Confession

Confession, I texted the dreaded ex today. Why you ask? Am I a masochist? Probably, but the real reason is simple. I was bored. It's Saturday night and I'm sitting home alone eating a bacon cheeseburger and watching Moneyball simply for the fact that is was nominated for an Oscar and Brad Pitt is in it. I wanted to carry on a conversation of mindless chatter and I knew that he would provide that for me, at least that's what I had hoped. I sent him a useless message three hours ago and he has yet to respond. I imagine he's still mad at me for not replying to the text message he sent me two weeks ago but it didn't require a response as he only sent me a statement about a show I haven't watched in two years. In true passive aggressive fashion he will likely respond to me some time tomorrow afternoon making up an excuse for not replying when I am 99% sure he's been at home all weekend playing video games.

The whole idea of even contacting him came from a conversation I had earlier this week. I had the pleasure of having dinner after work with a girl I used to work with at my first job out of college. We were both loan processors for a mortgage company and became fast friends over our general dislike of our jobs. In what turned out to be the biggest blessing of our lives we were both laid off by that company & started working for the same insurance company. Still a thankless job but it paid better than our old jobs. We had kept in touch but hadn't actually seen each other in nearly 4 years until this past Wednesday. She recently became engaged to her boyfriend of 7 years and it's a very exciting time for them both. I remember when we started working together they were only 20 years old and had just bought a house together. They are getting married in Niagara Falls and having a wedding reception in town in the fall. I must say I'm very grateful I don't have to attend their wedding stag. At least with a reception I can sneak in, scarf down a piece of cake, wish them the best, and sneak right back out all in a span of 15 minutes.

She's incredibly happy. She's also trying to get into the HR field and I was so happy to have the opportunity to give her the "Your dreams will eventually come true" pep talk that I had to give myself for the past 8 years until things finally worked out. She asked me about my job and I actually had something to say. Before when people would ask me about my job I had to come up with different ways to make customer service drone sound interesting but now that I've finally landed the job I've always wanted I'm no longer ashamed to talk about what I do. The best part of the night was the fact that I was out of the house for a reason other than work. Sadly that was the first social interaction I've had in the past 4 months since I moved back to town.

It was also fun to find out what had been happening at the company since I left. Hearing gossip about the place you hated working at always makes the beverage your sipping on taste even sweeter. She mentioned some of the things going on and I knew my ex was getting the brunt of some of that so I sent him a text to inquire how things were going at work. I of course already knew the answer but I was looking for an excuse to contact him and I was feeling weak. One of the blogs I follow challenged its readers to spend 30 days wishing happiness to someone who has done you wrong so I've done that for my ex. I'm only 6 days in and its hard to say it out loud but surprisingly each day it gets a little easier. I know he's miserable not because of my absence but because of a series of things from his past that he refuses to let go of. I've actually prayed that he will learn to let it go and let love in. Clearly there is something very wrong with me to actively be wishing him well right?

All of this being the bigger person crap has left me a little distraught as I'm sure he's not doing the same for me and I feel like a fool for not being completely over him yet. When these failure thoughts start to take over my mind I try to counteract them by doing some good. A very special friend of mine has a celebration taking place in her family next week so I went out to buy a gift to help her celebrate. I found several options and narrowed it down to two but I just couldn't decide. I came across the sweetest salesperson and some other random lady who why buying gifts for someone and they helped me confirm my first choice was the best. Had I stayed home and stewed in the grief of my deceased relationship I would have missed out on meeting two really nice individuals. Not to mention the fact that I would have missed out on a great sale.

I stopped by the shoe department on my way out to take a look at the sale room and I found the 5 inch colorblock pumps I had been eyeing for the past 6 weeks. They had my size and they were on sale for the exact price that I was willing to pay for them. I slipped those glorious heels on my feet only to find that they were a bit snug. Of course they didn't have a half-size larger because that would have made the day too perfect, but Sean my shoe fairy for the day called around to 5 different stores before he located the size and he is having them shipped directly to my house. I know it's his job to do that but I was so grateful because I really needed a nice pick-me-up today. Oh, and don't worry pictures of the shoes are to come in 7-10 business days.....

Valentine's Day......Again

Valentine's Day comes on the same date every year and inevitably I'm never emotionally prepared for it. Last year I spent the day preparing small surprises for a man who didn't care but had the decency to say thank you. I'm not sure that you can truly consider someone your valentine if you are emphatically not theirs. I have since dropped that dead weight but I am facing my 29th Valentine's Day without a true valentine yet again. I guess I cannot say that truthfully because for 29 years my mother has always been my valentine.

Of course when I was little she would help me pick out the coolest valentine's to give to my classmates and she would always get me some candy or other little pink & red gifts to make me feel special. Even in high school she would tuck a little valentine in my coat pocket or book bag just to show she cared. I remember thinking how lame that was because other girls in my class had real valentine's because they had boyfriends who would get them flowers or cheap jewelry and take them out to dinner. Thinking back on it now I didn't even realize how lucky I was. I had someone that loved me and was willing to show it in the simplest way. Isn't that the whole point of the day is to show love? Even to this day she still gets me a little bag filled with strawberry creme hearts because she knows they are my favorite and I always look forward to that. I usually get her a little gift as well because I do love her and because I know my father will forget. He's always dropped the ball in the romance department but that story deserves it's own separate post.

Many people say that Valentine's Day is simply a commercial holiday where "the man" plays on our emotions to get us to buy things especially when many of us are still broke from maxing out our credit cards during Christmas 7 weeks ago. I would agree with that statement we really don't need to spend a lot of money to show love to people who should already know that we love them by showing them love through our actions on a daily basis; however, watching half the women in your office get roses while your desk is left with an empty space stings a little. I don't need a relationship to validate my existence but dang it's nice to have a man buy you stuff!

There is always someone who has it worse than me whether they are in poor physical health or currently unemployed while I am in good health and have a job that I really like. When I start to think poor me I try to think of those people who really have something to complain about. Valentine's Day should be a fun day because it celebrates love and you don't have to be in a romantic relationship to show love. I love seeing all the pink & red flowers, the balloons, & candy that floods the aisles of the stores. Fortunately I have a job so I can afford to indulge in buying myself some of those items and it puts a smile on my face and that's exactly what I did this weekend. I will wear red to work that day because it's festive and I think it's fun. I will also make sure to focus on showing love & kindness to others that day that may have no one else in their lives to do that and I have a feeling I won't be miserable or feel lonely at all.