The abyss of failure

This weekend has been a rough one. About 6 months ago I ended a two year relationship that was easily the worst mistake of my entire life. I suppose I should use the term "relationship" loosely as I was informed towards the end of our run that he never actually considered us in a relationship. I believe he referred to us as "as close to a real relationship that he had in long time". After working a string of entry level customer service jobs for the past 7 years of my life I had been determined to find a job in human resources which had been my goal for about 3 years but knowing that I would be leaving that office where I had to see him everyday was a big motivator.

I have to admit that I have been so busy with my new job that I honestly haven't had time to think about him but this weekend I lost my battle with the flu and have spent the past 36 hours in bed coughing, blowing my nose, and of course thinking about all of my past failures. When you're physically feeling like crap it's a lot easier to fall into the "abyss of failure". I should clarify that when I said I ended the relationship actually he did. Things weren't moving forward and he was being distant so I asked what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship among some other hurtful things so things pretty much ended there.

When I first got together with him I knew that he probably wasn't the best choice for me but I was so tired of being alone and he was the first person to show any interest in me in years so I thought I would give him a chance and see where things went. I never thought that he would turn out to be so narcissistic and miserable. We would have good days and then he would be closed off and angry. Knowing what I know now I'm not really sure if he ever actually cared about me or that the good times were actually good. I tried to make things work even when they clearly weren't but he would just act so miserable and being around him would make me sad. Being away from him is definitely better for me and I feel freer but I still cannot forgive myself for getting involved with him in the first place.

I've spent the last 6 months trying to come with grips with the fact that I will be 30 years old and single. I imagined that I would have found someone by now and gotten married but now I have to accept that things will not be that way. I keep thinking that maybe I missed that great love when I was wasting my time in a dead end relationship with the wrong person. I'm older now and let's face it men like to look for a young pretty face when they are on the hunt for love and I am no longer a spring chicken. Maybe I won't get another chance at true love and I have to say that is scary but honestly it's not as scary as what I feared would have happened to me if I stayed in that town with that job and that man (I use the term man loosely as a real man wouldn't treat a woman that way). He didn't want a committed relationship but he was totally open to a causal one which basically meant that we would hangout and hook up when it was convenient for him. I could have easily slipped into that nonsense but I knew that I deserved better so thankfully I was able to get out of that situation.

I am doing much better for myself and even though I've only been in this job for 3 weeks I know that I've made the right decision for my personal and professional life. Unfortunately, this demon of my relationship with this man still haunts me. I knew better than to become involved with him but I still did it and the consequences run deep. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself for being so foolish as to fall for him. If my friends knew the details of what I put up with during those 2 years they would be ashamed and I still feel embarrassed that I was a part of that. I have physically moved away but will there ever come a day when my spirit will finally detach itself from the notion that the past could have been any different? It happened and it's over now but I still carry around that shame and I don't want to continue to mask it with sarcasm because I'm finding that is no longer effective even though I've become very good at it.