Blessed Trinity

Yesterday I returned from a 4 day trip to Minnesota to visit Sarah a dear college friend of mine. Our friendship is very important to me because she's one of the few people from college who I've been able to maintain a close relationship with over the years. I have been planning to go up there to see her ever since her wedding 5 years ago but for no real reason except that I never made the time to go I never did. Since this was the Summer of Stephanie I knew I had to finally make the trip to honor my vow of living my life with no regrets. She has since had 2 little girls and is currently hosting a fetus to be born this December. I must admit I was a little nervous to go because it had been quite awhile since I last saw her and I wasn't sure how to navigate the new dynamics of our relationship. I truly enjoyed every moment of my visit and I couldn't have asked for a better hostess. Nothing made me feel more inadequate than witnessing her preparing a home cooked meal every night and having the privilege of joining her husband and children at the dinner table something that my family only does on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

It also made me realize the amount of work that it takes to raise a family and in reality I am not at all close to being ready to take on that challenge. She would be up with the girls at 6am while sending her husband off to work. Then in no particular order would manage breakfast, bath time, clean up, snacks, outside playtime, dinner prep, lunch time, story time, nap time, more cleaning, another snack, diaper changes, vacuuming, and somehow a long enough break to catch half an episode of What Not to Wear. Not once did she ask me for help and she didn't miss a beat. The most heartwarming part was seeing what took place when her husband got home from work. The second he walked through the door the girls ran to him and he embraced them with the biggest smile you've ever seen. He would put his stuff down and go right outside to play with them until dinner was ready. He would do the same thing after dinner and then put the girls to bed. I couldn't help but think how blessed these young girls were to have a consistent male figure in their lives treat them this way. Now they will grow up knowing how other men should treat them because their father set that example early on. Every girl should have this and I am so glad to know that Sarah found a man that encompasses these qualities and that men like this still exist.

The highlight of my trip had to be the time I got to spend with Sarah's daughters who are ages 1 and 3. The 1 year old Moriah is still learning words so we didn't say a lot to each other but her adorable smile spoke volumes and she seemed to be enamored with my jewelry so we got along just fine. She warmed up to me after about 2 days and reached out to let me hold her. Nothing gives you baby fever more than holding a cute child who appears to like you but once they start drooling on you nothing kills the fantasy faster. Her 3 year old Trinity is in fact a princess in training. She doesn't like to be dirty, she loves to dress up, she loves makeup, and she loves pop music. I must say I haven't found anyone who I have this much in common with in a very long time. Before my arrival Sarah showed her a picture of me to prepare her for my visit I imagine and she said I looked like princess Tiana from Disney's the Princess and the Frog. That is by far the greatest compliment I've ever been given. I only wish I had a crown to wear to make the fantasy complete. Since her birth I've been sending princess dresses to her because I wanted to do something nice for Sarah's girls and because I felt like it was my duty as a fashionista to pass on the tradition. When I came she remembered to thank me for the dresses and even tried to put one of them on. A child is never too young to form his or her own sense of style right?

We went to a Greek festival downtown and she won a blow up guitar by playing some of the kid games they had. When we got home that night Sarah put on some fun music to distract Trinity while she and her husband put the youngest to bed. Trinity invited me to jam with her so I took the ukulele that Moriah got at the festival had and we rocked out to the musical stylings of Taylor Swift, Gym Class Heroes, and the Wanted just to name a few. I can't remember the last time I felt so free. I taught her to whip her hair around and jump up and down just like rock stars do. I'm sure Sarah will thank me for that later. For the first time in a long time I didn't care what anyone thought because I was having fun. I could hear Sarah and her husband behind me and I'm sure they thought I looked like a complete idiot playing a toy instrument and sweating to a James Brown level but Trinity thought I was the coolest girl she had ever met and that made me feel like a rock star. Unfortunately we were only able to have one more jam session the next morning before I left for the airport but I can only hope that she will remember everything I taught her. She still has to find another guitar player, a drummer, and a rapper all on her own to complete the band but I have no doubt she'll come through. Before I left I gave her a few pieces of clothing that I picked up at Crewcuts at the Mall of America including a green shift dress in the spirit of princess Tiana.

Spending time with a child really makes you appreciate life. Trinity is so eager to learn and open to people that she finds intriguing. She doesn't know what prejudice is and she loves with no fear. What if I could learn to live my life with that same level of freedom? I am still very unsure of whether or not I'm mommy material but I did learn during this visit that I still have a place in the life of this very special child even though I'm not a parent, an aunt, a cousin, or a guardian. I'm Stephanie the cool ambiguously older lady who sends fun dresses, wears pretty makeup, and loves to jam to all the latest pop songs and I would be honored to continue to do so if she will have me. I don't have to be any thinner, richer, or be attached to the hottest guy in town just being me is enough to her and that is such an amazing feeling.

