You Lookin' at Me?

So a strange thing happened yesterday. I went to Sam's Club with my mom to buy some gum. I am a little obsessed with Orbit White bubblegum and I chew it so frequently I find it's more economical to buy it in bulk. So I walk up to the checkout counter with my 240 piece container of gum and I notice that the cashier who was a cute 20 something male seemed to be giving me a few extra side glances. At first I thought he had some kind of issue with his eyes that I should pretend not to notice but then it dawned on me that he may be trying to check me out. After we paid for our items he looked directly at me with a smile and said "You ladies have a nice day!" I said thank you and went on my merry little way. It may have all been in my head but a part of me wants to believe that he might have actually found me attractive. Perhaps he was in fact checking me out and I should have flirted with him while he was ringing me up but since that has never happened to me I don't think that's something I naturally would have done.

I wonder what it's like for girls who have this sort of thing happen to them all the time. You know the one's I'm talking about. We all have at least one friend that always gets hit on when they are out in public. The 1st person that comes to mind for me is my friend Sarah. We met at work a few years ago and our friendship actually began because of our mutual love for fashion. She's a very beautiful woman with an insanely toned body due to her daily commitment to Crossfit. Guys hit on her all the time and I know she is used to it because she so easily banters back and forth with them. She has her pick of the litter so to speak so I imagine that it's fun for her but to me it's a foreign concept. Honestly the fact that I smiled back at the guy and said thank you was a big step for me. My self-esteem took a pretty big blow after the breakup so it's taken me awhile to even get up the nerve to meet new people in general. Two years ago I had no problem going out with my girlfriends and striking up a conversation with a cute stranger but now I find that I have to force myself to try and do that and it's rather frightening. I'm not sure how I can get back to a place where I'm comfortable with myself or maybe I'm now just realizing that I've never really been all that comfortable with being just me.

By the way, I was not wearing the outfit pictured above when I was out shopping at Sam's club. That is a Maggie London dress that I got on an awesome clearance at Von Maur a few weeks ago. It was originally $148 and I scored it for $35. Very exciting day for me that was. The shoes are a pair of 4 inch stacked colorblock heels that I got at Nine West last spring on a random 40% off sale that they happened to be having one weekend. One woman commented that she didn't know how I could walk in those heels. They are pretty comfortable because the heel is stacked but to be honest I do have to concentrate a little extra when walking in them because one wobbly step could mean a grave disaster. They are super cute though right?

Starvation Island

Today at work I became a woman that I never thought I would be. Our Assistant Director ordered pizza for our team for lunch as she does every other month in an effort to show her appreciation for our hard work. I normally bring my lunch containing some healthy, tiny, flavorless snacks in an effort to keep my weight in check but on these days I never bring my lunch since I know I will be treated to pizza. I normally partake of two healthy slices and enjoy conversation with my co-workers but today I avoided the break room at all costs. Ever since the first day of Summer I have become increasingly aware of my cellulite and all other body flaws. I have been dreaming of the lazy summer day I could spend poolside with a book and some fabulous sunnies on my face but alas my insecurity has kept me from all bodies of water since I was 18 years old. Everytime I attempt to try on a swimsuit my inner dialogue, which can at times sound alot like a bitchy high school girl, swarms my head. What will other's think of my big butt? Do normal people have this much cellulite? Will people think that I'm really an 11 year old boy with long hair because my chest is so flat?

As I spent my summer sweating it out fully clothed I came across this fabulous swimsuit pictured above in my J.Crew catalog. I have been obsessing over it most of the summer swearing that I loved it so much I would actually wear it in public if only it would go on sale. Well two days ago it did go on sale and I ordered it online in hopes to make all my summer dreams come true. Enter pizza Thursday. Now that I have the swimsuit in the back of my mind food seems to be less important as I anticipate my feelings about trying the suit on when it actually comes. As I sat there staring at 4 boxes of delicious pizza I could feel my thighs trying to burst out of my cropped pants. I decided to go and have a slice because it would have been rude not to have any since she went through the trouble of ordering it. I took the smallest slice of cheese I have ever seen Papa John's serve and sat there eating it bite after tiny bite savoring every morsel. As I watched my thinner counterparts reach for a second and third slice I sat there quietly with my hands in my lap hoping to get full off the scent of it. They tried to offer me more and I told them my teeth were hurting so I couldn't handle another piece and to my amazement they actually believed me. Truth is I did go to the dentist earlier and my teeth were still a little sore from the cleaning but not nearly enough to keep me from eating.

