Oh Mother

We celebrated Mother's Day recently and no one can say that I didn't do my part. Normally I take my mom out to brunch after church and gift her with whatever ridiculously inexpensive gift she asked for insisting that I not spend too much on her. This year I thought I would step things up a notch and I treated her to a weekend of shopping in the city. I booked a nice hotel room and even got tickets to the ballet. She's not a fan of the ballet particularly modern pieces but she went to appease me. After a late night watching beautiful people leap around the stage in point shoes (which I love by the way), a breakfast buffet built for champions (which it should be because it cost $13 a person) and 4 hours of shopping later she told me that she had a great time. She's a liar. I said it, my mother lied to me. There's no possible way she could have enjoyed spending 36 continuous hours with me because other than the fact that she gave birth to me, we have nothing in common.

I must admit that penchant for shopping is completely my mother's fault. I was practically raised in a mall. There was a cafeteria in our local mall that had tasty reasonably priced meals so we would go there every Thursday after my mom got off of work and picked me up from school. After dinner we would walk around the mall and window shop. Sears was her sanctuary so we would always go in there first and one of us would normally end up trying on clothes. We wouldn't always buy anything and even if we did there was a 50% chance my mother would return it because she was so indecisive. Once she became brave enough to drive on the highway we would go to the city for the day about once a month and go to one of the shopping center's there. It was our way of bonding.

Around the age of 12 I started to come into my own sense of style which was completely different than my mother's. She dressed like an old school church lady and I dressed like someone who was obsessed with The Limited Too because I was. It was then I realized how different we were. I became obsessed with Enrique Iglesias' Escape album but my mother made fun of me because she said he sounded like he was crying on his most popular song Hero. The woman couldn't even show me the Enrique love. She was attracted to men with long flowy hair and I loved preppy guys with a crew cut. (My father is bald by the way). She loves to sing in front of people I lip sync in all situations as to not embarrass myself. She despises reality TV I cannot get enough of it. She would prefer to only wear the colors black and brown and I have an aversion to wearing anything that isn't bright, bold, or a print. She has enough money in the bank to live off of for years I have enough to live off of until the end of this day. She eats ice cream even though she is lactose intolerant and I eat ice cream even though I have cellulite. Well that last one doesn't really count I guess.

We eat dinner together every Friday and after we have finished our appetizers we usually sit in silence because we have run out of things to say. Isn't that the saddest thing ever? I used to think I might be adopted and was abandoned by a Hollywood has been who wouldn't keep me because the pregnancy gave her stretchmarks and she would never forgive me. I would imagine that there was a mansion in California that was my birthright and I would get a jeep and a tight Calvin Klein dress like Cher did in Clueless but Dion was the black girl so I guess I should have dreamed of having braids and a tumultuous relationship with Donald Fasion. But alas those dreams would never come true because I very closely resemble my cousins so that theory is out.

I love my mother more than I can adequately put into words because I only now realize by watching my friends with their children how much she sacrificed for me. She's the only person I will ever trust 100% and the thought of her retiring in the next year frightens me because it is now becoming my role to take care of her. I would do anything for her but realizing that one day she won't be able to take care of herself is unsettling to say the least. She's always been so fiercely independent that I can't imangine her ever needing anyone for anything. How could the woman who always took care of everything now be forced to rely on me who takes care of nothing. The thought of having children scares me most of all because I know I'm not capable of being the mother she's been to me. My gifts lie elsewhere like being able to toast a bagel without burning down the house, finding the perfect Ralph Lauren onesie for a baby who will only be able to wear it once, sleeping through meetings with my eyes open, judging reality TV stars, the list goes on and on.

 This week's obsession is this stunning creation from Charlotte Olympia. This beauty sits up at 5 3/4 inches and is currently on sale for $733 at Neiman  Marcus. I know the word sale and the price $733 should never be spoken together unless you are talking about a brand new computer but there are women in the world that would find that to be a great deal and I hate them. I don't have any weddings on the calendar this summer to attend but if I did I would sport these babies on the dancefloor until I could no longer walk or until the other ladies got viciously jealous of my shoes whichever happened first.

