blog I will refer to her as The Sleeve. The Sleeve is a 35 year old singleton who has been slaving away at our company for nearly 8 years and although she has an active social life, a close knit family including a twin sister, and owns her own home all she's ever wanted is a husband and a baby. I have my own beliefs as to why that hasn't happened yet but I do hope that she is able to have all her heart desires I just hope she doesn't tie the success of her man search to the weight loss because it really does go deeper than that.

As I was preparing for my office audit I started to think about auditing my own life. Lately I've noticed certain habits of mine that are not helping me become one with my authentic self. For example, every Friday night I watch Say Yes to the Dress with my mom. The show itself is rather entertaining as it follows brides to be around lavish bridal salons as they search for the dress of their dreams. As with any reality show involving women all types of drama ensues either spotlighting a bridezilla wanting to spend twice her budget or family members and friends making the day about themselves with inappropriate comments. I started to realize that after the show ended I would feel depressed. I was able to pinpoint my feelings to the part where they show pictures of the women with their fiances looking happy and in love and at the end of the episode when they found the dress. You could see the triumph in their faces. It was almost as if their expression was saying "I did it! I found my prince and when I walk down the aisle I am going to be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen". As I watch each woman some very young and a few considerably older reach that level of success a little voice in my head whispers "That will never happen to you" and I actually believe it. I haven't watched the show for the past two weeks because of this and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Is it foolish that I let a scripted reality show get the best of me or is it wise for me to turn off the "noise" that clouds my brain with negative thoughts?

Blessed Trinity

Yesterday I returned from a 4 day trip to Minnesota to visit Sarah a dear college friend of mine. Our friendship is very important to me because she's one of the few people from college who I've been able to maintain a close relationship with over the years. I have been planning to go up there to see her ever since her wedding 5 years ago but for no real reason except that I never made the time to go I never did. Since this was the Summer of Stephanie I knew I had to finally make the trip to honor my vow of living my life with no regrets. She has since had 2 little girls and is currently hosting a fetus to be born this December. I must admit I was a little nervous to go because it had been quite awhile since I last saw her and I wasn't sure how to navigate the new dynamics of our relationship. I truly enjoyed every moment of my visit and I couldn't have asked for a better hostess. Nothing made me feel more inadequate than witnessing her preparing a home cooked meal every night and having the privilege of joining her husband and children at the dinner table something that my family only does on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

It also made me realize the amount of work that it takes to raise a family and in reality I am not at all close to being ready to take on that challenge. She would be up with the girls at 6am while sending her husband off to work. Then in no particular order would manage breakfast, bath time, clean up, snacks, outside playtime, dinner prep, lunch time, story time, nap time, more cleaning, another snack, diaper changes, vacuuming, and somehow a long enough break to catch half an episode of What Not to Wear. Not once did she ask me for help and she didn't miss a beat. The most heartwarming part was seeing what took place when her husband got home from work. The second he walked through the door the girls ran to him and he embraced them with the biggest smile you've ever seen. He would put his stuff down and go right outside to play with them until dinner was ready. He would do the same thing after dinner and then put the girls to bed. I couldn't help but think how blessed these young girls were to have a consistent male figure in their lives treat them this way. Now they will grow up knowing how other men should treat them because their father set that example early on. Every girl should have this and I am so glad to know that Sarah found a man that encompasses these qualities and that men like this still exist.

The highlight of my trip had to be the time I got to spend with Sarah's daughters who are ages 1 and 3. The 1 year old Moriah is still learning words so we didn't say a lot to each other but her adorable smile spoke volumes and she seemed to be enamored with my jewelry so we got along just fine. She warmed up to me after about 2 days and reached out to let me hold her. Nothing gives you baby fever more than holding a cute child who appears to like you but once they start drooling on you nothing kills the fantasy faster. Her 3 year old Trinity is in fact a princess in training. She doesn't like to be dirty, she loves to dress up, she loves makeup, and she loves pop music. I must say I haven't found anyone who I have this much in common with in a very long time. Before my arrival Sarah showed her a picture of me to prepare her for my visit I imagine and she said I looked like princess Tiana from Disney's the Princess and the Frog. That is by far the greatest compliment I've ever been given. I only wish I had a crown to wear to make the fantasy complete. Since her birth I've been sending princess dresses to her because I wanted to do something nice for Sarah's girls and because I felt like it was my duty as a fashionista to pass on the tradition. When I came she remembered to thank me for the dresses and even tried to put one of them on. A child is never too young to form his or her own sense of style right?