As the words left my mouth I realized what I had just done. I became that girl. The girl who lies about what she eats. The girl who deprives herself of what she really wants to try and meet some unrealistic goal. I could have had a second slice of pizza and easily had worked it off during my workout the next morning. I could have had a bigger piece and the world wouldn't have ended but I didn't allow myself to and I spent the rest of the afternoon hungry. How ridiculous is that? I know that I will never look like the model in the swimsuit because she is probably 6ft tall and was blessed with long legs. I am not fat by any means but I have struggled with my weight since I was a chubby little kid and I still carry most of my weight in my hip & thigh area which I've come to accept as a family curse but my beautiful cousin Jennifer who was blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with the same hips & thighs has embraced it and met and married a wonderful guy 15 years ago who loves her curves. Clearly he loves them because they have 4 children.

I have accepted that no matter how much I work out or how much more weight I loose I will still have bigger thighs although there are still times when I look at Olsen twin doppelgangers and dream of having long skinny legs. In an effort to reward myself for surviving my self imposed deprivation tomorrow I will eat my favorite pasta and even may throw in some ice cream afterwards to celebrate me. If I get up the courage to try the swimsuit on when I get it I'll let you know. Here is a picture of me in a cute Banana Republic dress I got on a random 40% sale a few months ago. I like it because of the colors of course and because it covers my lovely (cellulitey) thighs.

All Dressed up & Nowhere to Go

I dug into my wardrobe archives last Sunday and wore my Samba dress from J.Crew's 2007 Summer collection (pictured above). This is one of my favorite pieces because of it's bright colors and simplicity plus it looks pretty fierce when I spin around in it as the skirt is a little over the top in volume. To be perfectly honest this was the first time I actually wore this dress. I brought it 5 years ago in anticipation of all the invites I would get during wedding season but I never ended up wearing it because I was waiting for an event that I thought would be worthy of it and the weddings I had gone to required very casual dress. When I dug it out of my closet I decided that I had waited long enough and wore it to church on an average Sunday morning. I felt great and wore it to church largely unnoticed throughout the service until I went to leave and stepped out into the parking lot. A woman stopped me and said "That's a beautiful dress! I hope you're on your way somewhere where people will see you in it." I graciously said thank you for the compliment but to her & my dismay I was not on my way anywhere. Actually when I left there I went to Panera as I do on most Sundays to get lunch and I didn't even get out of the car because my feet were hurting from my heels so I utilized the drive-thru. As I was sitting there waiting for my food I realized that it is rare that I am ever going anywhere where I am meeting up with someone or a group of people that would realistically warrant dressing up for and it made me a little sad.

Ever since I graduated with my Master's 4 years ago I have tried to update my wardrobe in a way that shows I'm still relatively young and fun but should be taken seriously. I never know when a new opportunity may come my way (or I may run into someone from my past who used to treat me like crap) so I try to dress my best whenever I leave my house. Rachel Zoe has a saying on her website "Be Glamorous Everyday" and that's a motto I like to live by simply for the fact that it makes me feel good. I like dressing professionally for work because it makes me feel important and I think I work better when I dress the part. I like dressing up or dressing cleverly stylish for lunch or dinner with friends because I think it's fun. It's rare that I get invited anywhere so there's been a lot of times when I'm fabulously dressed at a table for one. We mainly only have chain restaurants here where people dress so casually at times you would think they had just gotten out of bed but I like to treat dinner like an event. Imagine my excitement when I get to dine in the city at a bistro or some chic downtown sushi bar. I usually get stares or judgmental glares when I dress up to go out in town because I imagine they think I look ridiculous or overdressed but when I go to the city I usually garner a few compliments from the women there and for once I feel like I belong.

