So I got a new purse on Saturday at Macy's for half-price. The funny thing is I hadn't planned on going shopping outside of my house on Thanksgiving weekend but my mom wanted to go to the new Ihop and to the mall to see if they had something sparkly for her to wear for the Christmas musical at church. Who am I to turn down a free meal involving all you can eat pancakes and shopping? Anyways, this particular purse has a little story behind it.
I walked over to the purse section and saw a shiny ocean blue Nine West handbag. I picked it up to admire it and then saw that it was on sale as part of a morning special that would end at 1pm. "Is this bag really half-price?", I said out loud because I really couldn't believe it. Then an adorable woman pushing her toddler around in a stroller at the table of purses next to me said, "Yeah they really are can you believe it?" and flashed me the friendliest smile I've seen in a long time. For about 5 minutes we were the best of friends talking about our favorite handbag brands and the crazy deals that we've found in the past on QVC. We both fell in love with the same purse in the same color and decided that we simply couldn't leave the store without it. She went her way with her son and her purse and I went my way with mine and that was the end of our relationship but I will think of her everytime I use this bag.
I never realized how starved I was for friendship until I met this woman. It felt so good to make a connection to someone I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. It's hard to make friends once you leave school. College was great because there was a whole campus full of potential friendships and living in such close proximity in the dorms made it nearly impossible not to make some kind of connection with people. I cultivated lifelong friendships there but when I left and moved back home I found it hard to make friends. My childhood and high school friends were either married or moved away so I didn't really know where I fit in. Four years later when I moved 2 hours away for a job I was able to make friends at work because several of us started at the same time so we spent a lot of time together in training and relationships naturally formed out of that.
Moving back home again has been hard because now I really don't know where I fit in. It's not as easy to make friends when your older. You try and put yourself out there by sitting in the breakroom at work smiling like an idiot hoping someone will take pity on you and sit at your table or you join a spin class and hope that the conversation you struck up with the sweaty person next to you will amount to much more. It's kind of like dating. If you are lucky enough to get an invite to a party or some Friday night outing you still feel the need to buy a new outfit and get your hair done just as if you going out on a date with some guy you've been crushing on for months. You get nervous wondering what you'll talk about over dinner and hope you have more in common than whatever the one thing is that caused you to start talking in the first place.
I still daydream about one day bumping into some fabulous girl and becoming her equally fabulous friend and we would be besties who see all the popular movies together, try out all the new restaurants as soon as they open up, vacation at luxurious hotspots, and call eachother to have a running commentary while watching our favorite reality tv shows. Ok, honestly if they lived closer I already have friends this fabulous but the only one who could afford my dream is probably Beyonce or Selena Gomez so I should probably think a little more realistically but honestly when have I ever done that?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Back to the Grind
Today is the first day in my 4 week career as a human resource officer that my job felt like work. Don't get me wrong, the past few weeks haven't been a cakewalk. On average I have been scheduled to attend at least 3 meetings a day on top of being trained to do 3 very different HR functions. My head is literally ready to explode with all of the information I am currently trying to process but they never gave me any real responsibility until this week and let me tell you it's ultra glamorous! Please note the sarcasm in my voice here.
My daily responsibilities include entering information into a database, completing forms with information taken from already completed forms, and gently harassing department managers via email to send me another form signed by each of their employees so I can put it in their files. Somewhere my mother is trying to figure out why she paid all of this money on college for me to do a job that a monkey can do. To be perfectly honest I think an actual monkey used to do my job until PETA intervened and made them hire a naive and eager lady like myself.
To be honest, it took me about 3 weeks to even grasp an understanding of what these forms are that I am handling and why it is important that we track what appears to be trivial information. This was busywork for two of my co-workers who have much greater responsibilities to attend to everyday so they were genuinely thankful that I have learned things well enough to take this off their plate. Even though it's not life changing work that I'm doing I do feel a sense of pride in doing it. I took a chance to do something different and I'm doing it fairly well even though I don't fully understand it so I'm back to grinding.
They make me attend all of those endless meetings because when my co-workers are out on vacation or taking a sick day, I will be expected to jump in and take their place. I am basically an understudy for my more seasoned counterparts. I have to learn every aspect of their jobs in case they need my help or they are gone and our director needs information that they normally have. This is a big deal although I'm not sure how often I will really be utilized for this. I am thankful all the same though because I am learning a lot. They treat me as if I am a part of the family that has been there for years. They see my role just as vitally as their own and that makes me want to file all the papers I can just to show them my appreciation. They let me tag along on seminars and meetings off campus which is a great opportunity because it means I get a chance to network with other HR professionals in the community and more importantly, they usually serve great food.
