If you ever want to be reminded of why you broke up with someone simply talk to them for 5 minutes and the reasons become painfully familiar. For some reason I spent most of the day thinking about my dreaded ex in a positive light. Ok, full disclosure the reason I've been thinking fondly of him is because he texted me out of the blue on Saturday to give me his new cell phone number. The nostalgic part of me believed that he did this because he still cares about me and wants to stay in touch with me. Thinking this way actually made me smile. The realistic part of me knows that he did it because he wants to stay in touch with me in case he wants something from me.
After getting this magical text, I decided to ask him a work related question. I had to get some information about some free resources for the public to use in a town he used to live in as we have potential applicants there. I thought this would be the gateway to a real meaningful conversation but alas it was not. I asked him the question and he gave me two responses one of them a possible good lead and the other was so completely ridiculous I honestly thought he was joking. Unfortuantely he was not. He truly believed he was being helpful. He went on to offer another vague suggestion and I was more than ready to end our brief electronic reunion. I said ok to his first response but I didn't even acknowledge his second one.
How could I have forgotten that he usually is not helpful at all? I can always count on him to do the bare minimum. It reminded me of a time when I asked him a health realted question that I thought he would know the answer to since he was so obessed with physical fitness. All he did was put it into an online search engine and told me what it said. Wow, like I didn't think of doing that myself. He is the self-proclaimed master of everything but he gets 5% of his knowledge from life experience and 95% of his information from google. This means that he is wrong 95% of the time. The other 5% I think ends up being a lucky guess or information from reliable gossip contacts.
Not to fret my friends I am now seeing him clearly and celebrating the fact that I no longer speak to him on a regular basis. The problem is, there is still a chance that I will fall into bad place down the road even briefly when I will again feel like maybe we could work something out. I will agree to go to dinner with him and then before we have even finished our appetizers I will be reminded of why we are not meant to be and then have to decide if I have the strength to put down some money and leave early or stay and end up doing something I'll regret just so I won't be lonely for the night. This is what I like to call the ex-factor....well myself and Lauyrn Hill. He'll want to be with me for the night but be frightened in the morning because it will feel too much like committment but then a few days later he may want a listening ear to vent his frustrations to so he'll call his faithful standby.....me. At least I have my freedom and the sense to know that I will likely always be much smarter than him. Don't judge me every small victory counts!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Pampered Schmuck
Last night I found myself participating in a gathering that I had no business attending. I was invited to a Pampered Chef party and actually went. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't have one domestic bone in my body. I originally tried to think of an excuse I could give to get out of going to this party but it was being hosted by a friend who is trying to start a new life with her son and I wanted to support her moving on so I went.
I arrived and went into the kitchen for the cooking demonstration when I noticed that everyone but me had their shoes off. I of course was wearing a fierce pair of purple patent leather boots that matched the purplish sweater that I had on so the plan was to look cute. Any social gathering calls for a fab outfit because let's face it I don't get invited out anywhere very often these days. I took solace in the fact that my friend didn't require me to remove my boots and I immediately sat down when offered a seat because the pointy toe on those boots were killing me.
She started making a fizzy punch beverage by slicing some limes with a fancy blade contraption and one of the other guests began talking about all the Pampered Chef items she already owned. Within 20 minutes of her gabbing during the cooking demonstration we all discovered that she was originally from Chicago and pronounces certain words differently, was in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend who is 4 years younger than her and who she has no intentions of marrying or having children with him because she's a 20th century girl whatever that means. She has also been to 8 parties in the last year so she was a Pampered Chef expert in her own right and probably helped raise my friend's sales by 30%.
Once she started making some little toasted sandwiches, another guest pipped up saying how wonderful she thought a cookie scooper would be when making hundreds of Christmas cookies with her kids. Another guest was gushing about how easily she could measure things with some fancy measuring cup that she had on display. Then another guest added how easily she could ice a cake with their fancy spatula. "Who are these people?" I thought to myself. "And what is a spatula?" They had boyfriends and spouses and children to feed. They actually cook dinner for their families. The only utensils I own are a Pampered Chef ice cream scooper (cause it really it the best and because I eat sorbet sometimes) and 10-20 take out menus because I would starve if I didn't order my food from someone who has already cooked it for me.
They all whipped out their checkbooks at the end of the demonstration and ordered up a storm. I looked through the catalogue twice and all I wanted to buy where a set of polk-a-dot martini glasses simply for the fact that they looked cute and were on sale for less than $30. When did they learn all of this stuff? Aren't I supposed to have the desire to make my own chicken marsala? (Is that a real dish?)My mom attempted to teach me how to cook when I was younger but it was a disaster so she just made loading and emptying the dishwasher my job and prayed that I would someday meet a man without a stomach so my inadequacies would not be exposed.