I am also guilty of buying date approved outfits although I am not dating nor have been on a date in about a year and a half. I brought a super cute outfit for the apology date that I expected to be going on with my ex but I'm fairly certain that will never take place so now it has been hanging in my closet for 3 months. I know I should just wear it anyways but it kinda reminds me of what will never be which quite frankly just sucks. I will give him credit though, when we did go out on dates he would acknowledge that I was dressed nice although I'm pretty sure it was to feed his own ego to let me know that I was worthy enough to be on his arm for the evening. I shouldn't be seeking approval from anyone else with the way I dress and I do dress the way that makes me feel my best but it would be nice to have that someone special in my life to dress for. I'm not sure that men take notice of me because I try not to make eye contact as it makes me nervous but I'd like to think that every now and then they think "Hey that girl's got it going on". Ok, I don't think people say things like that anymore but you know what I mean.

The Next Best Thing

I had the pleasure and honor of meeting New York Times best selling chick-lit author Jennifer Weiner this weekend. She recently released her 10th novel called The Next Best Thing and has been on a book tour for the past 3 weeks promoting it. I didn't really know who she was until about a year ago when I noticed that a lot of people were retweeting her tweets commenting on the reality TV show The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I have been a fan of this franchise since the very 1st season aired while I was in college. I never understood the appeal of Twitter until I found that fans of the show loved to partake in live tweeting of the show while it was on. At first I just read the comments but then I started to get in on the action by tweeting comments of my own and I found it to be equal parts addicting and fun. I love the challenge of trying to be humorous in 140 characters or less and surprisingly I was making online friendships through this social medium with people I never would have met otherwise. Jennifer's hilarious comments would always pop up in my twitter feed as retweeted by some of my best tweeters so I decided I had to start following her.

I quickly learned that she was an author living in Philadelphia with two daughters and a lover of social justice. Her books are about women in all stages of life going through real life struggles and their stories of how they deal and overcome it. After reading the synopsis of some of her books I knew that they were the kind of books I would love but never made the time to read them until now. I was so excited about the release of her new book that I pre-ordered it on Amazon and waited patiently by my mailbox until it came. While waiting for my book to arrive I saw that she had been tweeting about her upcoming book tour and was encouraging her fans to come out and meet her. I went to her website and was excited to find that she would be coming to St. Louis my playground which is not too far of a drive from my home. I was hesitant at first to go because I've never been to a book signing and I hadn't been a lifelong fan of hers like some of the others I'd expected to see there but then I remembered that this was my summer of adventure so I made plans to go. I was excited all week deciding what to wear and calling the store to see what time all the festivities would begin.

Saturday morning came and I wore the outfit pictured above. I am wearing J. Crew from head to toe including the pearl necklace. I know it's a little over the top but I love it and the book signing was at Saks Fifth Avenue so I thought it would be perfect to wear to a casual summertime event there. I got to Saks and was greeted by Suzanne at the Chanel counter who helped me replenish my makeup supply and recommended a great new blush as my favorite color from Clinique had recently been discontinued. She also made a point to tell me how great she thought my outfit was which is exactly what I needed to hear because I was so nervous about how I looked. I wanted to look chic when I met Jennifer.

 I was there an hour early because I wanted to make sure to get a close seat but they hadn't even set up everything yet so I browsed Burberry's new fall collection as if I could actually afford any of it until they were ready for the fans. I signed in as they were taking donations for a great cause called Connections to Success that help unemployed underprivileged men and women obtain professional clothing to help them on their job search. They also had a beverage bar, cupcakes, and sharply dressed caterers serving California rolls, meat & cheese trays, & some other type of fancy crab hours d'oeuvres. I was seated in the 3rd row amongst other Jennifer fans and i must say it was the best dressed group of bookworms I have ever met in my life. I loved being among women from all walks of life and all shapes and sizes who were there because they related to her books and wanted to say thank you for giving us a voice.

