Pampered Schmuck

Last night I found myself participating in a gathering that I had no business attending. I was invited to a Pampered Chef party and actually went. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't have one domestic bone in my body. I originally tried to think of an excuse I could give to get out of going to this party but it was being hosted by a friend who is trying to start a new life with her son and I wanted to support her moving on so I went.

I arrived and went into the kitchen for the cooking demonstration when I noticed that everyone but me had their shoes off. I of course was wearing a fierce pair of purple patent leather boots that matched the purplish sweater that I had on so the plan was to look cute. Any social gathering calls for a fab outfit because let's face it I don't get invited out anywhere very often these days. I took solace in the fact that my friend didn't require me to remove my boots and I immediately sat down when offered a seat because the pointy toe on those boots were killing me.

She started making a fizzy punch beverage by slicing some limes with a fancy blade contraption and one of the other guests began talking about all the Pampered Chef items she already owned. Within 20 minutes of her gabbing during the cooking demonstration we all discovered that she was originally from Chicago and pronounces certain words differently, was in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend who is 4 years younger than her and who she has no intentions of marrying or having children with him because she's a 20th century girl whatever that means. She has also been to 8 parties in the last year so she was a Pampered Chef expert in her own right and probably helped raise my friend's sales by 30%.

Once she started making some little toasted sandwiches, another guest pipped up saying how wonderful she thought a cookie scooper would be when making hundreds of Christmas cookies with her kids. Another guest was gushing about how easily she could measure things with some fancy measuring cup that she had on display. Then another guest added how easily she could ice a cake with their fancy spatula. "Who are these people?" I thought to myself. "And what is a spatula?" They had boyfriends and spouses and children to feed. They actually cook dinner for their families. The only utensils I own are a Pampered Chef ice cream scooper (cause it really it the best and because I eat sorbet sometimes) and 10-20 take out menus because I would starve if I didn't order my food from someone who has already cooked it for me.

They all whipped out their checkbooks at the end of the demonstration and ordered up a storm. I looked through the catalogue twice and all I wanted to buy where a set of polk-a-dot martini glasses simply for the fact that they looked cute and were on sale for less than $30. When did they learn all of this stuff? Aren't I supposed to have the desire to make my own chicken marsala? (Is that a real dish?)My mom attempted to teach me how to cook when I was younger but it was a disaster so she just made loading and emptying the dishwasher my job and prayed that I would someday meet a man without a stomach so my inadequacies would not be exposed.

I then popped a chocolate raspberry tart in my mouth that she made for dessert and added can't cook to the never ending list of reasons why I'm still single that I keep in my head. I'm the Pampered Schmuck. I've found that people ask me that question alot when they see me lately so I like to be prepared with something partially witty yet painfully truthful. "Why haven't you met someone yet?" Because all the available men are taking a cooking class that I cannot pass. "Why hasn't some great guy snatched you up yet?" Because I may kill him by serving him undercooked meat since I was too cheap to buy the meat thermometer. Lucky for me I still manage to survive on Panera and McDonald's alone.