I then popped a chocolate raspberry tart in my mouth that she made for dessert and added can't cook to the never ending list of reasons why I'm still single that I keep in my head. I'm the Pampered Schmuck. I've found that people ask me that question alot when they see me lately so I like to be prepared with something partially witty yet painfully truthful. "Why haven't you met someone yet?" Because all the available men are taking a cooking class that I cannot pass. "Why hasn't some great guy snatched you up yet?" Because I may kill him by serving him undercooked meat since I was too cheap to buy the meat thermometer. Lucky for me I still manage to survive on Panera and McDonald's alone.
I arrived and went into the kitchen for the cooking demonstration when I noticed that everyone but me had their shoes off. I of course was wearing a fierce pair of purple patent leather boots that matched the purplish sweater that I had on so the plan was to look cute. Any social gathering calls for a fab outfit because let's face it I don't get invited out anywhere very often these days. I took solace in the fact that my friend didn't require me to remove my boots and I immediately sat down when offered a seat because the pointy toe on those boots were killing me.
She started making a fizzy punch beverage by slicing some limes with a fancy blade contraption and one of the other guests began talking about all the Pampered Chef items she already owned. Within 20 minutes of her gabbing during the cooking demonstration we all discovered that she was originally from Chicago and pronounces certain words differently, was in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend who is 4 years younger than her and who she has no intentions of marrying or having children with him because she's a 20th century girl whatever that means. She has also been to 8 parties in the last year so she was a Pampered Chef expert in her own right and probably helped raise my friend's sales by 30%.
Once she started making some little toasted sandwiches, another guest pipped up saying how wonderful she thought a cookie scooper would be when making hundreds of Christmas cookies with her kids. Another guest was gushing about how easily she could measure things with some fancy measuring cup that she had on display. Then another guest added how easily she could ice a cake with their fancy spatula. "Who are these people?" I thought to myself. "And what is a spatula?" They had boyfriends and spouses and children to feed. They actually cook dinner for their families. The only utensils I own are a Pampered Chef ice cream scooper (cause it really it the best and because I eat sorbet sometimes) and 10-20 take out menus because I would starve if I didn't order my food from someone who has already cooked it for me.
They all whipped out their checkbooks at the end of the demonstration and ordered up a storm. I looked through the catalogue twice and all I wanted to buy where a set of polk-a-dot martini glasses simply for the fact that they looked cute and were on sale for less than $30. When did they learn all of this stuff? Aren't I supposed to have the desire to make my own chicken marsala? (Is that a real dish?)My mom attempted to teach me how to cook when I was younger but it was a disaster so she just made loading and emptying the dishwasher my job and prayed that I would someday meet a man without a stomach so my inadequacies would not be exposed.
I then popped a chocolate raspberry tart in my mouth that she made for dessert and added can't cook to the never ending list of reasons why I'm still single that I keep in my head. I'm the Pampered Schmuck. I've found that people ask me that question alot when they see me lately so I like to be prepared with something partially witty yet painfully truthful. "Why haven't you met someone yet?" Because all the available men are taking a cooking class that I cannot pass. "Why hasn't some great guy snatched you up yet?" Because I may kill him by serving him undercooked meat since I was too cheap to buy the meat thermometer. Lucky for me I still manage to survive on Panera and McDonald's alone.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Bad Day
Well it's finally happened. Today I had my first bad day at work on my new job. Up until now I have certainly had my fair share of days when I felt incredibly overwhelmed with all of the new things I have had to learn but it was just a byproduct of training. Today I began my 8th week as an HR representative and I felt like a total failure. Everything that could go wrong totally did.
I came in this morning and before I could even set my purse down Donna one of my co-workers came in all flustered wondering who had entered information into the system for something she usually handles herself. It was me so I gave her the folder with the information in it. I of course forgot to copy the papers we got before sending the originals to the higher ups for review which is kind of a big deal since we don't actually get that paperwork back from them. She was able to get it back from our director before she took it into her meeting so the crisis was averted.