Jennifer walked out just as if she was a regular person shopping in the store, said hello, and started signing books. I got so starstruck & giddy I didn't even stand up when they announced that she would do some pre-signing before she spoke. The line filled up very quickly but I stayed seated because they said she would sign more books after she spoke. I was pleased to find that she was willing to take pictures with everyone and even took a few moments to speak with each person that came up to meet her. When each person approached her she would exclaim "Hi!" just as if she was seeing an old friend for the first time after years apart and she was excited to see them. She even stopped signing for a moment to track down the woman serving cupcakes who she affectionately called "cupcake lady" to get 2 highly decorative chocolate cupcakes and eat them while meeting fans. Clearly a woman after my own heart.

After the first round of fans had their books signed, Jennifer spent about 45 minutes talking about the inspiration for her books, her experience being in Hollywood when one of her books became a movie & the TV sitcom she created, and also what inspired her to become an author in the first place. She also took several questions from the audience and gave real honest answers to each one. I was pleased to find that all of her books have been born from real life experiences that she had. She wrote her very first book after being dumped by her boyfriend who was kind of like Satan after 3 years together and she spent several months trying to move on from it. She decided to create a character much like herself going through exactly what she was going through but the character gets the respect and the guy in the end which they never show happening to average girls in the movies or on TV. I loved how open and honest she was about herself. She has her flaws, triumphs, failures, & successes but she stays true to herself and keeps learning as she goes.

After she spoke she sat down to sign more books & I was 3rd in line behind a woman who had already met her before the reading but cut in line because she just had to ask Jennifer what her thoughts were about the Tom Cruise Katie Holmes divorce said her husband whom she asked to tell those of us waiting so we wouldn't pounce on her. As a side note Jennifer believes they had a contract and that the marriage was never meant to last longer than 5 years and I wholeheartedly agree with that. Anyways, I gave my phone to the lady behind me who agreed to take my photo and I went up to meet Jennifer. She greeted me with the same enthusiastic hi that she did all those who came before me and she asked my name. I had planned to tell her that I followed her bachelor/bachelorette tweets and then fell in love with her books and surprisingly I actually managed to tell her that without sounding like a buffoon. She said thank you and then asked me who I thought the bachelorette was going to pick in the end and we both agreed that we liked Arie better but that she seemed to like Jef more. The kind stranger snapped my picture and I said thank you and with a smile I scurried off to get a cupcake & view my first "celebrity" photo. Before I got too far away she yelled out to me saying that she loved my purse. Being the fashionista that I am admiring my clothing or accesories is the highest compliment anyone can give me and coming from her it meant the world to me. I turned around with the biggest grin on my face and cried out "Oh my goodness thank you!" and went to retrieve my giant decorative cupcake which was delicious by the way.

Our meeting was brief but so meaningful. Jen was so relateable and was so open with her advice for aspiring authors. She has pages of advice on her website which I have read and kept in mind but the one thing she said during the event was that the difference between an author and someone who wants to be an author is the fact that the author actually writes a book and is persistent with getting it published. For the first time I believed that it is doable and that even I could really do it. I don't have a book written but I have been writing different things here and there all my life. Right now it's kind of a dream of mine as I don't know if I'm really meant to do that with my life but as I sit here looking at her book and seeing her signature I can't help but think how good it would feel to have something I had written and labored over in hardback with my name on the cover. I wonder what it feels like for her to see hundreds of copies of her books clenched in the hands of her fans as she takes each one and signs it knowing how excited it makes them. I certainly wouldn't write hoping to be famous because I like leading a relatively private existence but I love relating to people and knowing that even one person read something that I wrote and connected to it and felt like they could do something positive in their life because of it would mean the world to me because that's what so many books have done for me.

Spaddiction

Hello, my name is Stephanie and I'm addicted to pampering. As you know I went to the spa at the Four Seasons back in April to celebrate my 30th birthday. I have been keeping in the loop of all the events happening there as they maintain a very active Facebook page and I came across a spa promotion that they were having for the month of June. You could get 3 spa treatments for half the price if you booked the services Monday-Thursday. Things at work had reached a level of stress that I could no longer comprehend so you didn't have to beg me to take a day off work.

