Well we are T minus 6 days until my 30th birthday and I'm really starting to freak out about it. I thought that I had a good handle on everything. I planned to take that day off of work and spend the day relaxing & treating myself to some pampering so that I wouldn't really think about it then yesterday I get a card in the mail. It was from a former co-worker of my mom and it was in a pink envelope. I got excited to open it because I knew it must be a birthday card and it was my favorite color. I tore open the envelope and there it was in giant colorful letters Happy 30th Birthday. I am fully aware of what birthday this is but seeing it on paper made it real all of the sudden. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I usually display all of my birthday cards on the dresser for at least a week but this time I shoved the card back into the envelope and hid it.
I know I sound like a crazy person but I really couldn't handle it. It's like I've been trying to run away from it but somehow it found me. It's inevitable that I will get older. People turn 40, 50, even 60 and still seem to be living their lives and enjoying it so why can't I get past 3-0? I know exactly why so I don't know why I pretend not to know. I am mourning the loss of my 20's because there are so many things I wish I would have done in the past 9 years but I didn't. I made mistakes, I didn't take risks, at times I was scared of my own shadow and ashamed to be myself. It was only within the last year that I finally began to understand that I was not living an authentic life and that the only thing standing in the way of my true happiness was me. I've been on quite the journey of self revelation and I have to say I'm beginning to like the person that I really am underneath all of the labels I've been given from other people throughout my life.
I've tried to come up with a list of things I have done in the past 29 years so I wouldn't feel so defeated. So far I've listed that I have a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, & I think that I have a good sense of humor. Ironically enough when I listed those things the first thought that came to my mind was the fact that I haven't used those degrees in the way I had planned and humor is subject to the audience in which you're addressing. I have to stop that. Here are the facts, I have two degrees and I graduated with honors with both of them and I am proud of that. No they haven't yet gotten me where I planned to go but I know that they will because I'm currently laying the groundwork for a successful career with the job that I spent 7 years trying to get. In my opinion I am a humorous person because I can find the humor &/or irony in almost everything. I laugh at myself often & not that it matters, but other people have told me that I'm funny. Doesn't that sound self-affirming? I learned that from Iyanla Vanzant circa Oprah. I will need to come up with more than that I think to make it through my actual birthday but this is a good start. I wonder how other people have dealt with this. I know there is still time for me to meet my goals and live the life I've dreamed so why can't I accept this age?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Cute outfit Sunday
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Caught Off Guard
I truly believe that the coolest thing about each day we're given on this earth is the fact that at the start of the day you have no idea what the day will bring. You plan to go on vacation but your flight gets canceled. You went to sleep not knowing how to pay an unexpected bill and you wake up with a phone call from a family member giving you money because they just knew you needed it. Good and bad things that you don't plan on happening simply happen sometime and it's always interesting to see how people deal with the unexpected.
My Sunday was very typical. I went to church with my mom and then I went into work for a few hours because I was covering for a co-worker who is vacationing on a cruise ship somewhere. I stopped by Panera on the way home to get my current favorite meal Fuji apple chicken salad and chicken tortilla soup with green tea and a giant chocolate chip cookie. I settled in at home, ate my lunch, and snuggled up in a blanket on the couch as I had planned on falling into a peaceful napping state while watching the Pop-up Video edition of Jersey Shore when I got a text from my ex that said:
"I know things didn't end up the way we imagined, but I wanted you to know that I really miss the positive person that you are and I hate the way that I just let you go. I shouldn't have been afraid of how I felt. I regret how I handled a lot of things. I don't know why I'm babbling, but I wanted you to know that you had more of an impact on me than I thought possible. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it. You are an amazing person and I'm an ass and a dumb one at that."
How on earth do I respond to that? I've spent an entire year trying to get over him. He broke up with me in an email so it's fitting that he apologize over a text message I suppose. The thing is this whole time I believed that I was in the relationship by myself. I poured my heart out to him and he did not reciprocate. I took a new job and left town and it didn't seem to phase him at all. I've worn out copies of all my Adele cd's, singlehandedly kept the Kleenex corporation in business crying into their tissues for hours at a time, and I can sing the lyrics to Sara Bareilles Gravity in my sleep. I finally began to heal and feel like I had grown from the pain that was the dissolution of our relationship and then he finally says to me everything that I wished he would have said when I walked out that door 6 months ago.
I thought I would yell or scream and curse him like I had always imagined myself doing. I spent 20 minutes thinking of how to respond and then I realized that so many women who go through a breakup like this never get an apology. I was lucky. I thought that he didn't care when all this time he did. I felt relieved because I was finally able to confirm that it really wasn't me it was him all along and I can be free. I told him that I appreciated hearing his words because I did and he went on to say that he had been very depressed since my departure and had bottled everything up inside so he had to get it off his chest. Did hearing this make me happy? No it didn't because as hurt as I was a part of me still cares about him and probably always will. But I will admit I took a little pleasure in hearing that.