I still feel a little silly dressing up for work everyday because I look at our directors and my manager dressed in their suits and think to myself "They are dressed for a purpose. People will see and listen to them so what on earth am I doing wearing heels to sit at my desk all day?" They always say you should dress for the job you want so I always try to dress as if I'm actually important. The funny thing is, people outside of work probably think that I am. You should see the looks I get at the grocery store when I trot through there after work with my fancy heels clicking loudly. People stop what they're doing and turn to look at me. Some look annoyed but others look impressed. Hopefully one day I will be important and then I can justify spending $200 on a herringbone jacket from J. Crew. Oh who am I kidding, I can justify any clothing purchase at any given time even if I only have $3 in my checking account.....which may or may not have actually happened to me once.
My daily responsibilities include entering information into a database, completing forms with information taken from already completed forms, and gently harassing department managers via email to send me another form signed by each of their employees so I can put it in their files. Somewhere my mother is trying to figure out why she paid all of this money on college for me to do a job that a monkey can do. To be perfectly honest I think an actual monkey used to do my job until PETA intervened and made them hire a naive and eager lady like myself.
To be honest, it took me about 3 weeks to even grasp an understanding of what these forms are that I am handling and why it is important that we track what appears to be trivial information. This was busywork for two of my co-workers who have much greater responsibilities to attend to everyday so they were genuinely thankful that I have learned things well enough to take this off their plate. Even though it's not life changing work that I'm doing I do feel a sense of pride in doing it. I took a chance to do something different and I'm doing it fairly well even though I don't fully understand it so I'm back to grinding.
They make me attend all of those endless meetings because when my co-workers are out on vacation or taking a sick day, I will be expected to jump in and take their place. I am basically an understudy for my more seasoned counterparts. I have to learn every aspect of their jobs in case they need my help or they are gone and our director needs information that they normally have. This is a big deal although I'm not sure how often I will really be utilized for this. I am thankful all the same though because I am learning a lot. They treat me as if I am a part of the family that has been there for years. They see my role just as vitally as their own and that makes me want to file all the papers I can just to show them my appreciation. They let me tag along on seminars and meetings off campus which is a great opportunity because it means I get a chance to network with other HR professionals in the community and more importantly, they usually serve great food.
I still feel a little silly dressing up for work everyday because I look at our directors and my manager dressed in their suits and think to myself "They are dressed for a purpose. People will see and listen to them so what on earth am I doing wearing heels to sit at my desk all day?" They always say you should dress for the job you want so I always try to dress as if I'm actually important. The funny thing is, people outside of work probably think that I am. You should see the looks I get at the grocery store when I trot through there after work with my fancy heels clicking loudly. People stop what they're doing and turn to look at me. Some look annoyed but others look impressed. Hopefully one day I will be important and then I can justify spending $200 on a herringbone jacket from J. Crew. Oh who am I kidding, I can justify any clothing purchase at any given time even if I only have $3 in my checking account.....which may or may not have actually happened to me once.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The abyss of failure
This weekend has been a rough one. About 6 months ago I ended a two year relationship that was easily the worst mistake of my entire life. I suppose I should use the term "relationship" loosely as I was informed towards the end of our run that he never actually considered us in a relationship. I believe he referred to us as "as close to a real relationship that he had in long time". After working a string of entry level customer service jobs for the past 7 years of my life I had been determined to find a job in human resources which had been my goal for about 3 years but knowing that I would be leaving that office where I had to see him everyday was a big motivator.
I have to admit that I have been so busy with my new job that I honestly haven't had time to think about him but this weekend I lost my battle with the flu and have spent the past 36 hours in bed coughing, blowing my nose, and of course thinking about all of my past failures. When you're physically feeling like crap it's a lot easier to fall into the "abyss of failure". I should clarify that when I said I ended the relationship actually he did. Things weren't moving forward and he was being distant so I asked what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship among some other hurtful things so things pretty much ended there.