I jetted out of town early last Wednesday morning to head to my sanctuary. Unfortunately I got stuck in some traffic once I reached the city which put me nearly 30 minutes behind schedule but still 20 minutes early for my first appointment. I was scheduled to have my first treatment at 9am but I had planned on getting there at 8:15am so I could spend approximately 20 minutes soaking in the whirlpool then 10 minutes relaxing in the sauna followed by 15 minutes thumbing through Vogue magazine in the relaxation room while waiting for my masseuse to come retrieve me. I have yet to reach a level of comfort with my body that allows me to appear in a swimsuit in front of other people so I always book the first appointment of the day knowing it is highly unlikely that anyone else will be there an hour before services are even rendered so I can enjoy the whirlpool without judgement from other spa ladies. I know this sounds ridiculous but this is how my mind works. While I was pulling up to the hotel all I could think about was the fact that I would now only have 10 minutes to soak in the whirlpool which would put a damper on my pampering plans but all that changed when a handsome bellhop came to open my car door.

"Good morning and welcome to the Four Seasons! What brings you in today?" cried the bellhop. As he helped me out of my car I told him I was here to go to the spa and he told me I would have a wonderful time which I knew to be true. I walked into the glass doors past some businessmen and women rushing off to some big meeting I imagine since they can afford to spend the night at the Four Seasons while on business while I was going upstairs to forget all about work. A very chic looking woman checked me in, verified the services I had scheduled, then showed me to the locker room. I quickly changed into my swimsuit so I could savor my 10 minutes of soaking in the whirlpool and thankfully no one was in there. After my time was up I got out of the pool and draped myself in a towel only to find two other spa patrons coming through the pool area. I smiled at them but I could feel the look of panic on my face. I was completely covered but my shoulders were most certainly exposed. Gasp! I'm pretty sure they didn't notice a thing so I stowed away my wet suit, put on the giant robe the receptionist left for me, and walked to the relaxation room where Nancy was waiting to whisk me away for a massage.

Nancy my masseuse for the day was great. Last time I was there I had Robyn who was amazing and I actually saw her on my way to the massage room with Nancy and I started to wonder if my experience would be as pleasant and it definitely was. I had a 30 minute massage and for my second treatment she spent another 30 minutes applying a body polish to my entire body which was very sticky and gritty but it was clearing away all the dirt in my pores and any other general yuckiness that tends to cling onto the skin. She then walked me back to the showers so I could rinse off and I emerged a bright and shiny new woman! Next up was my facial. A bubbly curly-haired woman named Emily came out to take me back for my facial. She had me disrobe and get comfy under the very high thread count sheets that covered the bed. I had never had a facial before so this was a real treat. She started with letting some steam engulf my face and had lavender aroma filling the air. She then applied two different concoctions to my face. She told me what they were and how they were good for my skin but I honestly can't remember because I was so relaxed. After she was finished she allowed me to stay in the room as long as I wanted so I could continue to relax.

I didn't stay too long because I was starving and wanted to see what lunch specials they were serving for the day. I fixed myself up in the locker room and went up to the next floor where the hotel restaurant and bar was located. Note the executive chef is from Italy and I had read countless reviews of how good the food is there. They offered $15 lunch specials during the week so I was enjoying quite the reduced price fancy experience. They have a beautiful rooftop terrace overlooking the pool but I opted to stay inside since it was very hot that day. The waitress who looked like a supermodel sat me right by the window so I could look out onto the terrace at all the sunbathing beauties who were being spritzed with Evian water. I'm not kidding the waitstaff at the pool actually spritz you with Evian water if requested in addition to bringing you any beverage you could imagine & a special menu of appetizers. I really regret not going out there now.

My server was handsome, smiley, and very attentive. I had the soup of the day which was a delicious onion soup served with bread and some type of delicious oil concoction for dipping. Then I chose the Cobb salad as my entree which included grilled chicken, diced eggs, spinach, tomatoes, avocado, feta cheese, & yogurt-limoncello dressing. It was by far the best Cobb salad I've ever had in my life. I'm not a world traveler so no I haven't tasted several Cobb salads; however, this one was amaze! To finish off my meal cute server guy brought over a tray of tiny desserts that are made fresh everyday and only offered during the lunch hour. Apparently offer a different selection of desserts everyday so I was excited to see an offering of strawberry semifreddo, tiramisu, lemon cake, and cheesecake. I honestly wanted to take all four but I appeared the gracious patron and took only the cheesecake. It was delectable!