Donna came back into my office to have me make some changes to the information I entered onto the agenda for the directors' meeting. I made the changes and she asked me to send the corrected version out to all of the directors for the meeting that would be taking place in 10 minutes. I sent a friendly little email letting them know that I was sending a corrected copy. I immediately got an email back from our chief financial officer saying that the corrected copy was not attached. Of course I had been in such a rush to send it out that I actually forgot to attach the dang thing to the email. I had to send another message apologizing for my first message which was missing the document and then attached it. This is a big deal because our chief financial officer is our director's boss and she likes everything to be done precise and correct meaning no errors whatsoever. I have heard from every single person in our department to drop everything when she calls or emails you because whatever she needs is always a priority. I was able to get the email with the corrected document out to everyone 5 minutes before the meeting so crisis second averted.
I put away my lean cuisine pizza in the freezer for lunch and came back to my desk to put up my Christmas wreath which I had been very excited about all weekend because it was fun and I like decorating my office. I sat down to check my emails and two more of my co-workers came in to ask me if I made a copy of something else I had entered into the system. I hadn't but to be honest no one ever told me that I was supposed to copy those before entering them in. After some investigating they realized that this is something that Donna usually does before giving them to me so I actually would not have known to do it. The reason they weren't copied was because they came through the week that Donna was gone. This is a big deal because that copy goes to payroll and without it someone won't get paid. There were only two of them so they were able to make the copies and send them to payroll right away. Third crisis averted.
After the director's meeting my supervisor came into my office to ask me to change the font on certain areas on the agenda were the physicians' names were not wrapped around in the spreadsheet. I noticed it was that way for weeks but the person who trained me to do this never fixed it and no one ever said that they didn't like the way it looked so I left it that way. Of course today it was noticed and now they think that I was careless and didn't proof the agenda before I sent it out. She acted like it wasn't a big deal but I imagine it was our chief financial officer who pointed it out and asked that it be changed so actually it is important. I went in and fixed it to make sure it looks perfect for next week though so crisis four averted. All of this happened within the first hour of my day by the way.
Later this afternoon one of my co-workers was checking my work to make sure everything was correct. She had about 5 changes to make on some forms I completed but went on to say that it wasn't completely my fault because the paperwork I used to complete the forms was filled out incorrectly by the department. That's all fine and dandy but being handed something you worked on with red marks all over it never feels good.
I usually stay at least 15 minutes late to finish up things in preparation for the next day but I could not get out of there fast enough today. I drove home and decided to write about my sucky day as a way to vent and promised myself not to revisit at all for the rest of the evening. I will likely think about it later tonight but tomorrow is a new day and I will leave all these negative thoughts behind and vow to do better because that's really all I can do. Did I mention that I dialed the number for my co-worker Steve when I really meant to call my co-worker Lisa? I got their extensions mixed up because they are similar. Luckily he laughed about it and Lisa wasn't even at her desk.
The funny thing is last Friday I was just told by my supervisor and other co-workers how well they thought I was doing. In fact, they were impressed at how well I was taking initiative to do things and I was doing them much better than expected and then today happens. It is discouraging to say the least. I am trying so hard and it is imperative that I do well here because my whole career just may literally depend on it. I'm probably being too hard on myself but if I'm not I'm afraid that I will slip up and do something wrong....oh wait, that happened anyways. One thing I can promise you is that I will never forget to make a copy ever again in my life!
I came in this morning and before I could even set my purse down Donna one of my co-workers came in all flustered wondering who had entered information into the system for something she usually handles herself. It was me so I gave her the folder with the information in it. I of course forgot to copy the papers we got before sending the originals to the higher ups for review which is kind of a big deal since we don't actually get that paperwork back from them. She was able to get it back from our director before she took it into her meeting so the crisis was averted.
Donna came back into my office to have me make some changes to the information I entered onto the agenda for the directors' meeting. I made the changes and she asked me to send the corrected version out to all of the directors for the meeting that would be taking place in 10 minutes. I sent a friendly little email letting them know that I was sending a corrected copy. I immediately got an email back from our chief financial officer saying that the corrected copy was not attached. Of course I had been in such a rush to send it out that I actually forgot to attach the dang thing to the email. I had to send another message apologizing for my first message which was missing the document and then attached it. This is a big deal because our chief financial officer is our director's boss and she likes everything to be done precise and correct meaning no errors whatsoever. I have heard from every single person in our department to drop everything when she calls or emails you because whatever she needs is always a priority. I was able to get the email with the corrected document out to everyone 5 minutes before the meeting so crisis second averted.