Of course now you're wondering what this all means and quite frankly so am I. The day I found out through friends that he was interested in me was at the time the most beautifully unexpected moment of my life up to that point but 3 years later look what that has gotten me. He didn't say that he wanted to get back together with me nor did he say that he wanted to speak to me in person or over the phone to further explain himself and I really think he should have. There is so much that was left unsaid and I have so many questions but I was so grateful for the apology that I didn't push him for anything more. It's possible that he does this to all his past girlfriends and plays the apology game when he decides he wants them back. It's also very possible that he was being sincere.
Have I gone back and read that text message 25 times analyzing every single word? You know I have. I have not decided what I should do next. Should I invite him to Starbucks for a chat? Do I wait for him to come crawling back? Do I just ignore what he said and walk away? I honestly don't know what to do. So much has happened I can't even begin to list the changes that would have to take place in order to have a healthy relationship with him so for now I will do nothing and wait for the next unexpected event because sometimes life just decides for you.
My Sunday was very typical. I went to church with my mom and then I went into work for a few hours because I was covering for a co-worker who is vacationing on a cruise ship somewhere. I stopped by Panera on the way home to get my current favorite meal Fuji apple chicken salad and chicken tortilla soup with green tea and a giant chocolate chip cookie. I settled in at home, ate my lunch, and snuggled up in a blanket on the couch as I had planned on falling into a peaceful napping state while watching the Pop-up Video edition of Jersey Shore when I got a text from my ex that said:
"I know things didn't end up the way we imagined, but I wanted you to know that I really miss the positive person that you are and I hate the way that I just let you go. I shouldn't have been afraid of how I felt. I regret how I handled a lot of things. I don't know why I'm babbling, but I wanted you to know that you had more of an impact on me than I thought possible. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it. You are an amazing person and I'm an ass and a dumb one at that."
How on earth do I respond to that? I've spent an entire year trying to get over him. He broke up with me in an email so it's fitting that he apologize over a text message I suppose. The thing is this whole time I believed that I was in the relationship by myself. I poured my heart out to him and he did not reciprocate. I took a new job and left town and it didn't seem to phase him at all. I've worn out copies of all my Adele cd's, singlehandedly kept the Kleenex corporation in business crying into their tissues for hours at a time, and I can sing the lyrics to Sara Bareilles Gravity in my sleep. I finally began to heal and feel like I had grown from the pain that was the dissolution of our relationship and then he finally says to me everything that I wished he would have said when I walked out that door 6 months ago.
I thought I would yell or scream and curse him like I had always imagined myself doing. I spent 20 minutes thinking of how to respond and then I realized that so many women who go through a breakup like this never get an apology. I was lucky. I thought that he didn't care when all this time he did. I felt relieved because I was finally able to confirm that it really wasn't me it was him all along and I can be free. I told him that I appreciated hearing his words because I did and he went on to say that he had been very depressed since my departure and had bottled everything up inside so he had to get it off his chest. Did hearing this make me happy? No it didn't because as hurt as I was a part of me still cares about him and probably always will. But I will admit I took a little pleasure in hearing that.
Of course now you're wondering what this all means and quite frankly so am I. The day I found out through friends that he was interested in me was at the time the most beautifully unexpected moment of my life up to that point but 3 years later look what that has gotten me. He didn't say that he wanted to get back together with me nor did he say that he wanted to speak to me in person or over the phone to further explain himself and I really think he should have. There is so much that was left unsaid and I have so many questions but I was so grateful for the apology that I didn't push him for anything more. It's possible that he does this to all his past girlfriends and plays the apology game when he decides he wants them back. It's also very possible that he was being sincere.
Have I gone back and read that text message 25 times analyzing every single word? You know I have. I have not decided what I should do next. Should I invite him to Starbucks for a chat? Do I wait for him to come crawling back? Do I just ignore what he said and walk away? I honestly don't know what to do. So much has happened I can't even begin to list the changes that would have to take place in order to have a healthy relationship with him so for now I will do nothing and wait for the next unexpected event because sometimes life just decides for you.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Outfit of the Day
Love this outfit so thought I would share it. Teddie Dress in decadent red & suede prong belt both from J. Crew. Buckle boots Madden Girl.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
A few finds
My 5 inch colorblock heels came today! These have been the bright spot to an otherwise gloomy Saturday as the high today was only 35 degrees. I cannot wait to take these girls for a spin in the Spring weather!
I also was able to get the crystal braided belt from J.Crew that I've been dying to have since November. They got some more sizes in during their winter sale a few weeks ago so I snagged this beauty for $30.
Here are two colorful outfits I put together during our very mild winter. Hoping to put these sweaters and Uggs away for several months if the weather will cooperate.
My spring wardrobe must have list is getting longer & longer each day so more pictures to come as sale prices roll in :)
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