I left my sanctuary feeling completely refreshed and retrieved my car from the valet who gave me excellent directions of how to get completely around all the construction on the highway that was causing the traffic. Another remarkable experience at the Four Seasons. Yes it is pricey and no I certainly cannot afford to go there as much as I would like but it is worth every single penny I spent. I love the diversity of people who go there. I saw men in Prada suits and families casually dressed having lunch. Everyone I have come in contact with that works there is so friendly and all have interesting personalities. When I'm there I feel like the person I've always wanted to be. Respected, chic, adventurous....unfortunately I am now addicted to spas which really puts a cramp in my fabulous shoe fund.

Shower Season

Summer is officially upon us which means we are well into Wedding & Baby shower season and for the last 10 years of my life I have failed to be immune to it. For some reason this year I have only been invited to one baby shower & one wedding shower so that must mean that nearly everyone I know has finally been married off and started a family. I'm happy for them but celebrating other people lives can get very expensive. I can't help but think that if I added up all the receipts from the past 10 years of gifts, ceremonies, & travel that I've spent celebrating other people's life events it would probably equal enough money to treat myself to a very nice 3 week vacation in Hawaii plus a small shopping spree at Neiman Marcus.

Yesterday I drove 90 miles to celebrate the impending birth of one Lord Bryson with his mother Lacey who became a friend of mine 3 years ago while working at a health insurance company. Lacey is a bubbly sorority girl who was born & raised in a town of about 1800 people. She moved back there after college then met & married a tall freckled face army boy named Brett. They have been trying to have a baby for the past 2 years and after a few failed in-vitro attempts they finally became pregnant and couldn't be happier. I promised her I would come to the shower several months ago when she asked for my address to invite me but as the date grew closer I got a little worried because I knew I would have to face a group of people that I haven't seen in almost a year & my ex still lives there.

I spent 3 and a half years at the insurance company which is really 3 years longer than I should have stayed there and my time there was largely negative. A lot of people there were pretty mean to me not because of anything I said or did but simply for the fact that I was the new girl in town with goals and I didn't engage in petty office drama. I never really fit in with the exception of a few people there who were kind to me and Lacey was one of those individuals. She was always positive and liked to have fun so we got along very well. In fact our friendship actually began because the ex invited her out one Saturday with our little group and we were the only ones who chose to spend the night out on the dancefloor. We requested all the same songs from the DJ and spent the whole night laughing and dancing. We exchanged numbers and the rest as they say is history.

Anyways, her shower was quite the event  as I expected it would be. She is having a boy so everything was blue and adorable. Her husband was there also so they spent the first hour going around to each table to greet everyone while they rest of us sat and mingled. I showed up right on time at 2pm and said a small prayer before I entered the hall hoping that the Lord would give me the strength to make small talk for at least 2 hours. I dropped my gift off at the gift table and spotted a group of girls from my former job. Rachel one of the girls who had been kind to me was there so I said hello to her and was invited to sit town with everyone. I did get a few curious looks at first but surprisingly they all engaged me in friendly conversation. When I resigned from that job I told very few people that I was leaving so I'm sure the rumor mill swirled rather rapidly when they all realized I had left. They did have a lot of questions about where I went what happened but they seemed sincerely interested in what I was doing now. Everything was going great until the mother-to-be stopped by our table for a visit.

Lacey singled me out of the group which was to be expected because she speaks to the other women everyday and she hadn't seen me in about 3 months. I made the usual pregnancy small talk "How are you feeling?" "Are you excited?" "Did you decide to let the baby sleep in a cage?" you know the staple questions and then very loudly in front of everyone she announced that her husband had a guy she wanted me to meet. It's true I would love to meet a good man to date and share my life with but no one wants me to find love more than Lacey. I don't think I've ever given off a desperate vibe as it is rare I ever speak about men at all when I spend time with my friends but she has been on the lookout to find me someone ever since she met me. Apparently Brett has an army friend who is tall, muscly, rides a Harley, and goes by some kind of ridiculous nickname like Python or something. He doesn't sound at all like someone I would be interested in but she said he was cute & single so I guess that's the only important criteria for a 30 something single woman.