We went to a Greek festival downtown and she won a blow up guitar by playing some of the kid games they had. When we got home that night Sarah put on some fun music to distract Trinity while she and her husband put the youngest to bed. Trinity invited me to jam with her so I took the ukulele that Moriah got at the festival had and we rocked out to the musical stylings of Taylor Swift, Gym Class Heroes, and the Wanted just to name a few. I can't remember the last time I felt so free. I taught her to whip her hair around and jump up and down just like rock stars do. I'm sure Sarah will thank me for that later. For the first time in a long time I didn't care what anyone thought because I was having fun. I could hear Sarah and her husband behind me and I'm sure they thought I looked like a complete idiot playing a toy instrument and sweating to a James Brown level but Trinity thought I was the coolest girl she had ever met and that made me feel like a rock star. Unfortunately we were only able to have one more jam session the next morning before I left for the airport but I can only hope that she will remember everything I taught her. She still has to find another guitar player, a drummer, and a rapper all on her own to complete the band but I have no doubt she'll come through. Before I left I gave her a few pieces of clothing that I picked up at Crewcuts at the Mall of America including a green shift dress in the spirit of princess Tiana.

Spending time with a child really makes you appreciate life. Trinity is so eager to learn and open to people that she finds intriguing. She doesn't know what prejudice is and she loves with no fear. What if I could learn to live my life with that same level of freedom? I am still very unsure of whether or not I'm mommy material but I did learn during this visit that I still have a place in the life of this very special child even though I'm not a parent, an aunt, a cousin, or a guardian. I'm Stephanie the cool ambiguously older lady who sends fun dresses, wears pretty makeup, and loves to jam to all the latest pop songs and I would be honored to continue to do so if she will have me. I don't have to be any thinner, richer, or be attached to the hottest guy in town just being me is enough to her and that is such an amazing feeling.

This week's pictures feature the apology dinner outfit that I had planned to wear when my ex finally invited me out to dinner to apologize for they way he treated me during the course of our relationship. He not surprisingly has still never called to invite me out as he promised to do this summer but I couldn't let this outfit or these shoes go to waste so I wore them this morning. The skirt and tank are from Ann Taylor Loft, the cardigan is J.Crew, and the shoes are Gianni Binni that I picked up at 40% off at Dillards. My only regret is that he'll never see how good I looked which would have made the apologize that much sweeter.

The White Party

In an effort to try something new I attended my first White Party 2 weeks ago. I was invited by a friend of my mother's from work. Her boyfriend was a part of an alumni group from his college fraternity and every summer they have a White Party to honor the handful of students they award scholarships to. I agreed to go thinking I would be able to find a simple white dress to wear as I don't own anything completely white because I love color and because I am deathly afraid of spilling something on it. I ordered what looked online to be a cute dress but when I got it the day before the party and tried it on I found that it looked atrocious on me. I started to panic and actually tried to get out of going all together. Angie the woman I was going to the party with said that she had already bought a dress that morning at the mall and we had previously paid for our tickets so it would have been really sucky of me not to go. I went out to Macy's and surprisingly found a simple and cute Calvin Klein dress pictured above. It was only on sale for 20% off so I paid more than I would have liked to but I was stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new so I figured it was worth it.

The party started at 7pm but in an effort to be fashionably late Angie and I agreed to show up at 9pm. I'm glad we did because the party consisted of a room full of 100 people sitting and listening to an R&B cover band for 3 hours followed by listening to a horrible DJ for the next 2 hours. It was exciting to be starting my night at 9pm because I am usually already in bed with my chic nerd glasses on watching whatever movie I found to be remotely interesting from my weekly trip to Redbox. Everyone was dressed to the nines in their all-white ensembles sitting at various tables chatting and nibbling on hors d'oeuvres. Angie knew practically everyone there but since I knew no one else I stayed pretty close to her the entire night. She introduced me to a few people including her boyfriend who served as the mcee for the evening. The only person I care to remember was a very fine specimen by the name of Marcus. He had on an all-white suit coupled with a very bored expression on his face. He had been there since 7pm and was ready to go home. He was nice to me though and engaged me in a brief casual conversation. He sat next to me on and off during the evening and I of course clammed up and didn't get any details on his relationship status or try to flirt with him fearing rejection. Angie got up and danced a few times as she was asked to dance by many of the most attractive guys there. I must mention that Angie was looking much hotter than I was in a strapless number with sky high heels and long beautiful earrings. Anyways, I am glad that I went because I got to meet some new people but I didn't take advantage of the situation as well as I should have.

In an unrealted incident, I went to a dollshow yesterday with my mom. She has been collecting Barbie and fashion dolls for about 15 years and I will ocassionally go to dollshows with her to give her some company. On our latest adventure we found a fabulous retro Barbie with a chic black & white stripped swimsuit and cute heels. They had both a Caucasian and African-American version of the doll and they were identical but the white doll cost $58 and the black doll cost $54. This $4 difference really hit me. I know the amount is small but I couldn't help but wonder why this was. My guess is that the white doll is in higher demand so they priced it higher but I feel there is some symbolism there for me because I've always felt like less when compared to my caucasian counterparts. I grew up going to a private Christian school which only had roughly 5% minorities and I can't even count the number of times I was passed over for a date by one of the other girls in my class. I have since been able to identify how much that has effected my self esteem over time but it's still something I struggle with. The thing is there should be no comparison within or outside of a race because we are all different and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but in our society it still happens. Who is the thinnest? Who is the richest? Who is the happiest? Who is the most beautiful person? All of these questions when answered would make the majority of the human race feel like less than and that's terrible. Does this anger anyone else?