Weighing In

So Rob Kardashian looks like this now and I think we need to discuss it. Like most of America I have a love hate relationship with the Kardashian family. I love watching the various versions of their reality shows and I hate myself for it. Khloe is my favorite because she's open about how often her weight fluctuates (which sadly I can relate to) and she's the only one in that family that keeps it real....well as real as you can be when you make millions of dollars because your sister made a sex tape thus making your family fascinating. I also like Kourtney and Rob because they are the only two in the family to have actually graduated from college. They still don't do anything of substance now but they did at least go to college so I respect that. Since graduating college Rob has really struggled with finding his place in the family and life in general. His father was a big time lawyer and a successful business man so he set the bar pretty high for his only son. His sisters have become a brand themselves peddling clothes, fragrances, and tell all books thanks in a large part to Kim's popularity. Rob often laments about how successful his sisters are and how difficult it is for him to carve out his own success apart from them.

He seemed a little more hopeful when he was dating that Cheetah girl and was doing an internship. After he broke up with the cheetah and moved out of the apartment they shared together he moved in with Khloe and her hubby which is where I think it all started to go downhill for him. I must say that I have no idea why he lives with his sister because that family is worth an obscene amount of money and I'm sure a small part of it could be used to by the lone male Kardashian a decent condo. Anyway, he began making regular Taco Bell runs with everyone's favorite douche bag and father to Kourtney's children Scott Disick and coming home to demolish all the treats in the pantry that were put there for Lamar's consumption. I remember a few episodes when he complained about feeling out of shape but it didn't really seem to phase him because the video games he spent all his days playing didn't pass judgement and let's face it no one holds him accountable for anything besides Khloe.

One day he woke up from what was likely his 3rd nap of the day and declared that he had discovered his passion for socks. What does that even mean? He decided that he wanted to start a line of designer socks as if this would somehow change the world. He came up with a few designs and had Khole's BFF Malika, who had always had a crush on Rob, model them while wearing nothing else. Nothing came of those promotional photos but I believe they did sleep together a few times just for the fun of it. I take it that he went back to the drawing board because several months after that episode aired, Neiman Marcus signed on to sell his line of socks which he now called Arthur George and sold for $30 a pair. Initially there was quite a buzz about this and he even did several in-store appearances (many accompanied by his sisters to ensure a good turnout) to promote his business venture. I've seen the socks and as a lover of accessories I must say that the designs aren't anything new or particularly appealing but if you put a pseudo-celebrity's name on them they don't have to be.

During all of his marginal success a rumor started that he was dating the British & brash pop starlet Rita Ora. Neither party would confirm this but several weeks later Rob began tweeting a series of nasty things about Miss Ora leading us to believe that she burned him pretty bad. He started showing up everywhere in t-shirts and sweatpants looking like a lost puppy. The E! network recently aired a Kardashian special where they sat down with Ryan Secrest, who is largely responsible for all their success, to give an intimate and honest interview about the highs and lows of success. Rob's weight was brought up of course because how could you not mention that? He said that he didn't realize how out of control things had gotten until he looked down and found that his penis looked small because of the gut that was now hovering over it. He has now started a weight loss journey and his penis is now appearing larger and larger everyday. For all of you marrieds who are envious of us single girls because you believe we're out there dating all these handsome eligible bachelor's please be reminded that Rob is one of them and then say a prayer for us.

This week's obsession is this pair of bright blue python heels created by the always amazing Brian Atwood. These beauties sit at 6.2 inches above the ground and will cost you $1200. Lucky for me the picture is free so that I can put it on my desktop and dream about one day having a job that would afford me such a ridiculous luxury. I must admit the highest heel I have in my collection is only 4.5 inches so I'm not exactly sure what would happen to me if given and extra 2 inches to walk in. Actually I'm quite sure the results would be disastrous but I am fairly certain I could stand still in them and take a fabulous picture which is all that really matters. By the way, Rachel Zoe could chase her toddler around a park in Paris in these heels which makes me feel grossly inadequate. Isn't that awful?