I put away my lean cuisine pizza in the freezer for lunch and came back to my desk to put up my Christmas wreath which I had been very excited about all weekend because it was fun and I like decorating my office. I sat down to check my emails and two more of my co-workers came in to ask me if I made a copy of something else I had entered into the system. I hadn't but to be honest no one ever told me that I was supposed to copy those before entering them in. After some investigating they realized that this is something that Donna usually does before giving them to me so I actually would not have known to do it. The reason they weren't copied was because they came through the week that Donna was gone. This is a big deal because that copy goes to payroll and without it someone won't get paid. There were only two of them so they were able to make the copies and send them to payroll right away. Third crisis averted.
After the director's meeting my supervisor came into my office to ask me to change the font on certain areas on the agenda were the physicians' names were not wrapped around in the spreadsheet. I noticed it was that way for weeks but the person who trained me to do this never fixed it and no one ever said that they didn't like the way it looked so I left it that way. Of course today it was noticed and now they think that I was careless and didn't proof the agenda before I sent it out. She acted like it wasn't a big deal but I imagine it was our chief financial officer who pointed it out and asked that it be changed so actually it is important. I went in and fixed it to make sure it looks perfect for next week though so crisis four averted. All of this happened within the first hour of my day by the way.
Later this afternoon one of my co-workers was checking my work to make sure everything was correct. She had about 5 changes to make on some forms I completed but went on to say that it wasn't completely my fault because the paperwork I used to complete the forms was filled out incorrectly by the department. That's all fine and dandy but being handed something you worked on with red marks all over it never feels good.
I usually stay at least 15 minutes late to finish up things in preparation for the next day but I could not get out of there fast enough today. I drove home and decided to write about my sucky day as a way to vent and promised myself not to revisit at all for the rest of the evening. I will likely think about it later tonight but tomorrow is a new day and I will leave all these negative thoughts behind and vow to do better because that's really all I can do. Did I mention that I dialed the number for my co-worker Steve when I really meant to call my co-worker Lisa? I got their extensions mixed up because they are similar. Luckily he laughed about it and Lisa wasn't even at her desk.
The funny thing is last Friday I was just told by my supervisor and other co-workers how well they thought I was doing. In fact, they were impressed at how well I was taking initiative to do things and I was doing them much better than expected and then today happens. It is discouraging to say the least. I am trying so hard and it is imperative that I do well here because my whole career just may literally depend on it. I'm probably being too hard on myself but if I'm not I'm afraid that I will slip up and do something wrong....oh wait, that happened anyways. One thing I can promise you is that I will never forget to make a copy ever again in my life!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Will you be my bestie?
So I got a new purse on Saturday at Macy's for half-price. The funny thing is I hadn't planned on going shopping outside of my house on Thanksgiving weekend but my mom wanted to go to the new Ihop and to the mall to see if they had something sparkly for her to wear for the Christmas musical at church. Who am I to turn down a free meal involving all you can eat pancakes and shopping? Anyways, this particular purse has a little story behind it.
I walked over to the purse section and saw a shiny ocean blue Nine West handbag. I picked it up to admire it and then saw that it was on sale as part of a morning special that would end at 1pm. "Is this bag really half-price?", I said out loud because I really couldn't believe it. Then an adorable woman pushing her toddler around in a stroller at the table of purses next to me said, "Yeah they really are can you believe it?" and flashed me the friendliest smile I've seen in a long time. For about 5 minutes we were the best of friends talking about our favorite handbag brands and the crazy deals that we've found in the past on QVC. We both fell in love with the same purse in the same color and decided that we simply couldn't leave the store without it. She went her way with her son and her purse and I went my way with mine and that was the end of our relationship but I will think of her everytime I use this bag.
I never realized how starved I was for friendship until I met this woman. It felt so good to make a connection to someone I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. It's hard to make friends once you leave school. College was great because there was a whole campus full of potential friendships and living in such close proximity in the dorms made it nearly impossible not to make some kind of connection with people. I cultivated lifelong friendships there but when I left and moved back home I found it hard to make friends. My childhood and high school friends were either married or moved away so I didn't really know where I fit in. Four years later when I moved 2 hours away for a job I was able to make friends at work because several of us started at the same time so we spent a lot of time together in training and relationships naturally formed out of that.
Moving back home again has been hard because now I really don't know where I fit in. It's not as easy to make friends when your older. You try and put yourself out there by sitting in the breakroom at work smiling like an idiot hoping someone will take pity on you and sit at your table or you join a spin class and hope that the conversation you struck up with the sweaty person next to you will amount to much more. It's kind of like dating. If you are lucky enough to get an invite to a party or some Friday night outing you still feel the need to buy a new outfit and get your hair done just as if you going out on a date with some guy you've been crushing on for months. You get nervous wondering what you'll talk about over dinner and hope you have more in common than whatever the one thing is that caused you to start talking in the first place.