This week's pictures feature the apology dinner outfit that I had planned to wear when my ex finally invited me out to dinner to apologize for they way he treated me during the course of our relationship. He not surprisingly has still never called to invite me out as he promised to do this summer but I couldn't let this outfit or these shoes go to waste so I wore them this morning. The skirt and tank are from Ann Taylor Loft, the cardigan is J.Crew, and the shoes are Gianni Binni that I picked up at 40% off at Dillards. My only regret is that he'll never see how good I looked which would have made the apologize that much sweeter.

The White Party

In an effort to try something new I attended my first White Party 2 weeks ago. I was invited by a friend of my mother's from work. Her boyfriend was a part of an alumni group from his college fraternity and every summer they have a White Party to honor the handful of students they award scholarships to. I agreed to go thinking I would be able to find a simple white dress to wear as I don't own anything completely white because I love color and because I am deathly afraid of spilling something on it. I ordered what looked online to be a cute dress but when I got it the day before the party and tried it on I found that it looked atrocious on me. I started to panic and actually tried to get out of going all together. Angie the woman I was going to the party with said that she had already bought a dress that morning at the mall and we had previously paid for our tickets so it would have been really sucky of me not to go. I went out to Macy's and surprisingly found a simple and cute Calvin Klein dress pictured above. It was only on sale for 20% off so I paid more than I would have liked to but I was stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new so I figured it was worth it.

The party started at 7pm but in an effort to be fashionably late Angie and I agreed to show up at 9pm. I'm glad we did because the party consisted of a room full of 100 people sitting and listening to an R&B cover band for 3 hours followed by listening to a horrible DJ for the next 2 hours. It was exciting to be starting my night at 9pm because I am usually already in bed with my chic nerd glasses on watching whatever movie I found to be remotely interesting from my weekly trip to Redbox. Everyone was dressed to the nines in their all-white ensembles sitting at various tables chatting and nibbling on hors d'oeuvres. Angie knew practically everyone there but since I knew no one else I stayed pretty close to her the entire night. She introduced me to a few people including her boyfriend who served as the mcee for the evening. The only person I care to remember was a very fine specimen by the name of Marcus. He had on an all-white suit coupled with a very bored expression on his face. He had been there since 7pm and was ready to go home. He was nice to me though and engaged me in a brief casual conversation. He sat next to me on and off during the evening and I of course clammed up and didn't get any details on his relationship status or try to flirt with him fearing rejection. Angie got up and danced a few times as she was asked to dance by many of the most attractive guys there. I must mention that Angie was looking much hotter than I was in a strapless number with sky high heels and long beautiful earrings. Anyways, I am glad that I went because I got to meet some new people but I didn't take advantage of the situation as well as I should have.

In an unrealted incident, I went to a dollshow yesterday with my mom. She has been collecting Barbie and fashion dolls for about 15 years and I will ocassionally go to dollshows with her to give her some company. On our latest adventure we found a fabulous retro Barbie with a chic black & white stripped swimsuit and cute heels. They had both a Caucasian and African-American version of the doll and they were identical but the white doll cost $58 and the black doll cost $54. This $4 difference really hit me. I know the amount is small but I couldn't help but wonder why this was. My guess is that the white doll is in higher demand so they priced it higher but I feel there is some symbolism there for me because I've always felt like less when compared to my caucasian counterparts. I grew up going to a private Christian school which only had roughly 5% minorities and I can't even count the number of times I was passed over for a date by one of the other girls in my class. I have since been able to identify how much that has effected my self esteem over time but it's still something I struggle with. The thing is there should be no comparison within or outside of a race because we are all different and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but in our society it still happens. Who is the thinnest? Who is the richest? Who is the happiest? Who is the most beautiful person? All of these questions when answered would make the majority of the human race feel like less than and that's terrible. Does this anger anyone else?

You Lookin' at Me?

So a strange thing happened yesterday. I went to Sam's Club with my mom to buy some gum. I am a little obsessed with Orbit White bubblegum and I chew it so frequently I find it's more economical to buy it in bulk. So I walk up to the checkout counter with my 240 piece container of gum and I notice that the cashier who was a cute 20 something male seemed to be giving me a few extra side glances. At first I thought he had some kind of issue with his eyes that I should pretend not to notice but then it dawned on me that he may be trying to check me out. After we paid for our items he looked directly at me with a smile and said "You ladies have a nice day!" I said thank you and went on my merry little way. It may have all been in my head but a part of me wants to believe that he might have actually found me attractive. Perhaps he was in fact checking me out and I should have flirted with him while he was ringing me up but since that has never happened to me I don't think that's something I naturally would have done.

