Aha!

Yesterday I had as Oprah would call it an aha moment. A moment when you are able to look at something from a different point a view or in a new light and you can finally say to yourself " I get it now." I was sitting at my desk at work processing paperwork and listen to sirius radio. I had it on the Pulse station and they play current pop & adult contemporary hits and I was singing to myself and grooving in my chair and it hit me, the reason my ex broke up with me was not my fault. During the breakup I kept going over in my head everything that happened trying to find a reason why he didn't want to be with me. I really believed it somehow had to be my fault because I put so much pressure on myself to make it work when in reality we both had to participate in the relationship to keep it alive.

I had always been the positive one. When he had a crappy day I was the one who would listen to his gripes and try to think of clever ways to cheer him up like giving him a back rub or suggesting a trip to Dairy Queen for a sweet treat. Coincidentally sweet treats always make me feel better. I could always think of a way to put a positive spin on the situation & alot of times he would brush it off but sometimes he would listen and actually agree to my logical thinking. Yep I'm smart.

I was the one who remembered every birthday & milestone and made sure to commemorate the day somehow. Every father's day I got him a card to celebrate the day with his sons, I made special treats every Valentine's Day, and on Christmas I made sure we had our own private celebration which of course involved me getting him three too many gifts tailored to his every wish. I've always been good at picking out the gift that fits the person's personality and style yet pulls at their heartstrings just enough to show them that I really care about them. He always knew that he could count on me and I know he took comfort in that because I was always the first person he called when something happened in his life big or small.

He never was one to dance when we went out but I was always the first one out on the dancefloor. In our relationship I was always the one who would freely share my feelings but he would always clam up and what fun is that when you can't be open with someone? Just knowing that I was so open and fun with him shows me that I am capable of being that way again with someone special. I always used to scoff at people who say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but maybe they're right. I took a chance and fell for someone who at one time was open to the adventure of love and although he later changed his mind I found that I was capable of being good in a relationship. I did everything I could and that's all I needed to do.

I'm also glad that I discovered that maintaining a happy and health relationship with someone is hard work. I miss the companionship but it's nice to be able to focus on my personal growth and making sure that my emotional needs are met. It's definitely important to focus on those things when you are in a relationship but you don't always have time to do that as you have to make yourself available to the needs of someone else and it's easy to get lost in that role because I certainly did. I guess I could also look at things in another light completely and just say, "Girl you really dodged a bullet there" cause I totally did. Oh, dress is by Banana Republic shoes are Antonio Melani.