I still daydream about one day bumping into some fabulous girl and becoming her equally fabulous friend and we would be besties who see all the popular movies together, try out all the new restaurants as soon as they open up, vacation at luxurious hotspots, and call eachother to have a running commentary while watching our favorite reality tv shows. Ok, honestly if they lived closer I already have friends this fabulous but the only one who could afford my dream is probably Beyonce or Selena Gomez so I should probably think a little more realistically but honestly when have I ever done that?
I walked over to the purse section and saw a shiny ocean blue Nine West handbag. I picked it up to admire it and then saw that it was on sale as part of a morning special that would end at 1pm. "Is this bag really half-price?", I said out loud because I really couldn't believe it. Then an adorable woman pushing her toddler around in a stroller at the table of purses next to me said, "Yeah they really are can you believe it?" and flashed me the friendliest smile I've seen in a long time. For about 5 minutes we were the best of friends talking about our favorite handbag brands and the crazy deals that we've found in the past on QVC. We both fell in love with the same purse in the same color and decided that we simply couldn't leave the store without it. She went her way with her son and her purse and I went my way with mine and that was the end of our relationship but I will think of her everytime I use this bag.
I never realized how starved I was for friendship until I met this woman. It felt so good to make a connection to someone I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. It's hard to make friends once you leave school. College was great because there was a whole campus full of potential friendships and living in such close proximity in the dorms made it nearly impossible not to make some kind of connection with people. I cultivated lifelong friendships there but when I left and moved back home I found it hard to make friends. My childhood and high school friends were either married or moved away so I didn't really know where I fit in. Four years later when I moved 2 hours away for a job I was able to make friends at work because several of us started at the same time so we spent a lot of time together in training and relationships naturally formed out of that.
Moving back home again has been hard because now I really don't know where I fit in. It's not as easy to make friends when your older. You try and put yourself out there by sitting in the breakroom at work smiling like an idiot hoping someone will take pity on you and sit at your table or you join a spin class and hope that the conversation you struck up with the sweaty person next to you will amount to much more. It's kind of like dating. If you are lucky enough to get an invite to a party or some Friday night outing you still feel the need to buy a new outfit and get your hair done just as if you going out on a date with some guy you've been crushing on for months. You get nervous wondering what you'll talk about over dinner and hope you have more in common than whatever the one thing is that caused you to start talking in the first place.
I still daydream about one day bumping into some fabulous girl and becoming her equally fabulous friend and we would be besties who see all the popular movies together, try out all the new restaurants as soon as they open up, vacation at luxurious hotspots, and call eachother to have a running commentary while watching our favorite reality tv shows. Ok, honestly if they lived closer I already have friends this fabulous but the only one who could afford my dream is probably Beyonce or Selena Gomez so I should probably think a little more realistically but honestly when have I ever done that?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Back to the Grind
Today is the first day in my 4 week career as a human resource officer that my job felt like work. Don't get me wrong, the past few weeks haven't been a cakewalk. On average I have been scheduled to attend at least 3 meetings a day on top of being trained to do 3 very different HR functions. My head is literally ready to explode with all of the information I am currently trying to process but they never gave me any real responsibility until this week and let me tell you it's ultra glamorous! Please note the sarcasm in my voice here.
My daily responsibilities include entering information into a database, completing forms with information taken from already completed forms, and gently harassing department managers via email to send me another form signed by each of their employees so I can put it in their files. Somewhere my mother is trying to figure out why she paid all of this money on college for me to do a job that a monkey can do. To be perfectly honest I think an actual monkey used to do my job until PETA intervened and made them hire a naive and eager lady like myself.
To be honest, it took me about 3 weeks to even grasp an understanding of what these forms are that I am handling and why it is important that we track what appears to be trivial information. This was busywork for two of my co-workers who have much greater responsibilities to attend to everyday so they were genuinely thankful that I have learned things well enough to take this off their plate. Even though it's not life changing work that I'm doing I do feel a sense of pride in doing it. I took a chance to do something different and I'm doing it fairly well even though I don't fully understand it so I'm back to grinding.
They make me attend all of those endless meetings because when my co-workers are out on vacation or taking a sick day, I will be expected to jump in and take their place. I am basically an understudy for my more seasoned counterparts. I have to learn every aspect of their jobs in case they need my help or they are gone and our director needs information that they normally have. This is a big deal although I'm not sure how often I will really be utilized for this. I am thankful all the same though because I am learning a lot. They treat me as if I am a part of the family that has been there for years. They see my role just as vitally as their own and that makes me want to file all the papers I can just to show them my appreciation. They let me tag along on seminars and meetings off campus which is a great opportunity because it means I get a chance to network with other HR professionals in the community and more importantly, they usually serve great food.