I wonder what it's like for girls who have this sort of thing happen to them all the time. You know the one's I'm talking about. We all have at least one friend that always gets hit on when they are out in public. The 1st person that comes to mind for me is my friend Sarah. We met at work a few years ago and our friendship actually began because of our mutual love for fashion. She's a very beautiful woman with an insanely toned body due to her daily commitment to Crossfit. Guys hit on her all the time and I know she is used to it because she so easily banters back and forth with them. She has her pick of the litter so to speak so I imagine that it's fun for her but to me it's a foreign concept. Honestly the fact that I smiled back at the guy and said thank you was a big step for me. My self-esteem took a pretty big blow after the breakup so it's taken me awhile to even get up the nerve to meet new people in general. Two years ago I had no problem going out with my girlfriends and striking up a conversation with a cute stranger but now I find that I have to force myself to try and do that and it's rather frightening. I'm not sure how I can get back to a place where I'm comfortable with myself or maybe I'm now just realizing that I've never really been all that comfortable with being just me.

By the way, I was not wearing the outfit pictured above when I was out shopping at Sam's club. That is a Maggie London dress that I got on an awesome clearance at Von Maur a few weeks ago. It was originally $148 and I scored it for $35. Very exciting day for me that was. The shoes are a pair of 4 inch stacked colorblock heels that I got at Nine West last spring on a random 40% off sale that they happened to be having one weekend. One woman commented that she didn't know how I could walk in those heels. They are pretty comfortable because the heel is stacked but to be honest I do have to concentrate a little extra when walking in them because one wobbly step could mean a grave disaster. They are super cute though right?

Starvation Island

Today at work I became a woman that I never thought I would be. Our Assistant Director ordered pizza for our team for lunch as she does every other month in an effort to show her appreciation for our hard work. I normally bring my lunch containing some healthy, tiny, flavorless snacks in an effort to keep my weight in check but on these days I never bring my lunch since I know I will be treated to pizza. I normally partake of two healthy slices and enjoy conversation with my co-workers but today I avoided the break room at all costs. Ever since the first day of Summer I have become increasingly aware of my cellulite and all other body flaws. I have been dreaming of the lazy summer day I could spend poolside with a book and some fabulous sunnies on my face but alas my insecurity has kept me from all bodies of water since I was 18 years old. Everytime I attempt to try on a swimsuit my inner dialogue, which can at times sound alot like a bitchy high school girl, swarms my head. What will other's think of my big butt? Do normal people have this much cellulite? Will people think that I'm really an 11 year old boy with long hair because my chest is so flat?

As I spent my summer sweating it out fully clothed I came across this fabulous swimsuit pictured above in my J.Crew catalog. I have been obsessing over it most of the summer swearing that I loved it so much I would actually wear it in public if only it would go on sale. Well two days ago it did go on sale and I ordered it online in hopes to make all my summer dreams come true. Enter pizza Thursday. Now that I have the swimsuit in the back of my mind food seems to be less important as I anticipate my feelings about trying the suit on when it actually comes. As I sat there staring at 4 boxes of delicious pizza I could feel my thighs trying to burst out of my cropped pants. I decided to go and have a slice because it would have been rude not to have any since she went through the trouble of ordering it. I took the smallest slice of cheese I have ever seen Papa John's serve and sat there eating it bite after tiny bite savoring every morsel. As I watched my thinner counterparts reach for a second and third slice I sat there quietly with my hands in my lap hoping to get full off the scent of it. They tried to offer me more and I told them my teeth were hurting so I couldn't handle another piece and to my amazement they actually believed me. Truth is I did go to the dentist earlier and my teeth were still a little sore from the cleaning but not nearly enough to keep me from eating.

As the words left my mouth I realized what I had just done. I became that girl. The girl who lies about what she eats. The girl who deprives herself of what she really wants to try and meet some unrealistic goal. I could have had a second slice of pizza and easily had worked it off during my workout the next morning. I could have had a bigger piece and the world wouldn't have ended but I didn't allow myself to and I spent the rest of the afternoon hungry. How ridiculous is that? I know that I will never look like the model in the swimsuit because she is probably 6ft tall and was blessed with long legs. I am not fat by any means but I have struggled with my weight since I was a chubby little kid and I still carry most of my weight in my hip & thigh area which I've come to accept as a family curse but my beautiful cousin Jennifer who was blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with the same hips & thighs has embraced it and met and married a wonderful guy 15 years ago who loves her curves. Clearly he loves them because they have 4 children.

I have accepted that no matter how much I work out or how much more weight I loose I will still have bigger thighs although there are still times when I look at Olsen twin doppelgangers and dream of having long skinny legs. In an effort to reward myself for surviving my self imposed deprivation tomorrow I will eat my favorite pasta and even may throw in some ice cream afterwards to celebrate me. If I get up the courage to try the swimsuit on when I get it I'll let you know. Here is a picture of me in a cute Banana Republic dress I got on a random 40% sale a few months ago. I like it because of the colors of course and because it covers my lovely (cellulitey) thighs.