When I first got together with him I knew that he probably wasn't the best choice for me but I was so tired of being alone and he was the first person to show any interest in me in years so I thought I would give him a chance and see where things went. I never thought that he would turn out to be so narcissistic and miserable. We would have good days and then he would be closed off and angry. Knowing what I know now I'm not really sure if he ever actually cared about me or that the good times were actually good. I tried to make things work even when they clearly weren't but he would just act so miserable and being around him would make me sad. Being away from him is definitely better for me and I feel freer but I still cannot forgive myself for getting involved with him in the first place.
I've spent the last 6 months trying to come with grips with the fact that I will be 30 years old and single. I imagined that I would have found someone by now and gotten married but now I have to accept that things will not be that way. I keep thinking that maybe I missed that great love when I was wasting my time in a dead end relationship with the wrong person. I'm older now and let's face it men like to look for a young pretty face when they are on the hunt for love and I am no longer a spring chicken. Maybe I won't get another chance at true love and I have to say that is scary but honestly it's not as scary as what I feared would have happened to me if I stayed in that town with that job and that man (I use the term man loosely as a real man wouldn't treat a woman that way). He didn't want a committed relationship but he was totally open to a causal one which basically meant that we would hangout and hook up when it was convenient for him. I could have easily slipped into that nonsense but I knew that I deserved better so thankfully I was able to get out of that situation.
I am doing much better for myself and even though I've only been in this job for 3 weeks I know that I've made the right decision for my personal and professional life. Unfortunately, this demon of my relationship with this man still haunts me. I knew better than to become involved with him but I still did it and the consequences run deep. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself for being so foolish as to fall for him. If my friends knew the details of what I put up with during those 2 years they would be ashamed and I still feel embarrassed that I was a part of that. I have physically moved away but will there ever come a day when my spirit will finally detach itself from the notion that the past could have been any different? It happened and it's over now but I still carry around that shame and I don't want to continue to mask it with sarcasm because I'm finding that is no longer effective even though I've become very good at it.
I have to admit that I have been so busy with my new job that I honestly haven't had time to think about him but this weekend I lost my battle with the flu and have spent the past 36 hours in bed coughing, blowing my nose, and of course thinking about all of my past failures. When you're physically feeling like crap it's a lot easier to fall into the "abyss of failure". I should clarify that when I said I ended the relationship actually he did. Things weren't moving forward and he was being distant so I asked what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship among some other hurtful things so things pretty much ended there.
When I first got together with him I knew that he probably wasn't the best choice for me but I was so tired of being alone and he was the first person to show any interest in me in years so I thought I would give him a chance and see where things went. I never thought that he would turn out to be so narcissistic and miserable. We would have good days and then he would be closed off and angry. Knowing what I know now I'm not really sure if he ever actually cared about me or that the good times were actually good. I tried to make things work even when they clearly weren't but he would just act so miserable and being around him would make me sad. Being away from him is definitely better for me and I feel freer but I still cannot forgive myself for getting involved with him in the first place.
I've spent the last 6 months trying to come with grips with the fact that I will be 30 years old and single. I imagined that I would have found someone by now and gotten married but now I have to accept that things will not be that way. I keep thinking that maybe I missed that great love when I was wasting my time in a dead end relationship with the wrong person. I'm older now and let's face it men like to look for a young pretty face when they are on the hunt for love and I am no longer a spring chicken. Maybe I won't get another chance at true love and I have to say that is scary but honestly it's not as scary as what I feared would have happened to me if I stayed in that town with that job and that man (I use the term man loosely as a real man wouldn't treat a woman that way). He didn't want a committed relationship but he was totally open to a causal one which basically meant that we would hangout and hook up when it was convenient for him. I could have easily slipped into that nonsense but I knew that I deserved better so thankfully I was able to get out of that situation.
I am doing much better for myself and even though I've only been in this job for 3 weeks I know that I've made the right decision for my personal and professional life. Unfortunately, this demon of my relationship with this man still haunts me. I knew better than to become involved with him but I still did it and the consequences run deep. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself for being so foolish as to fall for him. If my friends knew the details of what I put up with during those 2 years they would be ashamed and I still feel embarrassed that I was a part of that. I have physically moved away but will there ever come a day when my spirit will finally detach itself from the notion that the past could have been any different? It happened and it's over now but I still carry around that shame and I don't want to continue to mask it with sarcasm because I'm finding that is no longer effective even though I've become very good at it.
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