I still feel a little silly dressing up for work everyday because I look at our directors and my manager dressed in their suits and think to myself "They are dressed for a purpose. People will see and listen to them so what on earth am I doing wearing heels to sit at my desk all day?" They always say you should dress for the job you want so I always try to dress as if I'm actually important. The funny thing is, people outside of work probably think that I am. You should see the looks I get at the grocery store when I trot through there after work with my fancy heels clicking loudly. People stop what they're doing and turn to look at me. Some look annoyed but others look impressed. Hopefully one day I will be important and then I can justify spending $200 on a herringbone jacket from J. Crew. Oh who am I kidding, I can justify any clothing purchase at any given time even if I only have $3 in my checking account.....which may or may not have actually happened to me once.
My daily responsibilities include entering information into a database, completing forms with information taken from already completed forms, and gently harassing department managers via email to send me another form signed by each of their employees so I can put it in their files. Somewhere my mother is trying to figure out why she paid all of this money on college for me to do a job that a monkey can do. To be perfectly honest I think an actual monkey used to do my job until PETA intervened and made them hire a naive and eager lady like myself.
To be honest, it took me about 3 weeks to even grasp an understanding of what these forms are that I am handling and why it is important that we track what appears to be trivial information. This was busywork for two of my co-workers who have much greater responsibilities to attend to everyday so they were genuinely thankful that I have learned things well enough to take this off their plate. Even though it's not life changing work that I'm doing I do feel a sense of pride in doing it. I took a chance to do something different and I'm doing it fairly well even though I don't fully understand it so I'm back to grinding.
They make me attend all of those endless meetings because when my co-workers are out on vacation or taking a sick day, I will be expected to jump in and take their place. I am basically an understudy for my more seasoned counterparts. I have to learn every aspect of their jobs in case they need my help or they are gone and our director needs information that they normally have. This is a big deal although I'm not sure how often I will really be utilized for this. I am thankful all the same though because I am learning a lot. They treat me as if I am a part of the family that has been there for years. They see my role just as vitally as their own and that makes me want to file all the papers I can just to show them my appreciation. They let me tag along on seminars and meetings off campus which is a great opportunity because it means I get a chance to network with other HR professionals in the community and more importantly, they usually serve great food.
I still feel a little silly dressing up for work everyday because I look at our directors and my manager dressed in their suits and think to myself "They are dressed for a purpose. People will see and listen to them so what on earth am I doing wearing heels to sit at my desk all day?" They always say you should dress for the job you want so I always try to dress as if I'm actually important. The funny thing is, people outside of work probably think that I am. You should see the looks I get at the grocery store when I trot through there after work with my fancy heels clicking loudly. People stop what they're doing and turn to look at me. Some look annoyed but others look impressed. Hopefully one day I will be important and then I can justify spending $200 on a herringbone jacket from J. Crew. Oh who am I kidding, I can justify any clothing purchase at any given time even if I only have $3 in my checking account.....which may or may not have actually happened to me once.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The abyss of failure
This weekend has been a rough one. About 6 months ago I ended a two year relationship that was easily the worst mistake of my entire life. I suppose I should use the term "relationship" loosely as I was informed towards the end of our run that he never actually considered us in a relationship. I believe he referred to us as "as close to a real relationship that he had in long time". After working a string of entry level customer service jobs for the past 7 years of my life I had been determined to find a job in human resources which had been my goal for about 3 years but knowing that I would be leaving that office where I had to see him everyday was a big motivator.
I have to admit that I have been so busy with my new job that I honestly haven't had time to think about him but this weekend I lost my battle with the flu and have spent the past 36 hours in bed coughing, blowing my nose, and of course thinking about all of my past failures. When you're physically feeling like crap it's a lot easier to fall into the "abyss of failure". I should clarify that when I said I ended the relationship actually he did. Things weren't moving forward and he was being distant so I asked what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship among some other hurtful things so things pretty much ended there.
When I first got together with him I knew that he probably wasn't the best choice for me but I was so tired of being alone and he was the first person to show any interest in me in years so I thought I would give him a chance and see where things went. I never thought that he would turn out to be so narcissistic and miserable. We would have good days and then he would be closed off and angry. Knowing what I know now I'm not really sure if he ever actually cared about me or that the good times were actually good. I tried to make things work even when they clearly weren't but he would just act so miserable and being around him would make me sad. Being away from him is definitely better for me and I feel freer but I still cannot forgive myself for getting involved with him in the first place.