It was embarrassing to say the least as I was sitting at a table with 4 other women who had all seemed to find men willing to marry & impregnate them all on their own when they were in there 20's. I must mention that Michelle was sitting at our table who is also in her 30's and single and I think was slightly offended that no man was offered to her. If I'm ever given Python's number I will simply slide it over to her for a good time. Lacey spent about 5 minutes trying to sell him to me and even dragged poor Brett into this mess as he struggled to give me any details about him that I may find interesting. Luckily she dropped it and moved on to the next table. We spent the next two hours eating and watching her open gifts. In my opinion my gift was of course the best because I didn't get her anything practical. She is a big planner so I knew she already had everything she really needed because she had been stocking up on supplies since she was 8 weeks along. I got the baby an Adidas track suit with a matching t-shirt.

After I left the shower I met up with another friendly face Jana & her teenage daughter who I had also worked with and we spent nearly 2 hours catching up. It is so nice to sit and visit with genuine people who you can be open with. I really miss having that in my life on a daily basis. As I drove through the town to go back home my mind was flooded with memories of the dreaded ex. Some places brought back memories of happier times when we were on good terms but there were still several places that brought me to tears remembering the things he said and did that broke my heart. He knew that I was going to be in town and has said that he wanted to see me in person to give me a proper apology. He couldn't even find 10 minutes out of his day to come meet me somewhere and say what he wanted to say which shows me just how little I mean to him. The drive home was pretty depressing as I sat there thinking about that but today is a new day and I have to continue to try and move on which is harder some days than others. Top & skirt are from J.Crew, shoes are Gianni Bini, & jewelry are from Banana Republic.

Aha!

Yesterday I had as Oprah would call it an aha moment. A moment when you are able to look at something from a different point a view or in a new light and you can finally say to yourself " I get it now." I was sitting at my desk at work processing paperwork and listen to sirius radio. I had it on the Pulse station and they play current pop & adult contemporary hits and I was singing to myself and grooving in my chair and it hit me, the reason my ex broke up with me was not my fault. During the breakup I kept going over in my head everything that happened trying to find a reason why he didn't want to be with me. I really believed it somehow had to be my fault because I put so much pressure on myself to make it work when in reality we both had to participate in the relationship to keep it alive.

I had always been the positive one. When he had a crappy day I was the one who would listen to his gripes and try to think of clever ways to cheer him up like giving him a back rub or suggesting a trip to Dairy Queen for a sweet treat. Coincidentally sweet treats always make me feel better. I could always think of a way to put a positive spin on the situation & alot of times he would brush it off but sometimes he would listen and actually agree to my logical thinking. Yep I'm smart.

I was the one who remembered every birthday & milestone and made sure to commemorate the day somehow. Every father's day I got him a card to celebrate the day with his sons, I made special treats every Valentine's Day, and on Christmas I made sure we had our own private celebration which of course involved me getting him three too many gifts tailored to his every wish. I've always been good at picking out the gift that fits the person's personality and style yet pulls at their heartstrings just enough to show them that I really care about them. He always knew that he could count on me and I know he took comfort in that because I was always the first person he called when something happened in his life big or small.

He never was one to dance when we went out but I was always the first one out on the dancefloor. In our relationship I was always the one who would freely share my feelings but he would always clam up and what fun is that when you can't be open with someone? Just knowing that I was so open and fun with him shows me that I am capable of being that way again with someone special. I always used to scoff at people who say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but maybe they're right. I took a chance and fell for someone who at one time was open to the adventure of love and although he later changed his mind I found that I was capable of being good in a relationship. I did everything I could and that's all I needed to do.

I'm also glad that I discovered that maintaining a happy and health relationship with someone is hard work. I miss the companionship but it's nice to be able to focus on my personal growth and making sure that my emotional needs are met. It's definitely important to focus on those things when you are in a relationship but you don't always have time to do that as you have to make yourself available to the needs of someone else and it's easy to get lost in that role because I certainly did. I guess I could also look at things in another light completely and just say, "Girl you really dodged a bullet there" cause I totally did. Oh, dress is by Banana Republic shoes are Antonio Melani.