I've spent the last 6 months trying to come with grips with the fact that I will be 30 years old and single. I imagined that I would have found someone by now and gotten married but now I have to accept that things will not be that way. I keep thinking that maybe I missed that great love when I was wasting my time in a dead end relationship with the wrong person. I'm older now and let's face it men like to look for a young pretty face when they are on the hunt for love and I am no longer a spring chicken. Maybe I won't get another chance at true love and I have to say that is scary but honestly it's not as scary as what I feared would have happened to me if I stayed in that town with that job and that man (I use the term man loosely as a real man wouldn't treat a woman that way). He didn't want a committed relationship but he was totally open to a causal one which basically meant that we would hangout and hook up when it was convenient for him. I could have easily slipped into that nonsense but I knew that I deserved better so thankfully I was able to get out of that situation.
I am doing much better for myself and even though I've only been in this job for 3 weeks I know that I've made the right decision for my personal and professional life. Unfortunately, this demon of my relationship with this man still haunts me. I knew better than to become involved with him but I still did it and the consequences run deep. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself for being so foolish as to fall for him. If my friends knew the details of what I put up with during those 2 years they would be ashamed and I still feel embarrassed that I was a part of that. I have physically moved away but will there ever come a day when my spirit will finally detach itself from the notion that the past could have been any different? It happened and it's over now but I still carry around that shame and I don't want to continue to mask it with sarcasm because I'm finding that is no longer effective even though I've become very good at it.
I have to admit that I have been so busy with my new job that I honestly haven't had time to think about him but this weekend I lost my battle with the flu and have spent the past 36 hours in bed coughing, blowing my nose, and of course thinking about all of my past failures. When you're physically feeling like crap it's a lot easier to fall into the "abyss of failure". I should clarify that when I said I ended the relationship actually he did. Things weren't moving forward and he was being distant so I asked what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship among some other hurtful things so things pretty much ended there.
When I first got together with him I knew that he probably wasn't the best choice for me but I was so tired of being alone and he was the first person to show any interest in me in years so I thought I would give him a chance and see where things went. I never thought that he would turn out to be so narcissistic and miserable. We would have good days and then he would be closed off and angry. Knowing what I know now I'm not really sure if he ever actually cared about me or that the good times were actually good. I tried to make things work even when they clearly weren't but he would just act so miserable and being around him would make me sad. Being away from him is definitely better for me and I feel freer but I still cannot forgive myself for getting involved with him in the first place.
I've spent the last 6 months trying to come with grips with the fact that I will be 30 years old and single. I imagined that I would have found someone by now and gotten married but now I have to accept that things will not be that way. I keep thinking that maybe I missed that great love when I was wasting my time in a dead end relationship with the wrong person. I'm older now and let's face it men like to look for a young pretty face when they are on the hunt for love and I am no longer a spring chicken. Maybe I won't get another chance at true love and I have to say that is scary but honestly it's not as scary as what I feared would have happened to me if I stayed in that town with that job and that man (I use the term man loosely as a real man wouldn't treat a woman that way). He didn't want a committed relationship but he was totally open to a causal one which basically meant that we would hangout and hook up when it was convenient for him. I could have easily slipped into that nonsense but I knew that I deserved better so thankfully I was able to get out of that situation.
I am doing much better for myself and even though I've only been in this job for 3 weeks I know that I've made the right decision for my personal and professional life. Unfortunately, this demon of my relationship with this man still haunts me. I knew better than to become involved with him but I still did it and the consequences run deep. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself for being so foolish as to fall for him. If my friends knew the details of what I put up with during those 2 years they would be ashamed and I still feel embarrassed that I was a part of that. I have physically moved away but will there ever come a day when my spirit will finally detach itself from the notion that the past could have been any different? It happened and it's over now but I still carry around that shame and I don't want to continue to mask it with sarcasm because I'm finding that is no longer effective even though I've become very good at it.
Monday, October 17, 2011
First day of my first real job
Today I started my dream job. Well it's not my ultimate dream job but it is an HR generalist position which means I will get exposure to all of the basic HR functions and it is a step into the right direction of meeting other career dreams of mine. I've been trying to get my foot in the door of an HR department for the past 4 years and today it finally happened.
I dressed up for work in my J. Crew best (including a fab belt & leopard print calf-hair ballet flats) and was pleased to find that everyone else in my department was dressed in similar fashion. I was used to going to work with people who took casual working environment way too seriously. I mean we're talking women who wore their husbands baseball tshirts to work with tattered jeans and nice sneakers. They seemed to save all of their money for hair and sneakers which were both impeccable even when wearing a sweatshirt. I always felt overdressed in a pair of dark jeans and a merino sweater but not today. Today I felt like I was dressed appropriately and that I belonged. The director of our department (who was dressed incredibly chic) actually complimented me on my shoes. They appreciated my efforts to look nice on my first day.
You can never take back a first impression so I made sure to make a good one and I think I did. Everyone was so professional and accommodating. Orientation was of course administered by members of the HR department and each one of them personally introduced themselves to me as they knew I would be starting that day. I felt like I was being welcomed into the family and it felt so good. I have worked a series of thankless entry level jobs where I was one of a training class of at least 10 people where they would throw you to the wolves after 4 weeks of mediocre training. Today felt very different. I was given my own office and the department ordered pizza and had everyone come down to meet me at lunch time. It's also the first time I will be making an actual salary and not hourly pay.
I feel like I have arrived. I feel hopeful. I feel like I fit in which has never happened to me at any other job I've ever held. They seemed to like my energy during the interview process so I hope my sarcastic nature translates. I know it's not smooth sailing yet as I have a lot to learn there because I don't have any real life HR experience but thank God my degrees and extensive customer service experience was enough to convince them that I am teachable.
In orientation I was sitting next to a woman who was going to be an RN in one of the clinics and she was struggling to understand some of the benefit information & forms they were giving us. I naturally stepped up to the plate to help her understand and she seemed really thankful. Unfortunately, the ladies sitting on the other side of me were not as helpful and in fact were pretty annoyed with her. I imagine it was mainly first day jitters and maybe she really does struggle to understand those sort of things but she needed help and I didn't even think twice to extend the olive branch and help her out. I guess that means I'm in the right field.
One of our HR labor representatives gave a sexual harassment training session so compelling it made me want to jump out of my seat and assist her. I really feel like I'm in the right place and that I can really make a difference here. I really hope I feel this way tomorrow after I've actually started to learn the facets of my job.
I dressed up for work in my J. Crew best (including a fab belt & leopard print calf-hair ballet flats) and was pleased to find that everyone else in my department was dressed in similar fashion. I was used to going to work with people who took casual working environment way too seriously. I mean we're talking women who wore their husbands baseball tshirts to work with tattered jeans and nice sneakers. They seemed to save all of their money for hair and sneakers which were both impeccable even when wearing a sweatshirt. I always felt overdressed in a pair of dark jeans and a merino sweater but not today. Today I felt like I was dressed appropriately and that I belonged. The director of our department (who was dressed incredibly chic) actually complimented me on my shoes. They appreciated my efforts to look nice on my first day.
You can never take back a first impression so I made sure to make a good one and I think I did. Everyone was so professional and accommodating. Orientation was of course administered by members of the HR department and each one of them personally introduced themselves to me as they knew I would be starting that day. I felt like I was being welcomed into the family and it felt so good. I have worked a series of thankless entry level jobs where I was one of a training class of at least 10 people where they would throw you to the wolves after 4 weeks of mediocre training. Today felt very different. I was given my own office and the department ordered pizza and had everyone come down to meet me at lunch time. It's also the first time I will be making an actual salary and not hourly pay.
I feel like I have arrived. I feel hopeful. I feel like I fit in which has never happened to me at any other job I've ever held. They seemed to like my energy during the interview process so I hope my sarcastic nature translates. I know it's not smooth sailing yet as I have a lot to learn there because I don't have any real life HR experience but thank God my degrees and extensive customer service experience was enough to convince them that I am teachable.
In orientation I was sitting next to a woman who was going to be an RN in one of the clinics and she was struggling to understand some of the benefit information & forms they were giving us. I naturally stepped up to the plate to help her understand and she seemed really thankful. Unfortunately, the ladies sitting on the other side of me were not as helpful and in fact were pretty annoyed with her. I imagine it was mainly first day jitters and maybe she really does struggle to understand those sort of things but she needed help and I didn't even think twice to extend the olive branch and help her out. I guess that means I'm in the right field.
One of our HR labor representatives gave a sexual harassment training session so compelling it made me want to jump out of my seat and assist her. I really feel like I'm in the right place and that I can really make a difference here. I really hope I feel this way tomorrow after I've actually started to learn the facets of my job.
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